She looked calm. Her eyes deep like an ocean. She pulled myself closer to her then we both drown to a long kiss as we both missed each other. I tried to wipe a guilty feeling inside me cause I lied to her but I still felt it was the best decision for that situation. My mind was surfing in the middle of our kiss. Call me selfish, but I just wanted everything to be back as it used to be: no problem, no lies, no secret between us...

"Tae..." She said that so weakly. I could almost hear her holding her tears. "I'm so tired. It isn't okay."
"Tell me what happened? Share with me your pain..."
"Baby..."
"Why am I being left to be someone who doesn't know anything? This isn't about Tiffany, right? It's clearly not." I was exploded. "Beside, nothing happened indeed. You don't have to worry about it. But WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? What's the thing you're dealing with?"
"I'm sorry if you feel that way about me... About us."
"Sica... Just let me in..."
"My parents would like to force me to marry somebody soon, for a business purpose of course. Otherwise, I have to..." She sighed. "I won't be considered as Jung family member anymore."
"Then leave your family and stay with me."
"It's not as easy as that, Tae..."
"Was it about that? Or that you don't want it?"
"Tae, I need more time to help myself through this. Please..."
"Is it the guy named Taylor Kwon?"
"Baby?"
"Do they want you to marry Taylor Kwon and back to US?" I felt terrible. Really terrible. "Do you still in love with your ex fiancée that know you got this opportunity to get back to him, you want it now? Is it the real reason you don't like Tiffany, not because of me but because of Taylor?"
"Tae... Can you stop? It hurts me..."
"And you think I don't get hurt too?"
"Baby..."
"Tiffany did nothing with Taylor. She just basically pretended to be Stella Kim. She ruined your engagement party because Taylor dumped her friend, Stella who was pregnant of his child. So you can be happy for that."
"How could you know that?"
"Tiffany told me." I replied. "At least she's being honest and told me things."
"It's not that I don't want to tell you things, I just so confused... I-"
"Or you just don't want it." I cut her off. "Simply don't want it."
"Do you even listen to yourself now?"
"DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO ME?"

I felt anger all over my body that I was shaking quite hardly. Never in my life I thought I'd feel so broken like that. She looked at me in sorrow while trembling. What I said must be true, she couldn't even do something to comfort me. Maybe I didn't need it indeed. Maybe nobody could reach me at the moment. I collected all the pieces of this big puzzle and found out I'm the one who got hurt in the end. I'm the one: forever the outsider in this drama.

This Friday at my office, I sat down drowning myself with all of the tasks I had to clear up. I looked at Italy's itinerary trip Jessica sent to me last month. I almost tear apart looking at that. The situation indeed getting colder as ever since the last day I met Jessica at my apartment. It had been almost a week since that. I knew Jessica tried to reach me out but every time, I canceled her. I was wondering when will she be honest with me and tell me all the things I need, or should I keep on finding out? At the moment, I felt exhausted.

Those days I was quite isolated myself. I became cold, even Seohyun told me it was quite frustrating her to talk to me. I didn't mean to throw that impression to anyone at work, but I was really broken. I just didn't how to mend with it. I was so clueless, but I was sure I needed time to be alone to finally talk again to Jessica.
 

'Taeyeon-ah... I love you. I really do.'

That was the best thing she could say after all, but I guess it didn't clarify anything. It didn't even comfort me anymore at that point. If what I guess was true, then she decided not to choose me, will it even matter? With everything she said to me, with everything we've done together, after all, why couldn't she choose to be with me?

That night, I worked overtime, again, as usual. I stopped by a convenient store near to the train station, at that time to buy a couple of beers and a pack of cigarettes. Well, Jessica indeed got me smoking cigarettes as I was so stressed over this all. I was smoking at the smoking room nearby when this young woman entered it.

"Taeyeon?"
"Hey..." I greeted her casually. We're friends now. "What are you doing, Tiff?"
"Oh, I'm going to a place near here. But I'm stopping by to smoke. It's cold tonight."
"Yeah, it is..." But the night wasn't as cold as my heart. I sighed.
"Do you smoke?"
"What do you see right now?"

She chuckled. She stared at me like seeing an underage kid smoking in front of her. Honestly, she looked different that night. I mean, she looked so extra: Acid-wash spiked denim jacket, black t-shirt with silver stars print, and Jacquard skinny pants. I stared at her from top to toe. Also, of course, her hair, it seemed that she just did a new hairstyle for herself: brown liight and a little ombre in pink for the touch.

"Where are you going with this outfit?"
"Why?" She asked. "What do you think?"
"You look like wanna hit a stage."
"EXACTLY!"

She grinned happily while throwing the cigarette to the trash can.
"Taeyeon, where are you going tonight?"