A/N: It's been way too long, and I'm sorry. I could explain why I haven't updated, but it'd be a bunch of excuses, which wouldn't do anything. One reason though is that the chapter I was working on, was taking a long time to finish, so I decided to split it in two, to keep you from waiting any longer, and to be honest, the chapter is way better this way. I will do better in the future, or at least update more. Thank you so much for your patience, I love you. 

It was an awkward silence that had fallen between them, and Taeyong regretted agreeing to talk. 

They were sitting on a bench a short walk away from their school, and Taeyong didn’t know whether to ask or wait for Jeno to start talking. 

He wasn’t even sure why Jeno had reached out to him, despite knowing something had happened between Jeno and Jaehyun, and that he's also Doyoung's brother.

Was it about that? About what happened between him and Jaehyun? 

He hesitantly glanced at Jeno, who was looking at the ground, deep in thought. Was it only Taeyong who felt awkward? 

"So-” Taeyong cleared his throat

"-I..” Jeno spoke at the same time, and Taeyong fell quiet, ready to hear what Jeno had on his mind. 

The younger let out a deep breath, before turning towards Taeyong. 

He hadn’t expected himself to reach out to Taeyong today, but when he saw him outside the school, he couldn’t help it. He was one of the many students who had noticed how Jaehyun had changed and noticed Taeyong wasn’t hanging around him anymore. It’s not like he had played a part in the incident that had gone down, he wasn't even sure if it was because of his brother. Somehow he couldn't shake the thought, because it was Jaehyun and Taeyong. Especially because it's them. 

"Listen, Jeno-” Taeyong started out as the younger hadn't said anything, but Jeno interrupted him again.

“-I’m here to apologize." He stared Taeyong in the eye but turned his gaze to the ground when he noticed how taken aback and confused Taeyong looked. Jeno's heart was pounding in his chest. What if he was wrong? What if it wasn't Doyoung's fault after all? What if the two just had a mutual falling out?

He couldn't shake it though. He needed to be sure. 

"I don’t know what happened,” Jeno stated, “I don’t know why Jaehyun is acting the way he is”. He paused for a moment, glancing at Taeyong, who sat unmoving on the bench “I just can’t help feeling my brother played a part in it” The younger ended and looked back at Taeyong. The older didn't answer. His eyes were focused on Jeno, but Taeyong was staring into nothing, completely lost in his own thoughts.  

"He did, didn’t he?” Jeno hesitantly pushed, looking for some kind of confirmation on Taeyong’s face. He didn't move though, didn't change his expression but remained still.

After a moment, he looked away from Jeno, muttering a soft “Yeah”, folding his hands in front of him. The younger cursed under his breath, and when Taeyong looked back up at him, the younger’s face was filled with guilt. He didn't understand why.

It wasn't Jeno's fault after all

It's not Jeno's fault that Doyoung screwed everything up, right?

It's not his fault that he lost Jaehyun, and that Jaehyun is utterly depressed, right? 

Right? 

Something had happened between them, but it couldn't be that Jeno...

He wouldn't do such things, he's too kind. 

... Or what?

"I’m so sorry” The younger apologized, and Taeyong snapped out of his thoughts. He didn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say. Instead, he simply stared down at his hands, listening to Jeno, while his mind was spiraling into chaos.

“I know it’s none of my business, but if that’s the reason you aren’t talking, please-” 

"-Jeno” Taeyong interrupted, and the younger fell silent. 

Taeyong was beginning to fidget with his hands, and his heart was beating louder in his chest. He hadn't even noticed he had started fidgeting. Was it because he was reminded of Jaehyun's broken voice? How he had promised he'd wait? 

“I don’t know what your deal is” Taeyong managed to let out after a minute of silence, still looking at the ground instead of Jeno. His nails were scratching the palms of his hands, leaving red marks on his skin. 

“And I’m not ready to either” he continued, and heard Jeno let out a soft “Oh”  

It sounded like he thought Taeyong already knew what had happened. 

