“I try and say I love you

but the words won't come through

In my eyes, see all the tears and sad memories

Why can't I start out new and

leave that old feeling too far behind

I guess that lonely needs company

Around each bend of road

I'm thinking that in time there will be that rainbow's end

But when I follow those self illusions

I find that it's only lonely and me again”

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Kim tried calling Gerald again.  There was still no answer.  Things were becoming more and more complicated.  Why is Mr. M so adamant that she go to Anilao right away?  What is happening to Gerald?  Why is he not answering her calls?

For the duration of the trip, Kim was silent.  Tata respected her need for silence.  So did Fredo.They arrived at the house at 8am.  Fredo brought Kim’s bags inside while Tata took the bags of groceries and supplies.  She doesn’t know how long kim would have to stay at Anilao and she didn’t ask Joven if the pantry was well-stocked.

Kim went straight to the bedroom she used and laid down on the bed.  For some unknown reason, she started to cry.  Tata found her later with her face still tear-stained.

“Kimmy, bakit?”

“Di ko alam ate, parang kinakabahan ako eh.  Bakit di sumasagot si Ge?  Bakit tayo nandito?  Ano ba talaga ang nangyayari?”

“Ewan ko, hindi ko rin alam.  Bakit hindi mo subukang tawagan si Darling?”

“Oo nga pala, teka lang ha…”  She sprung from the bed, suddenly full of hope once more.

She dialed Darling’s number and waited.  After the third ring, Darling answered.

“Ate?  Si Kim ‘to.”

“O, Kimmy, napatawag ka?”

“Ate, hindi ba tumawag sa’yo si Ge?”

“Ha?  Di ba magkasama kayo sa states?  Teka, asan ka ba?”

“Andito ako sa Batangas.  Naiwan pa si Ge sa states.  May endorsement deal daw sa Missouri sabi ni Mr. M, pero kahapon pa ako dito, hindi ko talaga makontak.  Wala ka bang alam?

“Naku, sorry ha?  Di ko pa sya nakakausap.  Pati nga si Mommy, di ko makontak.  Sabi ni Joven, umalis daw, di ko lang alam kung san nagpunta.”

“Hindi kaya sumunod kay Ge?”

“Sige, subukan ko ulit tawagan ha, tapos tawagan kita.”

“Salamat, ate.  Hintayin ko na lang ang tawag mo.”

After hanging up, Kim paced the room, unsure of what she wanted to do.

Fifteen minutes have passed and Darling still hasn’t called.  Kim was already in a state of near-panic.  She wanted to cry without knowing the reason why.  She just felt that something was wrong.  She misses Gerald terribly.

“Kim, kain ka muna.  Kagabi ka pa hindi kumakain eh, baka naman kung mapano ka na nyan,”  Ate Tata broke her thoughts.

“Wala talaga akong gana, ate.  Sorry ha?  Sige na, tawagin mo na si Kuya Fredo at umuna na kayong kumain.  Magpapahinga lang muna ako sa kwarto.”  With that, she turned towards the room and left.

Tata couldn’t do anything to help her.  She really didn’t know anything. 

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Kim was lying on the bed when she heard a car approaching the driveway.  It’s been 2 hours, 25 minutes and 10 seconds since she laid down to rest, but sleep still evicted her.  She got up, looked at herself on the mirror and went out.

Mr. M was just stepping into the threshold of the house as Kim was coming in from the bedroom.

“Sir?  Ano ho ba ang nangyayari?  Bakit ako nandito?  Nasan po si Ge?  Nakausap nyo na po ba?”  Kim couldn’t wait until her guest was seated.  She just had to fire away the questions.  She’s waited long enough.

“Kim…I need to tell you something.  Halika, sa confession room tayo.”  And he led her there without a word.

Once seated inside, Mr. M still couldn’t begin to tell Kim whatever it was he wanted to say.  Kim was getting more nervous by the minute.  She began knocking her fingers which all the more increased the tension inside the room.

“I have a letter here from Gerald.  But you cannot read this just yet.  You have to listen to me first…  Geez, Kim, I don’t know how to begin.”  And Mr. M started crying.  Kim just watched him, afraid more for herself than for anything else.

