A/N: I've begun taking way too long to upload and I apologize for that. I recently remembered I’ve forgotten to tell you something important.

Around November 2019 I was diagnosed with ADHD which could be the reason for my ty upload pattern back then and also why it became more regular in 2020 but now the uploads are decreasing again. This is because I recently started on a new medicine, and it didn’t go well, also my motivation decreases during winter, which I’m sure most of you can relate to. 

The good news is that 21 pages later, I finally have the chapter which marks the end of part 1 of this story! (Of course, I could've made it into 2 parts but I didn't want to do that)

That means we’re moving forward in the story.
I do have to announce that I’m taking a small break from the story during the holidays as I have a deadline on a project.

Hopefully, when I update in January sometime, it’s a new beginning. I want your opinion though.

Should I continue the story in a part 2? Aka listed as a separate story (a sequel), or continue writing it here? 

Thank you for everything though, I love you all so much and I appreciate you all for sticking with me and the story for so long. I hope you like the finale, please let me know what you think of it. I hope it satisfies you and makes you curious to know what happens next. I hope some of your questions got answered as well. Thank you so much, and I love you.

---

 

The night of the gala

 

"So this is where you wanted to take me” Tao spoke as they stood outside the entrance to a club “Mhm, this is my escape” he explained with a smile on his face “Here?”, Sehun nodded “Yes” 

"It’s a place for people like us, people whose uality or gender identity don’t fit the norm” He smiled reassuringly to Tao, yet he was still nervous. “But we’re minors” he questioned, and Sehun squeezed his hand

"Tao, don’t worry, it’s fine,” he spoke and Tao gave him a soft but worrying nod. 

His heart was beating out of his chest as they were let inside. 

It wasn’t at all what he had expected. It was golden. A fancy and elegant club for people like them. Not a typical nightclub but an upper-class bar for heirs and everyone else like them. People who had to hide from the world because the world was watching them. 

At the other end of the large lounge and bar was a stage where a man was singing rather jazzy tones. 

Tao hadn’t expected it to be like this, rather he had expected the golden club to be a dark nightclub with loud music playing, yet that wasn’t the case at all. He didn’t know that this would be Sehun's choice of escape. Even if he wanted to escape the cage of their life, he still kept parts of it. 

A giant chandelier hung from the tall ceiling and Tao could spot a second floor where people could get a good view of the stage, like a balcony inside a theatre. 

At a table, the sound of a drunk male was almost drowned out by the rest of the club because even if it was grand, you still knew it was still a nightclub. 

 

They stopped by the table with the drunk guy, who Tao realized was one of Sehun’s friends. 

 

He greeted them with a “Is it loverboy?~ Please say it’s loverboy~” while trying to get out of the grip another boy had on him. 

Tao chuckled awkwardly at it while Sehun facepalmed with his free hand, as the other still held Tao’s hand tightly. 

Sehun didn’t answer but gestured for Tao to sit down beside Minhyuk, which Sehun immediately regretted, knowing what Minhyuk was like. 

He glanced around the table and saw Minseok with a grin on his face, probably happy Sehun would stop bothering his boyfriend, who was looking away from them. 

It was understandable, yet it hurt that Luhan resented him that much. 

 

Tao greeted the curious stares he got with a shy wave. 

The boy beside him was muttering drunken words and leaning towards him. 

"Minhyuk stop” the boy who held him spoke. “And you wonder why no one wants to hang out with you” he commented, but the drunk boy didn’t register his words. 

 

"This is Tao” Sehun interrupted.  

"So it is Loverboy” the guy in front of Tao spoke “Yes” Sehun answered “He is” 

"It’s loverboy!!” The drunk boy exclaimed, causing Tao to lean away from him and into Sehun “Minhyuk leave him alone or I’ll break your arm” he warned, and put an arm around Tao’s shoulder.

"Obviously not really” he reassured Tao upon seeing the worry on his face. 

"Awww you’ve gone soft huh?” Minseok teased, and perhaps Sehun shot him a glare, without Tao noticing. 

"Honey look, Sehun has gone soft!” Minseok continued and gestured for Luhan to look. He did but it was only a short glance. 

“Mhm” he let out with a soft smile yet Sehun saw how forced it was. 

Was he still mad at him? 

It was fair. He hadn’t been a good person towards him but Tao made him want to be better. 

 

"Tao” he spoke, and his boyfriend looked back at him. 

"This is Minhyuk and Hyungwon” he continued and gestured to the two guys beside him who each gave a short greeting. Minhyuk’s being weirder than Hyungwon’s. 

"And this is Minseok and Luhan” he addressed the guys in front of them.

 

He saw how Tao's eyes lit up at the mention of Luhan. 

"Yeah, Luhan, I know, I’m a fan” he embarrassingly confessed. 

"Thank you for the great music” he spoke, keeping his eyes on Luhan, who stared back at him and gave an acknowledging nod. 

"So these are the friends you hang out with?” Tao asked, and Sehun nodded with a smile “Sometimes others join” 

"Minseok is Luhan’s boyfriend by the way” Sehun added and Tao’s eyes widened “So that’s the rumored boyfriend” He muttered and Sehun couldn’t help but smile at Tao’s face. He was too adorable. 

"Nice to meet you” Minseok greeted with a toast “We’ve heard a lot about you” he grinned. 

"You have?” Tao’s eyes widened, and flustered he turned to Sehun “What did you tell them?”. 

Sehun chuckled “I-“

"-That he’ll treasure you” Luhan interrupted, and Sehun fell silent.

The first words Luhan has spoken since they’ve arrived, and Sehun wasn’t sure what to feel about them.

 

"He’s cute,” Luhan said, looking directly at Sehun now “I didn’t know loverboy would look like that,” he continued.

Do you mean that different from you? Sat at the back of Sehun’s throat, but instead, he threw out 

"That sounds a bit rude”, with a forced grin and held Tao tighter who sat silently not knowing what to do.  

He wasn’t used to the possessive side of Sehun. 

"I'm sure he didn’t mean it that way Sehun” he tried to reassure him with a hand on his thigh. Sehun gave him a smile and loosened his grip and held his hand instead. 

"I know” he spoke but Tao could feel a lingering irritation. 

 

"We won’t bully you anymore” Minseok spoke with a grin “Now that we know Loverboy is an actual person” he kept grinning, and a dark pit grew in Sehun’s stomach. 

