A review from damnthatdubu's Review Shop

Title: 3/5

Aside from being a little bit on the typical side, I’m not a big fan of an ellipsis in titles.

It takes it from being “I’ll never let go you, don’t worry” to an “Oh… well I guess I won’t let you go” sort of feel. However, that’s just a pet peeve of mine.

Poster/Background: 3/5

It’s a very plain and simple poster. Other than the fact that Onew is in it, it doesn’t really tell me much about your story. Also, I don’t think the feel of it is very right. It seems very light and bubbly, however, your story involves a lot of drama.

Forward/Description: 3/5

The two missing points are for the lack of a description. However, the forward section is rather essential to your story, so I would say your forward is a pretty good clip as to what will happen in your story, and that is what it’s for, after all.

Plot: 23/30

I am honestly having a hard time keeping up with the twists and turns in your plot right now. It is really like a Korean drama. Although the twists and turns keep the reader interested, it’s hard to determine what your plot is really about.

Although, it does add with your title of not letting someone go, I think it would be more effective to pick one twist, let it simmer for 3 or so chapters before moving on to a completely new situation. At this rate, I’m both curious and worried to see how your plot will progress, with that of the new person who is trying to ruin Onew’s life.

Writing Style: 6/10

One thing I noticed is that when a character is thinking of a situation that is stressing them out, you write “Sigh” as a new sentence instead of “I sighed”. Even though it is a fanfic, we have to remember that the characters have to have some sort of part to them that is real, and that is their thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I sigh, I don’t think Sigh in my head. If I were retelling my events, as fanfics suggest, I would write down “I sighed”, or “I groaned”, or whatever I happened to have done at that moment.  There was once a similar situation with “*cough cough*”. The same applies.

These next two points are also big pet peeves of mine, so I’m sorry if this offends you a little bit:

The first is the overuse of Korean words. It’s fine the first time, when someone says “hyung” or “noona” to show respect, but after the third time, it gets rather repetitive. I understand that it is a sign of respect in Korean, and it would happen in Korean conversation, but the thing is that it would be perfectly fine if the story didn’t have these words. Also, although it sounds a little harsh, the story is in English, so the constant transition between languages, and putting Korean words into different sentences gets old pretty easily, and just a little bit sloppy.

The next pet peeve didn’t really bother me when I became new to fanfics, I even wrote like this myself, but after extensive typical details like this, I grew tired of it. The details I’m talking about aren’t too apparent in your fiction as time goes on, but they are still present nonetheless. I am talking about the stereotypical SHINee traits; Taemin being a child, Key being the “umma”, Jonghyun being a player, Minho into sports, you get the picture. The reason this bothers me is not only because it is overdone, but because it is a fanfiction, and that means you can do whatever you want to the characters. You can choose to make them act however you want, but keeping the already made images is playing it way safe.

Flow: 11/15

The main reason for this score on flow is the fast use of the word “love”. Seeing the characters adapt so fast, and seeing Onew proclaim his love for someone so fast, after he’d been heartbroken, was all too rapid for me. Also, the character’s ability to simply move on was also a little bit too rapid.

Characterization: 11/15

For the reasons above, on the SHINee part.

However, I do applaud you on the character of Nana, specifically. It’s very rare when a protagonist, that is female, is headstrong to the point where she isn’t incredible. Nana seems like a diamond in the rough, and you did a very good job showing different sides to her.

Ending: 0/0

No Ending yet.

Grammar/Spelling:  6/10

The first thing I would like to get out of the way is the tiny, not really into a category kind of stuff;

Firstly, it didn’t show up in the late chapters, but earlier, I noticed you confused “loose” with “lose”.

“Loose” means not firmly attached, like a loose pair of jeans, whereas “lose” is the opposite of win.

Secondly, I noticed that you mix up the proper placement of verbs that mean “to be” (are/am/etc.) with other verbs, such as do.

Ex:          You’re really good at cutting peoples sentences don’t you?”

In this example, the correct verb would be “aren’t”:

You’re really good at cutting people’s sentences off, aren’t you?

The reason why is because you are describing a character trait, which would need to be classified under those “to be” verbs.

Now, this may sound confusing. I have another sentence picked out to help explain more.

“…you sure like to be the center of attention aren’t you?”

In this sentence, you already have a form of to be present (or in this case, actual to be), so you don’t need to repeat that.

It should be:

“You sure like to be the center of attention, don’t you”

Anything that is not after a “to be” would also use “don’t” in questioning sentences such as these.

I also noticed the problem you have with Run On sentences. You can easily fix this problem by adding commas, semi colons, or breaking the sentence into two.

Even if they are short sentences, they can appear sped up if they do not include punctuation. For example:

“I couldn’t see my surroundings for everything was silhouetted.”

This sentence sounds a bit rushed, and should be separated with a comma.

“I couldn’t see my surroundings, for everything was silhouetted.”

All these forms of punctuation mean one thing; the separation of ideas. If you have more than one idea in a sentence, break it up in to parts.

I was admiring the scenery in front of me which the white sand and the blue green of the ocean with the skies’ not so bright and not so dark background when I heard Taemin’s call.

The sentence above is a way run on. There are so many ideas there that need to be split up, or else the sentence sounds overwhelmed.

You can do a couple of things to this:

Separate it with commas:

I was admiring the scenery in front of me,which the white sand and the blue green of the ocean,with the skies’ not so bright and not so dark background, when I heard Taemin’s call.

Separate it with a semi colon:

I was admiring the scenery in front of me; the white sand, the blue green of the ocean, and the background of the not too bright and not too dark sky, when I heard Taemin’s call.

Or if you would like, you can also turn this into two sentences.

I sat there, admiring the scenery in front of me; the white sand, the blue green ocean, and the background of the not too bright and not too dark sky. Just as I was taking it in, I heard Taemin call over to me.

Lastly, you had a bit of a problem with tense.

I noticed that you often forget to put “ed” after a word. We must remember that the way your story is styled, every event gets told in the past tense, so having “ed” verbs is crucial, such as in sentences like “You saved” or “I saved”, when it is the main verb.

There are also times where ed verbs are not.

If the main verb is already in past tense, then you do not need to have another past tense verb in the sentence.

Example: I felt my body shivered.

Felt is your main verb, and it is in past tense, therefore “shivered” should just be “shiver”. It sounds confusing, but it really isn’t. Just ask yourself: “What did she do?” She felt. “Felt what?” Her body shiver.

Going along with this whole past tense thing, the last problem is subject verb agreement; basically, it all has to be past tense.

Ex. “If you’re a minute late, she would have been dead”

Should be:

“If you had been a been a minute late, she would have been dead.”  Because you are speaking in the past, therefore that should be reflected in your verbs.

I hope that didn’t confuse you too much. If you need further explanation, don’t hesitate to ask ^^.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

It was mostly based on my pet peeves. Don’t misinterpret, the story itself was not bad at all, just not my taste of stories. Please don’t let my opinion discourage you!

69/100

69%

Don’t let the score discourage you dear! You have a pretty good story on your hands. Better than most I have read, anyways.