THAT MORNING-MARK’S POV

Looking around I could tell right away that this was the last place I wanted to find myself. I couldn’t believe I was even here…there couldn’t be something so serious that I should be here right? I sighed deeply slouching back into the uncomfortable chair as I twiddled my thumbs waiting the unbearable wait.

“Excuse me…oppa.” I jumped startled by the soft voice. I looked down where there was a tiny child standing in front of me. She had a knit cap on her head covering her head completely so there was no way to tell what color her hair was, or even if she had any hair. She was tiny and looked very frail but there was a bright gleam in her eyes.

“Nae? Me?” I asked not sure she had the right person. She nodded adamantly and tapped the chair beside me before holding her arms out wide. I looked at her confused and she rolled her eyes cutely.

“Pick me up and put me in the chair.” She said like it was completely obvious. My mouth circled in an Oh gesture and I nodded moving quickly. I grabbed her under her arms and lifted expecting her to be heavier, more solid but she was as light as a feather. I looked at her sadly as I sat her down in the chair. She must be really sick. “Komawo.” She said properly like a little princess.

“No problem.” I said giving her a little smile.

“Oppa…are you here alone?” she asked when I sat back down beside her. I nodded as her answer. “Do you know what’s wrong?”

“Anni, I’m not sure why they called me in but I don’t think there is anything wrong…I’m a healthy boy.” I said flexing my arm making her giggle.

“I’m in here because I have terminal cancer.” She said matter of factly. I looked at her shocked. How long must she have had it to talk about it so naturally. She reached up suddenly yanking the knit cap from her head exposing a shiny head void of any hair. “Cool right, I make mommy shave it so it’s all even.” She said grinning.

“Yea…daebak.” I said my voice shaking a little. She grinned siding her cap back on. “Gwenchana?” I asked not able to help myself. she looked down at her tiny little  hands before she looked back up to me and gave me an optimistic smile.

“Anni, but I will be.” she said showing her misun tooth smile. “Mommy say’s I’m a strong girl too.” She said mimicking my movement with her arm giving it a little flex. There looked to be no muscles. I grinned and reached out giving it a light pinch.

“Omo…you have so many muscles…I think you could beat me up.” I said giving a little frightened shiver. She giggled happily at this.

“Mark Tuan?” I looked up to see a nurse standing there with a clipboard in her hand.

“Yes, that’s me.” I said standing up.

“Ok, the doctor will see you now.” she said gesturing for me to follow. I took a step when I felt a tiny hand in mine.

“Oppa, would you like me to come with you for support? I always have someone with me when I see the doctor…it helps.” She said giving me a strong look.

“Won’t your mom be worried?” I asked looking around for a worried mother.

“Anni, mommy is in the country…she comes up on weekends.” I looked at the girl finding myself growing exceedingly sad when the longer I speak to her, but she was cute and I think she was right, I did want someone with me.

“Then…would you please come with me to the doctor…I’m a little afraid.” I said honestly. She grinned squeezing my hand.

“I’d be glad to.” She said happily. “I’ll show you the way…I know it well.” she said and started leading me down the hall’s not letting go of my hand until we reached the doctor’s office. I reached out to knock on the door but before I could the little girl pushed open the door and barged in. I looked after the girl in shock as she ran up to the doctor tugging on his coat. Imagine my surprise when the doctor turned around and grinned when he saw who it was. He plucked the girl up into his arms and started playing with her.

“Chaeren, what are you doing out of your room hmmm, don’t you have to rest today after being sick yesterday.” He said kindly but there was an undertone of scolding there but it was gentle.

“Nae, I was resting when I saw oppa…he looked really distressed and was all alone.” She said pointing to me. The doctor looked up to me for the first time and I gave him a deep bow.

“Annyeongahseyo.” I said respectfully.

“Oh, Mark right.” the doctor said reaching out with his free hand that wasn’t holding Chaeren up. I accepted it shaking it firmly. “Please come in and have a seat.” he moved so I could take the seat in front of his desk. “Chaeren you go run along now, go and rest, your ahjusshi has some doctor patient matters to discuss with this oppa.” He said gently ushering her towards the door. She dodged around him quickly and moved plopping into the chair beside me.

“Oppa said he would like company…he’s afraid.” She said boldly. I looked between her and the doctor not sure what to do.

“Is that so?” he said smirking. “Arrasso, you can stay for now if he says so.” He said nodding and moved around to sit in his chair. “But mark, you might want to send her out shortly.” I nodded taking into consideration what the doctor said as my nerves skyrocketed. Why was he being so serious.

“Doctor…can I ask…is there something wrong with the X-ray’s…I thought it was just a normal pull of the muscles in my sides…that I landed in a trick wrong or something.” I said nervously. The doctor crossed his fingers sighing deeply as he looked at me evenly.

“Originally mark, that is what we believed. It seemed routine, the symptoms and everything pointed straight to sprain, we only took the X-rays as protocol.” He looked between me and Chaeren. “Mark…you should send her out now.” he said nodding. I sighed looking down at my knotted fingers. They were turning white with fear. I looked back up to the doctor to say something when I felt a tiny hand rest on top of mine. I looked down to see Chaeren giving my hand an encouraging pat.

“Fighting.” She said before sliding from the chair. “It was nice meeting you mark oppa.” She said and gave me a tiny wave before skipping out of the room humming cutely. When the door shut I turned back to the doctor.

