KWONJIYONG

I sat in my study... My thoughts swimming around in my head...

She's hurting... I can feel it... Jinah said they broke up..

but if she doesn't say anything, there's nothing i can do to help her...

That bastard... I can’t believe i introduced her to him... i'll kill him if i ever see him again.

I wanted to bash his head Ever since that time i met him on the street with his hand slung over someone else's shoulder.

Why won't you ever look at me... I love you. i try not to but i can't stop. Even when you went out with the other guys...

Can't you see that i love you?

i grabbed my pen and started scribbling on the paper infront of me...

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YOUR POV

I knocked on the door before waiting for Jiyong to answer.. I have officially become single again and i want to celebrate with my besties...

"JIYONG!" i threw my hands around him when he opened the door, shocking him and making him stumble backwards...

"Whoa.. What's up? " His hands resting on my hips as he stable-d both of us..

"You need to come celebrate with me and Jinah! We're all single again!" I announced to him..

"And So i've heard..." Jiyong laughed at me but his laughed sounded different... Hmm?

"Did Jinah tell you?? AISH... She was supposed to let me tell you myself..."

"She had to tell me.. You were crying, weren't you?" His hand cupped my face and wiped away the imaginary tears that were on my face...

I looked away and didn't comment... Jiyong and Jinah know me better than anyone.

"Heyhey... Let's go celebrate then okay? Come on!" Jiyong let go of me and went into his house to get his keys before locking the door and with his hand laced in mine, we left his apartment building...

As we met up with Jinah and we sat down to eat and drink... I caught myself looking at Jiyong..

This wonderful guy that God had put in my life...

I love him...

I love him so much that it hurts... But he only takes me as a little sister...

Heck, he was the one who introduced me to that guy...

I was always waiting for him to do something; i rejected lots of guys because i was waiting for him... But in the end, he introduced me to that guy! Not saying anything when that guy asked me out, no words of objection or even any expression when i told him... And soon after he got together with this girl... So i gave up and tried to accept that guy but i guess it didn't work...

"______? Are you listening?"

"Huh? Sorry... I was in dream land..." I shook off my dreamy-ness and turned to Jiyong..

"What were you saying?"

"Nothing, It's okay..." I saw Jinah and Jiyong trade a look and raised my eye brow at them...

"Baby~~!" a sudden high pitched voice entered the 'atmosphere' and caused all 3 of our heads to look up...

Oh great...

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KWONJIYONG

"uhhh ... Hi babe... What are you doing here?" I moved in and made space for my 'girlfriend'...

 I saw Jinah roll her eyes and _______ with a downcast expression... my best friends REALLY didn't like her... And neither did i actually...

"I missed you~ I happened to pass by and saw the 3 of you here... So i thought i'll join in" her smile was REALLY turning me off and I was so tempted to just kick her out...

" ummm ... Ji? Jinah and i will head back to our apartment.. We'll see you tomorrow..." I saw her stand and gestured to Jinah to leave...

Jinah shot me a 'we-need-to-talk' look and followed her out...

I turned to my 'girlfriend' and looked at her... I guess i have to do this now... I won’t be able to live if i continue with this...

"ummm... Hyeyoung, listen to me..."

"hmm baby?"

"let's break up..."

"What? Why?"

"I .. Dont feel anything for you anymore... Technically, i never felt anything more than a friendship with you... I actually like -"

"You love ______..." She stated calmly and i looked at her in shock...

"How did you..."

"Jinah told me.. She told me from the beginning... And i knew.. I guess i just wanted to help.. Do you have any idea how much you love her? It's written all over your face! How could you introduce that guy to her?! You threw away your own chances..."

"Wait.. So you knew all this time? So you're okay with this? We're still friends right?"

"relax Jiyong, We'll always be friends... But... I think you have to talk to ______. She likes you too, you know. No wait.. Correction.. She loves you."

"Please.. She doesn't... She only sees me as an older brother..."

"AISH... Jinah's right... The both of you are equally dumb... " Hye young scoffed at me and i looked at her in surprise

"What? How close ARE you to Jinah..."

"Close enough... No wonder the both of you can never get together... Both of you have the same thinking! AISH!... Anyway... i got to go... I was here just to be a 3rd party. See you soon Jiyong!" Hye Young stood up and left me with my own thoughts...

