for hisfavouritefangirl :)

Heart Attack by Demi Lovato

Himchan smiled as Jongup spoke. Youngjae’s eyes were drawn to it, focused, fixated and obsessed with the way he looked so handsome, so easily. Himchan’s lips stretched wide and his deep voice flitted out in a warm chuckle. Youngjae was deaf to it though. The sound of his swallow was all he could hear as he watched Himchan’s hand reach up to Jongup’s forearm and trail it’s way to the younger boy’s wrist. Youngjae held his breath, waiting for their hands to join but they didn’t. Himchan had looked over and caught Youngjae staring.

Youngjae tried to breathe out but it stuck in his throat and he began coughing. It grated his throat but he only saw how Himchan stared and Daehyun ran over to him, pounding on his back and asking if he was okay through a mouthful of food. Youngjae just nodded as the fit passed. He glanced up at Himchan but the elder wasn’t looking. Youngjae huffed, bringing up one last cough.

“You okay?” Daehyun’s hand lay at the top of Youngjae’s spine, rubbing gentle circles into his back.

“Yeah, fine.” Youngjae’s head dropped and he stared at his shoes. He was an embarrassment. Not like Jongup. The dancer was perfect so it was obvious that Himchan would choose him. Not that Youngjae was even sure Himchan had chosen. But it seemed clear.

The sound of Daehyun shuffling closer along the bench had Youngjae look up. Daehyun smiled – he was uncomfortably close. Youngjae smiled back but moved himself just a few inches back and he saw Daehyun’s lips drop. He stood up, leaving the singer to himself, and walked over to the table of water bottles and take out.

Daehyun always gave Youngjae the right hints, but they weren’t the ones he wanted. Sometimes he allowed Daehyun a little more than what he could imagine and he found himself in their locked bathroom with those thick lips pressed against his and slender fingers running along his skin. He liked to imagine that those hands belonged to someone else but the fantasy was never as strong as the disappointment he felt when he opened his eyes.

Youngjae would have fallen in love with Daehyun if he could have. But he wouldn’t let himself. Falling in love was painful, it was a bother, it was just more trouble than it was worth. Sometimes he and Daehyun would get a chance in the bed but as Daehyun reached for Youngjae he would dress and dash out before he could fall in to the trap he’d avoided for so long.

They thought they were home alone once, the other out for practice and such, and Youngjae had never felt tier after watching one of their interviews and seeing the way Himchan stared at Yongguk. He would never understand Himchan, how his heart worked, and Daehyun was an easy escape. Daehyun had just moved in, his hand slowly working up Youngjae’s inner thigh, when Himchan stepped out of the bathroom, chatting about something and Youngjae couldn’t have pushed his friend away fast enough.

Thinking of Himchan seeing him with someone else made Youngjae feel sick. He would have felt worse if he had caught the look of shock mixed with absolute pain in Daehyun’s eyes.

Youngjae lifted the water bottle to his lips, knowing if he remembered too much of that time he would probably have to puke. He wondered if he was just like Daehyun – his feelings so deep he couldn’t help but be desperate, taking whatever touch or attention he could get.

Himchan caught Youngjae’s eyes then, moving in his peripheral as the elder glided to the centre of the room. The iPod that played their music to practice to switched to a slow song and Himchan was swaying sensually. He wasn’t moving much but it was enough for Youngjae to feel his lower body stirring and he rolled his lips through his teeth.

Himchan moved for a few dreadfully long minutes and Youngjae was unaware of anything else but the sway of the elder’s hips, the way his eyes closed as he soaked in the sound, the way his hands stayed beside his firm, smooth thighs. He felt a bump on his shoulder as Daehyun purposefully pushed passed him. Youngjae rubbed the now sore spot and when glanced backed at Himchan the song had ended and the elder was looking at him. Youngjae’s cheek heated, but it was his groin that did the worst when Himchan’s sly smile flashed wider when he winked.

Youngjae in a sharp breath and dashed from the room as fast as he could. Staying in the practice room would have suffocated him but he still couldn’t seem to be able to breathe right even when he got into the open space of the company lobby.

He saw the sign above and didn’t give a second thought to where his feet took him. When he pushed open the bathroom door it slapped on the tiled wall before swinging back into place. He brushed off the feeling that he’d drawn more attention to himself, giving up on any issue he had aside from what had happened in the practice room.

Youngjae stumbled to the last stall. The stink of cleaning products and stale urine was something he usually commented on but it was far in the back of his mind as he slammed the lid shut, cringing at the loud noise, and sitting quickly.

