Rocking side to side on the horse along the sea shore. The gentle summer breeze a little stronger by the water was a welcome event to your body, with your husband’s body heat radiating on your back and his arms out front gripping the leather reigns in your lap with white knuckles. Resting your fingers on his hands, hoping to ease his grip with no success at all ,you finally mustered the courage to break this peaceful silence.  “Darling? “

“Yes honey?” His voice mellow and gentle with the view of the beach wide ahead of us. The sky painting itself with hues of orange above cirrus clouds, the push and pull of the ocean the perfect background to our setting.

“Would you care to explain why this noble steed is faster than your vespa?” you smiled over your shoulder, batting eyelashes with the most innocent expression one could muster.

“You noticed?” he sighed defeated. “I can’t make him go any slower or else he stops.”

“Of course he’ll stop, here, hand them over” you ushered for the reigns on the horse. With great hesitance, said husband handed over the reins with a look of great suspicion.

“I have a very bad feeling about this,” he breathed.

“Yet you’ll still let me have my way,” a smirk graced your face. You didn’t need to see the look of horror on his face, if anything you’d learnt the thrill life wasn’t for him. “Just trust me, and hold on tight. Yah!” with a kick to the horse’s side, you’re or running along the beach, nothing but the hooves pounding rhythmically on wet sand and the wind whizzing by.

“Darling look, We’re flying!” you shouted for your husband, as the world zoomed by, clouds formed pink and orange streaks in the subset glow. A hearty laugh rang through your chest into the open air. You didn’t understand why you were laughing.

 Is it the adrenaline from the thrill? Is it the fact you’re happy with your soul mate?

Or is it the fact you don’t have to run anymore…Or do you?

Bringing the noble steed to a slow halt, a smile remained planted on your face, but tears fell from your eyes. You’re happy, genuinely happy to be here. But what is this coddle feeling that’s eating at you?

Yongguk hopped off the horse immediately, stumbling as he walked along the beach, you were so zoned out on your own, you didn’t realise until the cold breeze hit your now exposed, unsheltered back. Looking to see the silhouette of the man you love walking away from you, a dark shadow looming over him.

Something wasn’t right. Hopping off the horse yourself, you followed after your man. Reaching him you turned him around “What happened-”

Your words stopped when you saw tears b angry eyes. “What was that?!” he boomed. “God why are you so stupid!” he raised his hands to his face, trying his utmost to hold back his sobs.

“I-I’m sorry it scared you-”

“Sorry?! You intentionally do the one thing I’m not doing and you’re sorry?!” he lashed out. “If I wanted to make the horse run, I would! Dammit.” He cursed quietly as continued streaming down his face, blowing out breaths to calm himself down

At this point you realised how much you had changed. Gone were the days where you’d fight someone for being insulted…the pain of an insult is there, but the wound of having hurt your loved one felt so much bigger.

“You drove your vespa so slow” you said quietly, observing him. “ I didn’t think you’d have the horse gallop with me on board-”

“You’re right…”he retorted with his back to you. Turning around he held your hands in both of his. “I’m so terrified of anything bad happening to you. Anything,” he reiterated with a whisper, gulping any sobs in his way. “I can’t let the fears of last night go.” The expression of fear and hurt filled Yongguk’s eyes with heavy tears now rolling down his cheeks. His hands trembled as he held your own. He seemed to hiccupping like a child I'm between sobs, heaving a breath before speaking, “We fired guns. We could have killed people. That time I was terrified, anyone could do that to you-”

This anxiety and panic- wait... It all made sense.

Yongguk is not okay right now. 

“Darling, darling look at me.” You reached out and cupped his cheeks, while he still gripped your hands. He didn’t look anywhere except at the ground, on the verge of hyperventilating with teas falling off long black lashes to wet the sand below. “You saved me. If you didn’t have my back, I wouldn’t be able to hold you like this.” You cooed, it’s difficult seeing someone so dear suffering, especially when your actions have triggered their current anxieties unintentionally. “Associating with me, often you’ll be tested with such visits from my past. I’m sorry for my history, yet I believe you that you’ll protect me.”

