Christina Aguilera’s [You Lost Me] is played on the laptop inside Hannah’s bedroom. The vocals of such a great singer send chills through her body from where she is lying on her back in the bed; the sheet underneath her has gotten warm from her body and with closed eyes she listens to the emotions in the voice singing. For some parts she move her lips imagining she could sing as great and emotional as Christina Aguilera, the childhood idol she looks up to the most. She knows she won’t ever be able to reach such greatness as the one singing; she knows she won’t ever manage to fill a song with such emotions and meaning. She can still remember how she put [Beautiful] on replay as a young teenager, how bad her English was but still understood the meaning behind the song and she loved it so much, wondering how many out there in the world was in that same moment enjoying the same song.

The bedroom has a low shimmering light from a few candles put around the room. On the bookshelf along the wall next to the door, closest to the bed, there are five candles (one is really big, having its own space, while two candles in red cups are next to each other in front of the English book collection of Harry Potter, and on the top shelf there are two candles on each side of a beautiful painting showing the profile of a smiling blonde-haired girl). Next to the wardrobe across the room there is a white 4-drawer dresser with a hand-sized vanilla candle shimmering in the room.

With the candles, the mood has been set in the room for her, where she is lying and drowning to the sad and emotional music. She rolls around on the side to reach up to the bedside-table where the laptop is, repeating the song once again, and rolls on her back anew with closed eyes and a sigh.

How does it feel to be hated by your own family?

She rolls around the other way to face the wall, staring at it with emptiness while strangers are talking in her head.

Ignoring your own family for five years, what is wrong with her? And she tries to make everything think she is the victim… Disgusting

If she looks long enough on the wall she can see shapes being formed from the candles shimmering light; someone is dancing on her wall, a free spirit dances to Christina Aguilera’s voice. She wishes she could do the same. The time when she used to let all of her worries disappear through dancing in the practice-room; she could spend hours just dancing and sweating it all away. She turns around to see the clock on the bookshelf. 01:32

“Hannah, don’t think about it. Those aren’t your fans, those who write those comments; they are antis.”

All the comments online, she is being cursed everywhere, how can she not think about it? She didn’t want the reality show to air anything about her family, to not reveal anything after she has said it is a personal matter to the public.

“You know who your fans are. Think about them”

There are no fans out there tonight, everyone is against her.

Hannah blinks so the tears in her eyes fall down. She doesn’t wipe the tears away; she doesn’t hold them back when feeling how they run like a fiver down to her ear and she can’t stop thinking of the things she shouldn’t think of. Where are her fans? Why can she only hear the antis? She is confused. Her members told her to just let it die out; they told her so many things when she came home today. Her day was ruined after her manager had called and told her that tonight’s episode of the reality show would air some clips to try reveal the truth behind her family issue. Solve it by revealing Hannah’s part of the story after she has told everyone that it is personal?

She is such an attention

If she could, she would crawl in to a hole and stay there until she becomes a mummy. She never seeks attention. It is weird how she has managed to live this life for five years, with cameras and people always surrounding her, of all the attention she is given and how everything she does is being watched. She couldn’t even keep her family issue a secret from the vultures. Her own sister in Sweden had spoken to the media, lied about things because the juicier the story the more money, and ever since it has just gone down for Hannah and her family. Most recent was some days ago when she had been in New York, and her sister had called and ruined the whole trip. What is she supposed to do out of this? She doesn’t have a cell phone her family can reach her on, but somehow they always find a way to contact her. Why do they keep contacting her just to fight with her?

Hannah has no problem being away from her family. She has lived a dream-life in Korea for the past five years, but with her family constantly telling her what a mistake it is makes her just want to show her family even more. How can they say she is doing a mistake when her group is becoming so successful? Their Korean music is even played on the Swedish radio stations! How is that a mistake?

Several songs have passed on the playlist without her noticing it. Anastacia’s [Where Do I Belong] is currently playing, and Hannah moves to play it from the beginning again, to listen to it.

It was her mother who always played Anastacia’s music in the car when Hannah was younger. She remembers how they all used to sing along. Anastacia just like Christina Aguilera has a very cool image; that was what made Hannah like them both. Their music has a meaning behind them and that has inspired Hannah to do the same. To mean something: to do things that can change lives.

5 Pieces makes the impossible things possible.

Five Swedish girls became a K-Pop sensation. Now, they are said to be a world sensation. How is that possible? None of them knew how to sing five years ago, they weren’t good at dancing and they could barely anything about music. What they did know was that music changed their lives. And they were able to show that to the world. Five Swedish girls that less than five years of hard work filled with sweat, tears and laughter had done one impossible thing after the other, showing all the doubters that nothing is impossible.

