For the past two weeks, she lived with me. How much I’m bothered about her overprotective brother not hearing anything his range about looking for her. . .guess he really trust Myungsoo about keeping her.

And here’s Myungsoo, giving his exclusive trust on me about her.

For the past two weeks, she’s been nothing but getting more discreetly weird. Weird that each day, it’s scaring me. I want to have my eyes all the time to her to see every change, but she won’t let me. Once I did, but I wish I didn’t. That one day, that one fcuking day I ditch my class just to watch her without her knowing, I wish I just didn’t. . .

It was Thursday, it’s funny she will just call me by my name when I am going out, and whenever I arrive, and she will never fail to give me her kisses that would take my breath away only on those time and it’s me who always have to stop, and she will always giggle. Those are the only times I will see in her eyes she is only being herself, no stress, no fear, and no worries in her eyes. . .which always would happen.

But instead of heading to school, I stayed outside in my car. Thinking of how possibly I could see what she’s doing inside my place without her knowing, it was impossible I know. But after a few minutes I saw her going out, wearing those clothes I always tell her to stop wearing. And like a deer shot by headlights, I shot my head up following her.

She called a cab, and it was obvious in her face that she’s hurrying and. . .nervous. I immediately followed the cab, memorizing its plate number in case something happened.

I can’t help to worry, worry to things I couldn’t even explain. She went out without telling me, when I clearly told her to call me whenever she needs anything, even going out. I even had my number on her speed dial so she will have it easy to call me in case she forgot how and she does really call me even when she just talked to the security on our floor and told me he taught her how to ride the elevator. She calls me whenever she goes out, but not this time.

What if she goes back to her brother, and never come back?

What if she goes back to Lay? To Myungsoo?

The ride was taking long, and we reached the main city now, and my worries became lethal when I noticed the cab slowing down and turning to the drive lane of a hospital.

I knew something is wrong, but now finally proven after seeing it. . ..

She went out the cab took her wallet from her bag and suddenly paused for seconds, then minutes, she was just staring at her wallet, and I think I know what’s happening. She forgot, to pay, to count how much she has to pay. . .or maybe worse. I wanted to go down and do it for her, but I can’t.

The driver went out the cab and was trying to talk calmly on her, she just looked back at the driver, opening, maybe trying to speak but no words are coming out. It was the driver went in front of her, looked at her wallet and checks her bills. He took a bill, enough to cover her fare, and the driver was too kind to even send her inside the entrance of the hospital.

It was the opposite scene of a young one assisting an old one. I just can’t help to feel. . .I can’t even explain how I feel about it.

I had valet to park my car in the hospital, it was that hospital that is not just some hospital, it has its specialty, and just thinking on what’s the hospital’s forte in treatments, I frowned. . .it can’t be.

I followed her, careful for her not to notice. It was hard seeing her always asking questions where. Like she would ask every person wearing uniform she saw just to ask where she was supposed to go. I never thought that just following her, and watching her like this is hard, hard that it hurts.

One good nurse finally accompanied her to where she’s supposed to go. The nurse noticed me following her, but she remained silent which made me mouth her my thank you.

They reached a door, and the nurse calmly told her it was the room. I remained far from her, after she went in the room, the nurse walked towards me.

“Glad someone went with her this time, she’s been going here every week alone.” She spoke, with such relief in her tone, and I can’t open my mouth. So she goes here every week, yet every time she goes here, she has to ask for the directions. Is it that bad now?

I don’t know what to say, until my mouth did, “She doesn’t know I followed her.”

The nurse shook her head, “Yes, she doesn’t want it. I’m surprised it wasn’t her brother. Are you a friend?”

I wanted to say no, because I am not a friend, after a month, I m just not a friend, “Yes.”

She smiled, “Glad to know she has a. . .,” she paused, “a friend now,” she glanced back at the room, “Just wait after, it usually takes a day for her to be here, taking tests and shots.” She smiled again and left.

I wanted to call her back and ask her everything I want to know now, standing in front of here is making me more stupid despite everything around me is screaming of what is the answer.

Walking towards in front of the door where Jinhan went, I read the name hang on the door, with the doctor’s name written in bold, and its concentration written below in italic.

.

. . .studies.

It was in front of me, screaming in front of me, yelling me the answer about every question I have from Jinhan. . .

