Chapter 17

“That night in the clubhouse. Why did you kiss me?” she asked bluntly.

We were just staring at each other. Her eyes are piercing mine.

Okay Yonghwa. Be brave for once. She may not feel the same but at least tell her.

I cleared my throat, looking down, gathering thoughts to say the right words, with a heart that is about to blow up from nervousness, "Hyun," my voice trembles but I don't care. "Hyun, it's because I-"

Then she chuckled. So I stopped and looked at her.

“Aniyo, Oppa...”

“Huh?”

She smiled. “You don’t have to answer. “ She grinned awkwardly, “I just asked to be fair since you told me I can ask you a question. Let's just pretend you didn't hear it, okay?" 

What? No. How can I pretend I didn’t hear the question?

“Go back to your apartment now.” She said, while putting the guitar in a case, not looking at me. “Your dongsaengs are probably waiting. You should rest now. I should too." She continued.

“But Hyun, I-”

“Thanks for the ride again, Oppa.” She cut me.

I looked at her intently. But she’s not glancing even a little at me and continued to arrange random stuff on the table. Until she finally looked at me, "Goodnight, Yong Oppa."

It was an indirect way of telling me to leave already. I should know that. 

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His voice trembled when he said my name.  Then after a few seconds, I realized I don’t want to hear his answer. I just want to see his reaction. Did I expect him to say the words I have been wanting to hear? No.

Who was I fooling?  Of course he won’t say that. He won’t say he kissed me because he loves me because he doesn’t. Still hoping? Not anymore.

I let out a little chuckle, “Aniyo, Oppa.” I stopped him. I know he wants to say something more but, no. I now fully understood the saying that 'what you don't know, won't hurt you'. So I don't need to know, to save myself from hurting again and again.

“Goodnight, Yong Oppa.” I said. I hope he would leave already.

He was still silent, with a questioning look. He stood there for a few more seconds, like not wanting to leave. Until he spoke, "Okay.." He looked down, "Thanks..thanks for the dinner, Hyun."

I nodded as I watch him walk slowly out of the apartment until he closed the door. Right after he stepped out, I locked the door. 

“Yong Oppa, all these years I’ve been asking myself, ‘why can’t you love me’?” I mumbled to myself, while leaning my forehead on the closed door, gripping the doorknob tightly, "But don't worry... I will stop now. I will stop asking why. I don't need to know. I don't want to know anymore."

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I stared blankly at the closed door of Seohyun’s apartment. I wanted to knock again, step in, talk, laugh, just be with her again. 

When she asked me why I kissed her, I got nervous but wanted to tell her so badly how I truly feel, but then she stopped me. Yonghwa, that's the price of being coward all these years. Pabo, selfish, coward, prideful... you, Yonghwa!

The comfort I feel when I am with her is still the same. When we sang together a while ago, it felt so surreal and I loved it. 

I missed her. 

After that show I had with her five years ago, and after that painful night in Niigata, I told myself that she doesn’t feel anything real for me and maybe, just maybe, I could also forget my feelings for her. But I was wrong. I never stopped loving her.

Then Yoon Mi came in to the picture. It started complicated. But when I thought things will turn out okay as months pass by, I was rong again. Seohyun still crosses my mind every time I'm with Yoon Mi. Things become more complicated after.

“Hyun...” I whispered to myself, looking at the door of her apartment, “It’s because I love you. I love you all this time. Will you believe me if I say that? Will you hate me? Will you try to love me back? But I guess this is my fate... I don't deserve someone as precious as you."

I grasped the doorknob tightly. 

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“Seohyunnie!” Sooyoung Unnie gasped when she saw me early Saturday morning in front of our dorm, “What are you doing here?”

“Why, can’t I come here, Unnie?” I said, chuckling at her reaction while she helps me carry my big bag. 

“Ani... This kid!” Sooyoung Unnie flicked my forehead lightly, “It’s just that, you don’t usually go back to the dorm not until Sunday evening. You always spend the weekends at your apartment."

“I guess I just want to see all of you Unnie.” I managed to give her a wide grin. 

“Aigoo... Our maknae...as if we won't see each other at the rehearsals later.” Sooyoung Unnie hugged me. 

“Where’s everybody?” I asked, wandering my eyes on the dorm.

“Ah! Don’t!” Sooyoung Unnie pushed me back with her hands on my shoulders. “Uhm, Hyoyeon is... Is changing her clothes that's why.. you can't get inside."

I laughed. “Unnie, it’s not like -” 

“Just stay here. Stay here for a moment. Okay?” Sooyoung Unnie pulled me and made me sit on the couch. 

She ran away immediately, leaving me alone in the living room.

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Sooyoung’s POV

“Girls! Seohyun is here.” I whispered breathlessly as I enter the room. All other 7 girls stared with me and hurriedly clean up the things on the floor.

“Ottoke? Why is she here?” Jessica murmured and turned to Hyoyeon.

“I don’t know. Manager Oppa said she’s staying in her apartment.” Hyoyeon answered, almost a whisper.

We’re all panicking. 

“Ya! Yoona-ya! Quick, hide all these things.” Yuri mumbled.

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