“I have to apologize first.  This is how Gerald wanted it to be.”

“Ano po ba ‘yon?  Sabihin nyo na ng diretso, hindi na po ba babalik si Ge?  May nabuntis po ba sya sa states kaya sya nagpaiwan?  Ano po?!”

Despite himself, Mr. M had to smile at Kim’s innocence.  “Sana nga ganun lang kasimple, Kimmy…promise me you will hear me out until the end.  Do not interrupt me, for I might never have the guts to finish what I have to say.”

“Sige po…”

“You better sit down.”

Mr. M inhaled deeply, obviously trying to find his voice.

“Kim, four months ago, on the day before Christmas, you couldn’t call Gerald, right?  It wasn’t until the day after Christmas that you were able to talk to him.  That’s because he was in the hospital.  Matt Evans called him up to tell him to come home already because of you.  Apparently, the two of you were having some lovers’ spat at that time.  Right after their conversation, he left for the park.  His grandfather was concerned because he looked really sad.  An hour later, Gerald called him, but never got to finish the call.  He already passed out.  He was rushed to the hospital where several tests were done.  A very close family friend who was a doctor, whom Gerald calls Ate Zoe because of his closeness with her husband George, was his attending doctor.  She found out that Gerald is suffering from an illness called Aortic Stenosis or AS.  AS is the abnormal narrowing of the aortic valves. When the degree of narrowing becomes significant enough to impede the flow of blood from the left ventricle to the arteries, heart problems develop.  At first, it wasn’t really bad.  Zoe warned Gerald of the impediments his illness would have to overcome, what he should avoid, what he should do.  I don’t know if you noticed anything during the last four months, but he usually got tired easily, sweated more, always had to catch his breath, he was paler than before…those kinds of things.  Zoe wanted to do an operation as early as February.  But Gerald was hesitant because of you.  His concern has always been you.  He didn’t want to leave you.  He thought that if he took things slowly, everything would get back to normal.”

Mr. M paused for a while, trying to choose the right words before continuing.

“Right after you left La Guardia the day before yesterday, he passed out again.  He never made it to Missouri.”

Kim was already crying, trying to hold back the sobs so she could hear Mr. M.  After his last words sinked in, Kim was in hysterics.

“Hindeeee…..Gerald!!!!!!  Mr. M, nasan na sya?  Pupunta ako ngayon sa states, parang awa nyo na po!!!  Please, Mr. M!  Kelangan ko syang makita!”

Mr. M embraced Kim, trying to pacify her.  He let her cry out her pain, wailing at the mere thought of losing Gerald.  Tears flowed from her eyes, clouding her vision.  The pain that she felt tore at her very core.

“Kim, you need to get hold of yourself.  There are still a lot of things we need to do.”

“Na-sa-an po si Ge-rald?”  Kim’s words were spoken with a silent conviction to get an outright answer.

It was a full minute before Mr. M could answer her.  “The last time I checked, Zoe was trying to revive him.  I’m sorry, Kim.”

The full force of his words was like a fatal blow to Kim.  She was slowly falling into a very deep, dark and cold hole until darkness totally consumed her.  Mr. M caught her just in time.  He laid her on the couch before calling for help.  Tata and Fredo rushed in.

“Kumuha ka ng mainit na tubig sa basin,” he instructed her before turning to Kim’s driver, “at ikaw, kumuha ka ng tubig, yung hindi malamig.”

They tended to her until she regained her consciousness.  She pulled up her knees to her chest, sank lower on the couch and hugged herself in tears.  She was rocking herself in an effort to lessen the grief that she felt.

“Ang daya-daya mo, Ge, sabi mo, hindi mo ‘ko iiwan…sabi mo mahal mo ako…bakit di mo sinabi?  Sana pumayag na ‘kong magpakasal tayo…kung alam ko lang.”

And she dissolved into another fit of hysterics.  Mr. M had to call a doctor to give her something to calm her down.

“Doc, Thanks for coming.  Please don’t say anything about this.  This cannot leak into the media.  At least not for now.”

“You can count on me, Mr. M.  By the way, the sedative I gave her will probably knock her out until tomorrow morning.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t leave her until I know she’ll be ok.”