He still couldn’t meet your gaze. His right hand fisted and began pounding at his chest, quickly you grabbed a hold fo the hand, trying to stop him from harm as much a possible. Holding your right hand on his cheek, he turns to sob into it. “I shouldn’t have insisted for us to go to that dinner-”

“No, you did the right thing,” you spoke calmly. “You’ve protected me in your own ways, and you’ve given me something I never had back there,” you reiterated. Never did you think your husband’s vulnerabilities and insecurities would mirror your own. At this point, you can’t help but look at him in the eye with a tender expression. “You’ve given me respect. As a human, a woman and your spouse. You’ve given me recognition in my own family; I’m no longer the antihero in my father’s story, I'm my own being. That’s the protection you’ve given me; pride and status stronger than a bulletproof vest.” A tear rolled down your cheek as you smiled at your husband braving his pain for your sake. Slowly Yongguk’s breath began to stabilize, but the fist against his chest wouldn’t stop. Hoping a hug could help you slid your arms around your husband snugly, standing heart to heart on your tippy toes, resting your chin on his shoulder. If there is a God out there, please help us heal at this moment. 

“Why are you doing things that terrify me regarding your safety?” Yongguk spoke up quietly in between sobs a hand on your hip, thumb rubbing circles a he slowly calmed down. “Don’t you get it? You’re my respect, my responsibility…my heart. I can’t let myself live with anything happening to you. I’m the man I am because you’re with me.” you knew he wouldn't hit you, the fist once pounding his chest now rested on your shoulders still baring white knuckles, while is head rested on your shoulder.

Smiling against him, you slid a hand up to rake through his hair. “My love, I understand your fear all too well… it’s the same as mine. I am who I am today because of you. I’ve changed so, so much because of you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The present with you has become my raison d'etre. I can’t have you going anywhere either, can I?” You felt him shaking his head against you, pulling you closer, and you sighed against him. “But I also can’t keep you bubble wrapped and constrained. My love, you’re no different to a free bird belonging in the wild, who is now in a cage because of following a caged bird like me. The more you focus on how big the cage is, the more trapped and fearful you’ll remain with uncertainties. To be happy in our reality now, we must recognise that the cage isn’t important, and we're still free from within. Sure it’s not huge, but it’s big enough. For you, for me, and anyone else in our life when they arrive. Soon, we won’t see ourselves in a cage anymore, so we need to learn how to be happy. This lesson will pave happiness for us wherever we are.” A comfortable silence fell between you. Honestly you didn't know what you were doing at this point, desperation for his health would make you do anything you thought could work. 

“I married the right woman.” He breathed. Slowly, he pulled away from the embrace, still holding onto you and looking at the ground. You two stood there in silence until he began “I never drive my bike so slow, I didn’t want my woman getting hurt in any way, or scared by anything. If I wanted to make the horse run like I did when I came up to you, then I would.” The man before you was so, so vulnerable. Seeing new sides of yongguk made you feel greater respect for him, he was showing out everything about him. 

“I don’t think I should be insulted with being called stupid though. That hurt my feelings, even though I understand why.” You smiled, mustering the strength your broken husband needed. Sad eyes looked up at you from the ground, at least he's looking at you now. “I forgive you though, you worked very hard to prepare this picnic. I had so much fun today, even flying was fun.” hand in hand with yongguk, the innocence fonyour comment spread warmth between you two. 

“I’d roam the skies all day long with you if I wasn’t so scared about this cage,” he replied, holding eye contact. He's clearly trying to pic ehimsekf togethe, bit by bit. “I know you’re right. You are right. I haven’t had the opportunity to digest all this yet, I’m glad you’re waiting here for me….and I’m sorry for insulting you, and for yelling.”

You leaned up for a chaste kiss, a silent acceptance of his thoughts and feelings. “Where to next? This time, you can take the reins on your noble steed,” you smiled while hugging Yongguk from the side, aiding the walk towards the horse.

_________________

A.N:

I'm back. 

Change had given me major writers block, as a creator I hadn't changed in anyway while writing this piece for I had little understanding of the realities of marriage and how it changes people. I'm not married to understand things to this depth, but, I believe I've reached a level of maturity to depict the difficulties and challenges faced in marrige bit by bit. 
I was concerned, for Yongguk is always, always supporting our protagonist. I believed it was time to unveil how he's feeling. With marriage, I hope to unveil more of the side one cannot see on AFF stories.
I hope my style hasn't changed to much, and if it has I hope it's for the better and brings my story readers happiness. I will continue to pour out pieces of my soul in Change, in hope the change within myself can positively imfuence someone, or aid their intellctual development through educated discourse. 

I hope to regain everyone's trust and support with my effort and craft.

Signed with love,
ScholarJayKay