You entered the bedroom knowing that he was inside and probably didn’t want to see you.

You avoided visiting Jinki at the hospital for the last week because he sent away most of your mutual friends. However it wasn’t as if you could postpone it much longer.

Jinki was at the bed, wearing a black pajama, the covers over his legs. He was looking at the window and you hesitated at the door admiring his profile.

He wasn’t only one of your best friends. He was also the man you loved almost all your life.

He heard you enter the bedroom and looked in your direction, his dark wet eyes settling on your presence.

“Hi!” You greeted with a weak voice, swallowing the pain and the desire to run to him and hug him.

“What are you doing here?” He asked with a husky voice.

Your eyes moved to the tray with food untouched on the bedside table. “You didn’t eat yet?”

“What are you doing here?” He repeated the question and you walked closer to the bed.

“I missed you. I came to see you!”

“Why? To pity me like the others? “

The anger on his voice was touchable but you weren’t going to back away now. It wasn’t directed at you and you knew it. Besides everyone counted on you to help him! Not only because you knew him for long but also because he was always really sweet and gentle to you.

You had a special connection and everyone could see that.

“You didn’t visit me at the hospital before.” He added not giving you time to answer to his previous accusation.

“I did! You were sleeping!”

“Better sleep forever…” He mumbled under his breath and you grabbed his hand hurt with what he said.

Your friends warned you about that, about his anger, about his comments about death; about how his current girlfriend left him after the accident.

He pulled his hand away, his eyes sparkling with anger “DO NOT TOUCH ME!”

You flinched and he his lips “I don’t require attention from anyone!” He rubbed his temple “I don’t deserve it.”

“You do!” You said stubbornly grabbing his hand again.

“STOP THAT!”

“YA YOU STOP THAT!” You screamed back at him making him widen his eyes surprised.

Yes you were always arguing with most of your friends but you never ever screamed with him.

“Stop blaming yourself, stop saying things as if your life isn’t precious!” You begged biting your lower lip so you wouldn’t cry.

“I should have died in that car accident! I should have!” Jinki said firmly, tears on his eyes “Then I wouldn’t be this useless person!”

“You are not useless! You can recover. The doctor said that there is 60% of chances of you recovering. I believe you can!”

“What if I don’t?” He asked with a tiny voice, a tear falling from his eye.

“Then I still will love you the same. We all will.”

Your words made him pale and he softly took his hand off from your hold again. He knew you had feelings for him. You didn’t need to tell him because he could see it in the way you looked at him, how you would avoid him when he had someone in his life. “I’m not a complete man anymore! I can’t walk! I can’t!”

“To me you are still the best!” You confessed, blushing a little. He frowned at your words and pushed the covers so you could see his legs.

“I can’t move them….see?!”

You placed your hand on his thigh and he swallowed nervously.

“Can you feel it?”

“Yes…”

“The doctor said that that was a good sign, that with time and therapy you would be able to walk. You need to believe in that. You need to work hard.”

He didn’t answer,  his dead eyes on his now dead legs.

“Please don’t say that you should have died. It breaks my heart!”

He looked up at you. “Can you please leave and never come back?”

“What?” You were surprised with his request.

“The person I am right now can’t be with anyone. Even my girlfriend knew it and left me,  I’m a burden and…”

You tilted your head near tears.

“…And I know that I’m not only a friend to you.”

You blushed with his comment. That was the first time he implied that you had deeper feelings for him. Nothing ever happened between you two and yet you knew you were special to him.

 “Jinki…I...”

“Can you? Leave?” his pouty red lips and teary eyes broke your heart but you couldn’t do that.

“Never!”

“Hey…listen to me!”

You ignored his plea and leaned forward kissing him.

He kissed you back and as softly as it started your kiss ended.

It tasted salty for both your tears and yet it was the best kiss you ever had.

“I can’t love you.” He said softly breaking your heart. It was ok, you could love for both. You weren’t like his ex that disappeared as soon as she find out about him being disabled.

