I spent the whole night crying with my already swollen eyes, with my already broken heart. I knew it was funny to cry like like that. Whoever thought that you could love like that? I was too young to tell you if love is real or that what I feel for her is real, but I really do. I woke up from my bed on that gloomy Sunday, walked out directly to the living room so that I could sit, hugging a pillow and spent a while to cry again. I knew I should've stopped it. It was stupid, but the break up broke me more than I thought, more than I could ever imagine to handle. It seemed that I wasn't ready for it, but will I ever be?

I looked out through the window. The weather wasn't good. Perfect. It seemed that the universe was crying for me too? I closed the curtain, walked to the kitchen to grab some leftovers from the icebox. I got back to sit on the living room, I watched the TV, then I switched it off next 10 minutes. I went to the bathroom, prepared the hot water, and drown myself in my bathtub. I let my tears soak in the water as I submerged myself in the bathtub. I lost. Jessica was wrong, Kim Taeyeon has lost this time. She's rejected by the one she loves the most.

I opened my MacBook and looked at this one thing. The Italy trip with Jessica. I looked at the itinerary she made so perfectly, but I had to look at it in pain as it was nothing but a memory left. As we broke up already, the plan will be canceled and the next week, those days where I should've felt happiest cause I'd have some good times with her, I would probably have to spend it with the worst feeling I ever experience in my life. Can I be stronger? How do I know?

"Let's go Taengo..." I talked to myself.

I didn't cancel the casual leave plan. I just changed the destination. I planned to come home, to my family in Jeonju. I was too broken to think of spending my time by having a holiday. I just couldn't do it. I put all the things I need and packed it in a medium rucksack and prepared to leave. The last thing I did was throwing my cellphone to the couch. Yeah. I didn't want to be found. I actually wanted a monster to find and eat me so that I could disappear like that.

I asked Mrs. Jang, my neighbor, to take care of Zero when I left. I actually really wanted to bring him with me, but Zero was a little bit sick so I decided to leave him for a while. After that, I took a morning KTX from Seoul to Jeonju. The trip takes around 2 hours and I had my iPod & a book with me: All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. The book itself been in my drawer for around 3 years since the day Seohyun gave it to me as a birthday gift. I'm so happy that I have it as I spent hours letting myself drowning into the story while listening to some calm music. I stayed awake.


"Unnie!" The girl with a cute bang shouted. "Taeyeon unnie! Here! Here!"
"Hayeon-ah..." I smiled and did a half run to reach her. It's Kim Hayeon, my sister.
"Unnie... How are you?"
"I'm good, kid. How are you? How is appa? Umma? Ginger?" I stared at her for a while. "You grew up... a lot!"
"All good, and yeah of course I do." She nodded. "We all quite surprised that you called this morning."
"I really sorry to come so sudden."
"Don't say that. Of course, we are so happy."
"Let's go! I'm hungry. Did umma cook something?"
"All the things you like."
"Great! Do you drive here?"
"Yeah... I did. Can you believe it?" She laughed. "Unnie, I tried to call you but the phone is inactive."
"Oh... I guess I left my phone at my apartment."
"How could you live without your phone? My unnie is still sloppy." She mocked at me cutely.


That wasn't the case at the moment. How could I live without my phone? I surely could do. But, how could I live with a big damage in my heart? I wouldn't know-how. I kept on walking and walking without looking back. I decided to do so, at least I tried. At the moment, what I really need is a hug from my mother and a calm smile from my father, also a little bit lame joke from my youngest sister. I missed my brother too, but since he married already, it would be hard to meet him at that time.

Along the way, I kept on thinking a lot. No, Taeyeon. You can't let your mom find you crying, otherwise she will ask and how on earth would you explain that it was a woman who made me as broke as this. I didn't even cry when I broke up with Baekhyun. Such an irony. I kept on walking reaching my parents' house and remained unclear. I just wanted to come home and in the end, to feel safe again.