Same thinking? What's that supposed to mean...

Zzztt... My phone vibrated and i quickly took it out...

' 8pm

From: Jinah

You better confess soon... you're gonna lose her again if you don't... '

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I waited outside the door till Jinah came and opened it for me...

The look on her face was..

Indescribable...

she looked pissed ... but at who or what i didnt know... She left the door open for me and walked off to presumably, her own room...

I walked in and i realised why she was pissed...

That guy was here... talking to _____. i purposely cleared my throat to catch their attention and they both looked up from their conversation.

"What are you doing here." I clenched my fist to control the urge to punch his face.

"Hey Dude! Long Time no see."

"You Dont say... What are you doing here." My anger was building just seeing him sitting near her.

"Ji Yong-ah... He's here just to pass me some stuff..."

"I’m also here to ask you out for a movie... as an apology?" I saw him pleading with her... hoping she'll say yes.

"She's not free... and she'll never go out with you again" I gritted my teeth and stared at him...

"Jiyong-ah... It's fi-"

"It is not fine." I cut her off.

"Get out... now" I pointed to the door and gestured for him to go.

"Okay okay.. i'll leave..." I stared at him as he grabbed his coat until he walked out of the door... I turned to _____, only to see her looking at me in shock...

"What is your problem?! You didn’t have to drive him out! He was being sincere!" I was taken aback as she pushed my chest with her hands... showing how frustrated she was... but seeing her that way just made my anger boil even more...

"So It's my fault? That guy doesn't deserve you! Why are you so dumb?!" I retaliated and immediately regretted it as i saw her face turn even angrier with traces of hurt in her eyes...

"Dumb? So it's my fault that i chose such a guy? Well i'm sorry, the guy that i want doesn't want me and nobody else does, So i have to make deal with what i have okay?!"

I want you... Don’t you know?

Wait... SHE LIKES SOMEBODY?!

"What do you mean he doesn't want you? You like somebody? Why didn’t you tell me?" My heart felt like it broke to a million pieces as i lowered my voice. She looked flustered and turned her eyes away from me...

"It's none of your business." She practically ran to her room and i stood there iin shock as she slammed the door.

"ARGH!!" i punched the nearest wall beside me and felt blood dripping down my knuckles... A hand rested on my shoulder and i shook it off...

"I'm fine Jinah... Is just that why can’t she just understand that i..." My voice trailed off as i turned around, only to not be meeting Jinah.

"____-yah..."

 "Understand that you what? What cant i understand?"

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YOUR POV

 I slammed the door and started pacing around in my room... I could hear him shout in frustration and i felt guilty... I knew that guy didn’t deserve me... Jiyong was just trying to protect me...

But ii can’t stand it... every little thing he does for me just makes my head go into overdrive... they give me hope that he might have something for me and it kills me!!

AISH... i have to apologize anyway... I quietly stepped out of my room, only to see Jiyong with his head leaning against the wall... with his bleeding clutched fist on the wall...

This guy...

I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder, only to have him shake it off...

"I'm fine Jinah."

Jinah?

"It's just that Why can’t she understand that I..." His voice drifted off as he turned and realised that I wasn't Jinah...

He called my name with embarrassment coating his voice...

"Understand that you what? What do i not understand?"

".. Nothing... It's okay..." He walked passed me and towards the front door... "Let Jinah know that I left..."

"Wait! Ji-" he was already out of the house before i could even call his name...

AISH... i made my way to the couch and plonked myself on it as Jinah made her way out of the room...

"Is it over?" I nodded in reply...

"Both of you are REALLY dumb you know? Even Hye Young knew that Ji Yong liked you and tried to help him realise it..." Her calm voice startled me, but what she said startled me even more...

"What are you talking about?" My head followed as her feet brought her to her room.

I heard some rustling and loud thuds of things landing on the floor before Jinah reappeared from her room.

“Here… Remember these?” My eyes darted over to what Jinah was holding before my hands reached out and pulled it over.

“How did you get this?” My fingers traced over the familiar name printed on the surface. I picked it up from my lap and looked over it once more…

It still looks as good as new aside from the dust on its cover.

With my head raised in Jinah’s direction, I waited for her to answer me…

“He gave it to me.. for safe keeping 2 years ago, but he adds to it regularly, the last being around a week ago. Told me that if one day, he stops talking to you or you get pissed off with him.. I have to hand this over to you. He said you would understand.” A moment passed as Jinah locked eyes with me, hesitation written all over her face before she took a deep breath.

