CHAPTER 21: A JOURNEY BACK TO HISTORY

[DARA’S POV]

Sephie is a Filipino guy I met during my college years. I lived in the Philippines for 8 years, when mom and dad broke up. I had relationships before him, but it wasn’t as serious as our relationship because I still don’t know what love is until he came into my life and taught me how. We became boyfriend-girlfriend for 4 years during my first year in college until after graduation. He is a very handsome boy, making him win the title of Mr Nursing in our school! We fell in love because as soon as we became friends, we just clicked! We both have the same personality and the same interests in EVERYTHING! He is a very lovely person, always showing care to our classmates and the patients we handle with during our internship. 

During the first year of our relationship, he is very sweet and caring as usual. He would give me sweet surprises whenever he feels his love for me overflows. I remembered this one time, he had his chest x-rayed, and when he gave the results to me, I opened it and saw a heart-shaped sticker attached to his x-ray film on the part where his heart is positioned, with my face printed on it! It came with the note that says, “To my angel: this is how I love you so much! You filled every space in my heart!”

I would always cry whenever I get surprised by Sephiebecause I am always moved by what he does for me... He would always go to my place while I am still sleeping, only to leave me with sweet notes and a rose beside me! There was this one time when I woke up, I saw my red playing cards on my room floor shaped like a heart, and when I looked beside me I saw a bear as big as my bedside table holding a tray of breakfast already waiting for me to eat it and have a good morning! He is always like that… He would think of unique ways to surprise me, and fall for him even harder each day! That’s why my friends tell me that I am so lucky to have him in my life…

The most memorable and sweetest thing Sephie did for me was, when I was having my internship in a province, (because the school sent us to the “country side” of the Philippines) and my duty was finally over, I hurried to my dorm thinking of going straight home. And when I opened the door, all my friends were there waiting for me! I was not expecting them to be there, for it is a very long trip coming from the city! I was shocked seeing all of them dressed so formal! I have really no clue what was happening that time, but I am suspecting that it is Sephie’s idea to bring them there… I just couldn’t figure out what surprise he is up to because it’s not our anniversary that time! It’s just an ordinary sunny day, and I can’t remember anything memorable to celebrate about! They were all very suspicious, for they blind folded me, dressed me, did my make-up, and brought me to my friend’s van. I really can’t move then, for all of them are holding me, making sure that I can’t see anything. I finally felt the van stopped and they all assisted me in going out. They dragged me to a place, which I guessed easily that I am at the beach for they made me wear slippers, and when I got out of the van, I felt the sand went in. They eventually untied my blind fold, and the first thing I saw was Sephie’s beautiful face, smiling with sparkling eyes filled with love…

“I love you my angel. Are you ready to spend your entire life with me?” he suddenly said, smiling sweetly. I then looked around and noticed that we are beside the sea, with an arranged setting, as if I am attending a beach wdding! My eyes couldn’t control it anymore! I cried soft sobs, seeing what he has done for me… and seeing his soft eyes, forming tears of happiness as well! He looked so perfect! He is smiling, trying to control his sobs, for he got really overwhelmed by the scene. I too, became speechless, trying to absorb what is going on. Suddenly our friend, Ross, stood in front of us, wearing a cloak that is similar to that of a priest’s, and the ceremony started…

“Angel, you are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me! I can’t imagine myself, living my life without you! Even if this is not the real wedding I want to have with you, I just want to do this because I love you! I don’t want to see you with someone else but me!!! I promise that I’ll make this dream come true when the right time comes, but for now… this is the closest possible thing I can do to the wedding we are dreaming to have together. I love you more than my life!”

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“So that’s the guy I saw at the concert? Is he Sephie?” Youngbae suddenly asked, as he my shoulder, trying to comfort me.