He wasn’t exactly sure why but he hated the way Minseok referred and spoke about Tao and him. Minseok always had something against Sehun and yeah, perhaps it was because of Sehun’s feelings towards Luhan but he had no right to drag Tao into this! No right! 

 

"Minseok, he has a name” he snapped, and was about to snap more but Minhyuk interrupted him.

 

"Hey, loverboy~ Tao~” Minhyuk called “Are you two dating~?” 

They all turned to the drunken guy, and both Sehun and Tao froze for a moment then looked down in embarrassment. 

Tao’s ears turned red and Sehun couldn’t help but smile at it. 

Tao wasn’t actually sure they were dating. They hadn’t exactly asked each other but Tao was pretty sure that they were. 

Neither answered though but still Minhyuk freaked out, and tried to hug them both while Hyungwon struggled to get him to sit down again. 

 

"We’ve gotta celebrate Hyungie~” Minhyuk drunkenly stated. "Next round on me~” he exclaimed, halfway standing on his seat.   

 

"Learn to pay up then” A new voice sounded, and they turned to see Onew or Jinki as Tao knew him by, standing by their table with a dissatisfied look on his face. He was wearing a pair of black pants, a white dress shirt, and a black apron around his waist. Tao sat frozen in shock and couldn’t speak seeing his friend somewhere he didn’t expect to see him.

 

"Do you guys mind keeping it down, people are complaining” Jinki continued while glaring at them. He had yet to notice Tao sitting in between the usual gang. 

 

"Onew, it’s a club what did you expect” Minseok grinned, and Onew let out a sigh.

"Taemin’s about to perform okay?” gesturing for them to keep it down and the group understood. Taemin was quite loved by the club and therefore if anyone was too loud during his performance, well, it wouldn’t end well. 

 

Tao finally found his voice and blurted out “Jinki?!” who turned to him with wide eyes.

"Ta-Tao?” he blurted out before turning to Sehun with a glare “Why’d you bring him here?!”.

"I didn’t know you were working today!” Sehun excused. 

"You work here?!?” Tao exclaimed. 

"Why are you here?!” Jinki shot back, dodging the question. 

"I’m introducing him to the others,” Sehun explained calmly and looked away from Jinki’s glare.

"You-!” Jinki scolded again, ready to smack Sehun's head, but refrained himself from doing so as Tao, who was like a little brother to him, was present. 

"We’ve gotta talk,” he spoke instead. 

"I think we should explain what’s going on” Sehun calmly threw back

"Why didn’t you tell me you knew each other?” Tao questioned, finally getting a grip on reality. Jinki scratched his neck. 

"I didn’t think Sehun would introduce you to this,” he reasoned. 

"Well, I want him to meet my friends-” Sehun started and Jinki listened “-Now that we’re dating-”

"-YOU’RE WHAT?!” Jinki yelled out, and Sehun hung his head, and the others flinched in fear and looked away. Tao’s heart jumped as he heard Sehun confirm they were dating.

"-Didn’t I warn you-” Jinki cut himself short and instead began to count to 10 in his head. 

He then pointed a finger at Sehun “We gotta talk!”, and Sehun nodded. 

"Now!” Jinki clarified, and Sehun stumbled up with a shaky “Okay”. 

 

There was an awkward silence after that. Minhyuk had magically sobered up, no longer leaning against Hyungwon but sitting up and looking at his glass. Minseok and Luhan sat and had a comfortable conversation with each other, while Tao sat tense and nervously. 

What the hell just happened?

 

"So you are dating. For how long?” Minseok asked, and Tao looked up at Minseok but then looked down at his hands instead. 

"Uhmm To-tonight” he stammered. “Tonight?” Minseok repeated in slight surprise which sounded mocking. 

Tao nodded softly “We-well we didn’t exactly ask each other...” he fell silent, not knowing how to continue. 

It’s not like Tao asked Sehun or the other way around but they both confessed, which counts right?  

"I see, and he brought you here?” Minseok questioned. Tao could sense that Minseok wasn’t the biggest fan of Sehun, or was it him he didn’t like? Did he dislike that Tao was there? He didn’t even know him yet though… 

 

"Hey Minseok, stop for a moment won’t ya?” A voice sounded, and Tao looked up to see a man stand by their table “You’re scaring the kid” 

 

Minseok didn’t seem to care much for the man but stopped.

"Key” he greeted but Key didn’t care. 

"Luhan, why don’t you say something to your man?” He spoke, but Luhan kept silent. “Oh right!” Key dumbfoundedly spoke, “You never do”.

Tao didn’t know the man but already knew he was the definition of sassy. 

 

"Key” Minseok warned, and Tao sat silently in his seat and enjoyed the scene. He looked towards Minhyuk and Hyungwon for an answer to the situation but the lads only shrugged and gestured that it was normal.

 

"Hey, you’re that kid Tao who sometimes hangs out at Jinki’s center, right?” Key asked Tao, and Tao reluctantly nodded. 

"Y-yeah” he replied and Key’s face lit up “I knew it!” he exclaimed, and slid down beside Tao, happily chatting to him. Somehow Key had a brotherly aura to him. Even if he didn’t know him, he was slowly feeling more comfortable.

"I’m a friend of Jinki, I’ve seen you down there a few times” he started out and Tao nodded at his words. 

"He’s so fond of you, he’s all about protecting you, keeping you safe, and all of that” he continued, and Tao didn’t understand how Key could keep on talking. 

"Don’t worry about Sehun by the way, Jinki is just giving him the older brother speech” He reassured but all Tao could think was what the hell is going on. He barely knew them, yet they already knew him.

"You know about Sehun?” Tao asked and Key looked at him as though it was obvious “Of course!” he smiled.

"Jinki and I are friends, he tells me everything, also Sehun is no stranger here, you know that right?” he pointed out, and Tao nodded.  “and right now I’m here to look after you until Sehun gets back,” he said and put an arm around Tao’s shoulder in a protective manner “Don’t want Sehun to get angry” Key stated as though it was common knowledge. 

 

Tao couldn’t stop thinking about how weird Key was. So talkative and friendly, yet secretive, lashing out at Tao’s idol and boyfriend, acting as though Sehun was a VIP of the club and someone not to mess with. 

