love you, mr. ex-bodyguard by bangdaejong



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3/5
The title match the story pretty well, but it just too common and long. It's not appeling to actually click on the story when it appears on the home page. Maybe you could consider to use one-word titletype to attract readers to your story. The title is quite straight forward, so people knows what to expect from the story.

Description & Foreword: 5/10
Your description is short and it doesn't actually fit the story. It doesn't reveal to much about the story but it's not enough to attract people to read your story. It doesn't fit because the main story should be the one that he fall in love with his ex-bodyguard, but the description is only up to why he need a bodyguard. You can add some line from the story to make it more intriguing for the readers to keep reading the story.

Characters: 14/20
Honestly, your characters are just typical characters that usually shows up in various stories.. Over protective hyungs, a normal teenage boy, the guy he falls in love, the 'bad guys' who always find ways to hurt the kind one. Every characters play their roles well enough, just like any typical caracter will do though. But it's confusing on how some of the characters just suddenly pops out and become part of the story. You need somehow to introduce the characters a little; more or less. I get it that you want to add many characters but try to not making things complicated for readers; by introducing them properly. At one point, sometimes readers tend to question who the hell is that person is. One more thing, I noticed that almost all chapters are focusing on Jongup (well, he is the main character) and revolve around him. Try to include some scene about the side characters like a day with Himchan and Yongguk or something. Apart of what I previously stated, every characters play their role right and their behaviour quite reasonable (maybe a little too childish?) 

Plot: 14/20
At the beginning, the plot is quite slow; but it's getting better throughout the story. One problem though, the plot is just too common and predictable. Going through the chapters, readers can predict and expect what's going to happen next. You can add more twist along the story to make it more interesting and anticipating. But the plot twist at the end is a good job to be honest. I thought that Daehyun would die but he didn't. Credit to you for that one.

Flow: 4/5
The story going in a smooth pace and going well. Every events that occur fall right into it's representative place. 

Grammar & Vocabulary: 12/15
There isn't a lot of grammar or spelling mistakes. But there are quite a lot of sentences that are awkwardly executed. Rather than using too many unnecessary words, you can use the exact word instead. 
Seniors won't let their butts stay helpless in their seats. --- Seniors won't remain seated helplessly in their seats. 
They would start hunting for new victims to be bullied off. --- They would start hunting for new victims to bully and make fun off. 
Don't you think I'm big enough to have bodyguard tailing me behind? --- Don't you think I'm old enough to have bodyguard tailing me behind? 
His dongsaeng could only smile making his eyes turned into crescents ones as he could not thank his hyung verbally. --- His dongsaeng smiled, his eyes shaping into crescents as he could not thank his hyung verbally. 
Daehyun smiled at how polite little Taehyung asked him permission to go with Jieun. --- Daehyun smiled at how polite little Taehyung was; asking for his permission to go with Jieun.

Description & Emotions: 8/10
Your story is descriptive enough. The characters' behaviours and actions are potrayed convincingly good. And the emotions shown by the characters can be felt by your readers.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
Your format is neat and the words are readable. The poster is beautiful and it quite relevant to the story (maybe a bit simple?). I like your background, it's simple and don't look messy. 

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I do like to read your story, but as I said, it's too predictable. And the usage of awkward sentences keep bugging me. 

Total: 72/100 //C (=) 
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