Meeting Onew.....

I HAVE A BROTHER!?!

You woke up and saw that you were still holding the letter that the police officer gave you. You were glad that today is Saturday because you wont get yelled and the teachers. 

You then wash up and made yourself breakfast. When you finshed eating you change to skinney jeans and a t-shirt that has domo on it. You then grab your converse and left the house. 

You are now heading to onew house. While you were walking to Onew house you saw a chicken shop. SO you stopped walking and headed to the chicken store. You ordered crispy chicken 12 pecies and mashed poathoes. You paid the cashier and headed to Onew house. 

You then arrived at Onews house. It was huge! 10 times bigger than your house. you didnt know that onew lives in a freakin mansion. You then knocked at the door. And then Onew open the door. He was fall awake. 

YAH! Minyoung-ah. why are you here so early? he said. I need to talk to you? and guess what? you said. what? he said. I got chicken~! you said and then Onew eyes were wide open. 

Where is it? he said. You then pointed to your hand that was holding chicken. He then grab the bucket and started diging in. You then took one peice of chicken and eat it too. 

While Onew was done eating his 2nd chicken he saw that you were eating too.. WhaT?? you said to Onew. why are you eating chicken? he said 

Well, i love to eat chicken too.! you said. ANd then onew then contuied eating his chicken. When you were done eating your second chicken you grab a spoon and ate mashed poathoes. 

You then took your first bite. ANd then Onew started staring at me again. WHAT?!? you said. I want some. he said. AISH! you thought. 

You then grab a hugle spoon of mashed poathoes and gave it to Onew. 

When both of you were finally done. You told what happened about my parents and out grandma. And you then gave Onew the letter. 

He then started crying. And then i told him to calm down and i told him that i will be living here with you so you wont be loney okay? you said. 

OH kay.... he nodded. You waved goodbye and told him i meet him later. 

You then walk out and then you notice that it was very sunny so you got a idea. You went home and put your swilsuit under your clothers and bought stuff that you need. And then you ran back to Onew house. You then knocked. 

What? he said. I got a idea ! Change into your swimsuit. and he obeyed. You then told him that we are going to the water park. 

He then smiled. He ask if he could bring the guys and i let him.. 

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stephanie1138 #1
Chapter 1: Chapter 1: To be frank, I don't really like your writing.
First of all, the characters are boring. They are pratically the same person. They act the same. All of them are nice, good looking and insanely attractive. In short, flawless. It makes your story seems dead. Secondly, you narrate too much. Specifically, you wrote about everything which is very unnecessary. For example, the narration about Minyong's doing in the school. You narrate on her going to school, about her opening the locker, about her being boring in class. You can include them in the story but try to make them less obvious. Don't be too direct. Thirdly, you're making me confused by not sticking to any point of view. At first, you'd addressed Minyoung as 'you' and then as 'I'. It's hard to keep track on who's point of view is it. Because some of the stories out there is written from various characters' point of view.Also, you're using the word 'then' too much in your writing. I see that you try to connect the story using it but you keep repeating it over and over again. Lastly, I don't see the connection of the storyline. It doesn't flow nicely. The plot keep jumping all over the place. Try to be specific in writing the scenario. But don't write too much by writing unnecessary things. You're supposed to make the reader understand what's going on in your story. It able them to visualize the story easily.

Btw, I'm sorry for being harsh with my comment. I'm not trying to bash you with my comment. I just want to point out your flaws in writing so that you can improve them.
You also have your own strengths in writing. What's good about you is your idea. You have a great idea on wrtin it's just that your delivery is still poor. But, it's okay. I know you could improve your writing because I can see your potential as a good writer. I hope you're not going to get hurt by my comment. I'm sorry if my words is too harsh. Thank you and have a nice day.

And congratulations for being featured!
Iminthezone #2
Congrats
agentllama08
#3
Chapter 35: Update please
ShineeLeeJinki
#4
SEQUEL!!
naznew #5
i will read it..
EXOtic123 #6
umm....new reader here. you wrote infinate when its infinite on the foreward and you also used an old u-kiss photo but used the new members name........ but i'll start reading soon^^
unfixed-soul
#7
Sequel because it doesn't make sense to just end it like that.
naznew #8
Gomawo update...
a sequel because you make the story suspended..
LeeMinJi #9
Gomawo for the update :D Sequel please!