Water Park..... (: and my bedroom

I HAVE A BROTHER!?!

Play this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB3dUq4uW6E___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Onew friends finally arrived at Onew's house and onew told them that they are going to a water park so they are bringing their swimsuit. You then told everybody to go in the car and they obeyed. 

It took about 15 min to arrived at the water park. 

You then got out first and buied the tickets for you and the guys. You then gave them the ticket. You then ran off and Minho follwed you. Key was talking about being partners so we wont get lost. So minho follwed after me. You then went in the locker room and took out your shirt and pants. You were now wearing your swim suit. 

When minho saw your swimsuit he was like: 

minho shock

 

You then told him to clothes his mouth. He obeyed. You then took his hand and then you grab him to one of the tubes with a long way slide to the pool. When you guys arrived at the top. You grab the tube and got on and Minho did too. 

And then one person pushed us and you started giggling and smiling very hard. Minho noticed it and he smiled. HE then told you to hold on so you wont fall but you didnt obyed and instead put your hands in the air. 

When the ride was over you ran to a diffrent ride with onew. It was so much fun. when onew and you were done going on the ride you grab his hand and headed to the pool. 

You then went underwater you were trying to scared you. He was looking for you. You then swim underwater close to him and then you got out of the water and scared him. 

HE freak out and went in the water. You started craking up! Onew got mad so he started squezzing your chubby cheeks

Posted Image

 

YAH! that hurts ! you said to Onew! Well, sorry! You are the one that scared me. Onew said. You then squezze his cheeks. You then laughed and then onew did a death glare and you started running and trying to  find key because he is the umma for the guys. werid. 

You then find Key. KEY! help me! you then pointed to Onew. You then ran faster to Key and Key took me somewhere Onew cant find me. The girls bathroom. 

IT took 34 mins to Onew to find me he told me that we are going to go home and you are going to get packing and leaving his house when you are done. While Onew gets change and do something while you are waiting.  

When you were done you called Onew. And then onew arrvied and he helped you with the bags. He then went in the driver seat and headed to our house now. 

You then get out of the car and then you got your stuff and waited for onew where my room was. 

He then dragged me and when he open the door it was so beautiful 

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YOU THEN JUMP UP AND DOWN. YOU THEN HUG ONEW AND JUMP ON YOUR BED, but first you took out your shoes and went to sleep and your clothes that you were wearing. 

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stephanie1138 #1
Chapter 1: Chapter 1: To be frank, I don't really like your writing.
First of all, the characters are boring. They are pratically the same person. They act the same. All of them are nice, good looking and insanely attractive. In short, flawless. It makes your story seems dead. Secondly, you narrate too much. Specifically, you wrote about everything which is very unnecessary. For example, the narration about Minyong's doing in the school. You narrate on her going to school, about her opening the locker, about her being boring in class. You can include them in the story but try to make them less obvious. Don't be too direct. Thirdly, you're making me confused by not sticking to any point of view. At first, you'd addressed Minyoung as 'you' and then as 'I'. It's hard to keep track on who's point of view is it. Because some of the stories out there is written from various characters' point of view.Also, you're using the word 'then' too much in your writing. I see that you try to connect the story using it but you keep repeating it over and over again. Lastly, I don't see the connection of the storyline. It doesn't flow nicely. The plot keep jumping all over the place. Try to be specific in writing the scenario. But don't write too much by writing unnecessary things. You're supposed to make the reader understand what's going on in your story. It able them to visualize the story easily.

Btw, I'm sorry for being harsh with my comment. I'm not trying to bash you with my comment. I just want to point out your flaws in writing so that you can improve them.
You also have your own strengths in writing. What's good about you is your idea. You have a great idea on wrtin it's just that your delivery is still poor. But, it's okay. I know you could improve your writing because I can see your potential as a good writer. I hope you're not going to get hurt by my comment. I'm sorry if my words is too harsh. Thank you and have a nice day.

And congratulations for being featured!
Iminthezone #2
Congrats
agentllama08 #3
Chapter 35: Update please
ShineeLeeJinki #4
SEQUEL!!
naznew #5
i will read it..
EXOtic123 #6
umm....new reader here. you wrote infinate when its infinite on the foreward and you also used an old u-kiss photo but used the new members name........ but i'll start reading soon^^
unfixed-soul #7
Sequel because it doesn't make sense to just end it like that.
naznew #8
Gomawo update...
a sequel because you make the story suspended..
LeeMinJi #9
Gomawo for the update :D Sequel please!
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