Does that not mean anything?

Just because she can not get her family to understand how amazing her life has become, is she a bad person for not dropping all these things and go back to Sweden where her family has even sold all her of things? She has nothing left there, nothing to return to, and her family has reminded her of that.

Hannah looks at the time again, sighing as she knows she should be sleeping. She has been so tired for the past week, not getting so much sleep with the recent schedule of going abroad for events and filming a Korean drama in between. And when she isn’t working her mind is too worked up about her family that she can’t sleep. And on top of it all, is sore, making it difficult to both sing and act as her voice is always needed.

Without any energy in her body, Hannah crawls out of bed when the clock shows 02:45. Two of the candles on her bookshelves are out, and Hannah walks over to the big vanilla candle to blow it out while letting the final two keep shimmering their light inside her bedroom. She walks tiredly inside the bathroom going through the second door in her bedroom. It is a small bathroom with two doors leading in to two different bedrooms. One is Hannah’s, the other one is Emelia’s (one of her teammates), but Emelia is currently working on her solo promotions in Japan, so it is lonely here. The small bathroom has a shower, toilet and washbasin with a cabinet for towels and the two girls’ personal things like toothbrushes, make-up, lotions and whatnot.

Though there are three more girls living in this apartment, including three pets, Hannah feels lonely when Emelia isn’t there. She knows she can always go to the leader Maria to talk, but with Maria being busy preparing for her own solo comeback for next month, Hannah doesn’t want to disturb her. For the other two members, Hannah doesn’t feel that she wants to talk to them about her family.

After using the bathroom, Hannah goes back to bed where Christina Aguilera is now singing [Cease Fire], from the most recent album. Hannah crawls in under the sheets, placing her head heavily on the pillow and looks at her laptop on the bedside table. It doesn’t fit on the table, but it is steady standing there, playing the music for her.

She should sleep…

With a sigh she picks up the cell phone next to her pillow. 5 Pieces has become the face of Samsung’s new cell phone and have been promised to be given the new model to show it off in their daily lives, but since the cell phone can’t be bought just yet they haven’t been given it just yet. Hannah has nothing against her current cell phone, but the new Samsung seems really good. According to her cell phone, she has four text messages, but when Hannah looks at them it is from complete strangers, cursing her. How did they get this number?

Hannah bites together when putting her cell phone away, making sure the alarm is set before she turns the music off, her laptop too, and lies there in the soft light of her candles.

Will she be able to pull this through?

 

Still exhausted, wondering if she got any sleep at all with a heavy head and drained body, Hannah is at the set for the Korean drama ‘Mr and Miss (미스터와 미스)’ where she is playing a secret agent and wife. The drama won’t start airing until late September. It is a challenging character and drama, but Hannah loves the story and character and everything about this drama that nothing will make her step down from it. They started filming just recently, some weeks ago, but Hannah has already gotten a sweet spot for the cast and staff she has gotten to work with, which is why when she now thinks she can not do anything puts out the best smile she can afford when the beautiful actress Shin Minah arrives.

“You look more tired today than what you did yesterday,” Minah jokes when taking a seat next to Hannah to wait for the filming to begin.

Hannah tries to keep the smile on her face when she answers that she couldn’t sleep that well. Minah is eight years older than Hannah, but she looks to be of the same age. She is a model and actress with many awards and great work. One of the first Korean movies Hannah ever saw was ‘Volcano High’, and she thought the movie was a little silly but Shin Minah was so beautiful – she is even more beautiful in reality – and Hannah has said many times how honoured she feel to be able to work with such great actors and actresses.

As a singer, Hannah is still a rookie when it comes to acting even if she is being praised for it. She has acted in four different Japanese dramas and this is her second drama in Korea. Hannah loves the whole idea of taking on the role of someone else, to act and be what the director wants you to be, and even if her current character is a challenge, Hannah has said many times that in acting she loves to take on a challenge.

In the drama these two are sort of rivals. Minah’s character sees Hannah’s as a rival anyway, and as the only females in the “secret agent team”, they automatically become rivals. Many times when the two of them have talked about their characters they have gotten in on the subject that their characters are strong and independent women with this comedic side to them. Minah’s character is more of the serious and childish one while Hannah’s character is graceful and playful. They love their characters and Hannah thinks that is what connects them the most on the set; they have a big interest shared. The first scene they film together today is for the third episode when Hannah’s character has gotten dressed for an undercover job and Minah’s character is judging her. Minah is the tomboy, all cool and that, while Hannah’s the feminine with high heels.