“I better get going then.  If you need anything, just call me.”  And the two gentlemen shook hands before the good doctor left.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The following morning, Kim woke up with a very big headache.  She looked around her, as if trying to decide whether everything was just a bad dream.  But Mr. M and Tata were both asleep on the chairs placed on the edge of the bed.

Mr. M stirred when he sensed that Kim was already awake.  He saw her staring into space, tears falling down her cheeks.  He nudged Tata awake and motioned for her to get something to warm Kim’s stomach.

“Kim…”

“Sir, kelangan ko syang puntahan…”

“I understand.  Pero iha, there are a few things you need to settle her.  He left something for you.”  Mr. M got out of the room and came back a few minutes later carrying a pink box slightly bigger than a long bond paper.  “He gave me instructions to give this to you in case something like this happens.  I’m going to give you a few minutes alone.  Will you be able to handle it?  Or would you like me to call Tata to keep you company?”

“Wag na po.  Gusto kong mapag-isa.”  Mr. M stood up to leave, but paused and leaned down to give her a reassuring kiss on the forehead.  He gently closed the door behind him.

Kim just stared at the box in front of her.  She couldn’t bring herself to open it just yet.  She tried to recall the last four weeks that she and Gerald were together.  She realized that the symptoms were all there, she just failed to see them.  Fresh tears started again, but she tried to control her emotions.  “Di ka pwedeng mamatay, Gerald.  Kelangan mo pa ‘kong pakasalan…kelangan tuparin mo yung promise mo, sabi mo, magkasama tayo hanggang sa pagtanda…Ge, hindi ko kayang mag-isa….”  She started sobbing again.

Finally, after an hour or so, she felt so drained and exhausted from too much crying.  She touched the pink box with her name etched in Gold craft paint on top.  She opened the box and found two envelopes.  One looked like a letter and the other was a brown envelope usually used for holding documents.  She took the letter first.  On top of the envelope, a note was written:  Babe, you have to read this first.

Kim opened the enveloped.  It was scented with the same perfume as the one Gerald usually wore.  Kim cried again at the thought.  She pulled out the pink stationery that looked so immaculate with the tiny prints that at first she couldn’t comprehend….

“My Dearest Kimmy,

If you’re reading this letter, it means something happened to me already.  You might hate me now for not telling you about my condition, but I didn’t want you to worry.  I’m sorry, baby.  I wish the circumstances were different.  I know that no matter what I say in this letter, I wouldn’t be able to ease the pain you’re probably feeling right now.  But I just want you to know that in the four years that we have been together, I am most happy.  I became complete the moment you loved me.  And I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Your love was more than enough to compensate for whatever I lacked in my life.  Know that I didn’t have any regret at all.  If I could live my life over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Well, perhaps just this thing with my heart condition.

Never doubt, not even for a moment, that I really loved you.  You were the only one for me.  Regardless of the rumors, I hope you didn’t believe any of those, there just wasn’t anyone who could compare to you.  You were my bestfriend, my other half, my soulmate.

Thank you for everything that you have shared with me.  The memories I will cherish for eternity.  I hope that, no matter how short our time together was, I was able to show you just how much you mean to me.  It would have been nice to get married to you and have kids together.  But I wouldn’t want to be selfish and tie you down with a sick husband who would eventually expire and leave you with responsibilities in your hands.  I love you too much to do that to you.

Kimmy, try to move on.  Life shouldn’t stop just because I’m gone.  Keep the best of me in your heart.  When you feel sad and alone, look into your heart and you will find me there.  I will never really leave you.  My love will forever be with you to protect you and guide you until the time comes for us to be together again.

In the brown envelope, you will find all the material wealth that I wanted to offer you when you eventually would have become Mrs. Gerald Anderson.  Now that it may never happen, please accept these gifts.  I worked hard for them because I thought I was going to be able to share them with you in the end.  Now, I wouldn’t bear to see them with anyone else other than you.  Please take good care of them as I have.  Cherish them in my memory.

I love you so much, Kimberly Sue Yap Chiu,

                    Forever yours,

Gerald Randolph Opsima Anderson Jr.