the prize ( previously called "the wave's captive") by ashleyfang and emzzibabii

Criticism Level: 10

Title: 4/5
The title is too common, although it is better than the previous title (The Wave's Captive) because it relates to the story more.  It's not a memorable title, but at least it is still attrative enough for potential readers to click on the link.

Description & Foreword: 3.5/10
Description made me cringe really bad.  Maybe it's the writing style, but it seems too silly and it's one of those descriptions that some readers wouldn't be able to take the story seriously.  You might want to tell it in a way that doesn't give the whole story away (ie. leave the Kris & the part out of it).  You know, keeping a bit of mysterious factor in it.  Another point of the description that I noticed is that the three paragraphs don't really go well with each others.  It seems it would be better to just keep the third paragraph and leave out the rest.  Otherwise, it would seems as if your idea for the story is all over the place.  Also, please watch out for the changing of tenses.  I'm okay with how you give a brief character description (not so detail to list out their age and stuff).

As for the forewords, it seems okay for the most part except that it certainly doesn't make readers wonder (think) about the story so much nor does it really provide a hook.

Characters: 10/20
Joonmyeon - He is a guy, right?  For some reasons, he didn't feel like a guy to me.  Instead, he seems like a sensitive girl.  You might want to talk to your guy friends (or find some) a little more in order to gain insight on how boys behave and think (even the homoual guys would give off a different vibe than Joonmyeon even if they're not "manly" stereotypically speaking...the way Joonmyeon is right now seems more like a girl in a boy's body or aka a transgender).  Other than the girly vibe that you would need to give serious consideration on fixing, Joonmyeon is still a rather plain character with not much defining personality traits.  

Luhan - A competitive and "seemingly" possessive guy who isn't doing much thus far.  Other than that, he doesn't have much other defining personality traits that set himself from the other characters much.  

Chanyeol - he seems rather heroic and thus, actually quite fitting to his bodyguard role.  Also, among the three main characters, he seems mature and act his age the most.

Krystal - It's hard to sympathize with her character since she doesn't seem to like her age.  She seems more like an elementary school kid.  It's quite unfortunate, because she is one of the few female characters in this story.

Plot: 8/20
Even though, I don't totally see this kind of story plot too much, but the vibe is nonetheless still very familiar and pretty much the same as most stories that I can find on AFF.  By vibe, I mean stuff like an obvious triangle love on the way (ie. Chanyeol is really there to make Luhan jealous from time to time and make the latter's desire for Joomyeon even stronger as the story progresses) and the bet thing.

However, a plot with a common vibe should not be your biggest worry (because even the most clichest of plots can still be fun to read if it's well-written, not talking about grammar-wise).  The biggest obstacle that you should tackle the most is your patience as a writer; there are some scenes throughout the story that would have added more complex layers and made the story more interesting if you have taken the time to develop it.  For example, Joomyeon's internal feelings and potential struggles with regards to the thought of having to see Kris at school (Chapter Two) should be explored more.  As with things stand right now, it almost seems that Joomyeon just saying (or thinking) things that can be easily forgotten or be threw in the back of his mind and disappeared soon after.  

In addition, I believe there would be less of the filter-chapters feeling throughout this story if you can develop some scenes a little bit more.

Another thing that kept distracting me throughout the story is the awkward dialogues.  For example, ["I'm Luhan hyung, if you remember my name."] --Chapter Six.  This is such a narcissistic and extreme arrogant way of introducing one's self, and I don't believe Luhan in this story is supposed to be that kind of character.  

Here's another example:

[The Chinese guy took him to a cafe.  "Thank you so much for that day." said Joonmyeon and the other chuckled.  "No need for that.  Is that place okay?"  Joonmyeon nodded.  "Hyung, the designs are really beautiful.  Did you know who design it?"

Luhan laughed and Joonmyeon felt weird.  "Actually, the shopping mall was designed by my brother, Henry Lu."  Suddenly, Joonmyeon shouted.  "Omo, jinja! He's the best architech ever!  I always love his designs."

"By the way, Joon...how did you know I'm an architect?" the elder asked.....] 

With regards the above, instead of wondering like Luhan how Joonmyeon knew the former was an architect, I was wondering why did Luan suddenly asked that when Joonmyeon did make any explicit nor implicit mention of it.  I believe you're missing some lines in between.

Finally, I really don't see a whole lot happening in this story although it's aready on the eleventh chapter plus the prologue.  It seems this story is created on a total whim and nothing has really been planned.

Flow: 3/5
Too much filter chapters.  Meanwhile, scenes that should have been explored a little bit more aren't being explored.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
Problems with tense switching throughout the story. I assume this story is supposed to be in past tense, so please stick with that.  Just a few examples:

[...Luhan sighed as he looks back at the younger] -- Prologue, should be looked.  

[...He waves his hand and left.] -- Chapter One, should be waved.

[....Chanyeol stares at the young master as he knew that he's in trouble now.] -- Chapter Two.  Again, the bolded parts should be in past tense.  Also, this sentence is not very clear.

Another recurring problem throughout the story is not knowing when to start a new paragraph.  For example,

[Joomyeon is studying in the library when someone suddenly covers his eyes.  "I knew it's you, Kris." He smiled.  Kris sat beside him while looking around at the library.  "What are you doing here?" asked the Chinese guy.  Joonmyeon smiles back.  "I'm studying additional maths.  You know that I've always loved that subject, right?" Kris nodded.]  -- Chapter One.  You should have break this whole thing down whenever a new paragraph should start (ie. when a different character is talking, when it's a new idea, etc.) Of course, should have kept everything in one tense.This whole thing should have been written as follows:

[Joomyeon was studying in the library when someone suddenly covered his eyes.  "I knew it's you, Kris." He smiled.

Kris sat besides him while looking around at the library.  "What are you doing here?" asked the Chinese guy.

Joonmyeon smiled back.  "I'm studying additional math.  You know that I've always loved that subject, right?"

Kris nodded.]  --> Meanwhile, the bolded parts are the dialogue that I found awkward.  I'm not sure about other readers, but I certainly cringed a lot.  For the first bolded part, maybe try to reword it.  For the second bolded part, maybe it's best if you can just get rid of it.

Description & Emotions: 6/10
Writer should explore more with her characters' emotions through each scene, especially the most important scenes throughout the story.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
Neat layout.  Nice, readable fonts.  The poster could be better.  I thought Joonmyeon was a dirt, poor thief because of the poster.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
I was totally irked by the description of the story (and unfortunately affects my overall impression of the story, even though I tried to remain impartial).  It's going to sound mean, but I didn't feel this story should deserve this much upvotes.  The upvotes are probably not obtained by the story's own merits; readers probably upvoted in order to motivate you to update the story so that they can read what will happen next in the story rather than that this is a fantastically awesome story.

Total: 54.5/100 /C (-) 
First, I apologize for the delay.  Second, I apologzie for the mean-sounding tone throughout this review (as I mentioned earlier, I really tried to keep it impartial).  However, I do want to make sure that this review is as honest and straight-forward as much so that you can really see your own flaws and then improve as a writer.

Meanwhile, please remember to follow all the rules.

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