Mall(: Part2

I HAVE A BROTHER!?!

You then whispered in Woohyun.

YOU.LOOK.BEAUTIFUL.TOO.

He then blushed and then he said thanks and then we went in the cafe and order drinks. When we finshed ordering to took a window table and sat there and talk for hours. You then told him that you need more outfits. He then nodded and took me where clothes that i could wear.

The clothes there were so cute. I love this shop. The Shop name was. " WonderLand ".

You were finally finshed shopping. You got a ton of new clothes. You love your new outfits. You then kissed Woohyun goodbye and thank him. For having a nice time and then clothes.

You then found your car. You then put the bags in the back trunk. You then close it and drove home. When you arrvied at the dorm. You parked your car and then you got your bags and you then close the trunk and then you lock the car.

You then went up the elvator and went to the dorm. You drop your bags in your room with krystal. Hi unnie. you said to Krystal. Hey. Why do you have so many bags? she said. I went shopping with Woohyun and he got clothes that i wanted. you said. She then nodded and then she grab my ipad and started playing with it.

You let the unnies play them whenever they want because they trust me and i trust them. You then put your new clothes neatly in your drawer were all your clothes were. In the closet was only dresses and my uniform.

You then took a shower again and put on pajamas. You then heard someone yelled that dinner was finshed. You then blow dried your hair and then you went in the dining room and ate dinner with the unnies.

Unnies were lucky today because Krystal made seafood for other people except me because i was allergic. i HATE ALLERIGES! !!!!! 30 minutes later you finshed your dinner. You put your dish in the sink and then you felt a vibrate. You then notice that your phone was in your pocket. 

You then got your phone out of your pocket and checked the ID. it was manger oppa. You then picked it up. 

You: Hello? 

Manger: Tell the girls that we are going to practice our songs for the concert. 

You:Okay. See you later. 

You then hanged up. 

You then telled the girls that we needed to go practice. You then changed into hello kitty sweater and sweatpants. You then waited for the other unnies. 5 minutes later they were out with sweatshirts and sweatpants just like yours but not hello kitty. 

You guys then went to the practice room and notice that manger oppa was waiting for us. You guys practiced and pracited until it was midnight. All you guys were sweaty to head to toe. 

You guys went back to your guys dorm and then you guys took  a short shower and then went to sleep. 
 

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stephanie1138 #1
Chapter 1: Chapter 1: To be frank, I don't really like your writing.
First of all, the characters are boring. They are pratically the same person. They act the same. All of them are nice, good looking and insanely attractive. In short, flawless. It makes your story seems dead. Secondly, you narrate too much. Specifically, you wrote about everything which is very unnecessary. For example, the narration about Minyong's doing in the school. You narrate on her going to school, about her opening the locker, about her being boring in class. You can include them in the story but try to make them less obvious. Don't be too direct. Thirdly, you're making me confused by not sticking to any point of view. At first, you'd addressed Minyoung as 'you' and then as 'I'. It's hard to keep track on who's point of view is it. Because some of the stories out there is written from various characters' point of view.Also, you're using the word 'then' too much in your writing. I see that you try to connect the story using it but you keep repeating it over and over again. Lastly, I don't see the connection of the storyline. It doesn't flow nicely. The plot keep jumping all over the place. Try to be specific in writing the scenario. But don't write too much by writing unnecessary things. You're supposed to make the reader understand what's going on in your story. It able them to visualize the story easily.

Btw, I'm sorry for being harsh with my comment. I'm not trying to bash you with my comment. I just want to point out your flaws in writing so that you can improve them.
You also have your own strengths in writing. What's good about you is your idea. You have a great idea on wrtin it's just that your delivery is still poor. But, it's okay. I know you could improve your writing because I can see your potential as a good writer. I hope you're not going to get hurt by my comment. I'm sorry if my words is too harsh. Thank you and have a nice day.

And congratulations for being featured!
Iminthezone #2
Congrats
agentllama08
#3
Chapter 35: Update please
ShineeLeeJinki
#4
SEQUEL!!
naznew #5
i will read it..
EXOtic123 #6
umm....new reader here. you wrote infinate when its infinite on the foreward and you also used an old u-kiss photo but used the new members name........ but i'll start reading soon^^
unfixed-soul
#7
Sequel because it doesn't make sense to just end it like that.
naznew #8
Gomawo update...
a sequel because you make the story suspended..
LeeMinJi #9
Gomawo for the update :D Sequel please!