With a lot of make-up to hide how tired she is and some medicine for , Hannah looks pretty much normal. She fights her tired eyes, but there is no difference from how she has been the whole week.

The text messages she received from antis has kept coming to her cell phone, all bringing up her family situation and saying she is a bad person. She deletes them before she can read it, but it keeps coming more and more and it’s not that she can turn her cell phone off; she needs it. One of the reasons she needs it is to keep in touch with her members. Maria is practicing for her solo comeback today, she will spend her whole day practicing, and tomorrow she will film the first music video for her comeback. She is the first member to release a full-length album on her own, they are all excited for her and the whole album just screams out ‘Maria’. Fans will love it too, Hannah is sure of it. Everyone loves 5 Pieces’ princess leader. But though Maria is busy practicing, she sends a text a little now and then to see how it is going for Hannah. Emelia, who though is busy promoting in Japan, is the one texting Hannah the most among the members. Whenever she has finished an interview or filming she sends a text Hannah to tell her how it went and ask if Hannah is still shooting her drama. Julia texts her too during the day, first to ask if she wants to come along to SNSD’s apartment and watch a movie this evening and then to ask if anyone on set has watched 5 Pieces’ reality show Life of Pieces that aired yesterday with the horror Hannah has been upset about. Hannah is working all evening so she can’t go watch the movie with SNSD and the only person at the set who seems to even dare bring the subject up about Life of Pieces and Hannah’s family is Kim Jaejoong – the JYJ’s Kim Jaejoong.

In ‘Mr and Miss’, Hannah is playing a young American woman in her twenties who works as a secret agent. She comes to Korea to live with her husband (Kim Jaejoong) who also is a secret agent and they are working in the same place, doing missions and the usual cool agent stuff. Hannah has been practicing all summer for this character; learning how to fight and to use guns and it has been really intense some days, but her biggest challenge is probably that she will be acting out as someone’s wife; the fighting scenes are things she has done before, but the wife part is completely new. Her husband is in reality one of the first Korean idols the members in 5 Pieces ever had; when he was part of DBSK, 5 Pieces first came to Korea and he supported the girls a lot the first months struggling in the new country and culture. Though Hannah didn’t have his cell phone number until they began working on this drama together a few weeks ago, Maria and Emelia both stay in touch with the members of JYJ. It is really a dream to act with Jaejoong and all the others, but to be acting as Kim Jaejoong’s wife puts her on the death list of thousand of people; including her own. Who wouldn’t want to pretend to be Jaejoong’s wife? He is handsome and beautiful, and he is a really trustworthy senior.

Hannah is standing on the set that is the luxury house her character is living in with Jaejoong’s. She is standing in what is supposed to be the office, which is big with bookshelves and books along the walls and a single desk with a closed laptop and Jaejoong is walking up to take a seat by the desk and spread out shredded paper in front of him. He looks really cool in dark jeans and a black long-sleeve t-shirt and by just moving he is making a silent scene really fascinating. All the female staff is watching him.

Once that part is done, the director waves for Hannah to come over to let them take the next part right away, going through the part with Hannah walking inside with a cup of coffee to Jaejoong and she stands next to him to ask what it is he is doing and help him sort out the shredded paper so they can figure out what secret it hides. The practice goes well; Hannah just gets confused of when to lean her arms on the desk and when to stand up straight, and she smiles when Jaejoong jokes with her about it. He nudges his elbow on her side when telling her to hurry over to the door so they can start.

“He’s pushing you around, Hannah,” the director jokes with them.

Hannah smiles at them both when walking over to the door. She likes how they are joking around; everyone on set seems to like to joke around. It puts her in a good mood, and she is always nervous when acting so when shooting she is always in a better mood than during the breaks; she thinks that is the same for everyone working there because each time a joke is being said, someone is laughing or filling it out.

A staff member comes with a cup of hot coffee to Hannah, which she holds with both hands and makes a face over how hot the whole cup is, and she giggles when the staff gets worried if she can hold it at all. They worry a lot over tiny things.

“No, I can hold it. I just have to bring it over there, right?” Hannah answers with a smile.

“Is it milk in it?” Jaejoong teases from the desk where he is relaxing. Hannah pouts at him, but then gets ready on the other side of the door for the filming to begin.