"Why not?”. 

"Hmm?” Key let out. 

"Why are you worried about Sehun being angry?” he asked, and somehow the quiet table turned even quieter. 

"Tao, loverboy, even though Key would be happy to answer your questions, don’t ask too many, okay?” Minhyuk answered and also put an arm around him. 

"He’s just a close friend, and we don’t want our close friend to be angry because we didn’t watch out for his loverboy” Key added “Right Minseok?” he continued and Minseok shot him a glare “Right” he agreed and Key sassily smiled. 

"Well, I have to get moving” Key spoke. 

"Minhyuk, Hyungwon, I hope you’ll watch over loverboy, and Jinki’s brother,” he said, yet the last part he directed towards the two on the other side of the table, mostly Minseok. 

"I hope Jinki won’t forbid you from coming here” he bid Tao and left the table.

 

"Overwhelmed?” Minhyuk asked Tao, who still. He nodded silently and let out a breath “Sorry about that, Key can be a bit too much sometimes, and a bit dramatic but he’s a good guy” Minhyuk spoke. 

Tao only nodded again. He could sense that Key was a good person, yet he just wanted Sehun back. He didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to take this. 

Luckily Minseok didn’t interrogate him anymore.

"Key is kind of- I wouldn’t say guard dog- but still kind of” Minhyuk started out. Tao gave him a confused look, and Hyungwon took over “Key looks out for the minors here, makes sure nothing bad happens to them, and all that you know. He’s basically the brother of the club” He explained, and Tao nodded “Okay”. 

 

"I’m back” Sehun’s comforting voice sounded as he sat down by Tao who immediately lit up, “Welcome back” he greeted with a smile and Sehun squeezed his thigh “Hope it wasn’t too scary” 

"Well…” Tao started out but Minhyuk took over “Key came by and made sure Tao got a warm welcome” he explained. Sehun looked at him in silence then nodded at his words “That’s good” he commented and turned his attention back to Tao. “I hope he wasn’t too weird” he grinned 

"Just a bit” Tao grinned as well. Surely, it’s a bit scary now but hopefully, he’ll come to like this place and have it as a place of freedom just like it is for Sehun. Surely he’ll fit in here and with Sehun, it’s not too scary. 

 

"Jaehyun!” Taeyong’s mother greeted him with a smile. 

"Mrs. Lee” he greeted the middle-aged woman back. 

"It’s so late! What are you doing here? Oh, it’s probably Taeyong, right? It’s been so long since I’ve seen you!” She smiled at him and he nodded in silence. 

"It has” He answered “I came by to see how Taeyong’s doing” 

"Oh right, he’s been so down since the break started” she spoke with a worried expression, and Jaehyun’s throat closed up, his smile faltered.  

"I’m heading out now, but feel free to stay over” she offered with a smile, and Jaehyun gave her a small forced one in return. After Taeyong’s mom had left in the car, he reluctantly stepped inside the house and closed the door behind him. 

It was dark and silent, so silent he held his breath, in fear it’d be too loud. He took off his coat and boots and made his way up to Taeyong’s room. 

"Tae?” He called out softly. 

"Tae?” he called out again as he stood in front of his bedroom door. 

"What are you doing here?” A muffled question sounded from the other side “Go home”. 

"Tae-” 

"I don’t want to hear it!” 

Jaehyun froze at the sudden outburst. His heart was beating too fast and loud inside his chest.

"Do you even know what I’m going to say?” he calmly let out.

"That it’s not what I think!” a reply sounded. 

"That you’re sorry and that you… and that you…” 

"Love me” Taeyong croaked out. 

Jaehyun leaned his head against the door. 

"But I won’t fall for it” he continued, and Jaehyun’s eyebrows furrowed and his hands turned into fists. 

"Doyoung was right,” Taeyong continued.

"But Doyoung is not right” Jaehyun muttered against the door well-knowing Taeyong didn’t hear it. 

He slid down the door and sat with his back against it. 

Doyoung wasn’t right at all. He played with them both for his own selfish reasons. What he said wasn’t right at all.

 

"I should have listened to him from the beginning” Taeyong continued, and Jaehyun’s heart broke. Something tugged at it, and he hated it. He hated how broken yet venomous Taeyong’s voice sounded. He hated how he had let it all come to this. He hated how Taeyong’s voice held an ironic chuckle, as though he should have seen it coming.

 

There was silence between them for a minute before Taeyong spoke again.

"Jaehyun do me a favor and leave” 

Again, something tugged at Jaehyun’s heart and he didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to leave but he didn’t know what to say either, he just knew they had to fix this. 

"Tae-” 

"I said leave!” Taeyong yelled but Jaehyun couldn’t. He was stuck to the floor. His legs refused to move before he had done what he had come to do. He was there to fix it all, explain what happened but it was like Doyoung had said that night. Taeyong hated him.

“Tae…” he tried again. He didn’t know what else to say, what could he say when Taeyong clearly resents him? Of course, he should tell him what really happened but he couldn’t get himself to say it. 

"I don’t want to hear it,” Taeyong spat.

 

"I’m sorry” Jaehyun let out anyway and heard a sniffle from the other side of the door. 

"Taeyong, I’m so ing sorry” he croaked out. 

"L-leave” Taeyong’s broken yet venomous voice sounded. 

Jaehyun stayed silent, trying to find his words, trying to figure out what to do.

 

He didn’t want Taeyong to hate him even more but would it help by telling the truth? He wasn’t sure. Maybe he should just give him time. Maybe Taeyong just needed time to understand what really happened.

 

"Okay,” he finally agreed and broke his own heart. He really didn't want to do it but it seems to be the only solution.

"I’ll leave but remember that Doyoung has been two-faced since the beginning” He continued, and tried to stay calm and unaffected.

“He’s played us both” he admitted and a tear rolled down his cheek. When was the last time he had cried for someone else? He rarely cried for someone he liked.

 

"I never wanted to hurt you” he croaked. 

"But it looks like I’m hurting you now, so I’ll leave” another tear fell “but I’ll wait for you. I know you hate me but there’s more to it” he confessed further. 

He didn’t just like Taeyong, he knew he loved him, yet he never would have imagined he’d cry for him.

It hurt. It hurt to love someone so much and then hurt them like that.

"I’ve ed up bad in the past, and what happened is my past coming back to get me”. 

He couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face now. He really loved him. He wasn’t playing with him, he never had. He knew he had been a player in the past but that’s not who he was anymore.

Yet he still hurt him.

"I’m so sorry for hurting you Taeyong, I’m so ing sorry that you had to be pulled into this. I’m so sorry”. He dried his eyes and choked back a sob but the tears kept silently falling. 

"I should’ve told you a long time ago” he started out “and now I’m afraid you’ll hate me even more if I tell you” 

He choked back another sob and tried to calm down. To stop his voice from shaking.

"So I’ll leave” he let out, voice broken, and got up from the floor. 

"I’ll stay away until you say otherwise” He promised. He wanted Taeyong to know he loves him enough to give him space. Enough to let him go if that’s what he wants.

"But I want you to know that I do love you” 

He stayed quiet, waiting for Taeyong to reply but when the other didn’t, he left with tears falling, knowing he couldn’t be with him again, couldn’t hear his voice again.

 

On the 18th Johnny and Ten woke up in Johnny’s apartment and got ready to leave for the airport.

"Ready to go home?” Ten asked Johnny with a smile as they ate their breakfast. 

"Yeah” Johnny answered with a small smile. 

Thinking about Chicago made him feel lighter. He would finally be able to take a break from everything that has been happening and relax. 

 

When they got to the airport they went together until they had to split, Ten leaving for Thailand, Johnny for Chicago. 

Johnny had smiled as he watched Ten disappear in crowds of people but now he felt utterly alone. He was all alone in the crowded airport, with no one to help him anymore, no one to keep standing on his feet. 

He made a note to bring back a present for Ten. He’s been helping him a lot these last months. From Taeyong to the deal with Tao. From picking him up at the hospital to comfort him when he cried. He’s been an amazing friend, and Johnny has come to cherish him a lot.

 

The snow had fallen heavily these past days, and when Johnny sat in the airplane he looked at the snow that covered the area around the airport through the window. It was with a rather heavy heart he left, but still, it was lighter than before. Sitting there, he couldn't help but think about how they were all slowly leaving, either for a short term or longer. Chanyeol, Ten, himself, and Kris as well. 

He really hoped Tao could handle that. Even though he knew Kris' reason for his behavior, he still hated him for the way he handled it. How he kept Tao in the dark. 

 

Tao was studying in his room when his mom opened the door. 

“Kris is here” she spoke with a smile, and after she left, Tao let out a sigh. 

How long had it been since he’s seen Kris? 

He hadn’t seen him since the ball. 

Kris had called him the night he was with Sehun, he hadn’t answered it back then and had forgotten to call him back. What had he been up to? Had he been relaxing at home? 

 

He slowly made his way downstairs with a heavy heart. It’d be weird to hang out with Kris, his best friend, who he hadn’t been best friends with for a while now.

 

“He’s at the door” His mom let out as he passed her by downstairs. Tao nodded and walked to the entrance.

The tall guy stood in his dark coat and boots. 

 

“Can we talk?” he asked when he saw Tao. 

“Outside?” Tao questioned as his eyes roamed his clothing.

Kris shrugged. “Thought some fresh air would be good” he reasoned with a small smile, and even if Tao hadn’t seen Kris for a while, even if he hadn’t crossed his mind, he still got butterflies in his stomach. 

Subconsciously he reached for the necklace around his neck, placing his hand over the pendant, feeling it under his fingertips.

“Okay,” he agreed with a small smile.

 

It was silent, and Tao focused on the sound of his boots stepping on the wet snow instead of the heavy atmosphere between them. 

The snow wasn’t as magical as it had been with Sehun, yet it was still something. Perhaps the epilogue of a movie where the protagonist has to say goodbye to his adventure, and a new beginning blooms. 

 

Even if they weren’t talking, it was as if their bond was trying to fix itself. It knew it was broken and knew both wanted it to heal, even if they denied it, and therefore it tried, even if it was a lost cause.

 

They ended up walking to the swings where they used to play. The same swingset where they had gotten into an argument earlier that year when Tao had run away.

 

“How have you been?” Kris asked and Tao kept quiet as he sat down on one of the swings. It was cold, but he didn’t care. 

“Good” he answered at some point, “You?” 

“Been okay” Kris shrugged and took the other swing. 

“Good” 

 

It was silent again, and Kris didn’t know how to start the conversation. 

Was he gonna apologize?

Tell Tao he was leaving for China? 

He wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what to say first. 

Were they even friends anymore? He wanted to say yes but it didn't feel that way and he knew whose fault it was. It’s too late to fix it anyway.

 

“What did you wanna talk about?” Tao voiced and Kris ignored the way his throat closed up. He looked down at his feet, then turned to Tao.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting” 

Tao didn’t really care much for the apology and he was sure Kris knew that. 

How many times had he apologized so far?*  

How many times had he actually meant it? He always apologized but never lived up to any of them.

“I shouldn’t have avoided you like that,” Kris continued. 

 

“You used to put me before them,” Tao voiced, and Kris knew he was referring to his girlfriends. 

 

Tao softly swung himself as he looked down at the ground. The taller one let out a deep breath “I know” he admitted. 

“I’ve been a horrible friend,” he continued but then didn’t know where to go with it. He softly chuckled at himself “This year has been rough huh?” 

“Rough to us” he wanted to say but he couldn’t. 

Tao nodded. “It has” he agreed, yet didn’t add anything else. 

 

“I’m going to China tomorrow” Kris blurted out, breaking under the tense air between them. Tao stopped swinging for a moment. 

“Why?” he asked, then continued swinging. 

“To celebrate the holidays, and…” Kris paused “Chinese New Year” he finished and held his breath. 

Tao didn’t say anything but stared at his feet “So you’ll be gone for a while” he stated, still looking down. 

“Yes” 

“I see”.

 

He still softly swung but besides that it was silent. Kris couldn’t read Tao’s reaction. Was he sad? Shocked? Apathetic? 

He wasn’t sure. He could only guess.

 

“Was that what you wanted to say?” Tao asked and the words were stuck in Kris’ throat. Did he really not care? 

The tears stung in his eyes, and he tried to blink them away. Did Tao really hate him? Would it all be a lost cause when he comes back again? 

 

“I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas since I wouldn’t be here” he tried to say with a stable voice, yet the shakiness was there.  

