requested by -Minki- ^-^  Hey Ma by Soul Connection (+) p.s. watch this for extra shirtless Yongguk goodness ^^

Jongup was tired without having done anything. He had lain on the grass all day and only taking a break once to calm his growling stomach. His eyes searched the sky – he wasn’t sure what for – while his fingers explored the ground below him. He felt caught in the middle, wanting to fly away from his sore heart but also wondering if he could bury himself to escape.

The soft marshmallow clouds were crawling across the baby-blue atmosphere and Jongup wondered if he could become one. It would be hard but to simply float all day and float all night would be better than anything that could keep him on earth. Jongup despised the fact that he couldn’t do it, couldn’t just abandon life. No, Jongup had to stay; he had to live with what was left behind.

Jongup could sense his thoughts becoming spiteful and he scolded himself. It wasn’t the whole world’s fault that he felt so uneasy, that he felt so upset with his own life. It was just because of one person who had left without a goodbye.

Jongup clenched onto a fistful of dirt and grass when his body tensed. It was still painful to think of that person. He wasn’t ready to face the memories yet. He was young and not used to heartbreak. He swallowed over a thick lump in his throat and attempted to relax himself, thinking just of the sky and of grass that tickled his bare arms and legs, of the delicate breeze that slid across him. It was difficult with the sting in his eyes and warm tears that trailed down his temples.

He could hear the noises of kids running about the large park, oblivious to the teenager that lay on the dirty ground, crying like a baby. Jongup wished with all his heart to be like them, to be young and carefree, to be a child. Everything was easier when he had been little but growing up had complicated it all.

Jongup had become an adult. He accepted his responsibilities – getting a job to support himself, finding his own house to live in, budgeting for groceries every month. He had not accepted the responsibility of love. It had dropped on him too quickly for him to stop it, to save himself from heart-ache. Jongup was a er. He hated himself for it – especially since he had been so much of a coward about the whole thing.

He turned over so that he was lying on his stomach. He didn’t want to watch the sky; it was too bright and happy. The grass was green but he could see the brown dirty beneath. It was gross and mangled looking, a lot like his mind. He picked at it, pulling out pieces of grass and mutilating them into tiny pieces. If only someone could pick him up and pull him apart.

“Umma! Umma! Look! There’s a balloon!” Jongup saw a little boy tugging on his mother’s hand, pointing high into the air. He flipped back over to see a yellow balloon that danced in the wind like a playing sun.

“Come on Jonguppie, you’re too shy, tell me something. Just one thing, one thing you like about me. That makes us close.” Youngjae pleaded, holding onto to one of Jongup’s hands with both of his own. They were on the couch and the younger had been trying to watch a movie but one of the actors had sparked Youngjae’s decision to get Jongup to talk.

“Ah, but hyung…” It’s not that Jongup didn’t like Youngjae, he loved him, the elder just didn’t really know and Jongup had no plans to tell him anytime soon. He was too afraid of what would come out of his mouth, too afraid that Youngjae might start hating him and leave.

But it was the look in the elder’s eyes that broke Jongup’s heart and parted his lips. “Fine, I like…I like the way you walk.” Understandably Youngjae seemed surprised and a little suspicious but Jongup wasn’t done. “You look so…free. Kind of like a…balloon that’s floating away into space.” Jongup squeezed the elder’s hands gently but Youngjae took them back, crushing the little excitement that the teenager had felt in the moment.

“Mmm, I see it honey, why don’t you go play now?” The mother dismissed the child who slumped his shoulders but ran back to his friends anyways.

Jongup knew he could empathise with that little boy. They both had wanted to show the person they loved something pretty, something beautiful, but had been rejected. It was a hurtful thing but the little boy had gotten over it quickly, much to Jongup’s envy.

He watched the balloon fly until it disappeared, just like Youngjae had. Jongup had been prepared to tell the elder how he felt. He was ready to tell Youngjae that when he was sad, Youngjae was the only one who could get him to smile; when he was frightened, Youngjae could make him brave again; when Jongup felt alone, Youngjae could make him feel wanted. His presence was enough for Jongup to feel safe. What disappointed Jongup the most though, was the fact that Youngjae had done all of that for him, so many times, without even knowing.

Jongup’s chest felt heavy, like someone was sitting on him and crushing his lungs. He felt a thickness in his throat that wouldn’t leave even if he cried until his eyes were dry. He felt his hand go cold because it lacked that warmth that he craved so profoundly. He felt that way because he had been unable to tell Youngjae how he felt. The elder was gone and he had left so unexpectedly. Jongup had gone to visit his friend to find him packing large boxes. He was so stunned that he had just run away. He ran away because it was too painful to stay, to find what Youngjae was really doing. He was too cowardly to just face Youngjae all because his had secretly torn to pieces.

The mere thought of Youngjae’s disappearance made it hard to breathe, made him clutch at his chest to calm his heart’s contractions. Although Jongup had never explained himself, he knew that he didn’t want to be alone – to be without Youngjae. The kind of life where the elder did not exist by his side was too agonising to consider, even though it was his reality.

His temples became damp again as the tears slithered down into the grass. He was embarrassed at himself, what kind of baby cries in public? Couldn’t he be a man for once? Couldn’t he just be able to move on? Was it because he was pathetic that Youngjae was gone? Jongup felt like a ghost with unfinished business. All he did was drift from place to place, not really considering what he was doing. He was stuck in the rut of waiting – waiting for Youngjae’s real goodbye. Then, only then, he knew he could float away from his troubles just like the clouds above him.

I'm sorry. I know it's short, I wasn't as inspired as I wanted to be, I hope it's okay though. Make sure you all comment and let me know what you think ^-^