freaking out...... ;(

I HAVE A BROTHER!?!

You kust woke up. You then look at the shelf. It was a picture of you and minho. And the trophy from the talented show. You smiled. You then took a shower and ate breakfast. You then changed and put make up on and left your hair down. While you grab your backpack there were a ding dong. You then opened the door. It was a policemen. He ask if Lee Minyoung was here and i said i was lee minyoung. He then cleared his thorat and he told be thay my grandparents pass away from a car accident. You then broke down crying just like when your parent died. And the policeman patted my back and he apoligized for you losts.

You have no choice to stay home or go to school. It took you 5 min. to decided. You picked your backpack and walked to school. While you were at your locker, everybody was gossiping you why your eyes were red and puffy. You then closed your locker and went to class. When you walked in everybody eyes were on you. They even notice your eyes too. You then ignored them and you took your seat. And the 4 kingkas just notice that your eyes were red and puffy. And then they started freaking put like they broke a freakin pencil. And then onew whipersered in your ear. He said eat with the kingkas at lunch and tell us your problems and why your eyes are red. You hen did a ok sign with your hand to onew. And then the bell rang and the teacher walk in. She told us to go to page 231. She then talk about the page and you put really good notes on it.

And then the teacher told the class that today homework is to put a summary about this page. The class is ended. You then put your stuff away and then you went to your locker and then put your history book back and then you grab your pe uniform and then you changed and then went in the gym. And then Mimho notice your eyes and then he started worryoing just like key, tamien, and jonghyun. And then i told him to calm down. I will tell you and the kingkas my problems and wjy my eyes are red..

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stephanie1138 #1
Chapter 1: Chapter 1: To be frank, I don't really like your writing.
First of all, the characters are boring. They are pratically the same person. They act the same. All of them are nice, good looking and insanely attractive. In short, flawless. It makes your story seems dead. Secondly, you narrate too much. Specifically, you wrote about everything which is very unnecessary. For example, the narration about Minyong's doing in the school. You narrate on her going to school, about her opening the locker, about her being boring in class. You can include them in the story but try to make them less obvious. Don't be too direct. Thirdly, you're making me confused by not sticking to any point of view. At first, you'd addressed Minyoung as 'you' and then as 'I'. It's hard to keep track on who's point of view is it. Because some of the stories out there is written from various characters' point of view.Also, you're using the word 'then' too much in your writing. I see that you try to connect the story using it but you keep repeating it over and over again. Lastly, I don't see the connection of the storyline. It doesn't flow nicely. The plot keep jumping all over the place. Try to be specific in writing the scenario. But don't write too much by writing unnecessary things. You're supposed to make the reader understand what's going on in your story. It able them to visualize the story easily.

Btw, I'm sorry for being harsh with my comment. I'm not trying to bash you with my comment. I just want to point out your flaws in writing so that you can improve them.
You also have your own strengths in writing. What's good about you is your idea. You have a great idea on wrtin it's just that your delivery is still poor. But, it's okay. I know you could improve your writing because I can see your potential as a good writer. I hope you're not going to get hurt by my comment. I'm sorry if my words is too harsh. Thank you and have a nice day.

And congratulations for being featured!
Iminthezone #2
Congrats
agentllama08 #3
Chapter 35: Update please
ShineeLeeJinki #4
SEQUEL!!
naznew #5
i will read it..
EXOtic123 #6
umm....new reader here. you wrote infinate when its infinite on the foreward and you also used an old u-kiss photo but used the new members name........ but i'll start reading soon^^
unfixed-soul #7
Sequel because it doesn't make sense to just end it like that.
naznew #8
Gomawo update...
a sequel because you make the story suspended..
LeeMinJi #9
Gomawo for the update :D Sequel please!
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