man in the portrait by yifannie



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 5/5
Title is original and sums up the story in a whole. It gives the readers a rough idea of the plot without revealing too much information. The title also piques the curiosity of the readers and hook them in. All in all, it is a really fitting title.

Description & Foreword: 9/10
Relevant enough. The decsription is a bit bland although it is slightly alluring due to how it is phrased. You can consider adding a sentence or a question at the end of the description. The scene for the foreword is well-selected; it starts and ends at the right place.

Characters: 15/20
All the characters are very interesting, but so far, the character that stands out to me most is Chanyeol.
Chanyeol is a man in the portrait, but he is unlike the men in other portraits in the sense that he possesses human-like characteristics. He can feel, see and think. However, he is still vastly different from a human because he cannot move or talk. I am interested to see how you will develop Chanyeol as a character and how you are going to give him his own unique personality. It is still early to judge but so far so good; the emotions are vividly described and his dilemma is well presented.
I cannot give a proper judgment for Baekhyun yet since he only officially appeared in Chapter Two (as an adult). Since this is romance, I guess these two would develop a relationship later on. In my opinion, a day isn't enough to let the two know and love each other; the minimum is two weeks, and sometimes, a couple who have known each other for years may still fall out in the end. Perhaps Chanyeol may really fall in love with him (considering that he was there with Baekhyun when he was a baby, though I personally feel that it is more of the brotherly kind of love), but what about Baekhyun? Do think about how you want their relationship to develop in this short period of time and take things slowly (not too slow of course, but I think most writers have the tendency to move fast rather than slow).
Kai is a mysterious yet intriguing character. I wonder about his intentions to help Chanyeol and his identity in general, but I suppose time will tell. I like Baekhyun's father for a side character and I was quite shocked when he commits suicide later in the story. In a way, the whole depression issue kinda adds depth into his character. Overall, a job well done for the characterization.

Plot: 14/20
The plot is pretty original; I've never seen such a plot before. I do have a feeling that it has something to do with forbidden love (a supposingly non-human loving a human) but hopefully that's not all to the conflict since there are many things you can do with this kind of premise. As a reader, I am curious about the dreams that Chanyeol appeared in. How did Mr. Byun and the artist in the prologue dream of Chanyeol? Another thing I am curious about is about Kai wanting Chanyeol's soul. When I read the scene, I keep on wondering if Kai is a soul reaper.
The way the story is presented is interesting because the readers, as humans, get to see and know the point-of-view of someone in a portrait. Something simple as feeling emotions serves as an important part in his life. Do think about the message you want to convey through your story and also the relatability of Chanyeol and your readers since 99% of the time, the readers may not be able to fully understand Chanyeol's feelings. Is the story centered around the lives of humans in general? (Since in Chapter Two, Chanyeol finds that lives of humans may not be as perfect as he thought.)

Flow: 5/5
The story is relatively consistent and all the scenes flow well. POV is always in third-person.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
There are occasional grammatical errors; nothing too major. Mistakes found are usually just slips here and there.
"Half of the room was filled with white canvases which were laid against the wall and dozens of painting brushes scattered on the floor too to add up the chaos in the room." - If you read the sentence aloud, it sounds slightly odd. The sentence is also quite long, so I'd advice you to split all the long sentences you write into two separate sentences (if possible) so you can identify odd sentence structures more easily. "Half of the room was filled with white canvases that laid against the wall. Dozens of painting brushes were also scattered on the floor, adding up to the chaos in the room."
"The young boy right here, I think he was trying to tell me something last night." - The front part is not necessary. Just replace 'he' with 'the young boy right here'. "I think the young boy right here was trying to tell me something last night."
"...he managed to let out a relief sigh..." - I believe you mean 'sigh of relief'.
"...as if he were a human..." - Since 'he' is singular, 'were' should be 'was'.
Sentence structure is varied and there is a wide variety of words being used, resulting in little repetition. 

Description & Emotions: 9/10
Actions and facial expressions are described in detail. It would be better if you can use all five senses, but considering that Chanyeol is a man in a portrait in Chapter One, the choices are a bit limited. I don't have much to complain, though I do suggest you to 'show off' your creative flair for words occasionally. That may not only impress your readers, but also help to form better images in their minds. (e.g. A small chuckle escaped the man's lips, jumbling his mind up like a jigsaw puzzle.)

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
Neat and tidy. Font size is too small for my preference but doesn't affect readability. Poster properly conveys the genre angst and is also relevant to the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
A very intriguing story! I am looking forward to see how it all plays out.

Total: 84/100 //B (+) 
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