“I. . .I actually don’t eat.” Looking down, murmuring and feeling sorry about the breakfast I prepared for her. She finally managed to say while gripping the cap of the bottle of what I’ve noticed she used to have every meal.

I frowned, understanding what she said after minutes of hesitation of not telling me. She doesn’t eat or, ”You’re allergic to eggs? Bacon?” I asked, wishing any of what I said is the reason.

“No, I. . .” she hesitated more. “Luhan I do not eat.” She breathed out, opened to say something and closed them again to shut. It’s silly how I would notice every simple action she does, but she continued, “I do not eat solid foods.”

“What?” Why should be the word coming out my mouth, but disbelief overpowered it than the knowing the reason behind it. She doesn’t eat, yes. She doesn’t eat solid food, for fcuking eggs yes, what?

I sensed her frustration, her shoulders slumping down. She’s forcing herself of something I couldn’t figure out. “I can’t swallow-- my throat. . .” and with the word throat her hand immediately wrapped around her the front of her neck, “My throat cannot swallow solid foods. That’s why I have this.” Pushing forward the bottle I thought she just had the habit of drinking it, some sort of favorite drink, but now it made sense. The ing rink is her food.

“Are you sick?” If I was worried with of the unusual things I notice about her before, now I am more worried of what she was admitting me. She can’t eat. She can’t swallow. What the fcuk. And right after I said those words, panic shot her eyes and she immediately shook her head.

“No! No! No! I am no, this is normal.” Normal-- , I had to keep awake remembering you are sweating at night, and you really still sweat at last night. There is definitely something wrong. “I just had some sore throat that’s been making my throat like this.”

My teeth were clenching, sore throat? A ing sore throat, the first time I saw you with the fcuking bottle was when you treated me at the café because I attended your hematology class and that is fcuking long months ago. A fcuking sore throat lasting for months. . . Jinhan. Jinhan.

As if she sensed my conflict, she held my wrist and dragged me to sit. “Aiyooo~ ignore it, Luhan. I am not sick okay?” she gave me that assuring smile, that smile always making me lost and just want to look at her. “Now eat. I really appreciate you cooking for me, preparing all this, but I am really sorry.” She explained, staring hardly at the foods.

She moved to the other side, making herself sit on the stool in font me.

She sighed, looking intently to the foods. And suddenly she held her palms covering her face, her elbows above the table.

“Jinhan.”

And she was sobbing, “No. No.” she shook her head, not pulling away her hands covering her face.

“I wanted to eat everything.” She was now crying, not showing her face. I want to walk on her side, but the image of her sitting in front of me being like this had my feet stuck. “I want to eat everything.” She said again, “I always wished to eat the foods you cook, and now that you cooked for me,” she choked, “For me, and I can’t.” and that’s when she cried harder still covering her face, her palms making her words muffled. “I can’t eat them, I can’t eat them! I want to be greedy, and keep them all and eat them when I finally could but I can’t, I will never had the chance to eat them!”

It was too much to take; the feeling of anger and sorrow pouring out her tears. I stood up, making a loud scratch on the floor with my chair, “No. Stay there.” She demanded with a sudden cold tone, “Don’t come near me please.”

All I could do is look at her. A few seconds; she was wiping her tears now. Her eyes red and swollen, her face flushed, she sniffed, choked. “Ignore me. I’m very sorry,” and she looked at me and smiled, my mouth opened to say something but, “Please, eat your food, you’re going to be late.” Like nothing happened, she acted like nothing happened. Keeping it cool and usual but her face tells the truth.

It’s frustrating.

Damn frustrating since all I could do is watch, just fcuking watch.

I wanted to know what’s happening, but probing would get me away. It’s scaring the hell out of me more than knowing I could die later or tomorrow. I’d keep my eyes on her, will keep my eyes on everything. . .everything on her.

*8*8*

I went to my classes, like normal.

, after yesterday I don’t think everything is normal. She said she’s fine alone on my pad, it’s okay leaving her alone there and I trusted her on that.

Class discussions won’t even sink in my head as every fcuking second I could only think of her. It was fcuking stupid, but as every second passed without knowing something, I worry more. I am ing scared of something I do not even know of, this is getting worse. Dammit!

Lunch break came; I would stay at the usual café where we used to eat. I had myself prepared to eat alone, but I’m surprised to see Xiumin in there, and the guy I thought who would be there isn’t there. . . Zhang Yixing.

“How is she?” I hadn’t taken my seat when he started asking me. Xiumin has his food in front of him already and has started eating already.

I smiled, glancing around wanting to see Yixing. “She’s fine. Better.”

“That’s good;” he nodded, I thought it would end like that but, “I hope she heals from the trauma fast. You know, she got —“

“She’s not .”

Xiumin held his palms up as if surrendering, “Okay, Okay. She’s not.” His attention went back to his food, “I knew it! You have a thing for her.”

 Ignoring it and placing my food in front me, I asked for Yixing, “Where is Yixing?”

Xiumin’s head snapped up and pursed his lips in wonder, he shrugged. “After yesterday, I didn’t saw him.” He suddenly cleared his throat, “Ahhm, Luhan. . . Tao-“

“I don’t want to hear anything from the fcuking bastard.” My voice came mad but not loud. Just the mention of his name is making knuckles white.

“Okay.”

We ate in silence; Xiumin probably went uncomfortable after I shut him up about Tao.

