"If you can't stop thinking about her, you can go."

 

Yongguk's grip loosens. "You sure?" I nod my head slightly but keep my eyes closed. He kisses me on the cheek before getting off my bed and leaving my room.

 

He didn't deny thinking about her.

 

PANG!!

 

He easily, and without hesitation, left me.

 

PANG!!

 

It's been like this for what, two weeks? Am I just a memory in the past?

 

PANG!!

 

I must admit, I am jealous. Jealous that Shawna gets so much attention because she' scutes and small. I'd brush it off and easily let Yongguk go if she didn't send me that smirk of accomplishment every time Yongguk went to her. Even the others seem to be drifting away. Part of me honestly thinks Shawna has wrapped her little fingers around everyone to get them farther from me and closer to her. Even as a kid, when she visited my father and I, she momentarily took my friends away from me until I was the only one in the park. A few times, my dad had to come and get me since I'd refuse to go home if she was there. I never told him that, though. Before she left, Shawna apologized and when agreed to be friends. Since it was so long ago, I locked it within the deepest part of my mind and only now remember those moments.

 

Remembering only hurts, though.

 

"He-Jin, it's dinner." Adrienne knocks gently at my door.

 

"Not hungry." I say, clutching tighter to my pillow. My door opens and closes and my bed dips.

 

"Not hungry or not in the mood to be social?" She asks as she slips under my covers. "I saw Yongguk leave this room and join Shawna. Something you wanna tell me?" I shake my head and turn farther away. I hear her exhale and snuggle closer to me.

 

"Growing up, I got good grades, did well in sports and had many friends. Shawna wasn't so fortunate. She had to stay inside a lot but many of our shared friends would visit her. I shamefully admit I was jealous of her because she got 90% of attention from adults around us, including our parents. They couldn't come to my sport meets because Shawna didn't want to be left alone. They couldn't come to my awards ceremony because Shawna was having nightmares. Shawna, Shawna, Shawna." I chuckle because of the nasally voice Adrie took on to say her name, causing her to laugh as well. "One day, when I was being awarded most valuable player in tennis, I couldn't find my parents in the crowd. After it was finished, instead of calling them for a ride home, I ran away."

 

I turn to face Adrienne and find her eyes staring off into the past. She's telling not only me this story, but reliving the memories.

 

"I hid at the arts centre for hours until I saw my parents run up to me in wet raincoats and tears in their eyes. I didn't dare ask about Shawna, because I wanted to enjoy the moment without her." I saw Adrienne barely cringe, as if saying those words shocked and hurt her. "When we got home, my parents went back to Shawna. Until the moment they left, I believed my parents loved Shawna more." Adrie sighs and looks down at me. "You'll only be here a week and a half and everything will go back to normal. I'm stuck here with her!" We both laugh. Adrie gets off the bed, straightens her clothes and holds out her hand. I take it and stand up.

 

"How did you know?" I ask as we exit my room, referring to the mixed feelings I've been having about her twin.

 

"I've seen the looks Shawna has sent you, and although you are very good at masking it, I recognize the face you make when a certain someone chooses Shawna over you. The face that says you know you shouldn't feel that way, but you still do."

 

I squeeze her hand and mouth 'thank you' before joining everyone at the table. We choose a movie after dinner. Before Shawna can grab Yongguk, Adrienne pulls her next to her and sends me a wink. I smile and sit next to Yongguk, who pulls me onto his lap and snuggles into my shoulder.

 

•  •   •

 

"Are we talking another tour?" Youngjae asks me and Adrienne as we prepare breakfast.

 

"Maybe," the two of us answer in unison. We giggle but give nothing more away. 

 

I feel arms wrap around my waist. "Morning," a sleepy Yongguk greets my with messy hair, tired eyes and a very (y) deep voice.

 

"Good morning to you, too," I smile, pecking him on the cheek. "Want to help me today?" I ask, wiggling from his grasp and shooing him away to give me space to cook. Shawna bounces in and attaches herself onto Yongguk, I turn away to avoid showing her my face of disappointment.

 

"Yongguk, wanna go to the park with me?" She asks. Before Yongguk can even open his mouth to answer, Adrie steps in.

 

"Shawna, ask someone else. I need Yongguk to help He-Jin with some things today." Adrienne sends her sister a smug, authoritative look and Shawna glares at her. She let's go of MY boyfriend and leaves.

 

"What do you need me to do?" Yongguk asks, turning to me and Adrienne.

 

"Go to the grocery with He-Jin and buy everything on this list." She hands him the list and takes over my cutting vegetable job. "Be back before before noon, please."

 

Holding hands, we walk to the car.

 

•  •  •

 

"We are here to get deliciousness. Am I right, soldier?!"

 

"Yes, sir!"

