remember me? by dinithij



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 2/5
Remember Me, on its own, is a pretty common title but I think the additional question mark brings out another meaning to the two words. Nevertheless, it still doesn't really stand out from the crowd and thus, it can be unmemorable even though it's easy to remember. Looking at the title, there are questions that I had asked before going into the story itself (is this story about long lost childhood friends or someone with amnesia forgetting about somebody else?). Relevancy-wise, I'm a bit iffy because the whole story is the process of Chanyeol finding who Baekhyun is, but you see, Baekhyun isn't alive to ask this question. The whole concept doesn't trail too far away, but it can be confusing for some people. (Note: There's no need to add a space in between 'Me' and the question mark).

Description & Foreword: 9/10
Ah, your description is definitely, what I would call, a classic angst description. Not that it's a bad thing, though! I like the quote at the end of the description and how it is formatted in general. I think the beginning can be a bit more suspenseful, however. For instance:
"Somewhere inside him, he hears someone calling him, "Channie!"
Day and night, he struggles to find a clue.
"Baekhyun!"
He can't remember a thing, but he wants to. He has to...
...because his ray of hope in life is with Baekhyun.
Yet... he is nowhere to be found."
The rearranging of the sentences help set the overall mood better. However, the description that you have right now does a good job in hooking the readers to the story.
I don't see any problems relevancy-wise; the description is also concise and doesn't leak out too much information. 

Characters: 12/20
Chanyeol is a person that has lost his memory, that is feeling confused and distant from the real world. I like how hard Chanyeol tries hard to find his memory even when the others are pretty firm on not telling him, though I find the whole part about him meeting Luhan and Sehun a bit too unbelievable. Since the story is quite short, I don't see much development in his character. However, I think Baekhyun's death has impacted him in some extent.
Unfortunately, I can't say much about the other characters considering that there's little information about them, but I can see that Baekhyun is fixed on his own way of thinking which is pretty admirable. 

Plot: 11/20
The plot is quite straightforward. It's simply about a boy suffering from memory loss, and he tries to seek the memories of him and his best friend back. While the idea of a boy losing his memory isn't anything new, I think this story does portray the feelings of someone who would suffer from memory loss which would be the feeling of feeling lost and confused about his/her identity. Who is Chanyeol? Who are his parents? Who is the boy that keeps on appearing his dreams? I think these questions must have occured in Chanyeol's mind, and when he steps into the house that his parents brought him, he probably finds the house foreign and doesn't think that he belongs there. Despite all that, I think you've placed a bit too much emphasis on Chanyeol trying to find out who Baekhyun is, and in turn, the emotional effect is lost. 
I like the ending even though it did went by a bit too fast. Nevertheless, Chanyeol's message to Baekhyun is really touching (How I wish there are friends like these in real life...).
One part I've taken notice about is when Baekhyun tells Chanyeol his mother told him to be a doctor in future, while Chanyeol says that his mother told him to be who he likes to be, and afterwards when Baekhyun tells Chanyeol that he wants to be a singer. I think it really shows the expectations Baekhyun's mother has on her son which his son dislikes. It would be great if there is more expansion or details on that addition of Baekhyun's past, though, just so we can see how Baekhyun is like.
As mentioned, the whole part about Chanyeol leaving house to him meeting Luhan and Sehun is pretty unbelievable. I mean, the whole meeting is way too coincidental, isn't it? I also wonder how Sehun and Kai have known about Baekhyun's death but doesn't seem to know about Chanyeol's memory loss. I mean, if they did, they would've visited him, yes? All in all, some parts are slightly unbelievable so maybe it'd be better if you stick with a safer pathway (for instance, Sehun and Kai visit Chanyeol in the hospital and Chanyeol attempts to get answers from them/his parents).

Flow: 4/5
The flow is all right, but the ending comes somewhat rushed. The POV stays consistent in first POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
There are many noticable mistakes; your main problem is sentence structures (you have the tendency to start a sentence with 'and' or 'but'; do refrain that since they should be used as sentence connectors). You also miss out commas at the end of dialogue.
Something I am quite confused is the tense of the story since the foreword is in present while the majority of the story is in past. For now, I'll just assume that it is past, but do remember to keep the tense consistent throughout your story.
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
Foreword: "Day and night looking for a clue." - This is a fragment and isn't a completed sentence by itself. It would be better if you write it as "Day and night, he looked for a clue." or "He looked for a clue day and night."
Chapter One: "Sometimes, in life, you have to go through a lot of pain and hurt just to know that you are alive." - This is a run-on sentence. If you read the sentence aloud, it does seem a bit lengthy, doesn't it? That's because you're missing commas in some places, which give appropriate pauses if you are to actually read the sentence aloud. Therefore, the correct version would be: "Sometimes, in life, you have to go through a lot of pain and hurt just to know that you are alive."
You can also consider rephrasing some sentences in a way that will put more emphaiss on the emotions. For instance, "But he gained no memory at all." can become "However, he gained no memory at all."
Your sentence structures are varied and I don't see many repetitive words so good job on that! The simple words used fit the style of the story, making it easy for the readers to digest the contents of the story.

Description & Emotions: 8/10
There certainly is effort put in in this section just based on the first paragraph itself. However, for some reason, I find the way the details of the story are being described quite stiff, meaning that it seems more like 'telling' rather than 'showing'. For instance, "And beside him was a small wooden bedside table with a flower vase on the top of it and also a chair beside him." You can, instead, type "A small wooden bedside table with a flower vase on top of it, along with a chair, entered his sight of vision. The chair laid beside him lethargically, as if it had been moved around for hours." The second sentence can hint that his parents have been taking turns to sit on the chair, waiting for him to wake up. (It's a somewhat lame example but hopefully the example makes sense of what I'm trying to say). 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The formatting is simple but extremely neat. The words are also readable. About the poster, I personally feel that the background is a good selection.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I've actually enjoyed this short story (because there's much friendship) but it would be better if the emotions are better conveyed (especially at the ending which is supposed to be the tearjerker moment of the story).

Total: 68/100 //C (=) 
I apologize for the suuuper long wait (I admit I've been pretty lazy these days) but anyway, I hope this review has provided you some insights! Keep improving :) Thanks for requesting and do not forget to follow the rules!

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