“No. That guy is Minho, the reason of my puffy eyes right now. *chuckles* Sephie is my ex-boyfriend before Minho.” I laughed, trying to make the atmosphere feel lighter for I can see Youngbae’s expression being more serious than before…

“So, what happened to you and the Sephie guy? How did that perfect relationship end? I’m sorry for making you recall your past. I just think, it’ll ease your pain by letting it all out.” Youngbae said as he shook his head. I think he is disappointed with all the guys I’ve been with. I’m disappointed as well… I’m disappointed for letting myself be in such a bad relationship for so long…

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On the second year of our relationship, I excelled at school that’s why the teachers transferred me to the higher section of our batch. The time we usually spend together got lessened for our sections have the opposite time schedules. I started hearing about Mitch, the girl who won Ms Nursing in our campus. She is a very timid girl with a sweet and kind personality, capturing the attention of all the guys in our school! No guy in our school could ever resist her beauty, for all of them tried to win Mitch’s heart but no one succeeded... Until her path crossed Sephie’s. Her name keeps coming out whenever our friends talk to me about Sephie. They said, Sephie is extra sweet to her during class, and they also saw him with her in a restaurant, near Mitch’s place. I can’t blame her for falling for my boyfriend because Sephie really knows how to make a girl feel that she is everything to him…

There are signs which I just ignored unconsciously, because I love Sephie with my whole heart that time… I remembered that during the time when I hear gossips about Sephie, having an affair with Mitch, he would always hide his cell phone from me whenever we are together. Back then, I was so blinded by my love for him, that I didn’t realize that he is already doing something wrong! Whenever our friends tell me about Sephie and Mitch, I would always protect Sephie’s name and tell them that he is not the kind of person they think he is. I didn’t believe them of course because, how can I doubt Sephie’s love for me, with all the sweet things he has done for me before? I just couldn’t imagine that he would cheat on me! That sweet and innocent looking boy who did everything to win my heart can’t do that to me! But a day came, when I was walking inside our campus grounds and with my own two eyes, I saw them kissing behind a tree! My heart wants to stop beating the moment I saw that tragic scene. I died, watching them from afar, sharing the kiss that Sephie used to share only with me! I want to close my eyes and look away for it hurts as hell, but I just couldn’t!!! I think my eyes want me to watch it to finally awaken myself from the perfect relationship that I thought we still have! I need to see it with my own two eyes just to know the truth at last! I immediately called my cousin, Bommie, and cried on her shoulders... I feel so helpless! It was too painful!!! I want to die because it feels like it’ll hurt even more if I still get to live my life seeing Sephie in somebody else’s arms! He used to do that with me! He used to look at me with love in his eyes! He used to hug me and never let go for he is so afraid to lose me!!! And now that is exactly how he treats Mitch too?! How can he love two people at once?!

I know I got over Sephie 2 years ago… but the pain he brought me couldn’t be erased in my heart no matter what I do! He left a hole in my chest that will never be filled by anyone else! I still couldn’t believe that I experienced such kind of pain!!! Do I deserve to be hurt like this? When Minho came into my life, I thought he was the one who can fill that hole in my heart that Sephie made…But when he did the same, all the pain became worse, making my heart feel that it is in a never-ending suffering! Minho gave my heart back with a severe damage that cannot be repaired anymore… All the painful memories piled up that I keep on thinking of things I did wrong just to know the reason why I deserve this! But I can’t think of anything I’ve done bad for the heavens to let me be in so much suffering until now!!! Will I just accept that this is my destiny?! Am I not allowed to love? It seems like that to me now…

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“That’s how it ended? I thought your relationship lasted for four years…” Youngbae interestingly asked. He seems so curious of everything that happened to me for he just couldn’t look away! I think he’s afraid that he might miss something if he tries to look around…

“No. actually, I gave him a second chance. I forgave him after seeing him plead in front of me at the middle of our campus grounds, with all the students watching him beg for me to accept him back. I thought that by what he did, everyone in our campus will know that he will never cheat again... that he chose me over Mitch. Our relationship started all over again but it went on and off because I already lost my trust in him. I always get paranoid whenever I see him with other girls, giving them that sweet smile he always flashes when he is with me. I can still remember how he panics whenever he sees me holding his cell phone! Before Mitch came to our lives, he cannot raise his voice at me but when that bad event happened, everything changed... HE CHANGED. He can yell at me whenever he wants, wherever he likes. But even if we’re already struggling, we still tried to work things out for as long as possible. When he had his first job thou, after graduation, he did the exact same thing he did before… he cheated! And that’s how I lost myself during that time. The worst scenario happened---He got the girl pregnant, and I suddenly felt hopeless in reviving our relationship. He has to be manly enough to face the responsibility of becoming a father. I gave him his freedom so that he can marry the girl he now has a kid with.”

