I hastened my return to Jeonju. After what Krystal revealed yesterday, I felt so numb, I spent the whole night by closing all the doors to reach me. I really wanted to hate her, but it's not that I was innocent. In fact, I hurt her too. I didn't let anyone in, not even my girlfriend. I told her that I felt so unwell so I decided to sleep faster. Besides, she was so busy with all the preparation so I guess I could take that benefit to actually help myself first. Supposedly, I didn't have to feel hurt that bad cause I decided to let go and move on. But the fact that I realized, I'm not the only one who got hurt here, that I'm not the victim in this love story, sinking me even deeper to the bottom of a dark, dark ocean. When I thought I was the one who fought for the right things I believed, that's where I found all the stairs I stepped to go up suddenly breaking apart.

That day, I spent my last day waiting for sunset on the edge of the river near to my house. I asked Hayeon to go home first as I needed to be alone, to clear up my mind. I found it hard to barely even breathe knowing all those facts. At the bottom of my heart, I had to admit, past three years, none could distract me better than she did, she always does. Maybe it was my fault, I closed the door too early to find out. Then I was just so clueless, I felt like restarting it all.

"My little Taeyeonie..."
"Oppa..." I looked at the taller figure who sat beside me. "I didn't know you're here?"
"I just arrived. Hayeon told me you're here."


He stared at me deeply as if he's investigating me. He scanned my face and moved his face closer.
"What's wrong with your forehead? Why is it so shiny?"
"Yahhhh..." I pushed him away softly while sharing the laughter. "I did some treatments."
"I can see... How's Ji Eun?"
"Why are you asking about her? You didn't even ask about me, oppa..."
"Cause she's your girlfriend. Besides, I don't care about you kekeke."
"What kind of brother you are... Aish..." I made a little frown. "What do you mean by girlfriend?"
"I don't know. You tell me."


I told my mother about Jessica back then, but that was all. I brought Ji Eun home once during her medication days but introduced her as a friend. Technically I wasn't wrong, we haven't dated each other at that time. I thought it was a good thing to bring her to a little village like Jeonju to stay away for a while from the city life. That time, Ji Eun was struggling with her depression due to work overload. She was totally worn out. Back at it, I didn't introduce her as a girlfriend and didn't even tell Jiwoong oppa about our relationship.


"Oppa... What do you mean?"
"Come on, Taeng. You can't hide things from me. Not when I was the one who carried you in my back every time you cried cause somebody made a prank on you back then when we were so little." He gulped a bottle of Coke on his hand. "Besides, it's all over her face."
"Huh?"
"She likes you a lot, isn't she? I can tell."
"She's good. She's still in Paris, preparing a performance for the embassy."
"Taeyeon-ah... I know you might don't want to tell me about, or yeah you don't have to. But your oppa will always support you, for any decision you made. I'm just jealous you could date her, since I'm a fan of her. Do you think is she meet me first, who would she pick?"
"You're trying to compete me just because we look like a twin or what?"
"I have a chance."
"I will tell your wife about this, you rascal."


He patted my head with his Coke bottle. We laughed happily while joking. Since he was married, I have rarely communicated with the only brother I have. Besides, I'm really busy, so I don't really have much time to communicate. I suddenly remember a childhood that I suddenly missed. The memory of sweet things in those days helped me a little to get out of the bitterness I was experiencing.


"Oppa..."
"Huh?"
"What did you do if you make a mistake?"
"Apologise, of course."
"What if you just realized you made it after years passed? Will that even matter?"
"It does matter, Taeng. Like if you break something, you fix it. If you hurt somebody, you heal it." He glanced at me with a little smile on the corner of his lips. "What's your problem kid? Who you hurt? Her?"
"No... It's not her."
"So, it's somebody else?"
"Yeah..." I replied weakly, almost wanted to pull the conversation off.
"Hmmm... Tell me about it."
"I don't know where to start." I took a deep breath to clear out my mind. "In short, what I thought was I'm the victim. That I was left hanging. But then I just knew that it was me being the pain in the that didn't want to hear for the explanation. Rather I hurt that person. I left her being alone, hurt. Then I moved on from it, without even looking back these years... Things being revealed and I'm the selfish one here. If only I would listen, everything will be different."


My brother grabbed me in his right arm.
"We once young and foolish." I leaned my head completely on his shoulder. "We made mistakes, so many mistakes, but that's okay. Life goes on. The people that we hurt, time will heal everything. But I think first you have to forgive yourself before you ask for forgiveness. Or no? Or you just want to forget it all and move forward with whatever you currently have right now? Now, that's another option."
"I don't know, oppa..."
"Taeyeonie, love doesn't pick the story for you. It's gotta be you." He my hair softly.
"I'm so stupid, oppa."
"You're smart, little sist... but do you really think your smart brain can help you with your love story? Cause it's unlike your previous office work, that you could think about what's the benefit, how to avoid loss, how to revamp the engagement, or how to do a risk management. It's not that... First, heal where it hurts. There." He pointed my heart and there, where I felt like I was falling. I couldn't run away. I had to admit, Jessica's departure from my life was always a thing that haunted me, a thing I wish I could turn back time and keep her with me.
"It hurts, oppa... But I just don't want to hu