“Where is she?”

I managed to spoke, but my words shook. Despite feeling numb, feeling blank, feeling lost, feeling. . .

My hale drained, and suddenly I felt vulnerable.

I lost my sight of Yixing, I found myself staring at nothing trying to decipher what he said, but all I could think of is where she is, and my hand trembled as my nails dug into my palm.

“Where is she?”

My mouth spoke on its own again, and my eyes found Yixing standing a few meters away from me, as if the picture where we’re in just sunk into me.

“Where the is she Yixing.” My lips trembled as I spoke again.

Yixing was blinking unnecessarily as he returned my glare at him, “She. . .she. . .she’s at the tutori-“

I didn’t wait for him to finish, I had my heels turned and run.

I was running, running, running so fast like my life depended on how fast I could run, and I don’t think I have ever ran so fast as I’m running now.

My brain forced me to think of how the fcuk I am going to face her after all I did, after all those fcuking things I did to her, and here I am running my life for her as she’s going to die any minute now.

But my all my mind could think is Jinhan, Jinhan, Jinhan. . .

I skipped the stairs running two steps forward, bunking anyone on my way until I reached the tutorial floor where I know she’s always with teaching lower years when she has nothing do.

My head snapping everywhere looking for the sight of her, its adrenaline rush how I could still manage to stand here sane.

Only a few students were scattered, they all had their glance on me, eyes curious.

It’s been seconds, and I haven’t seen any sight of her. I wanted to scream, scream the fcuk where the hell is she. The panic in me is rising to the point I know I couldn’t control it anymore.

Jinhan, Jinhan, Jinhan. . .

I stood in the middle of aisle, still craning my neck everywhere to see her. . .already feeling hopeless.

Jinhan, Jinhan, Jinhan. . .where the-

Until I had my eyes down, there she stood a few feet from me.

She was looking at me, straight. With a face I couldn’t understand, but our eyes were locked.

I blinked, she didn’t. Again, I blinked, that moment I want to cry.

It took me seconds to roam my eyes on her figure, still the same; her short hair running down above her shoulder, with the same long skirt to her ankle, long knitted sleeves, and a think scarf wrapped tightly in front of her neck, she’s all too wrapped up, and it isn’t winter.

Paler. Skinnier. .

She blinked, and I thought tears are going to spill in her eyes but she immediately turned around and walked away, and it took me awhile to realize she’s walking away from me, I trotted.

“Jinhan.”

I walked behind her, I could just grab her arm to face me, but I can’t make myself touch her.

“Jinhan, talk to me please.” I begged, the urge to hold her is overpowering me and she continued walking towards the stairs hearing nothing.

“Jinhan!” and the urge to grab her shoulder won, I held her shoulder and she immediately jerked it off, I tried grabbing her arm again, but she was restraining, like my hand is some burning iron.

“Jinhan, stop!” I held a tight grip on her shoulder, and she started to panic. She was running down the stairs pulling her arm away from me, but I my grip won’t lose.

“Don’t touch me.” She said, and there’s no tone when she said it, I expected her to be. . . “Please. No, don’t touch me.” She wasn’t being the usual, and it’s scaring me. Pulling her arm because she didn’t want to, but she exerted no force to her arm when I gripped it.

I pulled her, hoping she could be near me, but that’s when she started to panic again, pulling her arm away again, pushing me, repeating don’t touch me again and again, and she’s gone hysterical when I came closer to her, so near I had her trapped on the wall, she continued until I had her cornered at the stairs until she grew tired, and I felt her falling.

She started screaming, sobbing, then crying, and crying so hard; slipping down her back on the wall, she was covering her face. I stood, as she slipped down, sitting on the floor, and I kneeled in front of her.

It’s always that scene, that scene of panic; restraint and trauma about having people touch a victim. And I couldn’t bear experiencing it, not with her.

 “Jinhan this is me, Luhan. Jinhan!” I held her face between my palms, but she would keep her face down, and would move her head away.

“Jinhan, it’s me!” and she refused to recognize me, to look at me, I keep having her face on my hold but she would keep it away.

And the scene was so painful, too painful for me to stand, what the happened.

She was crying harder now, her face all drenched of her tears, pushing me away. All I could do now is too keep my tears away, I couldn’t cry.

“Jinhan,” I held her face composed now, having her soaked cheeks on my palms, “Jinhan, this is me, Barbie. Please look at me.” And like some cruel trick, at the mention of Barbie, she stared at my eyes, and the next thing happened. . .she was hugging me so tight.

It was too much, too much. She was hugging me so tight, not wanting to let go. I hugged her, having that same inebriating effect of how she would fill my olfaction.

I hushed, and hushed, until she calmed down.

“I’m here okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to hurt you.”

