FIRST IMPRESSIONS (14/15)

Title: 5/5

I always love titles that have symbolism, so I do think that The Black Dahlia is fitting for this story, especially because it has two connotations: one is the Black Dahlia case, and the other is the flower itself which is associated with death (that is pretty related to this story).

Also, maybe it is just the name but the title itself radiates a sense of intrigue and mystery; 'black' is obviously tightly connected with 'darkness', and hence, readers who love dark stories will be compelled to read this one. At the moment, I have not seen a title like it yet. 

Description & Foreword: 4/5

The association with the real Black Dahlia murder case is a nice touch, but I feel like the link is a little awkward somehow (I will further explain in the Plot section). Also, the reptition of 'what if I told you' is a little unnecessary. The addition of the quotes also express the guilt that Jiyong has which will pique the readers' curiosity as they wonder how Chaerin's death is linked with him. 

Overall, I do think that the foreword is intriguing; it does give off a dark feeling in general which fits with the tone of the story perfectly.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The format is relatively neat. I did not really like how the whole text was italicised but after reading the story, I see that the whole story is pretty much flashbacks (except the ending). I think the poster perfectly fits in with the mood of the story, and thus serves as a nice accompaniment.


WRITING STYLE (13/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 2/10

I apologise if I am awfully blunt here, but I think some work can be done regarding this portion.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Foreword: "But, what if I told you that wasn't the murder's only victim..." - "But, what if I told you that the victim of that case is not the only one?" If you use 'that', then it would refer to the murder case which is NOT a victim. Therefore, I have rephrased the sentence in case you want the description to be a little ambiguous in the sense that it does not include the victim's name.

Chapter One: "The scarf was one I knitted for her; the dress was one of her designs that she treasured so much, the smile was for remembrance of her short lived life and the dahlias were to symbolize the way she died." - "The scarf was one I knitted for her; the dress was one of the designs that she treasured so much; the smile was to remember her short-lived life; and the dahlias were meant to symbolize the way she died." 

Chapter One: "I couldn't, may there be pain that was worse than what I felt now?" - The second sentence is structured incorrectly, and the two parts should be separated. Also, the first part doesn't tie up with the other sentence before it. Here I have rewrote the sentence so that everything links up a bit more nicely. "I couldn't touch her—not when the pain was so unbearable."

Chapter One: "Asked her, begged her to wake up." - This is a very obvious run-on sentence; the proper sentence should be "I asked her and begged her to wake up."

Chapter One: "I stared into her dead eyes. Her eyes that used to sparkle with passion when she told me about her dreams." - The full stop should be replaced with a dash because the second sentence is an additional thought.

Anyway, here is an overall comment about the grammar of your story. One thing that has bothered me a lot is the lack of punctuation (especially full stops). Unless you are writing a heading, then I think it is only proper that you include a full stop at the end of every sentence. There are also many glaring errors in your story; some include incorrect punctuation, weird sentence structures, run-on sentences, and there are also occasional preposition mistakes which become extremely distracting as the plot progresses on.

What I would suggest is that you should edit your story a couple of times beforehand; it is easier for you to see the grammatical mistakes you may have made then. Reading the sentences you have written may help as well, because it is fairly easy to notice weird sentence structrues once they are read aloud. Also, do take note of the difference between semicolon and comma because you use them at inappropriate timings at times. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses (usually related) together. You can also browse through articles in case you are unsure. 

Vocabulary-wise, there are many repetitive sentence structures, especially "I...". Do try and vary your sentence structures a bit so it is not as monotonous. There are also many vague words that do not have much effect.

Writing Style: 11/15

The mood is indeed gloomy and sorrowful, so I guess the tone fits the story. I think there is good attempt in expressing the intense emotions that Jiyong is experiencing; his actions, thoughts and behaviour are all well described, although there can be more description of his feelings at the beginning. Also, some use of figurative language and imagery may be able to give your story a little more life. You can also try to describe the surroundings so that they can add on to the dark atmosphere.


DIGGING DEEPER (22/55)

Characters: 7/25

Technically, the readers barely know how Chaerin's personality is like (except that she seems to be a bright and nice girl according to Jiyong and Taemin) so I will just talk about Jiyong.

