Falling For You

Chapter 44

For the past two weeks Rian has been practicing and recording for her comeback. She posted about the news first on her SNS and after that official information was posted on the company’s website and many articles were posted regarding that.

Rian only read the comments on her Instagram and she read mainly the supporting comments, although there were few not so supportive. Slowly she and Shi Woo started forgetting that they had announced their relationship and just returned to live the way they did before that – happily, enjoying their relationship.

However, at the same time everything had changed so much. Going home after spending the whole day outside and finding that someone is already waiting for you have become a source of strength for both of them.

Although nowadays it’s been Rian who comes home later, Shi Woo seriously didn’t mind it. Instead he learned cooking some different dishes and prepared her dishes she could enjoy and not think if they will cause her diet to go to waste. He indeed didn’t have much to do. He checked drama and movie scripts, which meant that all day he didn’t leave the apartment. After a few days passed he realized he really needed some time for himself. Once Rian left to go to the company he would start with playing some music from the TV and then looking around the apartment.

All kinds of thoughts would come and a smile would slowly creep on his face. The apartment was filled with Rian's traces, her items and even by seeing all her items placed around, he would feel happy. He couldn’t express those feelings he had either.  

For the past days both of them woke up to Rian's alarm – a soft tune to start the day peacefully. Rian would immediately close the alarm and by then Shi Woo would already have opened his eyes and would be smiling at her. She would peck him and carefully get out of bed to prepare breakfast. Once everything was ready she would call him out and they would eat while looking at each other.

Each day started this way and finished with Rian coming home and both of them relaxing together, cuddling.

“Welcome home.” Shi Woo called once he heard Rian walking in. he walked to the door and gave her a hug as soon as she closed the door.

Rian's giggles filled the air, as Shi Woo didn’t stop with just a hug, as he had missed her the whole day.

“It was a long day indeed.” She said after Shi Woo let go of her. “Don’t look at me like that, I'm already feeling sad because I can't spend more time with you.”She said and pouted in the end and then hugged him again. “Did you do something today?” she asked, as she clung to his neck while they walked to the sitting room.

“I do ‘something’ everyday.” Shi Woo said as a matter of fact and Rian chuckled. “It’s just that I do the same things every day. I quite like it that way.” He added.

“What did you use to do before I moved in?” Rian asked, as she was curious. They had talked about so many things but little things like everyday things were forgotten.

Shi Woo smiled. “I did nothing.” He said and Rian immediately raised an eyebrow at him. He had expected a similar reaction so he continued smiling even more widely and pulled her closer to his body and placed his hand over her shoulder.

“Most days I would be at the company – whether I practiced dancing, recorded or made songs, I liked being there. I detested the ways when I was home, even if they were only a few. I only watched TV and ate delivery food. My apartment didn’t feel like home and all those things I had didn’t make me feel happy. So I always made sure I was busy at the company.” Shi Woo explained.

Rian nodded her head, the way Shi Woo spoke those heavy words with a smile on his face, brought a wave of sadness to her, but she had already known that he, just like her, didn’t live 24/7 happily.

“What about now?” she asked then.

Shi Woo laughed and kissed her cheek, then smiled at her sweetly when she looked up at him.

“Now? Well, now when I'm home I just look at all the things that scream ‘Rian’ and keep remembering you. I feel strange that although you're not here there is still the warmness that you radiate when I'm next to you. Just like now.” He said softly, while Rian's eyes kept on looking at his face as if analyzing. “You're staring too much.” He chuckled.

Rian shook her head and then cuddled closer to him. “The way you speak has a calming effect on me. I am not sure whether it’s the words you pick up or simply it’s your voice, but whatever it may be, I like it. The way we are now, I can feel your heartbeat almost, the way your chest raises and falls slowly, it’s slowly putting me to sleep.”

Shi Woo laughed loudly. “Are you a baby now? Guess, all this practice drains you a lot. Even though both of us have been experiencing this thing so many times, we still can't get used to it. I can't help but worry what if you don’t eat through the day and keep practicing only.”

“I no longer do things like that. I eat to gain energy to practice more.” Rian said simply and without even intending to do so – she remembered the beginning of her career as an idol, as a member of HershE.  Being pushed out to represent the group she received a lot of hate along the popularity the whole group got.

“That time you mentioned some pills you take… do you still have them?” Shi Woo asked carefully. Rian's past was a sensitive issue and he was well aware of it, but he wanted her to open up to him about it. He wanted Rian to let it all out and finally take a deep breath and not think about it ever again.

“I carry them around all the time. However, it has been almost a year since I've last taken one. They are just always with me just in case.” Rian mumbled. “I have told you I started taking them after my debut, I had severe depression at that time and there were some times I was not in my right mind.” She continued talking quietly and left out a dry laugh then a long silence followed.

 Shi Woo didn’t say anything; he just waited. He gave her a chance to talk about it or to change the topic – it was all up to Rian.

“When we debuted the CEO decided they must push me out more than the other members because I was the visual in the group. I had the busiest schedule among the members even busier than JB and Si Woo oppa. I went on so many programs, did photo shoots and there was a huge media play about me. This resulted in a great popularity, but personally I received so much hate, even between idols.” Rian spoke softly again. Although her voice was rather steady, Shi Woo could notice how she had chills and her body had become stiffer compared to before.

“I couldn’t tell anyone, because I knew everyone would see it as a bratty act. But I took everything too personally.” She bit her lip. “One day I was resting, out of the blue I found a razor blade and slowly made a few cuts on my upper arm. It was not a suicide attempt.” She said quickly, because she felt Shi Woo flinch slightly as she spoke. She gulped and continued.

 “I just wanted to feel physical pain that I caused myself, because I had control over it. Some nights I just went to the toilet and left it with a few small cuts on my legs and arms. I hid them. Then because I thought this wasn’t enough I would starve myself and end up fainting… I did many things to harm myself. In the end I was in the hospital and it took me a great amount of time to change my mentality. I took those very strong pills regularly so I didn’t harm myself again.” By the time she finished hot tears were already falling down her cheeks.

“Some nights I fell asleep with the thoughts whether I will wake up in a hospital room, whether I will ever wake up after taking a few pills. They were really strong; it only took up to three minutes to calm me down. However, I never took too many, because deep down I was too scared.” Rian explained some more. “But I really am fine, completely better than I've ever been in my whole life. And most of the time I don’t have depressing thoughts, I don’t even remember much about those days… just sometimes when I notice thin white lines on my arms and legs I realize I've come so far.”

Shi Woo didn’t say anything and just hugged Rian. Time passed but they didn’t move. Rian fell asleep and Shi Woo carefully carried her to their bedroom and left once she put her to bed and covered her with a soft blanket. His heart broke as he listened to her story. He had always wondered how someone could be so wise, so kind, so wonderful like Rian… he had thought and imagined countl