pain in the fate by leonny



Criticism Level: 7

Title: 4/5
Pain in the fate. Somehow, if you only read it at a glance without paying attention at the genre, you’ll think it’s a sad or angst story, right? On the other hand, it gives a very deep meaning towards what your are going to tell your readers. It is like depicting whether actually there’s always pain in everyone’s life.

Description & Foreword: 7/10
Your description, frankly speaking, is somewhat intriguing. Relating it with your title, it does give your readers a feeling that they should read for it deals with everyday’s life. But somehow, your description talks about hurt and damage in which you haven’t really touch that matter a lot in the first three chapters, so hopefully you’ll reveal those feelings later on, on the next chapters ahead, because somehow it seems kind of a bit irrelevant for me, although there’s some hints on it.

Characters: 18/20
I’ve got no doubt in your portraying your characters since as you said this story relays on your own and your friends’ lives. My concern is only, at first I thought this will be only about two or three persons’ stories, but on the third chapter you introduced some other stories about other people. This will be related with the plot and the flow as how I’ll tell you later.

Plot: 18/20
If this is a slice-of-life story which you pick originally from people’s life, definitely this is a realistic story. And because it hasn’t finished yet, I don’t know whether this will be shocking in the end or not, but somehow up until now your story has created a sense of reality in which people will be engaged because they can also relate the things you write to their own lives.

Flow: 3/5
As I said before, because you write more than one story, you really have to have the biggest concern here. Since the story comes from many different problems, certainly they will lead into different matters as well. Be careful so that your story won’t be too overwhelmed. Although a slice-of-life story, but if the story is too broad and does not focus only on a matter, it will not only make you yourself being overwhelmed to write it, but your reader will also have some difficulty in following your story. But, if I may give you a suggestion, make sure you have a red line for those different stories so that they will still connect to each other and will not be too broad.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
For this section, I might be a bit harsh. The thing is, you have too many sentences that do not run well. Many times, I have difficulties in understanding what you are going to say. For example, I'm still without understand why he can't just forget his past. The word ‘understand’ is a verb, in which it needs to do auxiliary instead of to be. So, it should be, I still don’t understand why he just can’t forget his past. The thing about writing a slice-of-life story is that you don’t have to always play with words. Some authors though, they use some beautiful and extra-ordinary words to express more feeling to their slice-of-life stories. However, it’s not a must. Simple sentences will depict feelings more rather than complicated sentences because somehow there are also some readers that could not understand complicated sentences well.

Description & Emotions: 9/10
You are very descriptive in depicting emotions and thinkings. I like the way you write your story because it’s different. You try to make reader become one with the characters’ minds and that’s a good way in intriguing readers.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 8/10
The layout is simple and nice, but somehow I do think that your font size is too small. Since you have many long paragraphs, it’s better to make it bigger because I’m afraid your readers will have difficulty in reading it since the font size is rather too small.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I don’t know, because I really love slice-of-life stories, I enjoyed reading your story. I like to match your characters’ story with my own and it’s nice to have someone else having the same experience as us. Though, as I said before I have a little difficulty in understanding your run-on sentences, but it does not really matter, though.

Total: 81/100 //B (+) 
You already have your own unique way to tell others about your slice-of-life story and keep up with the work!

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