There are many things which I am unable to understand about Jiyong. How is it that he knew he had to find her before it was too late? When he first saw Chaerin's body, why wasn't he shocked? Naturally, he would feel distressed, but it would make sense if shock came in first considering that her death was extremely abrupt. I am thinking that it may be due to his personality, but I am still unable to comprehend why he blamed himself for Chaerin's death (how would he even know that she would be murdered?). 

Also, I don't know how Jiyong was like before Chaerin's death but it just seems odd to me that his first reactionwas to touch her (instead of calling the police). Furthermore, he was willing to kiss the Cheshire grin that was carved into her cheeks! That scene itself is the starting of the story and it had made me absolutely disgusted by the character that is Jiyong. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up being the killer (that would be some major plot twist though).

Another thing is that his mindset is really puzzling... He readily blamed himself for Chaerin's death but he didn't even want to try and find the real murderer. Sure, maybe the country's law is screwed up, but if he could at least try especially if he loved Chaerin so much. However, he did nothing except wallow himself in self-pity, which is why I am unable to sympathise with him even at the end of the story. Perhaps he has his reasoning, but I think the reasoning is not evident or well elaborated enough for me to show pity towards Jiyong.

All in all, I know Jiyong probably had issues beforehand which could have led to his unusual behaviour later on, but it is important to further expand on them so that the readers can understand what his motives are and sympathise with him. Also, I don't think he had really grown much at the end of the day. All he had done was mourn (although really, he can actually use the time to do something productive like finding the killer). Ultimately, his death just... feels empty. Perhaps it is meant to be touching in the sense that he killed himself to join Chaerin, but all I feel is emptiness. He has wasted his life doing nothing, and even when he is the only one who can initiate the search for the murderer, he does none of that. It feels pathetic somehow.

Furthermore, I think you can better develop Chaerin and Jiyong's relationship. Perhaps there can be more concrete flashbacks of them so that the readers will be more emotionally invested into their story (and they will also better understand why Jiyong loved her so much).

Plot: 10/25

What I like is the symbolism of the dahlias (as mentioned) as well as its link to the real Black Dahlia case. That is a risky choice but I think that adds a tinge of realism to the story somehow. Also, it sheds more light onto the real case which some people (like me) may not know about.

What I dislike is, ironically, the link to the real Black Dahlia case as well. It just feels like the connection isn't there. Although Chaerin died the same way as the real victim did, there is no other parts of the story that are associated with the real case. If it existed before, why didn't the police make a connection (especially since the murder method is the same)? Why is it that no one mentioned it? Also, the focus of the story itself seems to be more on Jiyong's emotions  (romance) than anything else, and that makes the association rather weird. I guess this is a matter of execution.

Admittedly, I am unsure as to what the themes of this story is. Perhaps it is about helplessness and the feelings of losing a loved one, but that is all to it. The helplessness isn't portrayed well enough for it to give a concrete message and so, the story doesn't end up to be reflective of anything.

The plot basis is quite interesting but I think the portrayal makes the story seem like a typical horror story. A guy's girlfriend dies and the guy contineus to dwell on her death. It doesn't really add anything new to the table.

I am pretty curious how the murderer decides to call Jiyong and let him know about his girlfriend's death, but perhaps that will remain a mystery. I actually like how Chaerin's death leaves behind so many questions that will never be answered, because it is just like life itself. Also, what is the purpose of Taemin's inclusion in the story? It seems like he only appears briefly without any real significance to the plot.

Flow: 5/5

The flow is pretty consistent; there is enough foreshadowing beforehand to hint the fact that Jiyong is going to die soon. The POV remains consistent as well.

FINALLY (0/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 0/5

Honestly, I cannot say that I have enjoyed the story in the end. I find the idea interesting, but the execution itself is poorly done. To me, characters play a vital role in stories, and when the narrator himself becomes a big turn-off, then it becomes extremely difficult for me to like the story. 


TOTAL: 49/100 (D)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: I sincerely hope I have not offended you with my words. This is simply my genuine opinion and feedback to you; you are free to disagree if you'd like. Do not feel discouraged by this review, by the way! This is just your first fic (and a rather complex one at that), and so you'll have plenty of time to improve on your writing skills. Thanks for requesting and please remember to follow all the rules.