(fixed) sehun and yeonji are on a date but they get caught in a shootout by emmagyu


Criticism Level: 9

Characters: 13/20
Sehun -- I understand that he is mute, has been hurt a lot in the past, and has a heart of a child, but does he really have to act like a spoiled child? You might want to show his mature side eventually down the road, because if he is just keeping up with this childish vibe, then it would actualy turn Yeonji into a pedofile of some sort (at least in the mental sense).  

Yeonji -- She is a motherly and gracedful person.  However, her motherliness is too much in contrast with Sehun's childishness.  In addition, although I understand that people would act differently in front of the ones they love, but Yeonji's "short-temper" and the way she interact with others are way too different from her earlier motherly vibe.  It's like she has split personality.  It certainly came as shocking to me, but not in a good way.  It seems rather forced and definitely had me cringing.

Overall, you would need to find the right balance with both character.  It might or might not be a good character/story reference, that I'll throw it out there just in case it would help you.  Look up Return of the Condor Heroes by Jin Yong, particularly pay attention to The Little Dragon Lady and Yang Guo's love relationship. Just see the wiki page of their character sketches or see a drama version of it if you don't like to read the book (actually Jin Yong's novels are not that great anyways, just great on the motion screens).

Plot: 10/20
Although it's just a scene work, but the rebels and ending are rather rushed and I don't feel any sadness at all despite what you have been trying to build up with Sehun and Yeonji's characters (and their relationship) for much of the scene.  I actually thought the ending was rather silly.  Perhaps, it would be different if you could invest more time when this becomes a full-length story.   

Another thing that I want to note is that beginning of this story, or at least the premise, reminds me of True Beauty.  You know, that famous AFF fanfic that turned into a real published novel....Sehun is also in it and plays a similar role as in your story.

Flow: 4/5
The perspective is consistent (no strange switching between first, second, and third person perspectives).  However, the pace was rather rushed towards the end.  Besides the ending, the rest of the flow is great (descriptions, memories, and events follow naturally and transits nicely from one thing to the next).

Grammar & Vocabulary: 7/15
In general, the scene's sentence structures are clear and relatively easy to understand, despite tenses problem (past vs. present).  Based on the writing, it seems you are intending to write this in present tense.  Assuming this is the case, here are the changes you would need to make:

[As if she will disappear as soon as he let her hands go, Oh Sehun had been interlacing their fingers together for more than 3 hours already and at this very point, Yeonji is starting to feel suffocated by his action.] -- Should be [As if she would disappear as soon as he has let go of her hands, Oh Sehun has been interlacing their fingers together for more than three hours already....]

[Sehun shook his head almost immediately as he heard that....Instead, he pull her body closer to him so that she bumps into his chest...] --> [Sehun shakes his head almost immediately as he hears that...Instead, he pulls her body closer to him...]

[As he heard her pleas, Sehun couldn't do anything but to let her go from him.  As soon as his skin lost contact to her, Sehun's heart is empty as his butterflies' stops dancing and dies as soon as Yeonji is far away from him.] -- Wordiness, word choice, tenses, and incorrect form of verbs.  Should be [When he hears her pleas, Sehun couldn't do anything but to let her go.  As soon as his skin loses contact with hers, Sehun's heart becomes empty as the butterflies stop dancing and die away.]  For the last part, the readers are smart enough to figure since it's quite obvious.

[...Sehun who is playing with his fingers quietly while his one of his feet  the floor.  She almost laughs heartily as she saw how adorable Sehun is in her eyes.] - typo, tense, word choice, and wordiness.  Should be [...Sehun who is playing with his fingers quietly while his foot  the floor.  She almost laughs heartily when when she sees how adorable...]

[...but he was tainted with the dirty people around him.] should be [...but he is tainted...]

[As for the people who mocked her for taking the mute boy home, she couldn't care less, because to her, Sehun communicates with her in the most special way he could.  For her, Sehun's slience is a golden treat for her.  She didn't care at all how they would struggle to communicate with each other, as long as Sehun is by her side and the same goes to him.]  Run-on sentence.  Should be [As for the people who mock her for taking the mute boy home, she couldn't care less.  To her, Sehun communicates with her in the most special way he could.  To her, Sehun's silence is a golden treat for her.  She does not give a care at all that how they would struggle to communicate with each other, as long as Sehun is by her side and the same goes for him.]

[After a harsh life the dictators had put him into, Sehun finally found his owner that could take care of him sincerely, not just use him as one of the servant.  Yeonji had treated him with full care without any harm to him, and after being tainted too much, Sehun finally being touch again with an an angel's hands.  He had worried too much before, when Yeonji bought him from the Palace as he thought that Yeonji is just the same as his other owners who treated him harshly physically and mentally...]

Just want to mention that "touch again with an angel's hands" make me cringe because it reminds me something this, "as touched by an angel"; there is a negative connotation with this phrase such as "pedofile" and since this sentence is about the goodness of Yeonji, I supposed "pedofile" is not the right vibe.  Maybe it's just me though, but I want to point it out just in case.  Okay, besides that, let's move on with the correct grammar here (mistakes here are run-on sentences, word choice, and awkwardness):

[After a harsh life the dictators have put him through, Sehun has finally found an owner that would take care of him sincerely, and not just use him as one of the servants.  Yeonji has treated him with nothing but kind care. After being tainted for such a long time, Sehun is finally being touched again with an an angel's hand.  He has been too wary when Yeonji has first bought him from the Palace as he has assumed that Yeonji is just the same as his other owners who have treated him harshly physically and mentally...]

I'll just stop here since I'm not a beta reader.

To be honest when you requested, noting to place focus on grammar and having to see your writing, I thought you are actually looking for a beta reader and not a reviewer.  As your sentence structure and writing style is actually quite clear and vivid (and has a variety of vocabulary as well), I believe you might want to consider getting a beta reader to work with you for a while (maybe for around ten chapters worth or less of a story or scene works) until you get a hang of the language.  Then, I believe you can fly on your own.

Description & Emotions: 7/10
The emotions and descriptions are great at the beginning, then so-so in the middle, and then not-so-good towards the end.  Because of the amazingly, great description at the beginning, I have thought this story takes place in the ancient era (the ancient & romantic era of the aristocats).  Then, bam! Modern day clothes...You should have warned the readers long before this through some kind of description.  It was rather a strange experience to imagine Yeonji in a beautiful hanbok and suddenly everything turned into just some modern slacks. 

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
+ The beginning had potential and then the rest went awry.

Total: 44/75 (58.67%)// C (+) 
I apologize for the delay.  Please remember to follow all the rules! ^^

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