A/N: Hi so I'm not totally back. Ngl I was actually thinking about discontinuing the story today, but as I found myself on this page, reading my previous note, and looking at the future drafts, I wanted to give something. I'm having a hard time writing, and one reason is, emotionally I'm just not there, and I've been so stressed with what I should be doing, but reading my Kris notes, I wanted to try just once more because I know how much everyone wants to know his side of the story. This is also why it's probably going to be split into several chapters since there's a lot I wanted to include but I didn't know how, so I'm taking it one step at a time. 

A month ago

He fell down to the ground, clutching a hand to his chest. 

“Not tonight” he muttered to himself, and let out a shaky breath “Not tonight” 

Tonight, he can’t cry. 

In a month, you can cry as much as you want to, but not tonight. There’s still a month left, so please keep it together, and then, then you can cry for all you’ve lost, but not yet.’

"You haven’t lost it yet” he tried to convince himself in a shaky voice, but he knew it wouldn’t help in the long run, and as he let him sit down on the ground, staring at the night sky, he regretted the decision he made last summer. 

That night Kris came home, heart clawing out of his chest, knowing soon, he'd lose everything, he knew he needed help. 

That night reminded him of what happened last summer. The choice he had made, the choice that had haunted him every day since then. 

Leaning against the bathroom door, tears threatening to fall, he wondered 

Why had he made the choice he had made? 

He regretted it so badly, having seen where he was now.
Why?
Why did he do it?

The summer before senior year (Last summer):

At the beginning of their senior year, he had come back from school one day, only to see his mom on the couch, face tensed up in worry.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, as he sat down on the couch with her. She shook her head softly, before taking his hand in hers. 

“It’s your father” she had said, and from then on, Kris’ world began falling apart. 

His father had asked for Kris to be part of his family, and to be his successor in his business. The same father who hadn’t been his father for years, and left Kris and his mom alone, letting them live freely in Korea. 

“Why?” he had asked her, but she couldn’t answer. Kris left for his room, confused and distraught.

He didn’t understand why, after all these years he wanted him. 

What did his father want from him?

Why now?

Apparently, there had been talks about Kris, and they, his father’s family in China, had decided that Kris should be part of the business, take over the branch in Korea. 

Kris still didn’t understand though. They didn’t want anything to do with them. They let them be in peace because of who they were, so why? 

A week later, his father was coming to meet them, and they were going to discuss and plan Kris’ future.

"I have an offer for you,” his father said one day when he came to see them. Kris sat with crossed arms in silence 

"You get to stay here, but start to intern at the Korean branch as soon as possible, but college is happening in China” 

His heart immediately stopped beating. 

"Why?” 

"Why now? Why would I accept this?” his voice grew as frustration pushed through him.

"Kris, I am your father-”

"-You haven’t been my father in years! Not since you left us!”

"Your life has only been going this well because of me!”  his father yelled, slamming his hands down on the table, and Kris fell silent again.

"I’m the reason you get to have this, so you better start showing me the respect I deserve!” 

Kris didn’t say anything, and his father left out a sigh “What do you need to agree to this?” 

His father let him have his freedom for the rest of his high school, and by the end, he expected Kris to be a respectful and decent man. Kris could no longer spend his time however he wanted. 

He could no longer think about taking a break after college or slagging off during summer vacation. He could no longer do things without considering the consequences. 

His father knew of his person, and he knew he had been given a loose leash, which would be shortened soon. Soon he’d no longer be Kris Wu, Tao’s relaxed best friend, but Wu Yifan, son of a Chinese CEO. 

That’s when the countdown started. 

"What are you going to do?" Ten had asked, and Kris hadn't thought twice before answering "I'll live my life"

Ten let out a sigh at this "I meant, what are you going to do with Tao? Why aren't you telling him this but me?" 

Kris was silent for a moment, the pressure of having to be strong weighing on him "He doesn't have to know. It'll be fine" 

He thought, it wouldn't matter if Tao knew, because after all, they had always been friends, and would always be friends. At least, that's what he thought.

"What about your feelings for him? Are you gonna tell him about them?" Kris fell silent again, and Ten continued to stare at him, waiting for him to come clean "You've already known for so long" he added, when Kris kept quiet "And you know what Tao feels" 

"I know" Kris blurted out "but Tao will always be mine. I mean, he always has. He's been by my side for so long" he spoke, confidence pouring from his words, but unlike Kris, Ten wasn't sure of it, but he wasn't going to tell his friend that. 

Perhaps Kris knew it too but was lying to himself. 

Lying was easier than admitting he no longer knew what to do.

Kris knew already back then that his time was running out, and it was only going faster. He knew when the count down would fall, and he knew that he had two choices. He’d either admit everything to Tao or pretend there was nothing there ever, bury and deny his feelings forever. 

Now, both of them were being pulled away, and who would be able to push back? Who would be able to fight, and let them be together now? Now, that soon Kris wouldn’t be able to either? 

He knew that Tao was his. He had made sure he always was his, and perhaps it was wrong and possessive of him, but he didn’t want to lose Tao. 

"High school is just not the right time for it" he admitted, not looking at Ten.

No, but it might have been the only time for it. 

It became obvious very soon. Johnny was crazy possessive with Tao the night they were saying goodbye to Chanyeol. Perhaps he shouldn't have tried eavesdropping on Baekhyun and Tao, but he needed to know.

That night, when he had asked Tao to run away together, it had been on an impulse. It was a short moment of himself feeling the pressure and anxiety awaiting him. A future he didn't want to see.  

Perhaps a part of him did it to keep Tao close, to make sure he's still there. But if Tao had said yes, Kris would have done it in a heartbeat. 

Why he didn't just confess and tell the truth that night, he still doesn't understand. Truly, it would have changed everything. 

"How much do you tell my father about me?" 

"Only what he needs to know"

"I can trust you, right?" He locked eyes with his driver in the rearview mirror. It wasn't the same look of worry, but warmth in the stern eyes. 

"Please," he said after a moment, handing a piece of paper to his driver

"Nothing he needs to know" his driver only spoke, taking the paper and driving off.