He didn't know though. He didn't know why Doyoung would do something to hurt them. He didn't know why Jeno was apologizing. He didn't understand why it was happening to them, but he wasn't ready to. Even months after, he wasn't ready to hear the truth. 

Was it because he was reminded that he was the one at fault? 

The one who had pushed Jaehyun away? 

"I don’t know what Doyoung’s deal is either, but I’m not-” Taeyong stopped, voice breaking, and he let himself take a deep breath before continuing.

“Wh-what happened…” he began to croak out, but once again, he stopped. Tears were pressing in the corners of his eyes, and he tried to blink them away. Jeno didn't say anything but sat silent. He didn't know what to do, or what to tell Taeyong to feel better. Maybe it was a mistake, talking to him. Maybe he shouldn't have meddled, just like Jaemin had told him. It's not his fight anymore. 

“I can’t help but blame him even though…” Taeyong's voice was completely broken now, and he tried to blink the tears away, but he couldn't. It didn't help that it was a beautiful spring day. A clear sky, and warm sun, shining downing on them, highlighting the tear that fell from his eye.

“I think you should talk to him”, Jeno muttered softly. Taeyong didn’t look at him, nor did he answer, so Jeno continued 

“I don’t like seeing-” 

“Jeno please, just stop” Taeyong interrupted him. The rest of the tears were burning hot in his eyes, threatening to spill. He bit his lip, trying to stop it from trembling, and let out a breath.

“I hear you, and I understand,” he croaked out, and the tears fell silently from his eyes. 

“and I know you just want to help,” he continued “But I can't, it’s hard enough as it is”. 

"I-" Jeno started out. Guilt kept welling up inside of him, the more Taeyong told. How could he not? 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up" he continued, eyes glued to the ground as he couldn't look Taeyong in the eye anymore.

"It's a little too late" Taeyong choked out, eyes glassy with tears, glistering in the sun. There was a twisted smile on his face, as though he was laughing at the words he had just spoken. Laughing at his own pain. 

Jeno was a mix of emotions, watching what Doyoung had caused in front of him. All that pain, for what? For him?  He felt guilty, and he felt sad on Taeyong's behalf, but he also felt angry!. Angry that his brother could ruin people without caring! Angry that he went against his word! How could his brother have been that blinded by hate? 

Jeno wasn't usually an angry person. He rarely got angry at anyone, but everyone had a breaking point. 

"I love him so much" Taeyong croaked out, tears streaming. Jeno's anger faded, and for a moment, all he could focus on was how hurt Taeyong was. There was a pain in his heart as if Taeyong was squeezing his heart, trying to make understand how hurt he feels.

"So what am I afraid of?" Taeyong continued to choke out. "Am I afraid I'll be hurt again?". He bit his lip, choking on a sob as hot tears kept falling more rapidly. His shoulders were trembling, and all Jeno wanted to do, was hold Taeyong, to stop him from falling apart. 

Seeing him so utterly broken; red eyes, tears caught in the sun, heart bleeding out because of something that wasn't his fault, this. This was Jeno's breaking point.

Kris woke up, drenched in sweat. It was still night, and all he wanted to do, was fall back asleep.

He just wanted to sleep, and then wake up, and move on with his life, but he was wide awake because of the nightmare, and it would take a while before he's calmed down.

The nightmares have come so often, it's almost a ritual. He'd wake up, in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, and his body shaking. Almost every night, his sleep was disturbed. 

It was silent in his room, and he sat up slowly, running a hand through his hair. He's so exhausted and frustrated, he wanted to cry out. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a good night's sleep

 His head was heavy, and a throbbing headache didn't help. He just wanted to sleep.

His cover was sticking to his cold and clammy body, and when he reached for his phone on the nightstand, he could feel the damp parts of the mattress underneath him. He hated it. He hated the sensation of lying in a pool of his own sweat.

He let out a deep breath and loathed in his self-pity. He hated the nightmares. Too real, too vivid. His hands were shaking, as he  his phone. 3:00 am was lit up on the screen.