He took a few deep breaths, clutching his shirt over his heart. It shouldn’t have been so scary. He didn’t want to admit how vulnerable Himchan made him feel but it was his vulnerability that was punching him in the gut. He knew a minute alone would help but what would happen when he went back? He’d either have to run off for another long while or just disappear off the face of the earth.

“Hello?” A deep voice rung out through the almost empty bathroom and Youngjae groaned. “Youngjae-ah, where are you?” He was teasing and Youngjae just wanted to melt into the floor to disappear but he couldn’t. He saw Himchan’s feet first but the elder revealed himself when he tapped gently on the stall door and it swung open with a low creak.

Himchan snickered when Youngjae’s apathetic eyes met his and the elder folded his arms over his chest. Youngjae sighed before he tried to get it over with; he figured there couldn’t have been a better time. “What do you want hyung?”

“Me? Oh, no, this is about you Youngjae.” Himchan’s eyebrows rose. He stared down at the sullen boy sitting on the lidded toilet with the obvious problem in his sweat pants before smiling as sweetly as he could despite his desire to just do what he really wanted. “Jae.” The boy looked up as he heard his name and Himchan kneeled on the floor and put his hands on each of Youngjae’s knees. The younger was uncomfortable but he didn’t stop him. “I just…I wanted to know if you’re in here because of Daehyunnie.” Himchan his lips as he tried to be kind. “I mean…are you two having trouble?”

The question was simple but Youngjae just wanted to die. He wished he could have a heart attack and be gone in an instant. He didn’t really want to die on a toilet though but his embarrassment and heart ache was outweighing that desire completely. He dropped his head and a sick keening sound began to slip from his throat. He didn’t want to cry but he couldn’t help how overwhelming it was. He wanted to be manly, to be handsome for Himchan; he wanted the elder to want him, to find him y and irresistible. He wanted to be like Jongup or Yongguk. That was all out the window though.

Himchan was suddenly flustered but Youngjae couldn’t see that. The younger was always trying to be so cool in front of him but he was suddenly so vulnerable that Himchan didn’t know what to do. He tried to touch the boy’s shoulder but it was shrugged off. “Youngjae?”

“Just go away, hyung.” He mumbled into his arms but Himchan took the cue and stood up.

“Fine. I mean, I don’t know what Daehyun did wrong but…come back when you feel better.” Himchan would have left if it wasn’t for the look he was given when Youngjae lifted his head.

“Are you blind!?” Himchan’s brows knitted together. “It’s not what he did, it’s what you did.” Youngjae stood then and Himchan took a step back, fright lingering in his eyes.

“What could I have done to you?”

“You exist! That’s what. And it hurts. But you don’t even know because you’re too busy flirting with Jongup!” Himchan looked dumb with mouth open and his blank eyes but Youngjae took no notice. His blood was boiling and the heat was fuelling his already disrespectful words. “You make me feel like a pathetic idiot with no chance and I just want to die sometimes. I wish it could all just end or sometimes I wish I did love Daehyun because it would be so much easier.” When he finished speaking, the silence was almost crushing as Youngjae breathed heavily.

Himchan’s expression didn’t change; it was only his lips that moved. “I’m sorry.”  His voice was flat as he whispered. Youngjae just felt angry like he was going to punch Himchan in the face before tearing his own hair out.

“Really? That’s what you say?” Himchan swallowed, fright flickering through his eyes, as Youngjae stood. His fists balled at his hips and Youngjae prayed he could keep his wits about him. “Pathetic.” Youngjae tried to push passed Himchan to leave. He knew what he’d said was wrong even before it had passed his lips but he begged the heavens that Himchan would just let him go and he could go and freak out in some other bathroom in the building.

But Himchan didn’t, he put his hand against the opposite side of the stall door to where he  leaned and looked up at Youngjae with fire in his eyes.

“I’m pathetic?” His rugged voice seemed deeper than usual and Youngjae almost hated how good it still sounded, hated how he wanted to hear Himchan say his name. “Have you looked in the mirror?” Their chests heaved in their anger but somehow Youngjae couldn’t be mad. He wanted to, he was feeling it in his blood to be furious and to shout and cry but he couldn’t. When Himchan’s brow twitched he realised, hoped really, that Himchan felt the same. The arm dropped but Youngjae had to fight to get himself to take that step forward – he was beyond tempted to stay.

He made it all the way to the bathroom door before Himchan made himself clear. “Youngjae?” He was glad Himchan couldn’t see him as a shiver rocked his body.

“Yeah?” They weren’t speaking much louder than normal but the space between amplified everything.

“Don’t be pathetic anymore.” Youngjae could just hear the smile in the elder’s voice and he suddenly couldn’t breathe. His chest was tight and he felt as if he was having a heart attack. It was an invitation. Youngjae felt like he was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel because he knew what Himchan was telling him.