Chapter 27

“Hyung!” Jungshin abruptly held my arm when he opened the door. “It’s past midnight already! I can’t sleep waiting for you. Jonghyun Hyung and Minhyuk got tired of waiting." He led me to the couch and then sat beside me.

I sighed deeply. “Do we still have beer in the fridge?”

“Hyung...” Jungshin mumbled

“Just one can.” I stared at him. “Just one.” 

He idly got up and gets two cans of light beer in the fridge. FT Island left those beer cans when they arrived in the dorm to hang out last week. Jungshin handed me the can and opens another one for himself.

We were silent. A deafening silence. That kind when no sound was heard through ears but loud noises are coming from my mind and my heart. My dongsaeng looks straight forwardly too, while we both rest our backs on the couch. We're just listening to each other's breathing, communicating through it for a few minutes. I was contemplating, I guess Jungshin is, too.

There are laid photos of the band on the table. Most of them were taken by Jungshin on our tour overseas. Looking at the photos one by one, I can't seem to find a picture of me captured with a smile like the way I did when I was with Seohyun. Of course I am happy with the members, but the happiness I had with Seohyun on that program tops it all.

“You know what Jungshin-ah,” I started after gulping a drink, “If I take a snapshot of my life, all the exposures would turn out wrong for the past five years." I said, cracking my voice, still looking at the pictures. 

“Hyung...” Jungshin tapped my shoulder for comfort. 

I looked at him and curved my lips, “I hurt her.” 

Jungshin tightly gripped my shoulder. “But you’re doing everything now, Hyung... Don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

I blinked continuously, controlling my emotions inside, “I hurt her when I was stupid and coward not to fight for her, and now that I'm trying, I am still hurting her." I grinned bitterly, "I seriously want to kill myself for making her feel that way."

“Hyung, stop it. Don’t say that.” 

Looking down, “I’m losing her Jungshin-ah... It’s too late now.” I said.

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(Flashback) Few hours ago...

I lost them on the way when I was following the red Porsche. That guy seemed to drive fast or he probably knows that I was following them.

Just trusting my instincts, I went straight to the SNSD dorm, but the red car was nowhere to be found. I wander my eyes around, looking everywhere. They probably arrived early, I thought. Seohyun might be inside now. I parked my car on the vacant lot beside the building.

And when I was walking towards the dorm’s entrance, I saw the red car. It just arrived. I stood back, hiding from the dark alley, waiting until the guy leaves. And then... I froze.

When they got off the car, saying their goodbyes... He kissed her. 

I felt the earth suddenly fell on me. Saying that was painful is an understatement. It was more than that for sure.  Just staring at them is like pricking thorns all around my body. I wanted to run after them and hit the guy again and again but I was stiffed. 

But nothing was more painful that what I saw after the kiss... I saw her smiling. Smiling happily. That smile I never got to give her for the last five years. 

“Hyun...” I took all courage to walk to her when the guy left, stopping her from entering the dorm.

She looked at me with a surprise, “What are you doing here?”

“I won’t take too much of your time...” I struggled to talk, for her not to notice my cracking voice, “I just... I just wanted to see you... because I can't... I wasn't able to say hi a while ago at the restaurant."

She didn’t respond. She just looked at me. And right now, I don’t know what that look means anymore.

“How are you?” I tried to ask casually.

“I’m good.” She answered softly. 

I looked at her and smiled, “It’s good to know that because I kept thinking about you...”

“Oppa, please... Don’t start.” 

“I just wanted you to know that.” I said. “I’ve actually been checking up on you these past months. You never come to the villa anymore. And it seems like you're always not here everytime I drive around your dorm. You're probably too busy with your schedules, right? I'm sure there are so many events, or overseas commitments and all. I want to visit you at your company but I was stopped by the -"

“Yong Oppa!” She stopped my monologue. 

I know I’ve been talking nonsense. But seeing her after three months was overwhelming, much more seeing her being kissed. 

“Oppa...” She started, “It’s better if you don’t come near me anymore.” She said softly. We just stared at each other. If only she knew how painful I feel right now inside me, hearing that from her. 

I remained speechless so she continued, “I don’t think Daehan Oppa would like it if he sees you here.”

Okay. Okay. I need composure. That was a bullet right straight to my heart. So she doesn’t want to see me because she’s worried that that guy would get mad. Is that what she meant?

“Hyun... I know I was wrong. I know I wasted my chance for the past five years. But, can’t you...” I was shaking and holding my tears back, "But can't we give it a try? I failed so much but please let me make it up to you. I am will to give everything. Or even give up everything for you now. Please Hyun... Tell me what to do... just tell me. Because how can I give you the world if you won't take it?"

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