“Ahhh! I remember, Myungsoo was looking for you this morning.” He was done eating when he said that, I know he waited for his food to finish before he told me that, “He wanted to tell you something?” he shrugged and stood up, glancing on his watch, “I forgot I got lab tests to work today, I’m getting late. I’m going first!” he smiled as he walked fast out.

What’s wrong with the sudden rush?

*8*8*

It was before I go home when I went to see Myungsoo. It was unusual when he told me to meet him on some bench at the field.

I saw him sitting coolly his arms spread on the back of the bench, his left ankle resting on his right knee. And when he noticed me, he sat up properly, and suddenly thought he’s really eager to see me.

“How is she?” I knew it; from the very first person I met today—that’s their first words to me. And now, the words coming from Myungsoo, knowing how he fcuking cares for Jinhan, I felt the sudden urge of just shutting my mouth.

It took me a few seconds to give him the answer, “She’s fine.” I sat in front of him, matching how cool he is in this situation; I crossed my arms on my chest.

He breathed out, air puffing out his nose, he was expecting me to say something more, but I am not giving him that something more.

This man in front of me, this man in front of me, this man whom I’ve known to be one of the strongest-- physically and emotionally, but showed his tears in front of me just because of Jinhan. . . I suddenly thought of my worth.

“I’m putting my trust to you now to protect her.”

I frowned, “What?”

“It was over, it’s between the two of you now.” The look Myungsoo is giving me speaks of too much trust, “I have nothing to do now,” the sudden move on his throat caught my attention, “The only move I am keeping is if you. . .” he swallowed again, the atmosphere went serious, and his eyes started to moist as he looked away from me, “Tao is out the school now, no single university is going to accept him here in Seoul, and near cities beside Seoul.”

The sudden change of subject caught me off-guard, but he continued. . . “I talked to him. He was sorry.” And I know he did something more, just talking is never Kim Myungsoo. A tinge of pity burned in me to my old friend, but I kept it ignored. “Nothing happened.”

As he said his last words, I know what he meant about. I leaned towards the table, “How are you taking this so calm? You believed Tao nothing happened?” the thought of playing his judgment to the bastard who tried to do something to the woman he’s been protecting irked me.

And he looked at me straight in the eye, “Yes, he told me everything.” He paused, “He’s lucky enough to be saved.” The smirked Myungsoo gave scares me, “He’s alive and standing, don’t think too much.” And with his next sentence he chuckled alone by himself. “Jinhan saved her, lucky bastard.”

My eye brows dug deep, “What is happening?” I’ve been dying to ask, the words came out my mouth like I’ve been too tired, fcuk. I’ve been too tired thinking. Myungsoo knows something, the thought of begging him to tell me everything is at the edge of pride.

“Just take care of her, stay with her, do anything to make her. . .” and the way Myungsoo looked deep into my eyes, dug down in me, “Make her happy.”

My teeth clenched, “I know you like her, I know you could do anything to have her, I know-- dammit Myungsoo why are you doing this!” I couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing Myungsoo this vulnerable like I offended him like no one else have ever had is making my insides curl.

“You.” I watched Myungsoo tensed, and about to spit his words on me, “You don’t know how I fcuking love Jinhan. How I have never felt such damn strong feeling to any woman, but her.”

The sudden confession, though no matter how I prepared myself to hear it, it caught me off guard. And all I could do is take the torture.

Myungsoo broke the eyes contact, “But I’m a fcuking coward.” he said those words like it took all his energy, now he was breathing hard. Looked away, and the same words came out again from him.

“But I’m a fcuking coward, Luhan.”

Confusion flooded me, it’s like a different Myungsoo is in front me. Myungsoo could take any woman he wants, with or without anyone getting in, he’ll have any woman he wants but not Jinhan.

“I don’t think I could love her that much. No, I can’t.” Myungsoo continued, and I wanted to leave. I don’t want to hear anymore, I had too much.

“Now all I’m waiting is for you give her up. . . too, see how brave you can go.” The sudden disgust on his face wanted me to punch him hard.

“Well guess what I am not a coward like you.” The sudden rush of challenging him came out. I wanted to prove I won’t be a coward, for once I had already let myself fall, and I’m risking all out.

“I’m not a coward.” I repeated, and I thought I’d see dispute in him but no- the next words came out from him, I wanted to prove him. . .

“Please. Don’t be a coward. Be brave. Be braver than me, for her.”

It was too much, I had to leave.

One thing for sure, I’ll prove him no matter it takes. . .I will not give her up.

I am not a coward.

*8*8*

I forgot that someone was in my pad, Jinhan.

When I had my code entered and opened the door, she called out my name.

“Luhan?”

I didn’t answer; I somehow want her to walk out to check me. And only a few minutes she came out wearing something. . .

“Luhan!” and she came skipping towards me. I thought she would crush herself on me for a hug but no, it wasn’t a hug but a kiss.

A deep kiss as her body hugged me, my body feeling all her warmth and her tight embraced on my neck and all I could do is kiss back and held her close. But before our tongues get involved, she pulled away and I was breathing hard. A fcuking good kisser this woman is.

“I miss you.” And he smiled, and I don’t how to respond, the kiss still had its effect on me. I opened my mouth, but she stole a kiss with her tongue. “I told you I love kissing.” She chuckled, pulling away from her hug from me. She continued. . .

“Just kissing.” I know what it meant; I only chuckled as she giggled.

And I swear to any God, at that moment.

I will love this woman, no matter how cruel and against the universe is to us.

*I apologize for the long wait, it's just today I got so happy. kkk And others know why. Thanks!