 

"We will get not only everything, but the best of everything!"

 

"Yes, sir!"

 

"And we'll have fun doing it!" I laugh. Yongguk pulls me to him and raised his fist into the air.

 

"You betcha!"

 

I stand at the front of the cart, feet at the bottom and the list in my hand. Yongguk stands behind me, his arms on either side while his hands grasp the bar. While he steers and moves the cart, I hitch a ride and tell him where to go. People stop to watch us with chum founded faces but we don't care and brush them off like the wind.

 

We have each other and that's all that matters.

 

"Peas?" Yongguk asks.

 

"Peas." I nod. He tosses three cans into the cart and we move on.

 

"Shrimp?"

 

"Shrimp."

 

"Chips?"

 

"Chips."

 

Twenty minutes before noon, our cart is full with everything the list but drinks. I walk on my own up and down the aisles while Yongguk trails behind me, going over our plunder. I spot the drinks from the list on top of a shelf and I stretch to reach it.

 

"One case of Solo Apple-J, two cases of Peardrax and one case of Angostura Lemon-Lime," I mumble to myself as I reach for the Apple-J. Big hands clutch my hips and I'm almost effortlessly lifted off the ground.

 

"Can you manage?" Yongguk asks from below, his grasp firm to ensure my safety. I nod and get the drinks, Yongguk lowering me so I can add them to the cart. We finish our hunt and make our way to the cashier.

 

"Wonder what Adrienne wants with all this food?" Yongguk says. I smile secretly and wait for the final price.

 

"A secret, but I promise you, you'll love it." The cashier gives me my change and the two of us head to the car. I unpack the light to medium heavy things while Yongguk tends to the heavy stuff.

 

"Is that everything?" He asks.

 

"Why? Are you so eager to return to Shawna?" I joke.

 

Did I just- did I just ask that? What the heck?! I didn't mean to ask that, it was just in my head! I just-

 

"No. I'm just curious."

 

I nod and start the car. "You aren't jealous, right?"

 

"Are you crazy?!" I scream not out of anger but pure denial. Yongguk smirks and settles in his seat.

 

"You are totally jealous." I don't answer and leave him in his own world. "You shouldn't be. Shawna is just a friend. You are my girlfriend. You have no reason to think I like her more."

 

'No reason to think I like her more'

 

"Really? Because you seem to hang out with her more. You don't even notice when I've woken up until we've sat down by the table." While my mind screams at me to shut up, my heart has taken control of my speech. "The only reason you're here with me now is because Adrie told you to. You would have gone off with Shawna."

 

"That's not true!" He shouts.

 

"Oh really? What's not true? The fact that you don't notice me anymore more or the fact that you don't 'like' me as much as you used to? You know very well the first is true and the second might become true. The day you came to comfort me in bed and Shawna called your name, I had to tell you to stay; it wasn't on instinct. When I let you leave, you didn't even hesitate. You just clarified if it was okay!"

 

"You said it was okay!"

 

"But you didn't deny thinking about her!" I mash the brakes at a red light and look at him, tears glittering my eyes. "You don't know how it hurts when the person you love lies down beside you thinking of someone ELSE!" A few tears escape my eyes and I wipe them. "You don't know the looks I get from Shawna when you choose her over me. You don't know anything because you are oblivious to everything! Am I right or not?"

 

The car behind us honks and I snap back to reality, realizing it's a green light. The car continues to roll and I remain silent, waiting for Yongguk's answer. Not long after, I get one.

 

"Not. Shawna doesn't have it in her to be malevolent. Your vision is clouded with jealousy. Can't you see you are being unreasonable?"

 

I stop the car abruptly in the driveway, get out of the car and stomp my way into the house. I wipe my eyes as I return Adrienne's car keys and slump onto my bed. I hear the movement of life as the groceries are unpacked. I hear the exchange of greetings between Shawna and Yongguk. I hear him say goodbye as he leaves the house, Adrienne telling him and Shawna to come home in an hour.

 

I hear my heart deflate as I the door closes. 

 

He knows it's true.

 

He's choosing the cat over the dog.

 

How could this day have started out so well yet ended so horribly? I wake up from my sleep when Adrienne comes to tell me it's dinner.

 

"Not hungry." I answer. Adrienne sighs before leaving my room.

 

"Eating some food might make you feel better." I shake my head and watch the light on the window wall decrease in size before stopping.

 

"No need to bring her. We don't need a gloomy aura to ruin everything." I hear someone whisper.

 

The door closes and I hear Adrienne's attempt at keeping her yelling at a whisper. I can't hear a word she's saying because my sobs cloud my ears. My body shakes and my heart is broken.

 

How could Yongguk say that with so much bitterness in his voice?

__________________________

 

Chapter 44: Broken hearts, twisted roads and what ifs...