Nichkhun's Perspective

The latest I could get up was 8 am. Wen hadn't come back until at least 11 last night, so I was trying to get all the sleep I could. In the end, I fell out of bed before that because I smelled bacon. The odd time Wen cooked for us, everyone made sure they were there for the news. She always made breakfast when she was happy, which she hadn't been in a long time. Last time she had made food for all six, had been when there were all seven.

I was last to stumble out into the kitchen, seeing the others mowing down on the food.

"Morning lovely" beamed Wen, placing a plate in front of me.

I smiled back, before whispering to Junsu,

"She announce anything yet?"

"No, but I bet it's really good news considering she made bacon and dumplings." answered Junsu, reaching over to grab the last one on the plate

I observed Wen working away in the kitchen, who making sure each of us was fed as if our mother.  I hadn't seen this caring side of her in a long time, to this extent at least. She kept it locked up, only letting it loose maybe once in a while when it was just us two. There was a certain brightness in her voice, and lightness to her step that had changed over night. 

"So, is there anything anyone would like to share at this family meal?" implied Taec, looking intentionally at Wen last

She stopped drinking tea from her mug to tick her finger against her check, before grinning mysteriously

"No. I don't actually"

I had been preparing myself for something like, "I've moved the hell along with my life, and fallen for a guy other than your ex leader" or "I found my long lost panda slippers". Acutually, I knew Junsu had taken them, and the first one wasn't promising ether. Never mind. Nonetheless; I was expecting to know what had caused this new mood, and so early in the morning.

Wooyoung  gave it another shot,

"Nothing new and exciting going in in your life? No long lost relatives? New love interests? No large amounts of money? "

Again, she just played cute and said it was nothing. I hated when she was so cute, unintentionally using her aegyo. It made me so attracted to her even more, for some weird reason. .

Junho and I caught each others attention, giving a look and shrug that said "I dont know why she's so happy; not me"

We finished up he meal, really slowly though. Everyone was too busy taking advantage of Wen's talkative mood, chattering non-stop . Days like today made me appreciate how much Chansung could eat, so that this could wrap up and i could pull her aside maybe.

Ok, time to do it. She was drying the last dish, and all the guys were laying around rubbing their stomachs, no better opportunity.  Just do it Khun, it's not like you hadn't made her accidentally angry before...but she was so happy... I had to do it, I did have a sneaking suspicion now anyways

"Wen can I talk with you a second."

She slung the towel over her shoulder,

"Sure. About what?"

I glanced around, making sure the others were still preoccupied. Then, I waved her over to my room. She gave me a puzzled look, but still came without question. I closed the door behind her, ready to possibly drop the bomb that would kill her upbeat mood today.

"So; when did he propose?" .

Ok, it was a far jump, considering Jay was half way around the world, but it made the most sense. Today was the first time she had worn the ring he had given her in months, as a ring anyways. Sometimes on a chain, with a square pendant, but that was it usualy. I knew for a fact that ring was his mothers engagement t ring, because he would always worry about losing it during practice. Plus he wouid always say how it meanr he would get a girlfriend first. Or maybe it was to do with her rich and famous new boyfriend G-Dragon, she couldn't lie to me about that kind of thing.

"You have it wrong. I'm havent even turned 23 yet." she said, waving her hands around

"Ok, why are you wearing the ring again then?" I manipulatively asked

She glanced at her hand, as if she hadn't known she was wearing it.

"Why not, it's a nice piece of jewelry, why have it lay around" she cooed, almost slurring the words together

I was getting impatient with her vague and indirect answers. Im trying my best to be there as the big brother, but she made it difficult being still so, so...romantically active? Yea, that's it, romantically active. Why so suddenly too? I couldn't help but feel jealous of any guy that appeared in the tabloids along with her name.  Now I'm getting off topic and making this about me. Well, my point is that I don't get why she is being so secretive about why she's so happy.

