“How was school?” she asked showing interest, all smiling as always.

“It’s fine.” Smiling back at her. “Why are you wearing eye glasses? Those have grade?” I’m surprised to see her in those eye glasses, though not thick rimmed, but wearing those would make her image the complete nerd, but it looks good on her.

“Oh, this.” Having her finger touch the side of her eye glasses, “I’m reading, I need to use these.” She smiled again.

I glanced behind her checking out what she was reading, and an open copy of College Algebra? I was thinking of books that are novels, fiction, but not textbooks. As I glanced around her place, most of the books are textbooks.

“Textbooks?” I frowned, “I thought you’re reading a new book, but textbooks?” I watched her as she looked tensed with what I noticed. “You’re the best at Calculus, why read back College Algebra?”

“You had your dinner already?”

“No not yet. I’ll cook, just wait here.” I started my steps to the kitchen, and it suddenly hit me. She didn’t answer my question and instead, asked me a question that distracted me. Something is wrong with it, seen that on how she tensed when I noticed those books, but what could be wrong about her reading those kinds of books?

Remembering I’m only the one eating, I decided to make myself a ramen. A food where almost everyone is the best at. Choosing what ramen to eat, I called Jinhan. It was silly, but thinking she’s here in my place but not seeing her is bothering me. I’m used of her always talking to me, but now, here in my own place; it looks like she stays away from me. I remember when I brought her with me at the house, she made it sure she’s always around me and that made me annoyed, she loves to hover me.

“Jinhan!” I called, after a few minutes she came in the kitchen without her eye glasses, standing about four meters away from me; I asked her what instant ramen I should eat.

“Which one do you think I should eat? This one?” I showed my right hand with the spicy ramen, “Or this one?” showing my left hand with the no spice ramen.

I watched her as I wait her pick which one, a few seconds passed, she was just staring on my hands. Blinking unnecessarily too much than the usual and frowning. I frowned.

“Jinhan?”

“That one.” She reached out her arm to point on my right hand, but I find it weird that she has to point it out with her finger, and she was still frowning.

Waving my right hand, “This one? Didn’t know you like spicy too huh?” ignoring how bothering she was acting, I chuckled at her choice.

“No, that one.”

And I think I can’t ignore it now.

She was still pointing on my right, and on my right is the spicy ramen, but she said no.

“This one?” I asked her carefully, like an older talking to a child, “This spicy one?”

She sighed, like getting annoyed. “No, that one beside it!”

I looked on my right hand, aside from the spicy ramen on my hand nothing is on it, but she was insisting the one beside it. And fcuk if I didn’t know something is wrong I’d be fcuking crept out with that nothing that she is pointing.

I need not to be obvious.

“This red one?” for the third time, I shook the packed ramen on my right.

“Aissht! I said this one!” she walked near me getting annoyed, pointing to that one. My eyes followed that finger she was pointing until she got near me. Her hand ready to grab that one she was pointing, and when her hand was almost a centimeter away from the actual ramen I was holding. . .she grabbed on nothing. .

Seeing the shock on her face when she’s supposed to grab that one but grabbed nothing, I have to force the actual ramen on my hand on her grab to pretend that she grabbed the right thing. .

She grabbed the ramen I forced on her grasp hard, like she’s going to crush it. And she looked at it for seconds until she had her hands covering her face realizing what happened.

Not finding my tongue to say something; dropping the ramen on the table I pulled her to me.

I hugged her so tight, “What is wrong Jinhan?” and asking that question, for the first time I want to cry. There’s definitely wrong, with these things happening, it’s scaring the hell out of me.

Feeling her head shook on my chest, “Nothing, but I swear I saw you holding two ramen on your right hand.” And again she was crying, still covering her face.

My eyes pricked, “But I was just,” I choked, swallowing this hard lump on my throat, “I was just holding one.” And when I said the last word, I thought I’m going to cry.

She cried harder on my chest, not pulling her hands on her face. “I don’t know Yixing, I don’t know!”

For the second time she called me Yixing. And I couldn’t stop my eyes from moistening.