She dug her face on my neck as she hugged me, still crying, not harder, “Barbie. . .” she keeps saying between her sobs, once heard Luhan, but the rest was, Barbie-- the name she gave me.

“I’m here, don’t cry. Don’t.” My hand rand up and down her back, drawing circles, calming her.

She moved away from me, and it was an image of a child, after crying, her face all flushed. Tears spilling her face, she wiped it with her hands, and it hit me that I needed to know something from her, and tht’s when I noticed the loop on her scarf came loose, and the sight of her neck with. . ..

The panic was obvious on her eyes as I stared on her neck, she tried covering it up but I held her wrist tight.

“Who. . .did that?”

“No. . .-“

“Who did that Jinhan.” I was gritting my teeth, my hands started to shake again, but not with panic, with anger.

“It’s not-“

“Who the did that to you!” I yelled, she jerked. Just seeing those marks, those bruises on her neck, it was obvious. . .it’s damn stating the ing obvious, but my brain is refusing.

She shook her head, she started sobbing and covering her face with her palms.

“Tell me Jinhan, who did this.” I tried to be calm, but the demon in me is rising, I don’t know what I could do to whoever name that would come out .

“Jinhan who.” My frustration is peaking up too as she keeps her head from shaking.

“You won’t, “ she sobbed, I opened my mouth to speak but- “believe- no. It’s nothing.” She said with her face on her palms, her words murmuring beneath.

I held her face up, how I wish she’s just scared to tell me, but fcuk no. It’s because I don’t trust her.

“Tell me Jinhan, tell me. Please.” I begged, and I can’t stop my hands from shaking.

“Tao.”

The feeling was worse than hearing she was from Yixing, the air was out my lungs.

“You don’t have to be-“ she choked, and it was dreadful.

“Stay here.” I stood up, but making sure the words to stay where she is sinking in to her.

My mind is lost, I don’t know what I could ing do any moment right now.

“Stay the here okay? Do not move a ing muscle.” I was cursing too much, my anger is consuming me.

It wasn’t anything else I heard from her, but “You’re cursing. . .a lot.” And that painful curve to smile at the end of my lips formed, and it’s making my chest hurt more.

“Stay the here okay?” and she just stared at me.

I walked. . .walked calmly, and when I know she couldn’t see me anymore, I ran. Running to where the hell Tao is, and how the rain poured hard outside is not helping me.

Ignoring the rain, I ran under it, running to any place where Tao could possibly be at. And I couldn’t ing see the bastard is, the coldness is seething through me, but I wasn’t shaking from coldness, but with too much anger, anger that I’ve never been in my life.

I’m afraid of what I could do to Tao, I won’t be sorry. The demon in me, I couldn’t tame, I wouldn’t tame.

I checked every possible place in the school, until for the last place, canteen.

A place where crowd is certain, I ran again, ignoring how fcuking drenched I am.

I reached the canteen, and sure they are there. They; him, Xiumin, Myungsoo and his friends, all of them—laughing.

I didn’t waste any second, I fleet my way towards him, grabbing his collar, I landed a hard gutting punch on his face. And like water, everyone crowded him spilled away making me and him at the middle, no one dared to come near us.

I was already breathing hard, my chest heaving out, I waited for him to retrieve.

“Gege what the-“

But I landed another hard punch on his face, “Don’t ing call me gege anymore.”I was gritting my teeth, his lips burst, and blood is spilling. I grabbed his hair, making his head face me up, I punched him again, I landed another and another punch, and he wasn’t taking his move against me, I know why.

The hand that’s grabbing his hair went loose, he fell on the floor. I could hear everyone questioning my action, my vicious actions, as never in my life I made such brutal act; I don’t care what I could make Tao after this.

Tao stood up, grabbing his jaw, wiping his face, cicatrices visible on his face. He started to walk towards me, my chest constricted, and I ignored the affright that would start to fill me.

I can feel my knuckles sore, but I didn’t care. I made myself move and about to land another punch on Tao, he had the same position to punch me; he’s going to punch me, until I felt strong arms stopping me, pulling me away.

“Don’t try to punch him Tao!” it was Yixing, and as I watch Tao with fury in my eyes, I saw the anger in his eyes loose, and his arms fell down.

He could kill me, just one punch, it’s going to be my death. Just one hard punch on me, on my chest.

That’s when the people around hovered, Yixing pulling my arms behind me, Hoya and Woohyun pulling Tao.

“What the is this? Why are you two suddenly fighting, punching your lives out!” Sunggyu was yelling in between us.

I wandered my eyes around, they are not mad, they are more worried than mad about the ruckus I started. Then my eyes landed at Myungsoo, just the look we exchanged, he knows. Everyone waited for someone to spoke.

“From now on,” I started, with too much hatred in my voice, “Forget everything between us you fcuker.”