“I bought you a present,” he continued and took a small wrapped box out of his coat. 

“Merry Christmas” he spoke with a forced smile he hoped came across as happy, as he handed the present to Tao who sat with wide eyes. 

 

“Thank you” Tao spoke as he placed it in his lap. 

It was silent for a moment before “I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything” Tao apologized, and Kris would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt but nevertheless he kept smiling. He was happy Tao at least still worried about him.

 

“It’s okay, as long as you trust me I don’t need anything else” He confessed but would Tao believe him? 

It wasn’t a lie though. As long as Tao still trusted him, as long as a part of him was with Tao, he’d be fine.

 

Tao didn’t answer but nodded his head.

“Tao I’m sorry” Kris let out again.

“Don’t be sorry” Tao croaked out “I’m sorry”. 

“I’m…” he stopped talking and got up from the swing. 

“I was studying, I’m gonna go back,” he blurted out.

Kris fought back the tears and pretended his heart didn’t just break “Okay” he let out, and luckily Tao wasn’t looking at him.

 

“See you next year” the younger spoke. 

“See you..” Kris replied and Tao reluctantly walked away. 

 

He didn’t know why he suddenly had to go. He just couldn’t stay. Everything hurt. His heart hurt so much and he didn’t know why. 

Was this their last goodbye? Was that why? 

Was this the end of their friendship? The end of the story? The protagonist’s goodbye with his adventure?

Tao’s last goodbye with a chapter of his life? 

 

He didn’t even make it far from the swings before the tears began streaming. Sobs forced their way up, and he fought to keep them down. When he knew he was out of sight from the swings, he let himself fall apart.

 

He couldn’t concentrate the rest of the day, couldn’t tear his eyes from the gift. His best friend from his early childhood, his best friend who had always been there, was leaving for a long time, and he didn’t even give him a proper goodbye? 

He couldn’t even wish him a merry Christmas? 

They used to be best friends, were they not that anymore? 

To gain something, you have to lose something. He knew that but losing Kris didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel right at all to end it like this. 

 

He ran out of his room, down the stairs, and outside. He didn’t care about bringing a jacket, he wasn’t even going that far. It was dark outside but it didn’t matter.

 

He ran the short distance to Kris’ house and rang the doorbell. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know what he was going to say. 

His heart was beating out of his chest, the cold air biting into him, but it didn’t matter.

 

“Tao?!” Mrs. Wu sounded as she saw Tao. 

“Is-is Kris home?” he asked, and she immediately nodded and gestured for him to come in, which he rejected “I’m not staying for long, I just need to talk to him quickly” he reasoned. “O-okay” she replied and even if she didn’t want to, she let him stay at the door and left.

Soon Kris came to the door. 

“Tao?!” he exclaimed upon seeing him without a jacket. 

“Why are you not wearing a jacket?” he asked as he took his own jacket from the closet and put it over Tao’s shoulders. His eyebrows were stuck together in a worried expression, and Tao can’t remember the last time Kris looked like that.

“We basically live next door” he dismissed with a small smile.  

“I just…” he started out “Came here to…”. 

Kris stepped outside and closed the door behind him, fixing the jacket on Tao’s shoulders. “You didn’t have to come in such a hurry” Kris commented, and Tao looked up at his face. His brows still stuck together, eyes soft and filled with worry, yet they were slightly puffy “I just…” Tao didn’t finish his words but engulfed Kris in a hug instead. 

“Merry Christmas” he mumbled into his shoulder and tightened his grip around Kris. Kris’ arms naturally s around Tao’s neck and back and held him close.

“Have a safe flight,” Tao continued and inhaled kris’ scent.

 “Thank you,” Kris replied. Perhaps warm tears silently made their way onto Kris’ shoulder, and maybe Tao hoped Kris didn’t notice even though he did, and he didn’t care.

If Tao needed a shoulder to cry on, he’d always be there. Except soon, he wouldn’t be there. He hoped his Christmas present could remind Tao that’d always be there even if he wasn’t. 

  

 

The next day Tao spent his day inside his room, and sitting leaned up against his bed, crying because of his best friend.

Oh, how many times had he cried over Kris?** 

Most times it would be over his crush, yet he knew this wasn’t the case now. The pain went deeper than that.
This was about the friendship they’ve had for so long, never being too far out of reach even if this year has tried to prove them wrong but they always made up. 

Even if they had been fighting and avoiding each other, they knew. They always knew they could make up because the other was always near. Just like yesterday. 

 

Now, Kris was leaving, and even if it’s not for long, it’s still too long and too far away, now they wouldn’t be able to make up. At least they managed to do so yesterday. He didn’t want to know what might happen if they hadn’t.

He didn’t even know what would happen now they had made up but he still knew it’d be better than if they hadn’t. 

Deep in his heart, he knew.

 

 

His Christmas went by quickly. Opening presents wasn’t his favorite thing this year, knowing Kris wasn’t in the house next door. Knowing he couldn’t just run next door and thank Kris for his present. It made opening Kris’ present hurt even more and seeing the bracelet inside with both of their first name’s initials almost had him cry. 

The picture of Kris wearing a matching bracelet with the note “I hope these months won’t be too hard for you. I’m still with you, and you’re still with me, as I have one too”, on the back, had him grab his jacket, and leave the house.

It didn’t matter if it was snowing, it didn't matter because Kris could still hurt him. Kris still had power over him, Kris still managed to make him fall all over again.

He tripped and fell onto the ground near the swings. He still held the picture and bracelet in his hands. “Why…” he croaked up, looking at the swings in front of him. He sat up slowly and even if he was freezing, he wasn’t able to get up.

“Why did you have to do that?” he croaked out, clutching the bracelet in his hand. 

“Why?”, and the tears fell again. 

Why did Kris always have to do something like this? Set him free but then pull him back in when he gets too far away?

Surely he had gained love but why did it have to be Kris he lost?  

 

Sehun’s Christmas wasn’t exciting. When could it when it was just him and his dad in the big mansion that wasn’t a home anymore?

It’s not like there has been any family there for a long time, not since the divorce. 

Sehun didn’t come home often but it’s not like his father complained about it. 

He let him live in his own apartment as long as his grades were fine, he helped at the company and came home once in a while whenever his father asked, and Sehun obeyed. 