She’s not just sick, but terribly sick. . .and God only knows. . .dammit.

I thought I prepared myself about this, I did. Since I find everything is so unusual about her, but hitting it me now, no matter how prepared I had myself, I can’t make myself ready enough for this.

Around noon, she went out with the doctor. Guiding her out, while she holds her bottle on her hand. It was lunch, I laughed on my own. It was her food, yes.

I decided not to follow, I still couldn’t. . .my brain, refuses to believe everything. I stayed there sitting, laying my back on the wall looking at the ceiling, wishing it could give me something to calm my thoughts, my brain, my confusion, my fear, my everything.

I wish I didn’t follow her here, but I’m glad I did.

It was around 5 o’clock when the doctor hailed a cab, and gave the driver the instruction, and he even paid. I had the face of the doctor marked on my memory; I know in the future I have to meet him. Maybe not now, not tomorrow but I will definitely meet him.

I followed the cab where Jinhan was, see her get off it, and smiled at the guard when she went in the building. I stayed for good thirty minutes in my car. Still thinking, but all I could think of is how much I am so sick of still feeling the same, so sick that the feeling is not just the same but it’s getting stronger. And I don’t care of anything now.

19:00, I’ve decided.

Pressing my code, I turned the handle. The moment it clicked, I heard her voice being always cheerful.

“You’re here!” and she immediately hugged me, her warmth all over me. Still wearing her eyeglasses, it’s only a few times I saw her not wearing them, only when she’s doing nothing.

I expected her to kiss me, but she didn’t, which I noticed too, she didn’t call me by my name.

Oh , not now please Jinhan. Not now, it’s me Luhan not Yixing. I was suddenly anxious. I want her to know me as me, just for tonight.

Running my hands ran in front my face, God, please just tonight.

“Did you eat dinner? I bought something!” she was on her usual jolly and excited self. I just looked at her and smiled, pretending everything is fine.

“You went out?” I didn’t even realize my voice came out like I am so tired when she frowned how my voice sounded. I cleared my throat, “You went out and didn’t tell me huh?”

“Nooo! No!” she was shaking her head too much, with her hands waving in front me, “I. . .I asked an ahjumma down to buy these for me.”

It was so cute how she panicked, I automatically smiled. I wish I could forget today if she keeps being like this, but she hasn’t called me by my name.

“You should eat now, you look so tired.” She prepared my food, placing them out from the paper bag.

“What did you do today?” I want her to talk, to keep on talking until she mentions my name.

She snaps her head at me like caught on something, sure she was, but I remained unapparent.

“I just slept the entire day, and. . .” she was looking at me which I find so odd, ”and. . .” she was still looking at me, that look I can’t even explain, and if she keeps on doing this. . .

I broke the eye contact, “and read?”

“No.” it was only that, I waited for her to continue, but she didn’t.

I sat at the stool at the kitchen where she had my foods prepared and started eating. She just stood in front of me, watching me eat.

“Why don’t you sit, and stop staring at me I know I’m handsome.” I chuckled, she would chuckle too in usual times, but she didn’t. I looked at her, and she sat down at the stool.

She remained silent, watching me ate. I was eating pasta, I could feel her watching me as I twirl my fork on the pasta.

“How was school?” she asked, and I paused twirling on my pasta and continued again. She was like hitting me back what I did to her, catching me off guard. I thought she was doing that, but before I could answer, she spoke and I clanked down my fork on my plate.

“How was Luhan?” she was leaning on the table, like some kid eager to hear some fairy tale.

I looked up, looked at her. All I need now is. . .her to call my name.

“He’s good.” Still staring at her, wishing it could make her realize that it was Luhan looking deep into her.

She pouted, and her forehead fell on her arms folded on the table. “I want to see him, I miss him.” She was whining, no matter how I find it childishly cute, it hurts.

She looked back at me, “Do you think I could see him? He doesn’t have to know. Dammit Yixing help me.”

I remained silent; she had her forehead leaning on her arm again. I keep swallowing, please don’t cry.

“I think I’m having visual hallucinations now Yixing.” She said, and fcuk every hair in my body rose up, I cringed of what she said. She doesn’t have to admit it, or think about it.

She started sobbing, “Sometimes. . .” she sobbed, “no, it’s not happening sometimes.” I waited for her, I told myself to calm, despite fighting off this. . .”Always, I. . .sorry Yixing.” And she started crying.