To walk over to the desk with the coffee isn’t difficult and her voice comes out good when she asks what he is doing, but the first mistake she does is when putting down the coffee on the desk and she hesitates with leaning her arms on the desk, ending up laughing and apologizing. The great thing with acting in this drama is that mistakes are not hated; she can make a mistake and no one minds it, just helping her to know what she is supposed to do and she does her best to not make another mistake. There aren’t that many mistakes that Hannah makes for this scene, but when they are all thinking that they are doing the last take of it, with Hannah resting her arms on the desk to look at the shredded paper with Jaejoong, someone among the staff sneezes just when Hannah opens to say her next line. Hannah gets still by the sneeze, surprised by it, but when seeing Jaejoong smile and look up she lowers her head with a laugh and stands up straight to re-do it.

“Bless you,” she giggles when hurrying over to her place. The staff chuckles at the one who sneezed.

The moment they are done with that, Hannah walks over to her manager Lee Ji Young standing in the back with some medicine for and voice. There is a few minutes break while they shift the filming from the office to the living-room and kitchen for the next scene. Her manager is in his 30s and has been Hannah’s manager since March 2012; he is still a rookie when it comes to being a manager for 5 Pieces and he is often reminded of it when he works with all five ladies. But when he is with just Hannah, he feels that he makes a better job because she doesn’t have to prove he is wrong all the time (like Maria has to do).

“Manager Lim wants to know if you have any plans for tomorrow,” Manager Lee mentions to Hannah when she takes the medicine.

“What happens tomorrow?” Hannah wonders, grimacing at the taste of the medicine.

“It’s Saturday – your day off.” He frowns a bit when Hannah glances at him in surprise.

“I have a day off?” Her whole brain is working hard to remember it. She has no memory of that she has a day off. Maybe she has been in other thoughts this week that she hasn’t looked up her schedule… or something. But she always checks her schedule so she probably just has forgotten it.

But to have a day of… what is she supposed to do?

“I haven’t decided what to do yet,” Hannah mutters, wondering what she could possible do on a day off. She takes her cell phone that her manager is holding on to while she is filming (he holds her whole bag in his hand) and before she has to go filming she sends a text message to a few people asking what they are doing tomorrow and mentioning that she has some free time.

“How are you holding up?” Jaejoong asks when Hannah walks up to the sofa. He is sitting on the armrest, looking tall and handsome like always while Hannah is clearing .

“My voice is getting better, I think,” Hannah answers politely but softly shrugs her shoulder to not be too polite. She knows that her members have gotten very casual around seniors, but Hannah can’t do that; she is in too much spotlight lately that she has no need to be seen as rude in all the mess. She walks around to the back of the sofa, leaning against it and watching the staff moving the cameras and such to prepare for filming.

“I saw the article about your family,” Jaejoong quietly says, fiddling on a ring on his finger but looking at Hannah. She bites her lip and nods, trying her best to not freak out over it being brought up but her insides are screaming loudly. “I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out between you and your family.”

Hannah has nothing to say. She can’t find anything to say. She just nods in silence, nervously biting her lower lip and glancing from Jaejoong to others on set. She appreciates how he keeps his low voice to keep the conversation between the two of them instead of talking about it when everyone else is close enough to hear or join. Hearing his soft voice talk again, Hannah realises she missed a part of what he said in the beginning and has to look at his lips to concentrate on what he is telling her. She doesn’t hear everything, but finds herself answering; “I had no idea they would air anything about my family. My manager told me about it yesterday a few hours before it aired… I was not ready for it.”

“It was SM’s idea, I guess?” Jaejoong says in a low voice, turning his body a little to face her. He lifts his foot up on the sofa to sit better, and he nods when she does. “Lee Sooman always does what he thinks is the best. What everyone in SM is jealous over when it comes to 5 Pieces is that you have your own voice. I think the reason no one told you until a few hours before it would go on air is to not have your opinion been spoken before its too late. If this will bring in more money, give you more attention or something else, Lee Sooman has thought it through.”

“So it’s not to pull me down even more then?” Hannah mutters.

Not until she has said it she makes a grimace for speaking like that in front of a senior. Jaejoong and the members of DBSK was a big support for 5 Pieces during their first year in Korea. No senior stood up for 5 Pieces against antis as DBSK did at that time; DBSK even showed how disappointed they were in their own fans for treating hardworking rookies such behaviour when they were throwing things during 5 Pieces attempt to perform on stage. Hannah has gotten a long way since then, but she is still hurt by comments written about her, negative and hurtful comments. Jaejoong tilts his head at her question, sighing and really looking like a reliable senior. It’s sad he isn’t in SM Entertainment anymore; Hannah thinks she would feel very safe if he was still under the same agency. Jaejoong glances over at the staff before walking around the table to get on Hannah’s side, making it more private the way he hunch his back to get a little lower down, resting his hand on the sofa’s backrest.