Even if it sounded like a lot, it wasn’t too much for Sehun. It was a small price to pay because for Sehun it meant he could leave the suffocating house, and have his freedom for a few more years. 

Surely he and his father didn’t have a great relationship but the word “family” just didn’t make sense anymore. 

When could it when the woman who had birthed him didn’t even acknowledge his existence anymore?

 

He had promised his father he’d stay during the holidays, and so he did. Even if he wanted to leave every time they sat at the silent dinner table, he still stayed because in the end he could go back to his apartment and let go. Staying in this cold house was a small price to pay, he reminded himself.

“Sehun” his father spoke up during their dinner. 

“Yes?” Sehun asked but his father didn’t answer. It seemed as though he was hesitating to speak up again. 

“How is school?” he asked but Sehun was sure he was hiding something, he didn’t ask though but kept his suspicion.

“It’s fine,” he answered and continued eating. If his father didn’t want to tell him, he didn’t want to hear it. If his father was that much of a coward, he didn’t care.

 

Tao spent New Year’s Eve with his friends, once again at Lucas’ house but luckily only their friend group this time. Mark and Hyuck had made up, Taeyong was with them again, even though he didn’t seem to enjoy it as much as the others, just like Tao. 

 

Even with all of his friends around him, Tao still felt alone. Kris wasn’t there as he’d always be. He wasn’t standing by his side, wasn’t keeping him company, keeping him steady. 

He and Johnny hadn’t even been in contact since the ball and it seems he and Ten had grown closer. Tao was happy Johnny was okay, and he wanted to tell him about his night at the club but he didn’t know if he had the right to anymore. Surely, he had previously told Johnny everything that happened but now that he knew Johnny had loved him all that time, wouldn’t he just be hurting him even more?

 

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun let out as he sat down beside Tao on the couch.

“Kris?” he asked and Tao nodded with a heavy heart.

“Is this what you…” Tao tried to speak but the words were stuck in his throat. 

“Yes,” Baekhyun confirmed and put an arm around Tao’s shoulders. It was exactly what he had felt when Chanyeol left. 

 

“Luckily, you know Kris will keep in contact with you” he comforted with a soft smile. Tao shrugged “Maybe” he let out, fidgeting with the glass in his hands. His eyes fell to the bracelet around his wrist. Kris hadn’t texted him yet.

 

“Tao” Baekhyun sighed “Seriously you guys have been stuck together forever. I doubt you’ll break apart” he spoke but Tao just let out a sigh at his words

“But it’s already happening” he argued, and Baekhyun an annoyed breath “Tao stop”. 

“I don’t wanna hear any more of this okay? It’s ing New years eve so celebrate that a ty year is over and wish for the next to be better okay?!” 

Tao didn’t answer. 

“Okay?!” Baekhyun spoke again and Tao hesitantly nodded. “Okay.”

“Then let’s party!” Baekhyun exclaimed and pulled Tao from the couch. 

 

God, he’s lucky he has a friend like him. God, he’s thankful that all of these guys are his friends. Even if they were a group of misfits, they were all misfits together. Even if they were heartbroken, they could be heartbroken together. 

 

With only a few minutes left for the countdown, Tao’s phone rang, and he stopped partying and went outside to answer it. The loud music was still audible, and fireworks were still fired off even if most people were inside to get ready for the New Year.

“Hey” Tao spoke into his phone. It was cold, and he probably should’ve brought a jacket. 

“Hey” Sehun’s voice sounded, and a smile crept onto Tao’s face.  

“Are you having fun?” he continued, and Tao shrugged, even if Sehun couldn't see it.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” he answered and looked at his friends through the windows. Baekhyun was wearing a ridiculous party hat and trying to put the rest of them on their friends. 

“My friends always know how to have fun,” he explained with a chuckle “They can be quite ridiculous though” he chuckled, watching how Baekhyun tried to put one on Johnny. 

“Is that so. I’m glad you’re having fun” Sehun spoke “We should have been together tonight,” he continued. 

“Well, you’re celebrating it with your friends, and so am I” Tao reasoned, his smiling growing wider on his face as he paced around the terrace.

“Yeah but you’re my boyfriend. I should kiss you when it’s New Year” Sehun teased and Tao stopped pacing. “I…” he tried to speak but he was too flustered to do so. 

“It’s almost time…” he commented instead, and Sehun chuckled. “Look up” he spoke, and so Tao did, and there, by the front of the house, Sehun stood with a smile on his face as breathtaking as ever. 

 

“Sehun?!” Tao blurted out, and Sehun laughed into the phone. 

“Surprise,” he spoke with a smile.

“ONE MINUTE” Tao heard Lucas’ voice sound from inside the house.

“Come” Tao gestured and ended the call, and Sehun hurried after Tao. 

Tao’s heart was beating fast and he wasn’t sure if it was because of Sehun or in excitement for the New Year. 

 

“10!” it sounded from inside the house, and Sehun stopped in front of Tao, heart beating fast as well. 

“Tao, I love you” he spoke, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“I know” Tao replied with a flustered smile, his eyes never leaving Sehun’s.

 

“5!” It sounded again, and their hearts beat so loud they believed the other could hear it.

“I love you too” he muttered. 

“3!”

Sehun took a few nervous steps closer to Tao. His legs were wobbly, which was a new experience for him as he had never felt this way around anyone before, not even Luhan but he knew it was a good thing.

“2!” 

“1!” 

Sehun leaned in and kissed Tao, who melted into it immediately. His heart was still beating fast and in fear of his legs giving in, and he leaned onto the railing as Sehun deepened the kiss even more.

He let his hands roam Sehun's neck and hair while Sehun placed a hand on the railing, and one on Tao’s waist. 

Sehun broke the kiss, and Tao needed a moment to remember what was going on.

”Happy New Year” his boyfriend spoke with a smile.

“Happy New year” he replied as well. They stood in silence for a moment, just taking each other in. There was a hypnotizing gleam in Tao’s eyes, and Sehun once again found himself lost in those black orbs. 

“I-”

 

“-OH MY GOD!” A voice interrupted Sehun, and they looked towards the door where Baekhyun was freaking out, and the others who came to the scene, after having heard Baekhyun’s scream. 

 

Tao’s ears turned red, and he slowly let go of Sehun’s neck. 

