Angst, angst, and more angst.

Prompt: Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" 

Word count: 1,151

"So it's gonna be forever,

or it's gonna go down in flames.

You can tell me when it's over

if the high was worth the pain."

"You were out again weren't you?" 

Sehun doesn't say a word. 

"Sehun." 

"It's none of your business," Sehun says curtly. 

"Sehun, I just want an answer. You went out again, right?" Luhan pleads. He grabs onto Sehun's hand and pulls him back. 

"Yes. There, are you satisfied?" Sehun snaps. He wretches his hand from Luhan's grasp and walks upstairs. 

Luhan is left, shivering. 

"Can we talk? Please?" 

Sehun shrugs and takes another long drag of the cigarette. 

Luhan wrinkles his nose and pushes the glass door open. "Sehun, please. I need to tell you something." 

"Go ahead, no one's stopping you." 

"Can you at least look at me?" 

Sehun sighs, exasperated, but turns so that he's facing Luhan. He notices how Luhan is almost hunched over, leaning all his weight on the door. He notices the thin, lanky body of his boyfriend and how his breaths seem to take so much energy. He breathes in and throws the cigarette on the concrete, extinguishing the flame with his shoe. "What do you need, Luhan?" 

"I need to tell you something." Luhan's voice is soft, almost a whisper. He sounds weak and looks weak. If a breeze were to blow by, Sehun was sure Luhan would be swept up along with it. 

Sehun crosses the lawn and wraps his arm around Luhan's shoulder. He steadies the older before bringing him inside the house. "Alright, tell me now." 

Luhan squirms in his seat for a while before letting out a loud cough that sounded painful. Sehun rubs Luhan's back until Luhan caught his breath. 

"Are you sick?" Sehun asks, feeling Luhan's forehead for a temperature. "You were coughing a lot last night too."

Luhan looks at Sehun with wide, tear-filled eyes. "I...I" 

"Just say it, Lu," Sehun urges. 

But before Luhan can continue, Sehun's phone rings. 

Luhan waits as Sehun kisses his forehead and leaves the room, phone in hand. When Sehun comes back later, he has a smile on his face. 

"Luhan, I have to go somewhere real quick. I'll be back soon." 

"But-" 

"Tell me when I get back." Sehun kisses Luhan and then leaves. 

The words die on Luhan's lips. 

"What were you going to tell me, Luhan?" Sehun is happy, practically radiating. 

Luhan thinks that his message would crush Sehun, make the cheerful Sehun disappointed. So he doesn't say it. He lies. "I just wanted to tell you to stay with me tonight. I want to hug you to sleep. I've been missing you lately." 

The smile slips off Sehun's face. "Yea, sure. Whatever you want, Luhan." 

In that moment, Luhan knows. Sehun doesn't love him. He never did. 

When Luhan walks into Sehun making out with a girl, he isn't surprised. He should be hurt, he should be crying, he should be raging and throwing a fit. But he isn't. Instead, he leaves the room as silently as he came, closing the door with a quiet click.

Sehun doesn't even notice. 

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" Luhan asks. 

Joonmyeon nods grimly. 

"There's nothing I can do anymore, huh?" 

"Not really. I can give you a refill of those antibiotics though." 

"Yeah...thanks, Joon." 

"Sorry, Luhan." 

Luhan puts on a mask and smiles. "It's okay. I knew it was coming anyway." 

Joonmyeon sighs and rubs his face. "Did you tell him yet?" 

The smile fades. "No. He doesn't need to know." 

"Luha-"

"Joon, it's okay. Thanks for trying." 

"Where did you go, Lu?" Sehun asks, biting an apple. 

Luhan takes off his sweater and toes off his shoes. "Doctor's." 

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have taken you." Sehun smiles. 

Luhan eyes his boyfriend's body. Sehun cleaned up pretty well. There's no trace of the girl. The worse thing is that Sehun acts as if nothing happened. He smiles as if he didn't kiss a girl on their bed. 

"You were busy. I was going to tell you." 

Luhan watches Sehun's reaction for a slip-up, a sign of remorse. 

Nothing. 

There are times when Luhan feels like he's in heaven in Sehun's arms. With Sehun's chest pressed flush against his back and his minty breath against his ear, Luhan feels protected. 

There are also times when Luhan feels attacked when he's with Sehun. It's not physical pain, it's worse. Sehun lies to him, deceives him, makes him feel inferior. Luhan feels lonely. 

But there are times when Sehun isn't with him at all. There are times where Sehun just doesn't give a . He turns a blind eye and ignores the painful coughing emanating from the bathroom.

Luhan knows that their relationship failed a long time ago. It had crumbled into dust long before Luhan found out he had cystic fibrosis. But he couldn't help but hang onto the string of hope that Sehun would love him again. He knows Sehun only stays because he doesn't want to break Luhan's heart. By staying, though, it hurts Luhan even more. 

Heartbreak is even worse than coughing up blood every night.

Seeing Sehun up with lies in front of his face is worse than not being able to breathe. 

Knowing Sehun's emotions and affections to him aren't real is worse than not being able to digest anything he eats. 

Luhan thinks that in this life, he's met the best man ever and he'd never regret falling in love with Sehun. On the other hand, he also thinks that Sehun is the worse man in existence for not loving him the right way. 

But in Luhan's world, he loves Sehun more than he hates the other. 

"I'll be going out for a while. Don't wait for me," Luhan mumbles. 

Sehun nods, not taking his eyes off of the television. "Bye." 

Luhan doesn't even feel pain when Sehun says that one word. "Bye, Sehun." He opens the door and lets the cold night air blow his bangs into his face. "I loved you." 

"He's what?" 

"Dead! He's dead, Sehun! How many times do I have to say it?!" 

Sehun staggers backwards and clutches onto the table for dear life. 

Joonmyeon continues on his rant. "Why are you such a horrible person?! Couldn't you tell there was something wrong with him?! You're the son of a doctor and friends with one, damn it!" 

Sehun felt his head spin. There were signs that he didn't bother to notice. 

"What did he have?" he whispered. 

"He had cystic fibrosis. There's no cure. He could have spent his last moments with you if you gave a !"  

Sehun tuned Joonmyeon out. He could have spent his last moments with you if you gave a ! Sehun frowned. How come he didn't hurt when Joonmyeon said those words? How come he didn't feel regret or pain? 

When had he fallen out of love?