“It’s ok. I’m not going to leave you or give up on you. Ill love you until you are able to walk again. Then you can ask me to leave you alone. Only then!”

He blinked his eyes, your words sinking in, and you cupped his face kissing him again softly, and then his cheek and forehead.

You were going to take care of him now and push him forward. You knew you could do it.

 “We can’t do this…” He said. “It’s not fair to you and...”

“I don’t care!” You said firmly brushing the tears away from his cheek. “Just focus on being able to run away from me!”

For a moment you were scared that your dark tasteless joke would make him upset but he smiled instead.

“That one was good!”

That was your first victory. You made him smile.

~*~

Weeks passed and you were the one visiting him everyday, reading for him or lost on monologues directed at him when he was moody, his eyes on the tree branches outside of his window.

Sometimes he didn’t even look at you; others he would smile and laugh with your jokes and the stories of your daily life that you always found a funny way to tell him.

Then the day to start using a wheelchair came up and you were the one who joyful took him outside to the garden. At first Jinki was like a shallow shell while you pushed him in the middle of the trees, marveling at the birds singing and all the small wonders that nature has to offer us and we normally ignore. Jinki almost died so you were sure that he would be more open to the beauties life had to offer. However at first he completely hated those walks. You had to argue with him and practically push him to do them.

However, slowly, things started to change.

Maybe because you started to bring food with you and games and you sat by his side outside talking about nonsense or simply to watch the clouds go by.

Months passed and Jinki left the hospital. He was his parents’ house first and then asked to move to his own apartment where his mother would be part of the day and you the other, after you left work.

Everyone called you crazy, even your mutual friends. Jinki didn’t love you and ever since that small kiss you shared on that day at the hospital he didn’t touch you or said anything about your feelings again.

It was fine for you since you knew that you were his friend and nothing else, that you were his crutch, the source of love and comprehension he needed during this hard time.

You started accompanying him to the physiotherapy too, to the several medical appointments he had and you become his nurse more than anything.

Fighting and smiling with Jinki became your life and sometimes at night when you closed your eyes you dreaded  and wished that the day he would be able to walk again came faster. He would feel complete again but at the same time you would stop to be a constant presence in his life.

~*~

You two were alone at his place as usual and you were as always watching a movie on tv.

He was laying down on his bed wearing a thin sleeveless white shirt that let you have a good view of his collarbones and focusing on the movie showed up to be very complicated.

He passed you the bowl with popcorn and you stole a handful eating them with your eyes on the screen while he placed the bowl beside his bed on the small table his parents pushed near his bed so Jinki could place whatever he wanted on it. Sometimes it was a book he was reading, sometimes his laptop.

You stood in silence watching the movie and when you noticed he pulled the cover that was over his legs over yours too.

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked in a low voice that made you a little uneasy because it was so y.

You normally slept at his house on the guest room so he wouldn’t be alone at night and you were used to hear his sleepy voice but it still made you melt.

“A little!”

“Come closer!” He said sweetly pulling you by your waist against him. You let yourself be pulled to him without a word and he released you slowly as if that was nothing, as if his body next to yours wasn’t burning you.

You saw him in his underwear before, when you had to help him change, which made him uncomfortable, but besides that you tried to rarely touch him or see more than you should.

You were finally focusing on the movie again when the main leads started kissing, their bodies tangled in bed. You felt your cheeks get red and you swallowed with difficulty watching the scene before your eyes.

He didn’t move by your side but you felt his gaze on you so you peeked at him quickly.

Jinki was looking at you so intensely that you couldn’t look away from his gaze, the last popcorn you had on your hand fall to the bed when he caressed your cheek.

That was the first time he actually made a move to touch you, well besides pulling you closer to him.

You froze not sure about what to do, the expression on his face being something new to you. There was a time back at the hospital when you both were in the garden playing chess that you thought that you saw a different spark in his eyes when he looked at you but you were sure it was your imagination but now, now you weren’t imagining anything.