“Can I ask…how she is?” I said forgetting momentarily why I was actually here. The doctor sighed shaking his head.

“She is a trooper. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do for her anymore other than make her comfortable for her remaining time. We keep hope that her young body will fight it off enough for chemo to work but as of now…she is just waiting for the end now.” I bit my lip looking down at my hands again. they had relaxed slightly from chaeren’s encouragement. I felt really stupid and petty worrying about what the doctor was going to tell me. Nothing could be as bad as Chaeren…she was still so long and she was living out the rest of her life just waiting for the end…that had to be horrible. 

“Arrasso doc, I’m ready…just tell me what’s wrong.” I said taking a deep breathe stealing myself for the news.

“Mark…I’m afraid nerves in your side have been pinched between these bones here.” he said pointing to my X-ray. “the only way to remove them is to go through surgery.” My throat clenched as I listened to him.

“Ok…then…let’s go through with the surgery.” I said trying to sound certain.

“Mark, we can go through with it…but first you’ll have to rest it for at least a month or you can risk severing the nerves…you said they were giving you pain right?” I nodded fidgeting in my seat. “So that means no tricking…at all.” I nodded. “Also.” He said with a sound of regret. “Even with the surgery…we aren’t sure how damaged your nerves are already, you could forever have a slight pain from this…also…” i bit my lip listening to him. “There could be a chance that you won’t be able to perform ever again.” I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe..

“I…” I couldn’t even form words. I slouched forward running my hands through my hair as I stared wide eyed at the floor.

“I’ll give you a moment. I’ll be back with some literature on how to proceed.” He said giving me a pat on my shoulder before he slid from the office. I felt tears well up then spill over before falling to the floor in even streams as I shook with sobs. I slapped a hang to my mouth trying to hold them it, it wasn’t for a man to cry, I tried thinking of chaeren’s situation and how it could be so much worse but that just made me cry even harder. The only thing I could think of that took some of the despair away was kairen’s face. Before I knew what I was doing I was out of the chair and the doctor’s office making my way fast to the exit. I burst through the doors gasping the fresh air into my lungs feeling like I couldn’t breathe but it didn’t help. Everything was spinning; everything seemed to be crashing around me. I took off running without even thinking of where I was going, I just ran. i turned a corner and ran into the park slowing my pace as my breathing became more rapid.

“ARGHHHHH!” I yelled loudly with all my force. I doubled over yelling again as I clutched at chest. Why couldn’t I breathe? I took off running again ignoring the stares I was receiving.  I wound up outside of kairen’s house across the street leaning on the fence. I was breathing heavily as I stared at her house…hoping that I’ll get just a glimpse of her when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. wiping at the tears on my face I pulled it opening the text message.

Hyung where are you? Kairen is on her way here remembering? Hurry up!-bambam.  I looked up towards her house again shocked. I had forgotten we were supposed to show her our song…but I wasn’t supposed to dance. Suddenly the front door to her house opened and she slipped out. Startled I jumped into the bushes not wanting to get caught lurking around her house. I peeked over the bushes to see her…she looked prettier than ever in her cute blue dress. I felt my breathing slowing a little but I still felt suffocated. When she was far enough away I jumped out from the bushes and started walking behind her slowly. I wouldn’t go to her, she was still probably embarrassed about last night…all I wanted was to see her…just watching her like this was good enough. She looked beautiful in the sun…in that dress. Sighing I leaned against a wall as I watched her stop and talk to someone on the street. she laughed making my heart leap a little. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket again and I knew it was time to stop stalking kairen and hurry to the hangout.

After the performance my side was aching painfully, almost unbearable. I clutched at it until I heard kairen sob. I looked up shocked to see everyone staring at her not knowing what to do in this situation. They just tried to console her then hurried off to grab everything to try and cheer her up. I followed after them and made it half way up the stairs when I heard her sob again. I looked back down not knowing what I should do and just decided to go back down to her. It couldn’t hurt anything…I hope. I saw her doubled over her face buried in her hands as she cried. It hurt me to see her like that…with everything happening to me I couldn’t think of anything other than kairen in this moment. I crouched down placing a hand on her shoulder and she looked up to me shocked.

“Kairen-“ her face cringed as she shook her head.

“Don’t, I don’t want to hear anything about it.” she said looking away from me.

“Mian…” was all I could say. I sat there not knowing what to do, I knew what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t do it…could i? Finally I just gave into what I wanted, we were alone here and I went through a lot today…I deserved at least this…for at least a moment. I moved suddenly taking her by surprise as I wrapped my arms around her. It was like a gust of wind hit me right in the lungs as I suddenly felt I could breathe. Overwhelmed by it I stood up pulling her with me so I could hold her closer as everything from the doctor’s appointment finally hit me full force. I felt tears in my eyes and I quickly buried my face into her shoulder by her neck hoping to hide the tears.

“Mark…” she said her voice shaking slightly. all I could do was shake my head. there was a moment of silence before I felt her hug me back and it was like a sudden relief. 

“Ehherm.” I jumped away from kairen like she was on fire wiping at the tears on my face hurriedly. I turned to see miyavi standing there looking awkwardly at us and I suddenly felt guilty and angry all at the same time.

“Oh…I have to go help the guys…” I said not wanting to be here anymore. I hurried up the stairs leaving to two alone.