"Ok, I'm just going to drop this now." I raised my hands in defeat, "Glad you are on a good mood, and aren't sulking away"

She let out a light laugh, almost childish "What do you mean, sulking around? I've been busting my for months. For a fact, I had a meeting with a producer at 5 am before coming back here"

"I'm trying to say, you haven't been this happy since, well, Jay left. I'm glad to see you've gotten over it" I explained

"Excuse me" she said, standing up. She was still wearing heels from her morning meeting, making her actually somewhat intimidating.

"Yea, I'm glad you've gotten over Jay because now you're not sad all the time." I repeated.

She winced, before bowing her head and giving me a glassy look,

"Theres a difference between getting over, and getting through things Khun"

With those final words, she strutted slowly out of the room and out of the dorm, hearing the familiar clang of the door falling shut. I definitely just killed the buzz.

"Khun! You broke her, again!" yelled Junsu in his Daegu accent, running into the room.

Junho trailed behind him, "Ya! We were going to ask her to go noraebang with us, but now she's out of her good phase!"

Junsu pointed at me accusingly, before adding

"And we haven't had one of those in over six months!"

Before the Jun brothers stomped away, Junho huffed, "Fix it!"

I rolled on to my bed, letting out a loud sigh and rubbing my face. Why did I always end up pushing her away by accident?

Pullng out the photo of Wen and I from the night Jay left, I remembered how she had been; before becoming an idol, before dating Jay, before he had left her to rot away.

"Where are you Guinevere" I breathed, tucking the goofy polaroid of us back into its hiding place.

How was I suppose to fix something, that hid its blemishes so well.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I don't know what being happy meant anymore to me.

Designing clothing? No, I had a standard that I had to uphold, pumping out ideas that weren't even all my own like how it had started. Singing and dancing? No, the words were put in my mouth and the steps programmed into me for months. Spending time with my loved ones? No, what loved ones did I have left.

I was a victim to fame. I had become lost in the industry, ramming into the hedges as I wandered helplessly through the maze. No one knew I was lost though; just me. Only I could save myself, and of course Jay. I needed him more then ever.

I leafed through my sketchbook, hoping to become inspired by my old work. The drawings of Jay and I, the one of Mir in a Pororo hat, and the first draft of the boys' pajamas were the ones I lingered on the longest. Each one showed different parts of my life, and my personality.  Around Jay I was thoughtful and goofy, with Mir I was childish and carefree, and all of 2PM together brought the craziest and wildest part of me out. I came to the end, realizing there was no more space, no more blank pages. Damn, I actually had an idea too.

Did this mean the end, that I was to stay in this numb stage feeling nothing? I couldn't add anything else, make new things to look back on. The memories, are just memories. This gnawing feeling was the present.  Was this how the story was meant to finish?

I had a small smile at the spotting of a free spot. This was wiped away though when I saw that the back of the last page had something on it already.

"Well this blows" I mumbled to myself, preparing to slam the cover shut. I didn't though, realizing what was on the page.

It was the doodle Jay had done before he had left, the makeshift family portrait as I recall. On the back, he had jotted down a something; definitely didn't notice this way back when. His cute cartoon style of drawing made me ache even more than I was already.

To my favourite girl,

I hope you like this drawing, because I sincerely wish to have a future like this with you. Hang in there; I'll come back to save you, no matter what.
I love you so much Wen.

Jay.

It burned to know he was this serious about me. 

But, here I am; still waiting for the life boat to haul me out of the water's dark depths. There is a time when you can't wait anymore for help, and have to swim for yourself and try not to drown. When you aren't a strong swimmer you have to try extra hard to escape.

This was written eight months ago, he didn't know he'd be gone this long, I didn't know he would.

Maybe the story didn't have to end like this, maybe I could still swim away and save myself.

I joined the company, putting up with the lifestyle not for my own enjoyment, but for the sake of being with Jay. What was my purpose now? Exactly; there wasn't one.

I closed the book finally knowing that after all this time, tonight had tipped the scales. A decision had been made, I was actually going to take action and do something.

I had to follow through with it, even though I am a bad swimmer.

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A/N- Finally into some new content! I'm so excited to add my new chapters I wrote in Europe. Thank you for all the feedback, I always look forward to it.