the wanderers by luckyjune



Criticism Level: 9

Title: 3/5
Frankly speaking, whenever I read your title, it reminds me of The Host by Stephenie Meyer. So, I do think that your title is quite eye-catching, especially for those who has known that novel or movie. On the other hand, I feel that when I read that title – probably since it reminds me of The Host – I always think that its genre is fantasy, instead of slice of life and romance. Also, because you have only done three chapters, I haven’t found the connection between the title and the storyline, but I guess I know where you are going.

Description & Foreword: 8/10
I like your description. It’s simple yet interesting. And if we look at the title and the description, somehow, they match. Somehow, some people wouldn’t read some work with messy grammar. Thus, by description, they’ll decide whether they want to read it or not. If your description’s grammar has quite a lot mistakes, then I doubt they’re going to read your story. So, be careful.

Characters: 17/20
The way you portray Suzy here is quite impressive. Although this girl has two different characters, what’s inside and what she allows others to see her, but I can somehow understand what she’s feeling. Nevertheless, Myungsoo’s character is rather difficult to approach. What I mean is that, at first you stated that Myungsoo was a logical person, but then on the next chapter, you told readers how a dreamer he was (especially on the heroes’ part). Also you stated at first that Myungsoo wasn’t fond of talking, but on the latest chapter, the way Myungsoo talked to Suzy didn’t portray that character, instead he seemed to be the talkative yet nerd person.

Plot: 15/20
By only the first three chapters, I still cannot decide whether it is romantic enough or not, since you stated that it is a romance. But, from the first three chapters, readers could directly say that this portrays people’s lives, how one will start to be attracted towards the other.

Flow: 4/5
Truthfully, I haven’t seen any unnatural flow from your story. The way you use the point of views is also stable. One thing though, when you tried to write down your character’s thinking by italicizing them, just use the first point of view; readers will understand. It will be useless italicizing them if you still use the third point of view.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 7/15
Telling you the truth, you are really jumpy. You don’t seem to know when to use the correct tenses, since you just jumped here and there, using past tense and then suddenly you changed it into present tense. Although you are talking about their daily activities, you do not need to change the past tense into present tense, please just stick into the past tense (if from the start you have used the past tense). Also, I found some run-on sentences and confusing sentences.
For example, “She knows it sounds ridiculous to others, but talking, no matter what subject it is have always caused her the most happiness”. At first, reader will surely be confused when they read this sentence. Let’s rephrase it into something like this, “She knew it sounded ridiculous to others, but say, whatever subject it was, it always caused her happiness.” From the previous one and the latter, which one is better?

Description & Emotions: 8/10
What I like the most from slice-of-life stories is that they portray emotions really well. You also have done that, by telling what Suzy felt at home and at school, for instance. But, it will be lot better if you try to dig more emotions within each main character. Myungsoo, for example. If you want to have him as someone who is a dreamer, he should have the imaginative thinking and a rather sensitive emotion. Try to do this, then your characterization will be a lot better.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
Nothing should be worried from your format. They’ve been good enough. But, I will appreciate it more if you try to make the font size a tad bigger.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
This is seriously because I really love this kind of story that’s why I really enjoyed reading your story. Even, I’m waiting for the next update. But, your grammar is such a bugger.

Total: 75/100 //B (+)
It’s only the first three chapters, so to improve your story, involvement of emotions is very very very needed in slice-of-life plus romance stories. This is like the basic thing, so try to develop them more, okay? :)

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