“Sorry for what?” I hardly said, my voice were muffled like I’m about to grieve crying.

“I always see you as Luhan. Right now I see Luhan in you now. Yixing, this is so hard.” She was crying hard, her head still leaning down, “I thing if I see him, this stupid hallucination would stop Yixing help me.”

I couldn’t stop it anymore; tears were flowing down my eyes. I choked, “Jinhan.”

She continued to cry, “I miss him so much, and I am even seeing him in you.” She was sobbing, choking and coughing. “I wish he could think of me even just once.” Silence, and she looked up at me, and I was crying.

She looked at me, stared. . .opened to speak, but she closed it back.

All I could do is look at her eyes, how red it was from crying, how her face is all flush, until she said it, what all I’ve been waiting for.

“Luhan?”

I don’t know what happened, but the next thing I know is I am in front of her. . .kissing her hard.

I kissed her, nibbling her lower lip, my hands holding her face against me. She remained still but not pushing me, I pulled away, “Who am I?”

I could hear her breathing hard, just breathing hard, my tears running down, “Who am I?”

“Luhan.” She said so carefully, like it was finally sinking in her, and I kissed her again, and she was kissing me back, opening she welcomed me, our tongue dsncing and embracing, I pulled away.

“Listen,” I swallowed, “All this time you are with Luhan okay?” another swallow I did, and she was breathing hard, “and all this time Luhan misses you every single day, single hour, single minute, and every second all Luhan could think is you, okay?” and she was just staring back in my eyes, like making sure it was Luhan.

“Now, who am I?” I asked again.

“Luhan.” And I kissed her again, she smiled and kissed back. I pulled away, asking her one last thing I need to know.

“And Luhan, who is me, loves you okay? I love you so much.” After I said that, I saw her eyes panicked, and before she could do anything else, “Now do you love me?”

She was just looking at me, open and swollen; I started kissing her forehead, “I love you,” and her temples, “I love you,” down to her eyes. “I love you,” to her nose, to her cheeks, to her ears, every part I would say “I love you,” and when at her lips, I asked again, “Do you love me Jinhan?”

And tears started welling up her eyes, running down her cheeks, she nodded. I can’t be satisfied with a nod, I need to hear it, “Say it.”

“I love you so much, I love you-“ it was enough for me, to know she loves me, maybe not as much I love her, but she loves me. The feeling was too much for me, when everything is all said.

I was kissing her, her arms wrapped on my neck, my hands went to her waist, pushing her up to sit on the table, I leaned on her, making her legs wrapped on my waist. Still kissing, now I got to really see how he could kiss to kill, I pulled away. “Now, make love to me.”

I know she won’t, but I need to. I have to; I don’t think anyone could stop me from doing this, not her, no. And much to my surprise, she didn’t stop me.

I carried her, her legs still wrapped on my waist, her arms wrapped around my neck, still we were kissing, our tongue fighting for dominance; I laid her to my bed.

“I love you,” I said again. And she smiled, like peace finally hit her eyes, she was smiling genuinely, tucking her hair on her ear, I want to see her face. If I could keep my eyes on her face the entire time I make love with her, I will.

“I love you too. . .” her hands touching my face, from my eyes, to my nose to my lips, I had to close my eyes just to feel her,  her thumb stopped at my lower lip nibbling it, and giggled “Barbie.”

I smiled with the name, I learned to like it. And remembering how she my finger before from the melting chocolate, I opened my mouth and had her thumb in my mouth, I did the same and I wonder how she could do this.

I ignored the thought of her letting me do this, but it bothered me. All I could think now is her, to take her, to love her, for us to be one. . .and I don’t care of anything else.

*8*8*

I woke up around 1:00 am, feeling a sudden cold, wondering why I was facing on the other side when I remember sleeping hugging her. I opened my eyes and images from what we did flooded me, silly smiling about it, I turned back to where she was supposed to be, she’s gone.

I told myself that she didn’t. . .I don’t want to think she left. But I saw a piece of paper tucked under the pillow she used, she wrote something. . .something enough to make everything turn upside down.

Barbie,

           I want to thank you, for everything, I never thought how great it feels to be loved. Please never forget me, please. I might forget everything, but I will try my best to remember.

            You’ll have them today after you read this, thank you, and good bye.

 xoxo, Jinhan