FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Title: 4/5

I must give credit to your title, it's unique. It gives off a vibe, making me click the link that redirects to your story. People who'll see your title first would ask, 'what's with street 99?' and it's a good thing. It pulls new readers. Somehow, the whole story happened around the street 99, so it makes sense; although, I really do not find the title really related with the entire story. So what, if the plot happened around Street 99? You could have had constructed a better one.

Description & Foreword: 3/5

Telling something about the lead character was a good choice, but, I must say, it didn't appealed on me as much as any other foreword. Perhaps it was because of the few grammatical errors I found. You're description wasn't well put up too. I suggest that your so-called author's note be put after giving your foreword, but do not put it in the description area. That part should contain the brief introduction about Baekhyun's personality, because it is the part where your projected readers will read first; you should make it very appealing, pulling them to be able to subscribe to your story. I also don't really get it why you must include character profiles on your foreword. I mean, it's your job as the author to make your readers understand those facts, and not tell them beforehand.

You should also revise your foreword to make it more consistent. There are sentences that are in present tense, while the others are in the past form. It doesn't connect smoothly, so I question it's flow. Remember that your foreword and description is as important as your story's content.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 3/5

You said that your graphics are on construction, so I wouldn't add that to the judging. However, I suggest that you justify your work instead of aligning it to the right; it will make the layout much neater. And another thing, the words are readable alright, but I strongly recommend you to use a serif font for I cannot follow the words, since I have a hazy eyesight.

 

WRITING STYLE:

Grammar & Vocabulary: 2/10

I know I shouldn't give much focus on this part, but I cannot help it. For regular readers, your sentence structure and errors usually go unnoticed, but I would like to enlighten you on a few errors.

You have a lot of verb confusions. I noticed that you tend to shift from past tense to present tense, even in a single sentence. The sentence structures are very choppy; you also tend to cut sentences with periods, other than using commas. Please use commas more often. I noticed that you used them sparingly, as I tried to read the story further. If you don't cut sentences, you junk all of the phrases in a single sentence without using commas. Imagine, if you were to speak those sentences, you would find it hard to do so because you haven't included breaks, or have a lot of them.

Examples:

"I lazily look behind at him. Manners I learnt from elementary school." Does this seem right to you? First off, you could choose whether you'll cross out the preposition behind or at him, because it's redudancy already. Plus, the second sentence cannot stand on it's own. Is there a thought with the sentence? Neglecting the first one, would you understand what the second sentence meant? You should replace period (.) with a semicolon (;) since you're talking about the related sentences.

"I glanced at the time on my watch." This is another issue of redundancy. We all know that if you looked at your watch, you would also look at the time, and vice versa. So you should cross out either one of the two.

"The amount of concentration they use when they draw designs on top of the drinks." Is what? This lacks a predicate. The thought isn't there. Please specify.

"There was dance classes later." You have the tense in past tense, yet you have later, which is used for future tense. Plus, the pronoun subject 'there' is referring to the object 'dance classes'; since it's plural, the verb should be plural in form too.

"How fast are children these days progressing." What? You should fix this fragment.

"When I was that age, I even found my dad’s kisses disgusting and perfectly avoided everyone of those kisses he tried to give me." You used the conjuction 'and' but the next thought was confusing. You could have rephrase it like this: When I was their age, I perfectly avoided my dad's kisses  because I found disgusting.

Also, I noticed that you don't vary your sentences. It kinda looked stiff to me. You also put one word sentences such as "sighs." and "ugh." I mean, using one word sentences is alright, but with verbs? You're story isn't an rp, try to describe those more than just a word.

There are also odd sentence structures. A lot. "I pushed open the doors..." as an example. The word open should at least be put after the object because it looks weird.

Another thing, I noticed that sometimes you are confused with singular and plural forms of either nouns or verbs. "She's such a nice and kind women." Don't you think there's something wrong?

Please, make another paragraph if the following sentences doesn't relate to the previous sentences already. That's why there are very long paragraphs; not that it is bad though, but you really need to. It bother's me that I should go and read one long paragraph after the another.

Writing Style: 6/15

Since you change point of views more often, why not use third person instead? Sometimes you only add a symbol as an indication and the next thing I know, I was reading an entirely different POV already. It's quite a burden. If you want to use first person, then you must at least change once in a while. And including other people's point of perspective whereas they aren't even one of the main characters is  not appropriate. Readers don't need to know the other character's point of views just as how we people don't want to hear others opinions. True right?

