10010 by fefedove



Criticism Level: 8-9

Title: 4/5
It’s a good & eye-catching story title, but unfortunately, it doesn’t relate to the story all that much.  After reading the story, I think the story would have been more fitting as “100” instead of “10010”.  Also, at first glance, it reminds me of binary (computer science) and I thought it’s some kind of spy story (but that’s just me though, and no, I didn’t take away any points for making me think of binary).

Description & Foreword: 8/10
Captivating description and it’s good that you pointed out the short piece of writing in the foreword as the prologue, otherwise I would have questioned if your understanding of what a foreword is supposed to be.  Love the prologue, totally reminded me of The Giver, but Suho seems kinder or more human-like.  Although you have done a great job on the description & foreword, like the title, these don’t really represent the actual story.  The story is more like Baekhyun’s short journey to come to a certain understanding about himself and those around him.

Characters: 14/20
Baekhyun – he is probably the most sane and human-like character in the entire story.  He is also the actual main character of the story.  I like how his character developed and matured without losing his initial sassiness.  You’re so right on with regards to this character that I have nothing else to say.  So good job! =]

Chanyeol – he somehow got shafted as a side character in the middle of the story.  He’s insanely naïve, but a good realistic naïve character – he’s just a cleaner, so he probably hasn’t seen half of the dirtiness that Baekhyun experienced, so it’s easier for him to stay positive and naïve.  However, I think your main problem is that you have focused too much on Baekhyun (well, Baek’s life is seemingly a lot more interesting) that you ended up neglecting Chanyeol’s character.  Just remember that he’s also a main character in your story, so you must have much to tell about his character and he must have a lot more to offer (whether that being his story or his interesting way of looking at things).  You could have developed his character more through his interactions with other characters (not necessarily Baekhyun), especially during Baekhyun’s absence.  How can he simply accept life as it is with such positive energy comparing with his friends and “co-worker” (the other cleaners)?  Try contrasting this oddball with others.  Did he have any dreams at all like Baekhyun, despite that he probably haven’t seen as much of the Elites’ life?  As it stands right now, it comes as no surprise to me that he’s attracted and fascinated with Baekhyun’s character, because there seems so much going on in the latter’s life (it’s like watching a glamourous TV show).  Just remember, he’s a main character too, so starting telling things from his perspective as well.  

Jongin – he is becoming my pet peeve character because he’s playing that lame, cupid role like I see so often in most stories.  Whenever a character does that, I can almost guarantee he/she has nothing really important to contribute except for being a lame plot device. He also cared about Chanyeol a lot, surprisingly, considering that he doesn’t see Chanyeol all too often.  I felt as though he thought Chanyeol is a lost puppy that needed a master to take care of, and the master being Baekhyun.  He’s a hate-able busybody – plot device.  However, I do like one thing about him – he made Baekhyun about what it meant to be human during the argument about moving in with Yixing.

Yixing – an innocent prince trapped in fairy tale delusions at first…Therefore, his reaction towards Baekhyun’s confession of how the society really works is unbelievably calm.  I have expected a lot more reaction than that.  For example, he might want some time to himself to sort out his feelings.  After all, his foundation of how the world works since birth is completely shattered by Baekhyun’s truth (it should have like when an adult tells a child that Satan Claus doesn’t exist).  I know he’s supposed to be this kind, accepting person, but his reaction is honestly not very human even for a wise guy.  Due his unhuman-like reaction, I felt as though he is a mere, disposable plot device to get the story going.  That’s not very respectful towards a character you created. 

Plot: 16/20
The Giver style of story, except the characters are more human-like (or more precisely, have more freedom to BE human).  This twist on the human-likeness of the characters makes the overall story unique.  It’s a short, philosophical (to some extent), mostly coming-of-age story that makes people think.  The plot is surprisingly simple and straight forward despite the background of the story.  It has that Dragonball Z factor (sorry about the weirdness of my example) – it’s a typical shounen manga that’s somehow captivating just for it’s simplistic structure.  One of the shortfalls is that you have focused so much on Baekhyun’s side that you forgot about Chanyeol (but I supposed you already knew that from your comment).  Another shortfall is that there’s not much of “big” or “dangerous” & “rebellious” moments as products from the characters’ actions.  But then again, your characters are too docile & accepting of the society in general (I know that’s how they’re educated, but there’s got to be at least one rebellious defect in their group), so I supposed it’s kind of hard to expect a revolution happening.  Readers would usually expect something big would happen eventually because it is a dystopia kind of story.  It kind of almost makes me angry to know that nothing would change for them (imagine how the world would be like if no one had fight for women’s rights and freedom of the African-Americans during the black slave history).  I don’t know, it just makes me sad.  However, overall, this seems more like a coming of age type of story.

Flow: 5/5
Flow is awesome.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 14/15
It’s well-written in general, nothing major comes to my attention. Though, I don’t really get the “ing” thing throughout your story.  At first, I just assume it’s just the unique writing style for this particular story (& especially since you seem to have a good command of the language).  However, after reading it a few times I still don’t get what purpose it serves in this story. 

[“ing uneducated scum.”] – (Chapter One) I can safely assume this is just the accent of the speaker, with the “ing” replacing “an”. However, what about this:

[And that was ing depressing.] – honestly, this “ing” kept appearing & I have no idea what to make of it. What’s worse is that it keeps taking me away from the story & back into reality for a brief while because I’ve felt as though I got mind-trolled by the “ing” without understanding the purpose it serves.

[“!” Baekhyun screeched.] – the exclamation mark isn’t necessary.  Or, if you prefer to make a bigger impact out of his screeching, then describe it.  The way it stands right now reminds me of some video games… This happens again in Chapter Six [“!!” He woke up gasping, spewing obscenities…]

Description & Emotions: 8/10
The description of the atmosphere is great.  I like how you connect readers with Baekhyun’s emotions and thoughts.  Not so much can be said about the rest of the characters.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
Love the poster, especially how Chanyeol’s eyes are covered while the full view of Baekhyun’s face is revealed – it fits with the idea of how Baekhyun has a name (not just a number) for himself, and that Chanyeol does not have a name yet.  Font-wise, I wish the font size is a little bit bigger for my poor eyesight.  However, the layout is clean and easy to follow overall.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
It’s a nice, short story.  Despite the obvious lack of attention on Chanyeol’s character, I still think it’s a good coming-of-age story that teenagers should read. 

Total: 83/100 // B (+) 
Apologies for the delay.   I know writers' struggle with the characters sometimes (I have my fair share even now @__@), so fighting!!  So feel free to let me if you stil need a second opinion with the characters. Thank you for requesting, please remember to follow all the rules. 

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