There she is.

There she goes.

She hasn’t changed.

I’m glad.

She’s sitting on the couch with my little sister, Umji, on her lap. My mother was on her side, my biological sister, Yuju is busy taking several pictures of each one of us. I somehow knew she will get along well with my little sisters; she’s nice, cheerful, kind and lovable. My mother loves her and treats her like she’s her own daughter – if not too much, my mother must think we’re dating at some point.

Sadly, we’re not dating.

Sorry to tell you, but even though I’ve been falling hard for her until I can’t even think of dating anyone, she still has no single idea I have feelings for her. Will it be naive to say it’s ‘love’? I’m not entirely sure what I felt for her since the first time I saw her. I wouldn’t say it’s love at first sight, because there’s no such thing. You can’t see someone and instantly falls in love with them, that’s not love but pure attraction.

So, there is exactly no explanation of what I’m feeling for her after four years.

The first time we met was by a pure accident.

We bumped into each other right in front of the cafe where Wheein and Hyejin works. I was never good with words, especially in front of those who make me nervous and she...made me a nervous wreck that I couldn’t even say a single word out.

“Omo, I’m sorry!”

It was raining and I was standing in front of the cafe, reading the paper on the window that says ‘PART-TIMER NEEDED’ when she ran in her office attire and then accidentally tackled me until I fell on my .

“I’m really sorry! I didn’t see where I’m—“

I stood up and took my leave. She sounded pissed once I did so.

"Yah! I said sorry and you just walk away?!"

My steps turned into a run.

She won’t remember a thing about it. I'm sure of it because I was wearing a hoodie and a mask that time.

I didn't know she's a regular, the fourth day I worked there as a part-timer was a little devastating. I started the day looking at my lifeless dog laying nearby my bed. He was the only one I could tell all my days about since I moved to Seoul. I'm an anti-social, like they always call it, but I'm just very awkward at first approach. I almost thought about skipping for the day, but I just started working three days ago, so in the end, I dragged myself to go to work that morning, acting as if nothing horrible happen.

It was unbearable being the only one feeling so horrible because of my dog died and I had no one to talk to.

It affected my work. I don't know what I was doing but I was writing a small note when an order came to me. She ordered caramel macchiato. The coffee shouldn't be bitter at all, the other barista reminded me, but that moment I blanked out as I slipped the note under the coffee cup. Before I realized what I did wrong, I walked out of the shop from the backdoor, sighing deeply and just taking my time there before coming back inside.

"Oh, there she is." The other barista said, turning to me. I frowned, "Here's a note for you from one of our regulars."

I took the note in my hand and opened it.

"That is her preferences for her order. She never changes her order, so whenever she comes in, make sure you make it exactly like she wrote in there."

I blinked at him and then to one of the waiters, Wheein. "Did she give you this?"

"Yeah, why? Wait, you didn't give her a bitter coffee...did you?"

"I, uh..." I scratched the back of my neck and stares down. "...I kinda did."

I received a good lecture and a little scold here and there but then they all soften at me once I told them what actually happened that morning. They still scold me a little telling that I should just tell the truth and skip the day, the manager will understand, they said. But I just shrugged and said, "I already decided to come to work."

Wheein told me that despite me giving one of the regulars a bitter coffee, the woman didn't even protest nor complain.

I looked at the note again, "I'm a good listener." was all written in there.

"Do you know where she lives?"

"No, but I know she works at the building across the street."

I was surprised she turns out to be the girl who accidentally tackled me in front of the coffee shop that rainy day. She's beautiful and just when I thought I'll be a nervous wreck in front of her, she jumped at me and hugged me there. I didn't know what happen, but I figured she was pretending as if we're friends, so I played along with her.

Kim Yongsun.

Was it delusional to think that we're meant to be judging by our names?

I let that thought lingers in my head every time we're together. I know I've fallen for her, but I know she doesn't see me like that. We're comfortable being the best of friends for a few months until I had to leave for London. To be frank, a lot have happened since we started being friends. There are things happened that she doesn’t even know it happened, but I will keep it to myself. There are times I want to make a jump and confess, but every time I want to do that, I chickened out. I'm comfortable with this relationship too, the kind of friendly relationship where she will come at my apartment unannounced, the kind where she will cling onto me and pretending to be my girlfriend when a guy was hitting on her, the kind where I can be the only exception she has.