Other than that, you described everything all too well. It even came to a point when I feel like some sentences aren't supposed to be there. You tried hard to make descriptive sentences, but since you put them all in a single paragraph, it appears to be draggy. Your style is good, nonetheless.

 

DIGGING DEEPER

Characters: 17/25

Your characters are really explained, thus it's in first person and you're switching perspectives time by time. Although I think they make me think like they're just fictional characters and they aren't real. Get the point? Sometimes, writers write their characters and we thought they are so real, that they really exist. Unfortunately, I think it didn't happen with your story. I haven't felt that the character of Tiffany, Baekhyun, and Luhan to be real. They are real alright; it looked like they are Baek and Luhan of EXO and Tiffany of SNSD, not your own characters. I think you based them too much on the 'real person' that you haven't owned them. Do I make sense, or no?

Second, you don't need to share the side characters' background information. Readers don't need to know that Minseok picks-up a lot of girls, or that Jongin is the maknae.

Baekhyun: Sometimes I question his shallowness about love and stuff. It hasn't been that long ever since he met Tiffany but he has fallen hard and fast already. But, that is how teenagers are nowadays so I won't raise the bar anymore. (lol) Anyways, his character is so basic: the kind guy who saved a girl, who is cheerful and whatnot. You could have gave him a little change with his personality but since I write short stories too, I know it's hard to characterize in a short story. His job wasn't described either. You just wrote a paragraph that told about his being late for work and his annoyance with waring a grey shirt as his uniform. But what was his part-time exactly? Is he a fast food resto crew, or is he a street sweeper? Who knows? 

Tiffany: Her character is the one big puzzle to me. She's also your stereotype good and very pretty girl you can find in most stories. Like Baekhyun, it hasn't took a while before she has fallen in love with Luhan, enough to bring her into depression and to throw a fit when the latter broke up with her. She's the older so I guess she should act mature. You could have written some explanations about her past so that we would understand her personality. Also, what is her relationship with that drunk man who kissed her on the first part? I don't get that scene.

Other characters: Somehow, I also consider Luhan as a side character; he was important but not as important as the other two. He also has the same problem with the other two; he is too good and too shallow with love. I even thought I was reading a story about kids! But they're not kids alright, they're adults and they could have somehow acted like one.
With the other people such as Taeyeon, Kris, Sunkyu, etc., their personalities weren't described much because they aren't even main characters to begin with. But it seemed like Kris and Minseok were bad guys, because they pick-up girls around Street 99.

Plot: 13/25

You're plot is cliche. I gave you a low score because the plot was okay, but as the series of events unfold, my frown just gets deeper and deeper. The plot twists are okay too: Luhan suddenly becoming an idol, and Baekhyun going away without even telling that he did, I just figured when he came back from somewhere; and Tiffany almost comitting suicide because of a break-up. I figured all those unpredictable, but it hadn't impressed me, unfortunately. 

In summary, I can already tell that it was a story of a girl who almost got into a trouble, then stranger comes to save the day. They meet again after that and the male lead's best friend is also attracted to the same girl. The girl and his best friend starts dating and it hurts him, causing him to take a leave. Then the couple becomes distant and that's the perfect timing for the male lead to make his reappearance, to take care of the girl in replace of his best buddy. And they end up together after all, how cute!

Flow: 2/5

The flow is messy. The timeline progression was alright, but like what I have said earlier, your constant shifting of POV was too much that I have to frown everytime you do.  And what is the cafe's real name- Comfort Area or Comfort Zone? There was also this instance that Baek was preparing for work but after a few spaces, someone was already waking him up inside the classroom. Please note at least something so that the readers woudld know that you're shifting timelines. And what's with Narin, the queenka? I feel like she doesn't need to be included in the story. Lastly, it hasn't been that long but Baekhyun is already deeply, madly, crazily 'in-like' with Tiffany? Really?

There are a lot of shifting timelines that I get confused which era am I already. Like what I have said, you should have used third person.

FINALLY

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5

I read EXO fics too, but this one doesn't appeal me. The title is so attractive, but the plot and constant POV switch kinda turned me off.

TOTAL: 51/100

 

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