FIRST IMPRESSIONS (9/15)

Title: 2/5

While the title is relevant to the story, I feel that it isn't a very eye-catching title as 'heiress' is a relatively overused word and this can also cause misconceptions regarding the story itself (many people may think the story is about a wealthy girl). Furthermore, there is no twist to the title either which may result in a lack of memorability.

Description & Foreword: 2/5

While the description is pretty relevant (I suppose the ending part will be further highlighted at the later chapters of the story), I still think there are many parts that can be improved on.

Firstly, formatting is very important in descriptions because it can highlight certain words that you want to emphasise on as well as important phrases and sentences that can catch the readers' attention. The paragraph alone for your description can be split up into several sentences for better reading.

Secondly, the paragraph makes the story sound rather predictable. I also think it would be better if the details are alluded rather than explicitly shown. Here is an example, but you can tweak it depending on the tone you want to convey:

"Suspicion was enveloping Ji Won. She could sense a threatening presence.

Footsteps were approaching, about to tangle her with pretentious lies.

Yet, when she attempted to reach out to the truth, she uncovered appalling secrets that could change her entirely."

I have nothing much to say for the foreword, but I think it is a nice start for this story since there is action. Also, I don't really think the character cast is necessary though I guess it can be helpful since your story has quite a large character cast. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The graphics is very well-done. The poster gives off a sense of sophistication and royalty (which is linked to the title) and I think the inclusion of the main character(?) with the mask is a nice touch. I have to say that the layout for the foreword seems a little ill-fitting because the petals heavily remind me of light romance (and I'm pretty sure your story is a little on the dark side). However, I do like the layout for the story and that is not a big detriment to the overall appearance.


WRITING STYLE (14/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 5/10

It is not advisable to start off with a connective phrase (e.g. but, so) because it is technically not proper. I also think that you can further improve the consistency of the story's tense, although the mistakes are not so frequent to the point that the default tense of the story is unrecognisable. Just take note of certain words and be wary of contractions (e.g. pours, finds, it's which is short for 'it is', seems, has, can, is, add, regrets etc)

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

C1: "Ji Won babbled and Shin Hye chuckled at her younger sister's words." - This is a common error as it is easy to get mixed up with connective words, but mistakes like these can be fatal, so do be aware of these! The flow of the sentence will indicate whether this certain connective word is suitable or not.

C1: "Well I brought my work with me because it's raining and I know that you love telling me about your day in the university over a mug of hot chocolate." - There is nothing wrong with this sentence (although a comma should be placed after 'well' but I just want to point this out. This is because it is very easy for you to make grammatical mistakes when you are writing long sentences. Hence, it is best if you split long sentences to shorter sentences; it will also ease the burden on your readers' eyes.

C1 "...what will happen if we're going back..." - The tense here is wrong because the country is not going back at that moment. Instead, the two words should be 'we go' since there is already a 'will' in front.

You are able to make use of a variety of words to convey your intended meaning, but some may come off as vague or be inappropriate for the context.

Writing Style: 9/15

Your writing style is leaning towards the formal side so it is best if you do not use contractions  in your narration because they usually detract from the formality. I think you can add more life to your writing by describing the characters' facial expressions and actions in detail since the description can be lacking. For instance, during Jiwon's discussion about monarchy, you can narrate about her determined eyes or how her lips were firmly pressed together; in fact, any physical features will show the readers what the characters were feeling.

Last but not least, when it comes to narrating a certain experience (e.g. they had a rough year), you can use figurative language to convey the same meaning to the readers, but in a more elegant way (e.g. the clutches of the year seemed to be tormenting them).


DIGGING DEEPER (38/55)

Characters: 15/25

It is difficult for me to point out the critical flaws of the characters' development since there are only three chapters so far, but here are my opinions based on the first impressions. Personally, I think the characters are not fully fleshed out yet because only the one-sided aspect of them is shown.

Jiwon is the most developed out of all the characters. The 'ice princess vs. childish interior' is a commonly used trope, but there is nothing wrong with using this typical personality at all as long as you expand on it. I see how Jiwon is able to act so carefree (like a little spoiled child) to Shinhye, Han Groo and Woobin to an extent and how she can then act like a shy fangirl in front of Minho. However, I do not think the intimidating side of her is shown enough because I certainly do not feel the 'ice princess' vibe coming out from her, though I suppose it will change as the story progresses. Still, I can see how dynamic her personality can be in these three chapters which is a plus.

I also like how she has her views towards monarchy and is insistent on her beliefs; this already tells me that in future, she will no doubt be a suitable heiress (although Shinhye will probably have to watch her actions). Her easygoing personality towards Woobin is admirable as well.  Her fears are also clearly displayed, although they are not well elaborated yet. The only thing that needs to be worked on is her inner weaknesses because she does seem a little perfect at the moment, but I am pretty sure it will just be a matter of time before the readers can see the fragile side of her.

Shinhye is indeed like the opposite of Jiwon; she is a very motherly kind of person and knows Jiwon and Hangroo a lot. I like that she has a consistent personality, but I would say she is less developed compared to Jiwon. Her emotional fear is not really exposed yet and all in all, she seems a little too perfect. Of course, you have plenty of time to develop her character to something more.

What I like is the relationship Jiwon and Shinhye share; they may bicker merrily but they truly care for each other. That is what I call real sisterhood.

I do not have much to say for Hangroo except that she seems like a second Jiwon (without the ice princess image maybe), but I do like the fact she has a backstory (although I have to say it is somewhat foolish of her to burn the box with money inside, but that may be excusable if she is ditzy in nature). Her backstory is already present so further expansion is only needed.

Woobin and Minho are okay... Well, Woobin is a little more developed than Minho but they both give me the 'nice' image, though I suppose it will be a different case as the story progresses on, so I will not count them in yet.

Plot: 18/25

I suppose the monarchy idea does have a link to the actual story (considering that Jiwon is meant to be the heiress...) At the moment, the story does give me the mystery vibe (I like how the mystery bit is revealed at the end of every chapter because it can serve as a cliffhanger, but change the positioning a little as the story progresses).

The plot itself is not fully developed yet so it is hard for me to comment on it. What I do like is how the pain of losing one's loved ones and shattering of hope can affect others (and the characters), and I think they are messages that can be further expanded on. Portrayal-wise, the story seems normal so far but you will always have the chance to incorporate twists in it.

Advice: For mystery plots, it is best to plan ahead because it can be easy to get lost in the midst of your own mystery. I am not too sure how you are intending to end the story or if you have even thought about the road ahead yet, but it is very important to tie all the loose ends so that the readers will not end up confused. Cliffhangers are perfectly fine but they need to be tackled with discretion, and all vital questions regarding the main plot must be answered.

As for romance, I am in no way skilled at romance but pace is key as well as the chemistry between and development of the two characters. I assume Minho will be the love interest of Jiwon, but for me, he only comes off as a typical 'Prince Charming' at the moment instead of a real character. Hence, development is mandatory for his character so that the readers will feel for him and support the relationship between Jiwon and him.

Flow: 5/5

The flow is pretty smooth and well-paced so far.

FINALLY (2/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

For me, I do like mystery stories but I will probably have to read more to know whether my interest is actually piqued yet. This is a nice start, but certain errors (in the writing style aspect) can be better rectified.


TOTAL: 63/100 (C)

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