He placed his hands on the mattress and moved his body with the help of them so he could lean forward to be closer to you. You didn’t move not sure what you were supposed to do.

The sound of the movie was completely ignored when he kissed your lips. It was a similar kiss to the one you gave him back at the hospital, awkward and with the other party slightly answering, still surprised with it.

He looked at you waiting for your reaction and you slowly moved closer to him, kissing back.

This time it lasted a lot longer and it was more intense, his hands cupped your face and you caressed his arms, griping them when he pulled away.

The intensity of his eyes made you tingle inside and you your lips that were now wet because of his.

“I’m sorry…” He said with a husky voice “I don’t know what is wrong with me tonight. I can’t concentrate; it must be your perfume…”

The perfume he was speaking about was no other than the one you used everyday, a flowery feminine one that he probably smelled a lot of times before but somehow that night was different.

You knew why. He was . He was a man after all and he had needs. It has been months ever since the last time Jinki was with a woman and you knew that even though he couldn’t walk he could do everything else a man could.

You bit your lip wondering about what to do, your eyes moving from his to his parted lips that you wanted to kiss again desperately.

To him it probably won’t have the same meaning it had to you but it was your body and you could decide.

He mumbled your name ready to say something else, probably to tell you that he was sorry that he kissed you but you didn’t let him speak. Instead you pulled the covers down, just enough so you could climb on top of him, straddling him.

“W-what are you doing?” He asked widening his eyes.

“You know what we both want.” You said kissing him again. He tried to push you away but you resisted because he was kissing you back.

“We can’t do this!” he said urgently when you moved from his lips to his neck, your hands caressing his chest.

“Why not?”

“Because….” He his lips trying to find a good reason that made that impossible. “I won’t be able I---“

“You will. I’ll help you!” You said making him groan his hands caressing your sides.

“We still can’t...it’s not fair for you!” He said with desire in his eyes.

He could try to use all the excuses he wanted, but it was clear as day that he desired you as much as you desired him.

“I’m a grown up woman. I want to have with you too. Let’s do this…”
This time he didn’t say anything and instead he kissed you, a gentle kiss that was the opposite of his desperate hands in your clothes.

You quickly got , with you helping him pull his pants and underwear down his legs and it didn’t take a long time and many caresses and kisses, for him to be hard for you to settle over him. You guided him inside you and pushed him down on the bed so you could move on top of him. You controlled the tempo of your movements, kissing his lips, muffling the sound of pleasure coming out of his mouth.

It was quick and not as romantic as you imagined your first time with him but better than romantic dreams that you knew that would never come true.

Once you both were satisfied you moved from over him and excused yourself to the bathroom.

He barely noticed when you walked away and you stole a glance at him from the door. Jinki was panting, his eyes half closed and hands beside him on the bed, the covers of the bed covering half his body and hiding the proof of what you did.

Once you closed yourself inside the bathroom you cried. Not because you regretted it, but because you loved him so much that it hurt to think that that would probably never happen again between you two. It was a moment of weakness on his part, a moment he was aroused and needed it and you were the closest woman he had.

Did you feel disgusted with yourself?! No you didn’t. You did it out of love and you regretted nothing. However it didn’t mean that it hurt.

Once you came back to the bedroom he looked at you with a gentle smile and patted the place in bed beside him. You lied by his side and he grabbed your hand pulling it to his sweaty chest, his fingers in the middle of yours.

“Thank you.”

You sighed biting your lip.

“Not for the….…I’m sorry….I’m not good with words.”

“It’s ok. I understand.” He was thanking you for staying by his side, for loving him. You turned to kiss his shoulder and no more words about that moment were exchanged between you two.

That night you slept with him.

Time passed and you were wrong about something. That wasn’t a onetime thing. After that Jinki became touchier with you. He was in a better mood too and once in a while he even stole some kisses from you. Soon you started making out and came often and when you realized you started sleeping with him on his bed every night.

His good mood helped him doing his best at the physical therapy and soon he could do some small steps with help.

The day he started walking without any help came faster than you were expecting.