“Something that I have learned in time,” Jaejoong tells her in a low voice, big magical-looking eyes looking at her, “is that the only one who can bring you down is yourself. The people commenting are reckless and they want their comments to hurt, and it is only human to be hurt by what others are saying about you, but as an artist and idol there are always people wanting to hurt you like that. It is your job to make sure you grow to stand against it and stay strong.”

Tears try to get in her eyes, making Hannah look away and nod to let him know she is still listening. She doesn’t want to cry, not here, not now, not in front of him, and she bites together to not let anyone see her struggling. Jaejoong is quiet for a few seconds to let her gather herself, and then he continues.

“No one knows the history of your family, right? Your fans don’t know what your family is like?” Jaejoong wonders and she knows what he means.

“I have never spoken about it in public,” Hannah answers quietly. “SM wanted me to come out with a statement to why my sister lied for the media, but I couldn’t say anything without saying too much. It would feel like … like I’m hiding behind that or something.”

“What did the ladies say then? Do they think you should come out clean or continue like this?”

Hannah frowns a bit when looking up at him. “You think I should tell the truth?” She is confused. “About my family situation?”

“Why not?” Jaejoong lifts his shoulders. “The way your family treat you, they don’t deserve your tears. I don’t know them personally but I remember what you have told me. If they go out lying and hurt you like this, then you need to defend yourself. A lot of your fans are still confused, especially to why you didn’t want to give your sister any money. I understand why, I remember what you have told me, but they don’t.” He tilts his head on the side when telling her and Hannah blinks when looking down at their feet. “It is a suggestion, Hannah. You can either speak the truth or use your voice against SM for them to drop it all. Talk to the ladies, they know you better than anyone.”

She smiles softly at the very last words. She can’t help but to smile at that, and Jaejoong smiles too when putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you, senior,” she whispers and glances up at him.

His smile grows, looking very satisfied with himself. “Just ask me anytime if you need advice,” he tells her proudly. “As I have said before; 5 Pieces is my favourite juniors.” She laughs and shakes her head at how silly he turns out to be within seconds, but he is still a senior she respects and looks up to. She will talk to her members about it, especially since he tells her to – she is sure her members will have an opinion about it.

 

Around midnight, Hannah’s schedule ends for the day and Manager Lee gives her a ride home. She can barely keep her eyes open and her head is dizzy even if she has been drinking a lot of water. Her manager’s advice for her day off tomorrow is to sleep. Hannah has managed to get other plans though; she is having lunch with U-Kiss’ former member Alexander and her Korean little brother Kyung Ho will eat dinner with her.

“It’s my day off tomorrow too,” Manager Lee says when following Hannah up to the apartment, “which means you can not call me if you need to get anywhere. Chun Ho Hyung said there will be a driver to get you anywhere you want, but you reach him through Chun Ho.”

Hannah nods. Manager Lim Chun Ho is the oldest manager 5 Pieces has. He is their father in all kind of ways beside from that they aren’t related and haven’t known each other for more than five years. But he is the father of the group and makes all the decisions and is the one the other managers turn to and who all the ladies turn to. He is very important.

The apartment is in complete silence when Hannah comes inside. Just for a second she is confused over the silence, but then remembers that Julia and Carolina are with SNSD. Manager Lee seemed to not have known that as he first asks where everyone is and then frowns when she tells him. “Are you alright being alone? You want me to stay for a while?”

She looks at him strangely. “Go home and sleep, Oppa,” she tells him tiredly. “I’m going to bed anyway.”

“Okay… Don’t forget to look through the mail about the Japanese single; we are doing promotions in Tokyo on Sunday and Monday, it is important that you go through the practice video of the song too as you will perform it. Remember the eating schedule; you have a hospital visit on Tuesday where they will not like to hear if you skip more meals-”

“Oppa,” Hannah sighs at him. “I know all those things. Go home and sleep, and no, I won’t disturb you anything tomorrow.”

He smirks, rolling his eyes he says goodnight to her before leaving. The moment the door has closed, Hannah’s face drops as she listens to the empty apartment. She had forgotten no one would be home; or she had hoped they would be back by now. She wants to talk about what Jaejoong told her. She needs to know what to do with everything going on. Though she is the furthest away, Hannah picks up her cell phone – stopping her actions when seeing all the unwelcomed text messages she has received – before she gives a call to Emelia, ignoring the texts completely. Emelia is in Japan, but it is a big chance she is the only one Hannah can talk to at the moment.