He just wanted to sleep, but instead, he’s shaking and sweating with everything sticking to him. He’s hot, but trembling from the sweat running cold. He laid back down, unlocking his phone, and called a number, hoping the owner would pick up.

Hoped the other would still help. 

He couldn’t handle the recurring nightmares that'd been haunting him since he got home from China. Not when they were almost like PTSD, running through his mind.

When Sehun dropped Tao off at school, he watched a person walk with heavy shoulders and a broken expression on his face. Kris. 

Sehun would be lying if he said he didn’t feel bad for him because he did.

Back in October, when their schools had competed in soccer, he had been smiling, and walking with his head high, but now?

Sehun couldn’t recognize the guy walking into the school grounds. 

“-So, I’ll text you” Tao spoke with a smile, ready to leave the car. 

“Yeah” Sehun hesitantly let out, but then blurted out, “I still think you should talk to him” 

His breath hitched, and he kept his eyes on the steering wheel. Tao leaned back against the seat, staring out of the window. It was silent for a moment, and Sehun regretted opening his mouth, but he needed to say it. 

“Sehun-” 

“I know, Tao,” Sehun interrupted, “I know, but you can’t deny the fact that he’s not Kris anymore”. He looked at Tao, who sat with a guilty expression. He knew he wasn’t Kris, everyone knew, but how could he ask him? He didn’t want to lose him. 

“Sehun” he silently warned, fidgeting with his hands. 

“Seriously, even I feel bad for him-” 

“Sehun!” Tao snapped, and Sehun finally saw the frustration on Tao’s face. His eyes were glossy, his jaw tensed, and his fingers picking at his nails. 

He clearly didn’t want to talk about it at all, and Sehun looked away in guilt as his heart broke. Tao’s eyes softened up after a moment, and he let out a deep breath “I just… I can’t, I don’t know how” he softly muttered, and Sehun nodded. 

“I can’t say I understand, because I don’t,” he let out  “but if you can’t, then I guess you can’t” he ended, and took Tao’s hand in his, stopping him from fidgeting. Tao looked up at him and melted at the sight of Sehun’s soft eyes. There was a soft smile playing on his lips, and Tao's hand wrapped around Sehun's. 

“I just don’t want to see you like back in December when you lost him” Sehun admitted, voice slowly breaking.

“I’m so sorry,” Tao muttered with a heavy heart. Maybe he hadn’t been aware of how much it had actually hurt Sehun to see him like that.

“It’s okay,” Sehun tried to assure, but Tao softly shook his head. “No, it’s not”. 

“You’ve been there with me through everything, and it’s not fair at all”

He looked away from Sehun, deep in thought. 

“Somehow, when he was gone, even though I missed him, I was happy” He hesitantly admitted with a tense smile, and Sehun knew how much Tao hated admitting it. He knew Tao hated admitting that perhaps, it’d be better if his best friend was gone. Perhaps it was better if the only thing connecting them were the bracelets. 

“Tao” Sehun spoke, and Tao turned to him, but Sehun was hesitant in continuing.

“I love you so much, you know that right?” he let out, with a smile, and kissed Tao’s forehead. Warmth spread in Tao's chest, and a smile crept onto his lips. Suddenly, he didn't feel as bad anymore. It was like Sehun had healing powers. Every time Sehun touched him and every time he said those words, it was as if Tao's broken mess inside was healing little by little. He gave Sehun a smile “I love you too,”  and left the car, eyes filled with stars again.

The headache was back again when Kris got inside the school. After talking on the phone, he only managed to get a few hours of sleep. Every sound was too loud, every light inside the school was too sharp, and when his friends greeted him, he couldn’t greet back, from pure exhaustion. 

Johnny didn’t say anything when he came into the classroom, as expected. Kris couldn’t remember the last time they had talked together, just the two of them. If they ever did, it was during lunch or soccer practice, nothing more. No more secret talks or fights. Just fake small-talk. 

He didn't blame Johnny of course, as he had been the one who had caused everything to fall apart.