And I heard murmurs, Sunggyu intervened, “Luhan what is-“

“Don’t ever show,” I pointed an accusing finger on Tao, “Ever show you fcuking bullting face on me you bastard.”

I can see everyone confused, I jerked my arms away from Yixing’s grip and he let go of me. I looked around as they gave me that mother-fcuker-look.

“And you all guys,” looking at them, each of them, “I don’t care if you fcuking pull me out of your darn circle, I am done with this crappy !”

I have never cursed in my entire life too much than at that moment. It was silence, I wanted everyone to take in every damn word I say. And I looked back at Tao.

“How. . .” I choked, “How could you do that to her?” it was almost a whisper, and like lightning bolted into him, I see guilt in his eyes. It was enough for me.

“Why?” It was that soft voice that had each head on the area snapping to where it came from, making up the mystery all laid.

I told her stay the fcuk there.

Checking my jacket, it’s all drenched. I walked towards Myungsoo. Everyone just watched.

“Can you lend me your jacket?”

Without any word, Myungsoo took off his jacket and handed it to me. I walked towards her, wrapping her with the jacket, turning her around, pushing her away the place.

She let me push her, keeping her not touching me. I couldn’t risk her getting sick, she hated being sick and I’m drenched.

We reached my car, the Audi I owned, I made her seat on the passenger seat.

I got in, “I’m taking you in your house.”

“Please, no anywhere but not in the house.” she begged, my jaw constricted.

“You have to be home, it’s raining.” I couldn’t think of any excuse, my entire energy has been consumed, I don’t think I could handle more.

“Just send me to Yixing’s house.” she look at her fingers continuously finding on her lap.

“What?” Yixing’s house? I frowned.

“I’ve been staying there, I can’t. . .” she paused, “I can’t. . .” it was obvious how hard for her to speak why, “show up to oppa like this.” And she had her head bowed.

And again, I wanted to scream, to be mad, to pull everything out in me.  The space the car has for us is suffocating me.

“Why did you do that?” suddenly she asked.

“Do what?” my brows ran down, even if I know what she’s asking.

“Tao, you don’t have to put your friendship with him just becau-“ she was going to push about the friendship, and dammit.

“Shut the fcuk up okay?” I cursed, I need to stop this conversation because I fcuking don’t know how to explain myself.

She kept shut, I waited a few minutes and I spoke again.

“I’m taking you in my pad, you will stay there for awhile okay?” I tried sounding calm.

She looked at me, that look she would always give me whenever I would say something that she’s not expecting that is delightful for her.

“You’re place?” I knew it, suddenly, she’s being calm, “Really?” then there came her smile of her excitement.

I smiled, genuinely smiling, “Yes, stay there as long as you want.” And we were looking at each other. She smiled wider, her teeth showing, hell I miss that.

I drove to my place, reaching my floor. It’s as if I’m with the old Jinhan, that always excited, always happy, always with surprises Jinhan. Like nothing happened awhile ago.

I guess it’s what I am thankful of about her, she will forget if she wanted to. How I wish she could forget all the things I’ve done to her, I wish.

I punched the code of my pad, I could she her very excited to get in, if this was before, I could’ve started my usual teasing about her, but I only could let her moment of excitement first.

Exactly when I opened the door, it was her who pushed it wider and get in, she walked in like she owns it, and I couldn’t help to be amused, all I can do is have this stupid smile on my face.

I watch her walk around, check every corner of my place. Watch how she slides her index finger on my kitchen bar, clink the goblets that hung above, open the cabinets, open the oven, checking everything, and I just can’t stop her. She opened the fridge and I anticipated to see the shock in her face, to see what’s inside; the smile she had as she checked the other things, now in front of my fridge, it disappeared.

Sure, she saw the cake she gave me on my birthday, I kept it there. I was grinning, but she immediately closed it. Ignoring what she saw, even I wanted to know her reaction.

The end of her scarf fell off her shoulder, and that reminded me of the talk we should be doing now.

“Jinhan.”

Suddenly, I am scared. A lot of what if’s are crashing in my mind, I don’t think I could accept it.

“Hmmm?” she looked at me, that look of anticipation, I just wanted to stare at her.

“Come here.” I walked towards her, grabbed her hand, entwining it with me, and she that fact.

I pulled her to my room, and again she’s pleased to see it, but it’s not why I brought her here. I made her sit to the side of my bed, she looked up at me as she sat and I stood.

“We have to talk.” And at the mention of talk, she bowed her head.

“No, you don’t have to tell me-“

“I’m dirty, I know. You don’t-“

She sounded mad, that I do not know. I have to stop whatever is coming out , the sudden change of her mood is again disturbing me.

I kneeled on my right in front of her, holding her face between my palms again; I just wanted a yes or no answer, nothing else. And after, whatever her answer is, I could forget how the world is against us.

“Shhh, no. No, you are not. Shut up okay?”

