prediction of destiny by amn101



Criticism Level: 8
 

Title: 3/5
The title of the story is not the most creative nor eye-catching that I have seen.  However, it fits with the story nicely.

Description & Foreword: 5/10
Good and interesting description that doesn't reveal too much, but still keeps the readers on their toes.  However, the excerpt of the foreword should be posted as a prologue instead.  Foreword (if an author would like to write one at all) should give readers a glimpse of the author's thought regarding the story (how the idea came about, what motivates the author to decide writing it, and etc.).  As well, it is a place for acknowledgement (ie. graphic shop that created your poster, advertisement shops, and people you feel that you should thank with regards to this story, and etc.). 

Characters: 16/20
Sehun - he comes across as a street-smart and typical teenager.  I like your realistic portray of him as an independent high school boy (due to him being an orphan) because there is always a likeability about a typical teenager that people can connect with easily.  Though, I would like to bring your attention to this one particular part in Chapter Four:

[It was out of the normal things Sehun did.  Before, the thought of meddling in other people's business never crossed his mind. But why does he felt like the blonde male slowly changed him to someone who cares?
Oh Sehun only cared for money - to save his own .  Or he'll suffer living on the streets.  That's basic human survival.]

Yes, sure you have stated that it was out of the norm.  But still, this jumps at me as "Wow, hold it right there, isn't this suddenly going way too fast?"  Mainly and especially the bolded part.  Maybe you can alter it a bit to something along the following:

[Suddenly, Sehun felt pity for the man, an emotion he rarely felt.  
Oh Sehun only cared for money, blah blah blah...]

Luhan - he's a typical, spoiled, selfish, rich brat with an easy-going personality, quite blunt too.  Another likeable (and thank goodness, not a faultless) character in the story.  Though, you might want to develop his character more as the story continues, because he seems quite a fixed character so far (not much development).

Side characters:  Honestly, I don't really like the sides characters very much (except for Kim Jongin).  I kind of feel they are just there for fan service.  Particularly for Chapter Three, I find the dialogues, actions, and the friendships not very believable (I understand Baekhyun's love for Chanyeol, but I don't understand his friendship with Kyungsoo - as a human being, he has to dislike Kyungsoo somehow.  It didn't really show in your story).  I really can't connect with them...they don't seem a very smart bunch of teenage boys (no offense).

Overall, a great job on fleshing out Sehun, Luhan, and even Jongin's characters. 

Plot: 13/20
The idea of drawing out people's significant other is unique.  I like how this power is being used throughout the story and not merely just one of those ploys mentioned and forgotten.  Though, story-wise, it's quite predictable that Sehun is Luhan's soul mate and that's why Sehun can't see Luhan or his own significant other.  The rest of the story seemed to have a typical, but happier version (so far) of Romeo/Juliet with the marriage arrangement plot.  Though, have to admit that old plots can be reused and still be enjoyable.

Chapter Five & Chapter Eight again) makes me think if this story doesn't take place in Korea, but some open-minded nations perhaps.  It struck me as odd that they could talk about contract-marriage between two guys so freely, as if it was not one of the weirdest ideas in the country they live in.  Sure, I can give Luhan the benefit of a doubt for bringing the idea of marriage (because he could pull off the craziness like that with his character), but Sehun?  His mind was not completely blown, except for the fact that he would potentially be "engaged to a erted and contact obsessed male" as you have put it.  Also, the mother (of Luhan) is way too open-minded (especially with her high society status) to announce Sehun as the future in law.  Unless it's the norm of how things are done in that country, usually upper class society would have stricter standards especially when it comes to marriage partners.  In short, it's not very realistic.

Flow: 3/5
Consistent point of view throughout.  A couple of marks off because some events could have been more developed.  For example, Luhan's finding out about Sehun's origin.  I have to actually go back and read it a couple of times to see if I somehow missed a scene or two in between, but revealing Sehun's origin seemed too sudden (but unfortunately, the outcome of it didn't seem to be too effective either, because at the moment, it seemed as if it was something mentioned once & brushed aside).

Just want to bring your attention to, perhaps, a typo with regards to the timing in Chapter One:  At 2:15am, Sehun hoped that the time would turn 2:30am this instant, because his shift would end at that time.  However, soon afterwards, you wrote 5:22am, eight minutes to go.  This time thing took me away from the story for a moment.  It might be a minor thing, but sometimes these minor errors could distract readers from the story just because they felt as though their mind got messed up for a moment.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 0/15

Description & Emotions: 8/10
In general, it's good, but you may want to elaborate more on Luhan and some of the side characters' emotions and motivations.  Especially characters such as Chanyeol and Kyungsoo seemed a little vain.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The main poster you put on fits well with the story.  There is a sense of light and artistic mood to it.  The alternative poster, not so much; the poster is too messy.  However, no point deducted for showing the alternative poster since this is not the main poster.  Nice, readable fonts.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Surprisingly, I enjoy the story.  I enjoy the main characters' interaction and Sehun/Jongin's friendship so far (although, it seemed something more might happen to the friendship later on.)

Total: 62/80 (77.5%) //B (+)
You have a variety of vocabularies at your disposal. Also, the sentences are easily understood. The only flaws, again, are the mixed up tenses and plural/singular forms. If you get those fixed, then it would definitely not be crazy to say that you could become a great writer someday (not just fanfic writer, but one who could publish books). =]

Thanks for requesting and please don't forget to follow the rules.

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