“When did this happen?!” Lucas exclaimed, arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders, yet he was slowly falling onto the floor. 

Tao hid his face in his hands, too embarrassed to face his friends while Sehun just stood silent, ears red for once, not expecting the friends to catch them like this. Not expecting Tao’s friends’ first meeting with him to happen like this. 

 

Two people didn’t come to the scene though. 

Just like Tao and Sehun, they had separated from the group but had found a more closed-off space so that no one would have to catch them. 

No one should know, and no one had to. It wasn’t even certain if anything was to happen between them yet. One recently heartbroken, and the other in love with the heartbroken person.

Upstairs they kept their secret from the others. 

 

“Ten?” Johnny let out as he parted from the kiss. He hadn’t even realized when Ten had kissed him. All he could remember was Ten asking “How sober are you?” and Johnny answering “Eh, tipsy” before Ten dragged him upstairs. 

 

He was also confused because even though he was sure he had never kissed Ten before, it was oddly familiar. 

Holding his small waist in his hands was oddly familiar, and it was too familiar how Ten had initiated it all. 

Even the place they were kissing was just like that night. 

He looked down at Ten. His heart stopped beating. 

“You…” he let out, finally figuring it out. 

“You’re…” he tried again, and Ten nodded his head, knowing what Johnny was trying to say. 

“I am,” he confessed and leaned against the wall. Johnny went quiet for a moment, and all they could hear was the distant chaos from downstairs, and the fireworks from outside.

“I-” Johnny started out, “-If you’re gonna say sorry I won’t hear it” Ten interrupted. 

“You’ve said it enough already”. 

Johnny stayed silent and scratched his neck “I just feel guilty” he muttered. “I didn’t even remember you, and I-” 

“What did I just say?” Ten spoke again with crossed arms, and Johnny stopped talking. He wasn’t a fan of the irritated Ten, knowing how hard he can kick from back when he was still on the team. 

“Let’s go down,” Ten continued. 

“We’ll talk about it later okay?” he said with a smile, and Johnny accepted with a nod.

 

When they got downstairs, the first person Johnny locked eyes with was Sehun, and he immediately froze in his tracks. What was he doing here? 

 

Sehun faintly acknowledged him and went back to talking to the group that was leading him and Tao into the living room. 

 

“Johnny did you know they’re dating?!!” Baekhyun suddenly spoke, and Johnny’s heart stopped beating. 

“No I didn’t” he replied and tore his eyes from the spot Sehun had been standing. When? He could only think. When did it happen?

Everything inside of him was empty. Tao looked so happy with him, so happy it hurt. If only he could have been that person.

 

“Johnny?” Ten’s voice sounded and Johnny returned to reality. Ten’s hand was holding his now, and Johnny didn’t know what to make of it, besides that it was comforting.

“I’m okay” he let out and shook his hand from Ten’s, then walking to the living room with Ten following him. He tried to ignore the conversation about Sehun and Tao but he couldn’t.

The group was too interested in it for him to ignore. They were all happy for Tao, and excited to meet Sehun. Everyone besides Johnny. Ten knew why and placed a comforting hand on Johnny’s leg as the latter kept staring blankly at the couple. He didn’t seem to register it, so Ten took his hand back again. 

 

“Does Kris know?” Baekhyun asked Tao. 

“No, and he can’t know” Tao calmly replied with an edge to it.

“Why?” Mark asked, and Tao turned to him “He just can’t okay?” Tao repeated, “He just can’t”. From there the conversation quietly moved on, and Johnny wanted nothing more but to disappear. 

 

Luckily, the group split. Tao and Sehun went outside once again, and the dreamies had gone downstairs. 

Johnny hadn’t noticed he had been staring at the couple again before Ten’s hand fell on his hand once more.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, and Johnny nodded “I’m okay” and looked back at Baekhyun who was also looking at the couple outside. It was just the three of them as Jungwoo had taken a drunk Lucas to bed, and Taeyong was as good as dead on a nearby couch. 

“Look how happy he is” Baekhyun spoke with a smile on his face. 

“I haven’t seen him smile like that in a long time” he continued, and Johnny’s heart broke more if that was even possible. 

“Sehun is a great guy don’t you think?” 

 

 

“That bracelet,” Sehun asked, pointing towards the bracelet Tao was wearing. 

Tao's smile faltered, and he sat down on the railing and fidgeted with the bracelet. 

“I…” He started out, feeling his throat close up. 

“I got it from Kris” he shakingly let out, and Sehun sat down on the railing beside Tao. 

“He’s in China right now” he continued, and shortly looked at Sehun then at the bracelet again. 

 

It hurt so much to explain, even more, he felt guilty towards Sehun for crying over Kris but he’s his best friend, so it’s okay, isn’t it?

 

“For two months...” he croaked out and sniffled a bit. Sehun hadn’t said anything and Tao was scared Sehun was gonna be mad at him for wearing the bracelet. 

He looked up at Sehun. 

“He’s my best friend” he tried to excuse and Sehun placed a hand on Tao’s. 

“I know,” he said with a soft smile “It’s okay. You’ve been friends for a long time. I can’t forbid you for crying over him” he comforted Tao who nodded as a few tears fell from his eyes.

 

“It just hurts so much” he cried, and Sehun pulled him into a hug “It’s okay” he whispered, “It’s okay Tao”. 

“It hurts because you’re close” he continued “And now you know what it feels to lose him”.

 

Indeed he knew what it felt to lose Kris. Finally, he knew what hurt the most between losing him or staying friends. 

 

Johnny looked at them again and saw Sehun comforting Tao, and anger stirred in him. Sehun had promised he wouldn’t hurt Tao, so why was he crying? He shouldn’t make him cry! He promised he wouldn’t hurt him! 

“Johnny calm down” Ten whispered, and Johnny turned to him, and as soon as he saw the worried look on his face, he let the anger go. Johnny had no right to be angry, and it wasn’t fair to Ten. 

 

“He was always chasing Kris, looking for love, and now Sehun has entered his life” Baekhyun spoke again, and Johnny remembered the night of the ball. The night where he had been the one to show Tao love.

Had it not been for him, had Tao run to Sehun? 

Johnny didn’t want to know the answer. 

Would Johnny have spent a night with Tao, had he not stopped Sehun back then?

He didn’t want to know that either. Whether it was because he regretted what happened or not, he wasn’t sure.