You came late to the therapy and ran to the room almost bumping against tone of the physiotherapists outside on the corridor.

“Hey, you are late today!”

“Is he mad?” You asked frowning because lately he would get upset if you missed one of the session, or arrived late. He practically saw you as a nurse more than ever.

“No. “ The therapist smiled “You will be very surprised. Just enter the room and see for yourself.”

You frowned wondering what that was about and then walked the rest of the way to the room. Even before entering it you heard Jinki laugh and that was such a rare sound after the accident that you opened the door immediately running inside.

What you saw made you widen your eyes. Jinki was walking alone with no help. It was small steps as if he was a baby learning to walk for the first time but still it was walking.

He beamed at you when he saw you and the doctor monitoring him chuckled.

“Jinki was so eager to show you this!” She said proudly. Not as proud as Jinki that slowly walked in your direction, his eyes on you. “Look! I’m walking!”

You smiled with tears in your eyes. “I knew you would!”

He raised his arms trying to walk faster to reach you and you moved forward “NO!” He screamed “Don’t move. I’ll walk to you. This time I’ll do it!” The way he said it made you all tingling inside, and the doctor that was watching you both, excused herself.

She didn’t want to interrupt that romantic moment, she said. You both ignored her comment because even though everyone saw both of you as a couple you knew better. It wasn’t true. You could spend a long time together, kiss and even have but you weren’t in love. He didn’t love you. He was your friend.

He giggled getting closer to you and you bit your lip trying to hold the tears and failing miserable.

“Why are you crying?” He asked with a smile, a mere 5 steps between you two.

“Soon you will be able to run again.” You said sounding bitterly. It wasn’t as if you didn’t want him to walk. You did. It was madness, but you wished for that day when your heart would be broken to come fast.

He tilted his head confused and then it downed on him just when he reached you, his hands grabbing yours.

“You mean run away from you?”

You nodded your head, your eyes moving to your feet. “I’m really happy you are walking. I am! There is nothing in this world I wished more than this!”

He pulled you by your chin up and cleaned the tears of your cheeks.

“There is still a lot of work until I’m able to run again.”

“I know. I’ll stay by your side until then!” You said firmly. “I told you I would never leave you.”

“NO.” He shook his head, the smile on his face disappearing “No. You don’t understand. I don’t want to run away. I never did.”

“What do you mean?”

He smiled softly and walked closer, so closer that you felt as if his presence was everything you could see.

“I love you. Back then, when we were friends, there was something special but I wasn’t sure about what I felt but…but being by your side everyday opened my eyes. I- I couldn’t tell you before because I didn’t want you to be tied to a man like me. But I’ll work hard. I started working hard after we…made love. I wanted to be a full man for you. I’ll work even harder so I can run too. Not away from you, but after you, so I can be the one taking care of you for a change.”

You hiccupped covering your crying face from Jinki and he pulled you against him. You completely melted in his embrace, the confession he just made to you making your heart ache in a good way.

“I’m not going to let you go. Ever. Will you wait for me? Will you stay by my side until I recover completely?”

You pulled back and stood on your tiptoes to kiss him on the mouth. That made you chuckle and he looked at you confused with your reaction.

“I never realized how tall you are. We never kissed standing….” You blushed realizing what you were implying.

He laughed and kissed you again; cupping your face “we never had with me on top either. Can’t wait for that.”

That comment made you blush even more and he pulled you against his arms.

“My legs are starting to hurt and give in.” He said embarrassed and you helped him to sit on the couch nearby.

He sighed deeply, the smile on his lips never disappearing and grabbed your hand on his.

“I also want to be able to get on my knees.”

“What?”

He pursed his lips looking away a little embarrassed and you watched him curious.

“Why on your knees?”

“There is a question a man should ask on his knees.” He only said, making you open your mouth surprised. Marriage.

He smiled back at you. That smile was much brighter than the one from that day you decided not to leave his side.

“Yes.” You finally answered his question to stay by his side until he recovered completely, and the one he would ask someday.

You both won.