“I am dirty.” She said again.

“Shhh, I only want a yes or no as an answer okay?” I bruised hands wiped the bracing tears spilling, wiping her hair away.

“Did he-“ it was hard, saying it was hard. I feel like choking, I don’t think I could continue.

“No.”

I breathed, I realized, I wasn’t breathing.

“No, he didn’t. I was able to sto-“

I was kissing her.

I’m kissing her lips, feeling how soft it was, how thirsty I was.

I pulled back, kissing her forehead, her eyes, both her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and she started crying again.

I didn’t regret having a fight with Tao,

I pulled back, “Why are you crying?” I can’t show how I am panicking at the moment. But suddenly she’s crying. . .again.

“You kissed me.” She sobbed, “You’re kissing me.”

I only chuckled, this woman who could make the most. . . “I thought you want to kiss me, or you want me to kiss you?”

She nodded, “I do. I do.” But the last one, “I do.” She murmured it down.

“You can kiss me.” and she just looked into my eyes, with hope, with love, and with fear.

But she kissed me, and I kissed back.

Our lips embraced, feeling each softness, each slickness, and I wanted it to be just innocent. But we’re both hungry, hungry for each other; she was running her fingers on my nape as she kiss me, and I never thought she could be this bold. She initiated the tongue, and I can’t help to indulge in to what she’s giving. But I have to stop or I can’t control.

I pulled back, and to what I didn’t expect, she chuckled.

“I could kiss you whenever I want?” and she gave me smooch, that when she pulled away he got my lips following.

“Yes.” And I return the smooch she gave me, “Whenever you want.” And our foreheads touched, “Anytime you want. Kiss me.”

And she gave me another kiss, that kiss I don’t think I would ever get tired with.

She smiled when she pulled back, “I love kissing.” She said, but she said it with longing, like it’s the only thing she could have, she could give, she could treasure.

“It’s obvious.” I laughed, and I gave her a peck, “But you have to sleep, I know you’re tired, and I need to change my clothes, I’m drenched.”

I stood up, and she was just watching me with amusement in her eyes, and suddenly I like being watched by her.

“Sleep there on my bed; I am taking the couch outside okay?” I was wiping the towel I got from my head.

“Let us sleep together.”

I jerked my head at her, and all she gave me is her sweet smiling face. There she is smiling angelic at me, while I myself am trying to decrypt what the she just said.

I’m a man for fcuking sakes.

I looked weirdly at her, and she supplied on, “I mean just sleep together. Yixing sleeps with me you know.” And she giggled, what the Yixing slept with her, and until now slept with her sounds so. . .

“Yixing?” I think I am furious, “What else has Yixing done with you all this time?” Jealous, yes. Because all this time, it was Yixing with her.

“He just sleeps with me, since I get nightmares after. . .what happened.” She paused at her last words, and she giggled again. “You are going to sleep with me okay?” she was smiling again, .

“That’s. . .”my mind is in chaos, battling whether to. . . or to. . ., damn this woman. “Okay. Okay. Wait for me; I’m sleeping with you, but you have to-“

“Aigoooo!” she fcuking cooed, and that’s the first time I hear her does that! “We slept together already and nothing! I trust you okay?”

You can’t trust me after you kissing me like that!,  I wanted to scream at her. Scream that on her.

I groaned, “Okay. Okay. Just lie down there, sleep. I’ll be there after I changed clothes.”

Turning off the lights, leaving the lamp beside her on, I slipped in beside her, having my own blanket. I turned to my side carefully, not making her awake. She has her back from the lamp, and I face her. When I settled myself, I was ready to just look her sleep. But her eyes popped open.

She just smiled, and I smiled back. It’s like some language to the both of us. Smile, meaning everything is okay.

“Not yet asleep?” I asked, as I tucked her hair behind her hair, we were lying so close to each other.

She shook her head, “Not yet. I’m waiting for you.” And she smiled again.

“I’m here, you sleep now okay?”

And she nodded, smiling again.

We were just staring at each other, taking each other as we look into each other.

That moment where I am putting it all at risk, I don’t care about anything anymore, about anyone anymore. I will die, I know. . .but I have to spend each second of my life with her on my side.

She blinked, and I thought I saw something with her eyes.

“Do you know Luhan?” she asked, and I smiled, the thought of her humoring me is funny.

“Yeah why?” and suddenly it hit me, the look she’s giving me isn’t the kind to humor me, but it was so innocent, and that sudden memory. . .where she asked Yixing if he knows me. . .

I felt the hair in my body rose, I panicked secretly.

And she smiled again, “Please. . .tell him,” she paused, looking directly in my eyes. “Tell him that I. . .love him.” She paused, she curled her body in the bed now, ignoring me. But the next thing was,

“Tell Luhan I love him. . .Yixing.”