After eleven signals, Hannah gives up. With a sad pout, upset that everyone is busy, she walks inside the apartment. After walking around in search for a pet – it seems like Julia brought the puppies with her – she finds their kitten Ace sleeping on Maria’s bed on the second floor of the apartment. The second floor is just for the bedrooms; five bedrooms, one play room, two bathrooms and one room used as a wardrobe. The first floor is kitchen, living-room, bathroom, laundry room and two office-rooms for the ladies. Hannah kisses Ace on his fur before she walks inside her own bedroom, throwing all clothes off and takes a shower. Once she is done she puts lotion all over her body and gets dressed in a pair of blue polka dot pyjama pants and a gray oversized pullover with wide arms. Not until she is putting up her brushed hair in a loose bun at the crown of her head she sees her cell phone quietly vibrating on her bed and hurries to answer, hoping it is Emelia who saw her missed phone call.

“Hello?” she answers quickly, falling down on her bed when loosing strength in her arms.

“Hello, how have you been? Are you too important to answer my six phone calls and text messages?”

Definitely not Emelia, but Hannah doesn’t need a single second to know who it is. “Honggi Oppa!” She looks at the caller-ID. “Did you change your phone number?”

“Yeeees, good there! I have texted you like five hundred times today.” Honggi has such a temper, and he makes Hannah sit up with a pout in bed.

“I’m sorry. I have gotten a lot of texts today, so if I don’t know the number I have just erased them… Sorry, Oppa,” she mutters.

“You want to talk about it?” Honggi wonders, his voice has changed. “Are you working?”

“I’m at home now, just got out of the shower. All of the ladies are out, so-”

“Then I can come over?”

Hannah gets quiet by the suggestion, just spacing out. She didn’t really think he was going to come over. “Aren’t you in Japan?”

“You really don’t follow me a lot recently,” Honggi sighs. Hannah feels bad, knowing that two years ago she would have talked to Honggi about pretty much everything, but since the beginning of the year they have just drifted apart. She sees him as a very good friend, she thinks that won’t ever change, but she has been too busy to meet him.

“I am free tomorrow, could we meet then?” she suggests, remembering that she has the day off.

“Tomorrow is not good for me… Come on, can’t I just come over for an hour and talk a bit? I haven’t seen the new apartment either.”

“Sure. Come then. But don’t expect me to be in a good mood; I am exhausted and tired,” Hannah warns him, getting up to start quickly put away clothes and such. Honggi just laughs.

While waiting for Honggi to come, Hannah just rushes around to see if the apartment is clean enough to have anyone come. Where the energy came from, she doesn’t know at all. She doesn’t change clothes or anything, just checks her mirror reflection and grimaces, hoping he won’t expect her to get dressed when he will come at this late hour. And after ten minutes she is sitting on the floor in the living-room with Ace in her arms, the cell phone on the floor in front of her, and she is just waiting tiredly. The energy she had was just in the moment; now she thinks she can fall asleep any second.

There is a history between her and Honggi. It goes almost as far back as 5 Pieces’ official debut in November back in 2008. It was Super Junior’s Heechul who introduced 5 Pieces to FT Island. The ladies were still bad at Korean during that time, and though there was a language barrier, Honggi seemed to like hanging out with Hannah. Several of times he would take Hannah out for pizza (both of them were on a diet in 2008-2009 and were craving for fat food), and that was probably what brought them closer. This year in February when they were both guests on the talk-show Strong Heart, they admitted they were briefly dating during the time they got to know each other, and to make the story simple they said they never got anywhere further as they found themselves being better friends than anything else. There is so many other things in that story, a lot of things that have made them friends forever and to why they don’t contact each other as crazily now as they used to do. They have both hurt each other, but like all of their friends notices; they can’t stop being friends. Hannah finds it strange how addicted they are of their friendship. They have fought like crazy in the past but easily forgave each other because it was just worse fighting, and somewhere in their history there will always be a part of them that is drawn to each other.

It is also strange, Hannah realises now, that in these moments when she thinks she really in the end doesn’t have anyone to turn to in her worst situations Honggi always seems to be the one contacting her. It is almost as if he has a spy telling him when she has no one else there.