“____-yah, I know how close the 3 of us are… But I see things that you and Jiyong don’t.. Things that the both of you are blind to and it makes me want to just smash both your heads coz the both of you are so stupid!”

“Wha—“

“Oh forget it.. Just open the box. I know he said that you can never open it... but just do it anyway. Oh... and he’ll be at your favourite place.”

Jinah made her way back to her room and I turned my attention back to the box…

My fingers re-traced the Korean Character of J to the G written on the top of the box cover… hesitating before opening the box.

I saw a bunch of paper and envelopes stacked neatly in the box with age that seemed to run down the stack… Those at the bottom looked so fragile, just as if they would turn to ash if I lift them.

I lift the first envelope tentatively and flipped it to the front, my whole body tensing as I read my own name as the supposed receiver… just that I never saw this letter in my life.

I opened the letter slowly… taking the letter out carefully.. my fingers just grazing the paper.

I flipped it open… my heart pounding at the options of what I would find.

Why are you so dumb? You pabo.

Can’t you see that that guy doesn’t deserve you? He doesn’t love you! Please Just look around yourself and have a look. Everyone can see it but you. Why __-yah? Why can’t you see? Why are you so... blind?

Can’t you see that I’m here waiting for you? I’m here and always have been here. Can’t you see that you are my muse? Don’t you see any connections that you and my songs have? Why won’t you just look at me?

Do I really mean nothing to you? Am I just that someone at the sidewalk for you to just brush over? Why can’t you stop and see my heart and how much it’s beating for you?

My heart is in pieces seeing you so happy with him… but I know that I have to let you go. So here I go, letting you go forever… I’m leaving… for some time.. Hoping that when I come back, I’ll be able to forget you and move on… Hoping that you will be happy with him and that you’ll forget about me. I’m leaving… only coming back to Korea for a few days at a time. I’m going to be travelling the world, I’ll take many photos for you, but I know by the time I’m back, you’ll never see them.

I love You… don’t you ever forget that one fact.

I love You.

My eyes pricked with heat as I finished reading the letter, knowing that I caused Jiyong to be so miserable. I flipped through the letters, finding some photos in between.

I picked one up and smiled at the faces full of smiles in it.

At the corner of the photo, written in black marker were words that made my smile fade and more hot tears flow…

“I wish I can always be the one that makes you smile, I love you.”

I flipped through all the letters and photographs coming to the one right at the bottom and my heart stops for a second.

I lifted the fading piece of paper. It had no envelope; it’s no existing sides turning brown as it crumbled inwards.

I love you… I know it has to stop but I can’t stop it… Every time my head says no, my heart says Yes.

What have you done to me? When I blew out those candles, the only wish I made was for you to love me back. I love You.

(19/08/2005)

The picture was me holding his 17^th birthday’s cake. I remember it clearly: I was bringing it to the living room where we had blindfolded him.

My eyes were overflowing and all I could do was sob, knowing that I actually pushed the guy I loved away from me.

“_____-yah, Go find him. He’s definitely there; he always is when he can’t think straight. Don’t miss this chance.”

Without even turning to acknowledge what Jinah said, I ran out of the apartment and continued running many blocks down to our old but favourite place; the playground in the park.

I saw him, legs dangling as he sat on the swing, staring down in thought.

“YAH! KWON JIYONG!” His head lifted up immediately as he stared at me in shock. I started to walk towards him, but as he suddenly stood up, I broke into a jog, then to a run and then into a sprint before hurling myself into his arms, making him stumble backwards.

“Pabo-yah.” I huffed as I wrapped my hands around him. “Your wish was granted ever since your 17^th birthday. You pabo. You just didn’t claim your wish.”

I slowly felt his hands wrap around my waist and pull me close.

“She gave it to you huh? That stupid Jinah.” He pulled away from me before cupping my face. “Thank God for someone like her to notice something we both didn’t. I’m sorry for all those years that I didn’t try. I’m sor—“

“Stop Talking.” I cut him off with my lips before he could say anymore, tiptoe-ing to reach him. His hands reaching to my waist again to steady me before pulling back and leaning on my forehead.

“I love you. Always have and Always will. Forever.”

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