I am now looking at Youngbae who seemed to try and absorb everything he just heard. I can see in his eyes that he really feel sad for me, having those bitter moments I had with Sephie… I want to say sorry to him for bringing him sadness, instead of entertaining him the way two people usually do when they are on a date. He really looks as depressed as me now! Should I stop and just talk about something else now?

“Tsk. How can any guy break your kind heart like that? Damn. That’s really depressing. *sigh~ Even if I haven’t experienced being in a relationship before, I can already feel my heavy chest crumbling because of the pain you’ve been through! I already know how it feels to have your heart crushed into tiny bits… But you know, I think it is good to walk out from that kind of relationship because if you’re still together right now, he would just repeat every bad thing he has done and it’ll just break your heart even more!”

I stared at Youngbae, finding it very hard to speak. He is absolutely right! I thought, if I continued to pretend being blind and just continue on with our relationship, I’ll still get hurt more than ever! But I never thought that it’ll happen again when I entered another relationship, this time with Minho. When Minho came, I thought that he’s the one who can make me happy again. I can start a new chapter in my life, living my entire life with him. It really never came into my mind that he would do the same thing!!! Hmmm… I don’t know what to say now! I just want to stop talking to change the atmosphere and make Youngbae smile once more. I really felt bad for doing this. I felt like I suddenly made another person sad because of my own sadness!

“I think we should talk about you now… I honestly feel that I am now being a burden to you. Youngbae, I am really sorry…”

“No. it’s really okay. I’m the one who wanted this right? And I want to understand where your sadness comes from. Just let me listen to you… If ever I feel bored or anything, don’t worry… I will tell you right away!” Youngbae uttered as he showed me how he really wants to listen to my story. Why is he like this? I feel like I met the live version of Tam-tami! When I am writing to Tam-tami, that’s the only time I feel secured of letting all my secrets out! My diary is the only one who knows how bad my heart went through… and now I am sharing it to this man in front of me! He is just too nice, and a very gentleman too! And he makes me feel that I am doing the right thing now…

“Uhmm, excuse me? Can we join you? Is it okay? Haha. I miss you Dara dear!” CL suddenly appeared behind me! When Youngbae and I both smiled at her, we noticed Seungri and Bommie walking towards us as well.

“I told you to text me as soon as you get here right? What happened to that? Ai. Noona! You clearly aren’t listening to me earlier!” Seungri blurted out as soon as he got beside me. He really looked upset. I forgot about texting him because of this broken heart I just reminded myself of having!

“Ri, Mianhe. I forgot to text you. Anyway, *turns to Youngbae* Youngbae, this is Seungri---my brother, Bommie---our cousin, and CL---our friend.” I uttered as I introduced my loved ones to my new friend. Youngbae stood up, offering his seat to Bommie and grabbing a chair on the next table, while Seungri went to the other corner of the coffee shop to get two extra chairs for him and CL.

“Ssantokki. You’re talking about Sephie with your date? WHY??? Why are you doing this to Mr Taeyang?” Bommie blurted out as she pouted and shook her head. Did Riri tell her about what I did earlier? OOMYGHAAA~ She’s going to scold me after this….

“Err… I’m sorry. I am the one who insisted her to tell me everything. I just want to know why she’s been sad all the time. I want to know where she’s coming from. And I thought that this might help her feel better once she let all the pain out. Please don’t get disappointed with her. This is my idea. I am really sorry.” Youngbae answered as I became speechless for a moment. I know Bommie will get mad at me for bringing back the past, but I just want to try Youngbae’s way on making the pain go away… What if it works? And if it doesn’t, at least I’ve tried…

“She hasn’t told you about Minho yet? Well, I understand why… coz if Dara tells you all the pain she has been through, a day wouldn’t be enough! Haha.” Bommie replied, trying to joke on Youngbaae, but Yougbae still seem sad. Is my story really that burdening?