Eventually he comes. Hannah hurries up on her feet with Ace in her arms (the cell phone now thrown in the sofa) and she goes to open the doors for him. She stands by the apartment-door, holding it open when waiting for him to come up the elevator. She is nervous. They don’t see each other that often, and honestly she has gotten pretty bad to contact him too, and this is his first time visiting 5 Pieces’ new apartment. They got it almost two months ago. Hannah smiles widely, filled with overly tired energy when Honggi comes out from the elevator. He smiles back at her, wearing a red hat, a white t-shirt and sweatpants, and Hannah gets filled with this familiar feeling that she can’t explain.

“You really look like you need some sleep,” is the first thing Honggi tells her, but he doesn’t see her reaction as he is busy giving her a hug without crushing Ace between them. Honggi bends down to talk baby-language with the cat. “This once seems to have lost weight too.”

“Do you want to come in or not?” Hannah threatens him, hitting him on the arm when letting him come inside. Honggi laughs at her question, and then gets impressed when seeing the hall.

“So it is only you two living here?” he asks. The way he asks makes it clear it is a joke, but Hannah doesn’t seem to understand it. “You and Ace, Hannah – no one else is here, right?”

“Oh…”

She walks past him while he is taking off his shoes, leading him inside the apartment and briefly showing him around on the first floor. Though Honggi is really interested in how they are living (amazed by the two-floor apartment) and in all the personal pictures and gifts from fans showed everywhere, he can not help but to look twice as much on Hannah than necessary. At first she tries to ignore it, secretly wishing he won’t comment on how she looks with her wet hair in a bun and pyjamas outfit. She doesn’t show him upstairs; instead they sit down in the living-room. Hannah keeps hugging Ace in her arms and Honggi sits close enough to be patting the cat. He starts off talking about what he has been up to lately, some things about FT Island as well, but within minutes he gets this weird look at her again.

“What?” she tiredly asks him. There is no politeness that she uses with Jaejoong, even if Honggi is a senior and she was actually a fan of FT Island before going to Korea. But their relationship has always been different, and Honggi has never told her to treat him as a senior either. For him it was more ‘I am your friend’.

“Emelia is worried about you,” Honggi answers. His hand briefly touches Hannah’s when he pats Ace, and though both of them react to it, none of them shows it.

“How would you know that?” she coldly wonders in a low voice.

“I met her in Japan,” Honggi answers. He is sitting with one foot up in the sofa, turned towards her while she is sitting tailor, both of them closer than necessary because of Ace; the kitten seem very comfy lying in Hannah’s arms, having Honggi caressing him. “After some beer she began talking about how you are closing in again. She thinks it’s because her grandmother died recently that you can’t talk to her, because you are fighting with your family.”

Hannah leans her head back against the backrest, looking at her friend tiredly. “Emelia told you to come here?” she whispers. There is no coldness in her voice, she just wants to know. They haven’t met in a while, and all of a sudden he comes when she is feeling low and he brings this up.

“Why would she ask me to come?” Honggi shakes his head. “I came because I saw Life of Pieces yesterday and I realised what a lousy friend I have been recently, and I wanted to make up to it by hearing how you are doing.”

“I still think she told you to come…”

“No, stop with that,” Honggi sighs, getting slightly irritated. “Emelia talks a lot. It’s not really a secret that she still thinks you and I … you know. But since that is in the past, can’t I just try to be a good friend to you? Don’t turn into Negative now.”

Though she wants to be tired and annoyed at Emelia talking to everyone about everything within the group, she can’t help but to chuckle when he says ‘Negative’. Honggi smiles as he knows why she reacted like that. Hannah hides her smile behind Ace’s head as she holds him up a little in her arms. “Emelia still talks too much.”

“And she thinks you talk too little,” Honggi says with a smirk. “Maybe you could talk to me; catch me up on what’s been going on with this annoying family of yours that I have never met and if I ever will, I only want to tell them that you are an impressive young woman who-”

“Don’t say anything cheesy, Oppa,” she is slowly shaking her head.

“I was just telling the truth,” he jokes and is fast to raise his hand in case she wants to hit him. She doesn’t, but she rolls her eyes at him instead. “See? This is what worries your members; if you aren’t even hitting me, there is some serious issues going on. Are you going to tell me or will I have to threaten your cat?”

Hannah just raises her eyebrows at him. Honggi smiles, shrugs his shoulders and says it was worth a try.

“So what’s going on?” Honggi asks a little calmer. “What is today’s worry?”

She sighs tiredly, closing her eyes for two seconds before looking down at Ace. “I have told everyone that I want to keep my family situation private; I told my fans and media that, I told our managers and the agency the same thing. Then yesterday (without my knowledge) they started to reveal the hidden truth or whatever of the whole situation that has been happening this summer.”

