infatuation by affybear



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3.5/5
It's a fitting title for a /romance story.  However, it's definitely an overused title and definitely can be confused with other stories with similar titles.  Nonetheless, it is still attention grabbing. 

Description & Foreword: 7/10
Author mentioned that this is a one-shot story, but I don't get how this is a one-shot story when there are several chapters.  It seems like an on-going story to me.  If you have changed your mind about the status of the story, please always make sure to update in the foreword of the story, or else you would confuse readers.  Otherwise, the foreword is okay.  Okay, on to the description - it's a cliche that I have seen time and time again.  It really doesn' t set apart from other best friend ambiguous relationship stories on AFF.  Of course, the description would still attract those readers who look for Jackson/Mark and  specifically. 

Characters: 9/20
I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but throughout the entire story, I thought none of the boys were acting like their age.  They sound like a bunch of dimwitted and teenage boys.  I can't even see any distinctiveness between the characters.  The dialogues between the two were terrible as well.  I suggest going back to the story and rewrite the characters a little bit more properly this time, starting with the dialogues.

Plot: 9/20
 I felt as though I'm reading someone's first ever fanfic in life thus far.  It's literally a tribute compliation of cliches.  Generally, I'm okay with cliches as long as they are being well employed in the story (since there's a reason why it's called cliche - it's overused because it still sells...the more elegant term should be "classic").  Unfortunately, it's not the case here.  It seems it's just something on a spur of moment and not much of interesting development going on aside from the steamy scenes.  Though, the realism is there somewhat with Mark coming to terms with his uality.

Flow: 5/5
The pace is okay so far.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 15/15
[BamBam, Jinyoung, and Youngjae went to the couch and instantly the TV while JB Yugyeom were babbling to each other.] Chapter One. A bit of run-on sentence here.  Should try to separate this into two sentences to make the whole impression neater.

Otherwise, nothing major came to my attention, maybe just a few typos here or there.  The sentence structure and vocabularies used are simple. 

Description & Emotions: 6/10
The scenes were written decently.  Actually, that's the only thing decent with this entire story.  A couple of things you should focus on so that you can improve as a writer: 1) Convey emotions and struggles of the characters better (especially Mark who is supposed to struggle with coming to the term that he is gay and in love with Jackson); 2)Do some more showing than telling with the characters' emotions. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 6/10
The font are crazily all over the place from chapter to chapter.  It makes the entire story look messy.  Try to stick with one type of font and size.  If things stay the way they are now, then some readers might just assume you're an extremely bad writer in terms of grammar even though you are surprisingly decent with the grammar (though, the sentences are simple).  Also, the poster is strangely random.  It's literally just two pictures slapped on distastefully and disconnect from the story itself.  Not enough infatuation is expressed through the hand holding as presented in the poster.  This is a story, so I expect something that gives off the mysterious, longing, and lustful atmosphere.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Not enough character development....a parody of cliches.  

Total: 62.5/100 //C (=) 
Final mention: from the title, the description, and taste in the story poster, I can almost guarantee that I know how old you are.  To be honest, I never think it's to a writer's advantage if someone can guess your age based solely on the aforementioned aspects.  For a moment there, I actually thought you were trolling us with this request (no offence). 

Sorry for the delay!  Thank you for requesting and please don't forget to follow the rules! ^^

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