I have plenty of chances to confess but I never took them.

Even after four years not seeing her, I still throw those chances away.

“Psst, Byulyi.” I glanced up at her who just made her way from the couch all the way to where I’m sitting. I raised an eyebrow, but I doubt she can even see my eyebrows since I was wearing a santa hat that still a little bit too big for me.

“What?”

She bent down a little, matching my height. “Where’s your dad?”

I only shrugged casually, eyes glancing from left to right. Really though, I don’t know where he is and I don’t want to let myself asking his whereabouts to Yuju or my mom. There’s a small frown on her face and her lips turned into a small pout.

Damn, she’s cute like that. I had to tear my eyes away from her.

“Anyway, here’s your gift.” I handed her a box wrapped nicely in green with some bells patterns on it. When she touched the box with her hand, I put on a wide smile and try to deepen my voice a bit. “Merry Christmas! You’ve been a good girl this year.”

She chuckles and hit my arm lightly, “Thank you, Santa~” She flashed me a sweet smile before turning and walk back to her seat on the couch.

I secretly am feeling grateful for this white beard covering almost both of my cheeks. I can’t let them know I’m blushing that easily.

It was heartwarming seeing them getting along with my family. I can see it from her eyes that she has been feeling a little out of place knowing how much of a jerk my dad is. He’s not even around. I will seriously kick him out if he doesn’t have the courage to talk to me and explain his purpose of coming here.

An hour and a half passed by with Umji sitting on my lap in the last hour and she got off telling me that I don’t need to go this far because she knows it’s me, but she hugged me saying she would rather have me doing this every year than not seeing me at all.

She pulled back, looking as if she’s trying to hold back her tears.

Before she can even shed a single tear, Yuju came and took a picture of her and while shouting about how ugly Umji looks when she’s holding back her tears. They ran around the living room and Yuju being Yuju, not only she pisses off Umji, she also purposely took an ugly shot of Yongsun-unnie – actually, I doubt that picture of hers still look cute even when she says it’s not. They all running around the small living room and my mom just let them be when she told me she’s going to go fetch my dad.

I told her to just let him be but she didn’t listen.

When all three of them got too exhausted to do more running, Umji quickly went to her dreamland once she lay her head on Yongsun’s lap on the couch. Yuju sprawled on the carpet, panting while looking back at each picture she took with her pocket camera. It was way pass midnight and I could see Yongsun fighting her sleepiness, it’s cute. Without a second thought, I got up from my seat, taking off the beard and hat in the process then made my way to Yongsun. I slipped my arms under Umji’s small body and lift her up in my arms very carefully so she wouldn’t wake up.

I caught Yongsun’s frown as she says, “You know, I can just take her to her room and you can go change.”

I shook my head at her. “It’s okay, I’ll take her.” She held back a yawn. “Don’t sleep on the couch, go sleep in the bedroom.”

Umji is sharing a room with Yuju so before I went to their room, I told Yuju to get up and wash herself before going to sleep. She said five more minutes but I urged her to do it now. Even when she groaned, she still listened to what I said and I’m glad she did.

Reaching inside of both Yuju and Umji’s room, I carefully put Umji on her bed then putting over her blanket. Caressing her hair before leaving the room.

“Unnie…” Yuju stopped me in my track.

“What is it?”

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds and sighed. “Are you going to talk to him now? He’s at the backyard. Mom asked him to come inside, but he insisted on staying out there.”

Without conscious, I clenched my right fist. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Unnie.” She called again, more firm this time. She turned to look at me in the eyes, almost pleading. But I can’t tell if she’s pleading for me to not let him stay or otherwise. “Umji told me she wishes for him to stay… So please, if you end up letting him stay, could you make sure that it will be different this time? Make sure that it is indeed for the better and that he’s seriously changed.”

“Leave that to your unnie.”

I went out to check on the backyard, but unlike Yuju said, that man was nowhere in the backyard. I turned around and heading towards my mother’s room, if there is somewhere else he could be, it