“Shhhh, you must be tired. Come come, let’s get you to bed.” I hugged her tightly, calming her back. I suddenly don’t know what to do. This is so fcuking hard.

I walked her to bed, making her lay down, her hands still covering her face, not crying but sobbing. She immediately turned her back on me when I put her on the blanket. I sat beside her, staring at her back, and she said something that I find very irritating.

“Yixing, don’t tell this to Luhan please.” She paused, and continued. . .”He’ll say I’m a freak.”

And I couldn’t stand it, I stood up. Giving out all my strength to keep my tears from coming out.

“I’m going out for awhile okay?” I was choking my words, “You’ll be fine alone okay?”

She nodded, and as long I hated to leave her alone, I need to.

Closing the door of my room, I pulled out my phone and pressed the speed dial to that person. After a few rings, he answered.

“Where are you?”

After the answer I needed, I hung up and immediately went down to my car, driving on where he is.

*8*8*

“Luhan.”

“Yixing, what the is wrong with Jinhan?” I couldn’t wait to pull out the question; the words came out me when I stepped down my car.

He just stared at me.

“Yixing I kno-“

“Something is wrong with her.” He said it with such no emotion like he was hit.

I grabbed a fistful of my hair from frustration, “I know!” breathing out a curse, “I fcuking know Yixing!”

I waited for him to fill out the details, but I received nothing. ‘Yixing you’ve been with her all these times, tell me.” I was pleading, and I don’t give a fcuk how Yixing looks at me now, I need to know.

“Luhan, it’s. . .” he turned around searching or what he’s going to say next, “I don’t know Luhan, I fcuking don’t know either!” and finally yelled his frustrations.

“The competitions, do you know those competitions she rejected? Do you know why she dropped?” Yixing asked me like he’s accusing me of those, “Do you know why the hell she stopped tutoring?”

I could only breathed hard as I watched Yixing asked those with annoyance.

“Because she can’t!”

“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling stupid that I know nothing.

“She can’t. . .” he swallowed. “On her last days of her classes, she asks me to do her lab works, ask Woohyun for her assignment, asks Xiumin for her hematology lab works, she asks anyone to do her paper works, why? Because she can’t answer them.” In gritted teeth, Yixing continued. “She can’t even answer what’s ing valence of oxygen, Luhan. And you know that is impossible knowing how fcuking smart she is!”

I could only watch Yixing as he said every word, having the flashbacks of seeing textbooks with her awhile ago.

“Do you know how many times she asked me if I know you? If I know Luhan who is my friend? She asked me that every single day.” Pain was too visible on Yixing’s eyes, “And I always have to pretend that what’s happening is normal.”

“Luhan,” he breathed out. “She forgets, it was certain. I don’t know why, but how could she ing forget how to type on her phone? How could she forget how to twist a cap of a bottle to open it? How could she forget to write her name but always know every letter of your name? She’s forgetting even simple things! Luhan it’s frustrating not to know why!”

“What happened to her today?” Yixing broke my trance as he asked me that question.

“She told me. . .she told me she can’t swallow solid foods, that explains why she’s always with that bottled drink,” I paused, remembering that painful scene just happened awhile ago, “Just awhile ago, she said she saw two, when I was just holding one. And she’s calling me you, Yixing.” And the last word, my energy drained, my face fell on both hands of mine. “What is happening?”

I feel hopeless, when I thought everything is so good, going to be better, but it’s all turning out to getting worse.

“Just stay with her, and Luhan. . .pretend.”

I glanced up to look at him, frowning.

“Just pretend, if she’s seeing you not as Luhan. Just pretend you know nothing, or pretend as me. She doesn’t want ‘Luhan’ to know these things are happening to her.”

I sudden pang hit me; she doesn’t want me to know, remembering what she told me earlier. I nodded, preparing myself for what’s going to happen.

“She loves you Luhan, she’d been broken and you know why. I am begging you to not do it worse this time.”

I stood up, walking away. I had too much, and I love her, yes. No, I’m not going to break her.