“You looked very cute in that episode,” Honggi nods.

Hannah glares at him.

“What? It’s true. I’m not lying, you did look very cute.”

“I behaved like a child! On TV!”

“A very cute child,” Honggi adds and receives another glare, and this time a punch on the leg too.

“I’m being serious, Oppa!”

“And I’m serious too, it’s just that everyone is overreacting about this,” Honggi answers in a light tone. “Your fans know that you have been living in Korea for five years, and you have never during this time been really on good terms with your family because they don’t like what you’re doing and the only wrong you ever did them was to run away. You were fifteen years old; who didn’t want to run away in that age? It’s stupid, Hannah, it’s completely idiotic how big everyone is making this.”

For some reason it feels as if she is being scolded by him and Hannah can’t lift her head.

“Doesn’t it irritate you?” Honggi asks her. “To know that you are being blamed for what your family is doing? And what is your family doing about this? Aren’t they just making it worse?”

“You seem to have thought about this a bit…” Hannah mumbles, not really sure what to say about his reaction.

“It’s your family, of course I think about it!”

“Please don’t raise your voice.”

“How can you be so calm about this? It’s your family-”

“I know who they are. I am just too tired about it all. After five years constantly hearing from my mother that this is just a phase in my life – that I’m soon going to be kicked out of here and where can I go then other than back to Sweden? – I’m tired of hearing it and I don’t have the energy to complain or say against anymore,” Hannah quietly answers. “I keep thinking that she will back off, but now apparently she has gotten my sister to join her instead; for a while I thought my sister had forgotten about my existence.”

“That’s just sad…”

“It’s not pity I need,” Hannah mutters and puts Ace in Honggi’s arms so she can hug her knees.

“That’s not what I’m giving you either,” Honggi answers. “I’m gonna be honest with you of what I think; your family is sick. There is nothing wrong with you other than your family that treats you like . It’s not okay to treat someone this way. To lie about you to get money? To one second tell you to come home and the next tell you that you have no home there?”

She nods in agreement. He does remember things she has told him. “I’m working with Kim Jaejoong for the drama now, and he told me to talk to the ladies about what to do now. He thinks I should tell the truth about my family; that my sister used to take drugs and that I have been told to not come back to Sweden. But I think it sounds like excuses, so I need their help to sort things out.”

“You could talk to Jaejoong about this but not me?” Honggi seems a little hurt by that.

“I am telling you about it…”

“Only because I burst in and threatened you to tell me.”

Too tired to argue like a child, Hannah just stares at him. Honggi smiles at her, trying to show that he is joking with her, but notices she is not in the mood for jokes.

He stays for another half hour before Maria comes home, talks to them for about ten minutes before she goes upstairs to take a shower and Hannah follows Honggi to the hall.

“Your hair has gotten long,” she comments, pulling lightly in the hair at the back of his neck. Honggi takes a hand to his neck to feel with his own fingers, saying it isn’t that long. “I think it’s long.”

Honggi smiles while shaking his head before putting on his shoes, telling her to save his cell phone number so she can answer the first time he calls next time. Before leaving he gives her a hug, sneaks a peck on her cheek and hurries out through the door to not get hit by her hand. With him being sent off, Hannah closes the door and hurries up the stairs. Maria hasn’t gotten in the shower yet; she is doing something on her cell phone standing by her door.

“How was your day?” Hannah quietly asks.

“Oh my GOD it was SOOO exhausting!” Maria sighs and throws the cell phone on her bed. “I am getting up in 3-4 hours to film a music video that doesn’t even have dancing in it – I have spent the whole day dancing for another song! – It’s frustrating to know I am practicing for so many songs at once. Oh, by the way, why was Honggi here?”

Hannah shrugs her shoulder. “He wanted to talk. He wasn’t here for long.”

“Okay. How was your day then?”

Again she shrugs her shoulder. “It was okay, I guess.”

“No hating or depression…?”

She shakes her head for answer. “But I need to talk to you all when we have the chance – I need help with a decision. Maybe on Sunday if we have time.” She won’t talk to the ladies about it tonight; she can wait for all of them gathered. Like Jaejoong knows; you can’t finish the puzzle without one piece, and she will need all the pieces gathered to get help with her issues. And who knows? Maybe more ladies need some sisterly advice.

“I still don’t understand why Honggi was here…” Maria mutters when taking a towel to get in the shower.

 

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Headline 23rd: 5 Pieces’ Emelia Admits On Japanese Radio That It Gets Lonely Promoting Without 5 Pieces

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X. devonalias