When I entered my place, the first thing I do is supposedly to clean up all the make up and wash up. But I didn’t do any of that, instead I sit down on the foot of my bed, my cellphone in my right hand as I stares down at it. After around ten seconds passed, I decided to call Byulyi because she asked me to call her when I get home. There is also something I need to talk about with her.

Byulyi picked up after the third ring.

I expected at least a greet from her, but I was thrown with a question instead.

“You went home with him?”

Wow, that sounded like an accusation.

It drew an immediate frown on my face. This is exactly what I want to talk about with her tonight. Byulyi doesn’t seem like she trusts me enough, doesn’t matter if she says it’s Eric that she doesn’t trust because in truth Byulyi is acting otherwise and I don’t think I’m okay with that.

“Yongsun.”

“Yes, I went home with him.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“Yong, you know he likes you—”

“Yes, and I’ve rejected him. I told him that I don’t like him. I told him that I’m engaged. So, what? Why are you being like this? Didn’t you tell me Eric doesn’t even sounded like a jerk? Didn’t I tell you that he’s not the type to do something so low? What were you thinking? Did you actually think I would cheat on you with him?”

“What? No, that’s not—”

“Then what?!”

“For ’s sake, Yong! I was worried!”

I was startled. That’s got to be the very first time Byulyi raised her voice at me and it supposed to make me feel guilty because she said she was just worried about me yet I was feeling anything but guilty. I know she’s worried, I understand that very much. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t have let Wheein come to the dinner just to watch over me, if I didn’t then I would’ve let Eric pick me up to and from the restaurant, if I didn’t then I would’ve hugged Eric to comfort his broken heart but because I’m aware about Byulyi’s concerns, I end up doing everything to ease them down.

And yet, it still wasn’t enough.

“Right,” I said with a small scoff. “So, what did you worry about knowing I went home with him? Oh, you seemed to forgot to ask but I’m all okay and fine.”

“I don’t like the way you’re talking right now…” Was all she said.

“And I don’t like the way you’re thinking of me or Eric.”

“Why are you defending him?”

“Excuse me, defending him?!” What is this, a court? “You know what, just answer my question. What were you worried about when you knew I went home with him? It’s either you don’t trust Eric or me.”

“…I, I don’t know, Yong… I just don’t like it. What if he took advantage of you? What if he can convince you to consider him?” At this point, Byulyi starting to show me what she truly has been feeling so insecure about. “What if he begged a chance for you and you give it to him because you felt bad? I’m feeling insecure. The fact that I’m so far away from you only makes everything feel worse…”

My hold on the cellphone tightens, my other hand clenching my bed sheets and I bit my lower lip. I was right, after all, despite her opinion on Eric the first time Byulyi still didn’t trust him enough. I’m okay with that, Byulyi doesn’t personally know Eric after all.

But she knows me.

She knows me so well.

Byulyi knows me better than anyone else on this face of the earth and yet she doesn’t put as much amount of trust as I thought she would. She’s still scared that I would give it up to Eric. Scared that I would turn away from her. Insecure about my feelings swaying because of him. And I feel disappointed of it. I told her many times, over and over again, that I don’t have feelings for him. I’m only in love with her—didn’t my sudden proposal to her says enough about it? I just don’t get why Byulyi would have this much insecurity being with me.

“Yong… Say something, please…”

My jaw clenches. I don’t know what to say.

Should I just blatantly tell her she after all doesn’t trust me enough?

“What do you want me to say, Byul…? Do you want me to be honest right now? I don’t think it’s the best way to say anything about this… I’m feeling tired and I’m still not over all the guilt for breaking someone’s heart. And you thought I would consider him, that’s—” I let out a tiring sigh. “We are engaged, Byul… You’re not being worried, you’re being insecure and I don’t know if you’re aware or not, but I don’t think you trust me enough like you told me.”

The line went silent.

And it was dreading, making me want to just end the call and sleep it off.

“I’m sorry, Yong… I—”

“No,” No, this is not what I want from her. “I don’t need your apology, Byul… I don’t know anymore how is this going to work for us if you’re going to be like this.”

“Please, don’t say that. We’ll work it out… I’ll do anything. I’ll stop being too insecure, I’ll try to trust you more but please… Don’t doubt us.” It’s a little ironic now that Byulyi said to not doubt us when that’s exactly what she did. “You’re tired… I know, please, just sleep it off for now, okay?”

I only give her a soft hum as a reply and a short, “Yeah, sure. Good night, Byulyi.”

That’s got to be the first time we cut off a phone conversation without any ‘I love you’ exchange. I hung up as soon as I said good night to her and left my whole upper body falls flat on my bed, the phone was still in my hand and I turned to look at it. The screen lights up, showing off my wallpaper, which was a photo of me and Byulyi. We were smiling at the camera and I remember what led up to this specific selfie being set as my phone wallpaper.

We weren’t together that time, only best friends. It started when Byulyi took a selfie of herself with me being in the frame, yet unaware. The next was she took another selfie the second she called out my name, I turned but still unaware, ending up with me frowning in the photo. I did protest to her about it, we had a small playful fight with me asking her to delete the photo but nonetheless, she won it and the photo stays in her phone. Then she asked to take a proper selfie and it turned out good, so good that I asked her to send it to me. It has been my wallpaper ever since.

As soon as the memory goes away, I felt a sense of longing washing over me and I suddenly remember how we fought for the first time as a couple. My eyes feel hot and I knew I was about to cry, so I took a deep breath and swallow the tears.

I turned off my phone’s screen, laying on my side while both of my hands embracing the tiny device as if I’m holding Byulyi in my arms. I shut my eyes and try to drift off into sleep. Though I swallowed the tears earlier, a drop of tear managed to slip out and I bury my head deeper into my sheets, refusing to give in to all the feelings.

I just want to sleep it off.

Preferably without crying.

I couldn’t be more grateful when I found sleep not long after due to exhaustion. And soon after, I’m back to work the next day. Some of you probably wondering: how’s Eric doing?

I honestly couldn’t tell if he’s doing good, better or just the usual. I just hope the rejection won’t leave him in some kind of depression or some kind. I was a bit scared because after that dinner, Eric didn’t come to work. So, was the next five days. My assistant, Jisoo, said Eric had taken a week off. It was so obvious that I was the reason he made that decision.

A few words got around the office because of it.

Because everyone knew he likes me and been pursuing me nonstop, his sudden leave rose up the rumor that I might be the one reason he left work for a whole week. I decide to play the fool and not entertain everyone because I kind of feel as if I really am the reason. And it also made me feel guilty again, though not as bad as that night. Minhyuk and Wendy came to my office to question me and probably make sure if all the rumors were true.

They’re one of my closest co-workers in the office so I told them that some of the rumors might be true but I can’t be one hundred percent sure either. He could be going somewhere because of a personal urgent matter.

“He left so suddenly and I remember you had dinner with him the night before.” Wendy said, eyeing suspiciously.

I could only shrug, while Minhyuk frowns. “You did? Why—oh god, you told him, didn’t you?”

“Oh my god, you broke his heart. That’s why he took a one-week leave.”

“The rumors are kinda true, huh?”

I gave them another shrug. “Sort of? I’m not sure. But yes, I told him about being engaged and that it is best if he stops pursuing me to be with him.” I left out the details where I also made him cry. I don’t want to look heartless, honestly, the sight of him crying made me feel guilty the most.

“I think it’s true.” Wendy spoke. “I mean, think about it. He has this huge project going on and it has to be finished in a month. You guys know this since we’re all present at the meeting last month. Two weeks have gone by, and now he sudden