 

“He’s there to comfort him, he understands him- remember when he said that?” Baekhyun rambled on, and yes, Johnny clearly remembered when Tao told them about his first night with Sehun. How he said Sehun “gets him” with a smile on his face.

 

The couple came back in and announced they were going home. The party was dead anyway.

Baekhyun got up and hugged them goodbye whileTen gave a wave but Johnny only glanced shortly, seeing Tao’s red eyes. Worry immediately made its way up but he didn’t have it in him to ask Tao if he’s okay. Would Sehun even allow him? Instead, he kept staring at the floor, not wanting to see Sehun again.

 

It hurt a lot to see Tao that happy, even if that’s what he wanted, even if all he ever wanted was for Tao to be happy. He really thought he could handle it but he’s been proven wrong it seems.  

 

“Please make him happy” Baekhyun muttered to Sehun as he hugged him goodbye. 

“You don’t happen to have a single friend you can introduce me to?” He joked when they pulled away, when Sehun didn’t answer he quickly added “I’m kidding” but then, “Unless…”

 

“Baekhyun leave them alone,” Ten grinned, and Baekhyun let the couple leave. Johnny could feel the tears press on but he didn’t understand why. He had his closure. He had stopped chasing Tao, and he was okay, yet why? Tao was happy, so he was happy, should be happy.

 

Then Baekhyun slumped onto the couch and spoke 

“I think Sehun might be the best thing to happen for him”, and Johnny’s legs moved on their own. 

He ran towards the bathroom upstairs and fell onto the floor, letting the tears fall from his eyes. 

 

“Thank god Hanahaki isn’t a real disease” he remembered Tao speaking once, and Johnny remembered how he had agreed, and made a joke that had Tao fall over in laughter.

Even while crying out in pain, Johnny smiled at the memory, hating how it felt so good, yet hurt so much to love someone.

 

Thank god Hanahaki wasn’t real.

Thank god because if it was, it wouldn’t be sobs that fell from his throat but white roses, white roses which were Tao’s favorite flowers. 

White like his skin, white like his smile.

White like the snow and everything pure.

The color which the red blood would contrast so beautifully when the roses emerge from his mouth. 

 

Even if it wasn’t real it was still just as painful.

It still felt as if thorns were scratching the inside of his throat. 

As if the stalks were twisting themselves around his heart and clenching it so tight the thorns poked holes in it. 

Even if it wasn’t real, it still felt as if he was dying.

 

A pair of arms pulled him into a warm embrace, and Johnny let himself fall into it, holding onto Ten as he cried into his shirt. Ten's soft voice comforted him as he curled into his embrace, head on his shoulder, and arms tight around his waist.

“It’s okay” Ten muttered while Johnny’s hair. He wasn’t looking at him but looking at the ceiling, scared of crying if he looked at Johnny. He knew how much it hurt. 

“It’s okay,” he repeated again, yet he didn’t know how to comfort him.

 

“It hurts” Johnny achingly croaked out. “It hurts” he croaked out again, hitting his chest, hoping it’d stop his heart from bleeding out.

 

“I know” Ten whispered, “I know it hurts”, and continued to his hair. 

 

He wasn’t sure how long he held Johnny in his arms, neither was he sure when Johnny fell asleep against his shoulder, all that mattered was that he finally exhausted himself enough to fall asleep. 

He sat on the bathroom floor for a while before deciding to find a better place for Johnny to sleep. 

He slowly freed himself of his hold and went out of the bathroom to see if anyone was awake. 

Hopefully, if anyone had heard Johnny, they didn’t care about the sobbing coming from the bathroom. 

Seeing no one awake, he slowly took Johnny to a spare bedroom and tucked him in. He didn’t want to leave him but neither did he feel like he should be sleeping in the bed as him.

 

Johnny painfully opened his eyes. If he didn’t remember he had cried, he could surely feel it. He wished he could forget what happened last night, especially how he cried. 

He sat up in the bed and quickly noticed he was alone, wondering where Ten had gone. Had Ten left him? Had he left already for his dorm room? 

Just as he decided to get up, the door softly opened, and Ten came into sight.

“You’re awake” he let out and made his way to the bed. 

He was carrying a glass of water and a plate of food.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be awake but…” he spoke as he sat down beside Johnny “I wanted to make sure you would get something to eat” he continued. 

“Thank you” Johnny replied with a hoarse throat which caused Ten to chuckle “Maybe drink some water” he smiled, and so he did. 

“Thank you for the present by the way” Ten spoke “I love it”, he said and held up the teddy Johnny had bought for him in Chicago.

“I’m glad you like it” he smiled, and began to believe that eventually, everything could be okay.

 

---

 

After Tao left him at the swings he let the tears stream, the sobs painfully fell from his mouth. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he cried this much. When had he ever been so overwhelmed with sorrow and pain that he’d sob? 

He’s going to lose Tao, and nothing hurts more than knowing it’s because of himself. No, he had already lost Tao. 

Surely losing Tao was the most painful thing to ever happen yet.

The hot tears were too much for him to handle but he couldn’t stop them from falling. The more he tried to dry them, the more they fell. 

He’s leaving for months and didn’t even tell him why. How can that be okay? How can that be acceptable to do as a best friend? 

His heart hurt so much. So much guilt was welling up inside of him, and all he wanted was to apologize but it wouldn’t help. 

All he could do was leave and come back soon.

Surely by then, things will have changed. 

Kris would be changed, nothing would be the same for him.

Hopefully, Tao would still remember him, still stay with him. Hopefully, Tao will look at the bracelet and remember their friendship, promising to not let it go. 

He can only hope that Tao won’t hate him, won’t forget him. He can only hope he’ll wear the bracelet and forgive him for leaving, and for not telling him the whole truth. 

He had no choice but to leave. It wasn’t up to him anymore, just like Tao, he was going to find his small moments of freedom once he comes back home.

As long as Tao trusts him everything will be alright, everything will be fine. 

Hopefully neither will leave each other knowing how much it hurts. 

Hopefully, Kris would be able to fight the universe.  

On New Year's Eve, he sent one single message "Happy New Year". Tao didn't answer it but that was okay.

He'd probably see it once he woke up. 

 

---

 

* Apologized 10 times

** Cried 10 times, 15 times if including this chapter