I still couldn’t talk, for I don’t know how to start bringing out the topic about Minho. I glanced at Youngbae who is now silently drinking his coffee while staring blankly on the rings on his fingers. He really looks affected. Now what do I do? I then looked at CL and Seungri who seem to be talking about Seungri’s performance. Then Bommie caught my attention---her eyes grew bigger and her lips pouted, signalling me to go to the washroom with her.We both stood up and excused ourselves from the group…

“Ri. Go and interrogate Mr Taeyang now! *chuckles* just kidding Mr Taeyang… We’ll be back. We’ll just go to the washroom and buy drinks after that, arasso?” Bommie smiled at the three and rolled her eyes at me, dragging me to the washroom. I think I know what she’s going to do… She’ll scold me again!

As soon as we got inside the washroom, Bommie instantly slapped my arm! “Tokki! What are you doing to yourself? What is this I heard about you, killing your heart, reading Minho’s letters again? *rolls eyes* Do you feel good whenever you torture yourself? You really don’t want to listen to what CL and I always tell you! I’m soooooo disappointed with you! Aishhhht!”

“So Riri told you what happened??? Ayyyy… that BRAT! He couldn’t really shut his big mouth!”

“Even if he didn’t tell me, I can see it in your swollen eyes! Tokki why????” Bommie asked as she folded her arms and rolled her eyes at me! This is because of GD! Grrr! I hate him!!!

“Something happened at YGE earlier… and it just reminded me of Minho…Mian Bommie…”

“What happened??? Did someone try to hurt you there? Why didn’t you tell me? Wait… I remembered something! Is that why you and Jiyongie are speechless earlier? What did he do to you? Did he harm you???? GRR! I thought that guy is different! Does he have a ‘celebrity complex’ like the other stars who know nothing but to be arrogant and cocky?? him! Is he a bad boy?!”

Bom is really protective of me. I remember when we were still kids, she would always punch my playmates whenever they bully me! But I hate her when she throws a lot of questions at me all at the same time! It annoys my eardrums! She became overprotective when Sephie hurt me… especially when Minho did the exact same thing!

“Why aren’t you answering? Even if that guy is a celebrity, I wouldn’t think twice on slapping his face! How dare him!! I wouldn’t break my promise on your mom’s grave! I’ll protect you until I die----remember??? Now tell me, did he harm you???”

“How can I speak when you keep on blabbering and asking me so many questions??? And I’m not a kid anymore!!! You don’t have to tell me what to do all the time! I can think for myself okay?! I can protect myself!! Ughh… Bommie! When will your mouth stop?” GOSH! I want to put glue on her lips now!! Why is she forcing me to tell her what happened earlier??? I don’t want to because that’s the happiest feeling I’ve felt that made my mind provoke me to remember the pain I’ve been through! I don’t need to be in love now! I don’t want to bring myself into so much pain anymore! LOVE KILLS INNOCENT PEOPLE! And to think that GD is a celebrity… and I almost fell for him??? That’s being too ambitious! That dream won’t come true!!!

“It’s because you didn’t answer any of my questions!!! TELL ME DARA!!! WHAT DID THAT ING GUY DO TO YOU, HUH???”

My mind is a mess right now! I just want her to stop talking and stressing me out! I can feel the heat went past my head already!  STOP IT BOM! STOP TALKING! STOP IT!!!!!-------------------------------

“WE KISSED, OKAY? WILL YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BLABBERING MOUTH, NOW??” I paused, astounded by what I just revealed… I just couldn’t control my anger anymore! I felt my mind shrunk because of hearing a lot of questions from Bommie. I got pressured! “TO BE FRANK, I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! HEARING YOUR SERMONS AND QUESTIONS… IT’S JUST… URGHHH! ANNOYING! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”

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