It’s like he can’t do anything right anymore. 

He slumped into his seat, wanting nothing more but to sleep everything off. He's too aware of the things he's destroyed, today. 

He’s ruined so much already. His friendship with Johnny, his friendship with the group. Their group is falling apart because of him, not to mention Baekhyun- Not to mention everything he had with Tao!- It was all his fault. If only he hadn’t kept everything so private, it would all be so much better. Perhaps, in another lifetime, another universe, it would be possible.

When the teacher came inside the classroom, he couldn’t help but scowl. He didn’t have the energy to follow through with the lesson, but the anxiety he hid deep inside him, kept pushing him to stay awake, making him aware of his fear of failing. He tried to listen as much as he could, even if it was a lost cause, and nothing stuck to his brain. 

When lunch was finally dragged around, Johnny got up and left, not sparing Kris one look. It was obvious he despised him.

Kris slowly made his way outside the classroom, seeing Tao wait for him in the hallway. A smile immediately crept onto his lips, and a warmth in his heart spread, but a pang of guilt pierced it, reminding him about how much he was lying to Tao, how much he was deceiving his best friend. He’s not even deserving of that title anymore. 

He wanted to tell him everything but didn’t know how to. It'd ruin everything if he did anyway, he was sure of it.

“Hey” he muttered, and they began walking to the cafeteria. It was always so silent between them when they walked together, but he didn’t know what to say. He was exhausted and couldn't handle dancing around different topics that meant nothing to either of them.

He glanced at Tao as they sat down at their table. How did he feel about it all? Did Tao feel the same way he did? 

He let out a sigh and looked away. He wouldn't be able to know what Tao was thinking...
 

Baekhyun watched the table from afar in the cafeteria. He knew he should eat lunch with them but he couldn't do it. When he saw how broken Kris looked, and how he tried to hide it when Tao wasn’t looking at him, a dark feeling grew in his stomach, and he couldn't bear sitting there. He couldn't stand it. 

So instead of walking towards his friends, the soccer team, he walked towards Jongin’s table, with a smile plastered on his face as he neared it. 

“Hey” he greeted them, as he sat down. He ignored the look Jongin gave him and interacted with his new friends. He didn’t need nor want to talk about what Jongin wanted to discuss. He knew Jongin was beginning to feel frustrated with him, but couldn’t he just let Baekhyun be, just a little bit longer? 

Back at his friends’ table, it was as tense as usual. Sicheng and Yuta were happy that they had each other to talk to because otherwise, they wouldn’t have survived. The table had become too frustrating and downright depressive again, just like before.

“Baekhyun didn’t come again” Taeyong commented, not really trying to have a conversation going. His mind was nowhere near reality anyway, too busy thinking about something else, though no one but Doyoung knew what.

“Seems like it, gotta talk to him soon” Tao commented, but not specifying what. Somehow, no one was surprised anymore because who at this table didn't have an agenda? Besides Yuta and Sicheng, and Lucas and Jungwoo? 

No one. Everyone had a hidden agenda, and it was too much to bear at times, so no one was surprised by that. What was more surprising though was that Tao said he'd talk to Baekhyun again like they used to do. The closeted chat hasn't had their talks in months. 

Yuta and Sicheng envied Baekhyun though.

Perhaps Baekhyun had seen an opportunity and taken it, and never looked back. Finally cutting them out, and starting anew.

When Tao and Kris had to part ways again after school, it was silent and tense as usual.

Kris was still beyond exhausted, but at least, no headache anymore, and when Tao bid him goodbye, he gave him a small wave, and hoped his face wasn’t twisted in guilt and exhaustion. 

He could fall apart once he’s back home tonight. When no one can see him, he can let his hardships out. 

After Tao left, Kris walked towards a black car, wherein his chauffeur was already waiting. Silently, he got in, and melted into the backseat, closing his eyes and pretending everything was fine again, just for a moment. 

Tonight, in the shower, he can fall apart. He just needs to survive until tonight.