I finished my rounds for the rest of the night. I washed the dishes, put the boys to bed, tidy up a bit more before getting myself ready for the night. I needed some time to myself. Some time to think, some time to stall before Yoongi and I had to talk.

A million thoughts ran through my head about what he might want to talk about, running my anxiety up a wall.

Knowing, Yoongi, he tried to keep a sweet, almost docile front. He has always been sensitive when it came to me. Even when I'm in the wrong, he's always gentle with his words and actions, but tonight, he sounded so stern...

Maybe it's nothing, and I'm just overreacting. I have always been the type to overthink and misplace people's feelings and tone.

It might be nothing at all. Maybe, he's got a raise or a new job offer out of the country--I'd be okay with that.

Or maybe he knows. He knows about me and Jungkook--No, he's seen me and Jungkook. He must know. It's not like we've been hiding it very well.

What if he's seen us?

God, he must be so repulsed. How can he not be? I've turned my back on him and cheated, with my own son out of all people... Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick.

My stomach twists and turns as I approach our bedroom door, my heart racing faster, thumping so loud I'm afraid he can hear it. I pause and try to regain my composure. I wipe my sweaty palms and swallow down the dryness in my throat before I turn the doorknob and step into our bedroom. Yoongi is laid back comfortably on the bed. He gives me a smile and sits up as I walk in. I smile weakly at him as I sit at the edge of the bed.

"Uh love, you said you wanted to talk," I ramble, beginning to feel myself start to panic. "Is everything okay? Did something happen-"

The younger looks at me worriedly with soft eyes before placing a hand on top of my shaky ones. I didn't even realize I was shaking.

"Seokjin, calm down, honey. I wanted to talk about moving up our wedding," He says, and there's this anticipative smile on his face as he waits for my response.

Oh.

I relax, letting go of the breath I was holding in as my tense body loosens up. "You wanna move it up? Why all of a sudden?" I question, scooting closer to him.

He laughs almost shyly, dropping his head down. "Well, it's mainly my mother's fault. She brought up how it's crazy we aren't married yet, and that got me thinking-"

"But we haven't started planning or anything-"

"I know, I know-- but what's the harm in rushing? It's just a stupid piece of paper, but calling you my fiance is boring. I wanna run around all proud calling you my husband or Min Seokjin," he admits with a dorky kind of grin on his face.

A new kind of panic surges up in me. I should be happy, I should celebrating, he wants to get married. Yoongi is the love of my life, and I've dreamt about this. I've envisioned our wedding for years, but we weren't ready, and now he wants to move it up.

I should be happy, but I can't shake this feeling of uneasiness.

What about our kids? Are they even ready for this? Do they even want me and Yoongi to get married? What about Jungkook?

I laugh in an attempt to hide my nervousness. "Why can't you take my last name?" I ask playfully with a pout.

"I don't care which last name it is. As long as I'm with you, I don't care. So what do you say?" He asks as he grasps my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine.

I look down at our hands, and my breath becomes shaky as tears prick at the corners of my eyes.

God, what am I doing?

I bite my quivering lip and nod as tears brim my eyes. "Yeah, Yoongi, I want to move it up."

He pulls me close, and I hide my face in his shoulder. "Why are you crying?" He coos, and I can tell there's a grin on his face.

Because I'm hurting the one man who loves me the most.

"I dunno, I'm just so happy?" I lie, pulling out of his grasp.

"So when do we tell the kids?" He questions as he wipes my tears. There's this smile playing on his lips, I can tell he's trying to bite down his excitement, and that doesn't make me feel any better.

"I don't know. I'm not sure how Jungkook is going to feel about it. I can tell there's still some tension." Another lie, that's all I can do now just to save my own .

Tension is not the right word. Jungkook hates him, and he'll hate me If I go through with this... I can't go through with the wedding. I can't tell Jungkook. I'll just disappoint him again.

But what's more important, my happiness or Jungkook?

Yoongi nods, "You tell me when you think it's best, okay? We'll keep it a secret for now."

"Okay," I mumble, my voice shaky.

Yoongi presses his lips on mine, giving me a chaste kiss. "I love you so so much, Seokjin-ah."

"I love you too."

But not enough to tell you the truth. Not enough to be yours and only yours. Yoongi, my love, I'm so sorry.

He engulfs me into a hug, "I'm so lucky you don't understand. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you," He whispers in my ear. His voice is so gentle, so loving.

I choke back a sob, letting my eyes close my eyes as wrap myself around him, letting myself cry into his shoulder, and I feel him press a kiss on my forehead before holding me tight. He pulls away, and his eyes twinkle so brightly as he stares down at me. I can't stand it.

He looks at me as if I could do no wrong. Every time he looks at me, it's full of love. I ruined the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Just for tonight, I will pretend everything is normal. I'll let him hold me tight just for tonight. I'll let him think well will get our happy end. The truth will come out one day. He'll know about all the lies and infidelity, and then what? He won't want me anymore, I won't be his, he'll hate me.

I know I don't deserve him, but I can't bring myself to let him go, just not yet. I just want to pretend everything is fine for tonight.

I feel sick.