The sound of fall—the leaves pouring endlessly like rain on the concrete beneath me, and the different sounds of engines from numerous cars told me I was standing on the same ground for so long. Numbness injected my system like wildfire that I didn’t even realize how desperately my knees beg to kiss the ground.

“I need you with me… I promise we’ll make it right this time,” it was a whisper of combined plead and desperation. Yet pain never really goes away. People just have to get used to it, as they say. But with Chanyeol, it’s as if there isn’t really enough. Whatever the choices I make, I’ll still be inflicted by it.

“Let’s stop this, Chanyeol. Once and for all,” I said, pulling away from his embrace.

I’ve lost Chanyeol because I wasn’t brave enough to fight for him. So when he told me “I shouldn’t have left you behind,” my honest response was, “Don’t resent on the past. I believe it’s for the best.” Because honestly, it was. It still is.

Chanyeol needed to go and I needed to let go. Chanyeol needed to find himself, while I needed to fix whatever's left of me. Yet on my way to fixing myself, I’ve done something so terrible (see: I’ve used Joonmyun).

The thing is, people shouldn’t be used to cover up for something or to make the user feel that everything would turn out alright. Or at least those people that deserved nothing more in this world but honest love—people like Joonmyun.

“I’m leaving for Japan tomorrow,” Joonmyun started and I said 'ah' before asking him when he’s coming back.

“A year,” he answered and I immediately asked him if he was telling me a joke because "Joonmyun, it’s not funny." There has been a minute of silence until he flashed me an apologetic smile. I became speechless because 1) he is definitely serious but 2) I don't want to believe him. I wanted for him to state his reasons, but wherever I look at it, there is not enough reason to fully understand.

“It’s not that long, Jieun. People can wait all their life if they are willing to,” he planted a kiss on my cheek, slowly, cautiously. Even then, it’s not making me feel less confused.

“Why are you doing this? We’re getting married in two –“

“Unfortunately, it’s not happening,” he cut me off and I don’t know how to actually feel. It’s all confusion.

“Joonmyun…” this time, I reached for his hand. I wanted to ask him all the questions running through my head, but I lost my voice. It felt like a lump formed in my throat and the next thing I needed to do was grasp for air.

“Jieun…” I could not understand his thoughts. I thought he wanted permanence, but why is he leaving me behind?

“You knew it didn’t you?” he lightly squeezed my right hand, his eyes focused on it.

“Joonmyun, what are you even saying?” I paused, clearing my voice because my throat still felt dry.

“Tell me, did I do something wrong?” I asked, remembering the slight change in his tone when he asked me his most recent question. It was still calm, but I was able to catch the half-pitch alteration.

“That I was lying.” I paused to comprehend the words he’s said. Yet there isn’t any bell ringing in my head, I still couldn’t understand.

“When I excused myself that day and my alibi was that my father was asking for me,” I pulled my hand away, realizing exactly what he meant. "You knew it was a lie."

“Joonmyun, I…” Yes, I knew it. But today’s the only time I realized why he did. Of course, who am I fooling? Even without any words, Joonmyun would know. Joonmyun has hinted what Chanyeol and I had.

“You knew, yet still you let me go…” he paused, flashing me a smile of sullenness. And those are the kind of few phrases that could break someone apart.

“It’s been three years, and I would like to believe I did my part,” he paused again, and when I looked back at him, I could see the sadness in his eyes. In that moment, there is nothing right about saying anything back. Because I realized I did not make an effort to make us work. Or even if I tried, it wasn’t good enough.

“He’s back, Jieun. But I really thought... I really hoped that the past three years have been long enough.” Ironically, even without the liquid flowing from my eyes, I could taste the saltiness of my own tears. I could feel the dryness of my throat. I could hear the shattered pieces of my heart. It wasn’t right for me to cry, so even if the tears are begging to flow, I tried so hard to suppress them. But how can I win against my feelings? It’s like fighting a battle that even if I win, I’ll still end up feeling defeated.

“Joonmyun, just give me time. I’m sorry, it’s slower than it should take. I won’t lie and tell you I don’t feel anything for him anymore. But Joonmyun—please, just hang on to me. I’m starting to love you. Joonmyun, I really am…” yet again, I’m never really strong enough. This time, my tears started falling.

Then like the Joonmyun that I have ever known, his warm embrace enveloped me and his arms felt like shelter. As if there’s nothing there is more to feel from his embrace than the welcoming security. “Let’s give each other a year, shall we?”

For a person who strongly believes in karma, it definitely served me well. I wasn’t able to realize another thing, something that’s too late for me to undo. On my countless attempts to lose Chanyeol, I was, unconsciously, losing Joonmyun too.

“Okay, fine mom, but you need to continue whatever that’s left. I need to know how the story ends, please?" But mom, I’m already eager to know, which of them is dad?” I heard my eldest daughter ask. Today’s her wedding day and I promised to tell her about the untold story about me and her father. And for the duration of my story, I decided to change one name.

“Who do you think it is?” I returned her the question while fixing the hem of her dress. She pouted her lips while I chuckled heartily because of her look which tells me she’s in deep contemplation.

We were interrupted when the door creaked open. “Hey, you two. Sorry to disturb, but Junah, I am reminding you that you are getting married. You look really beautiful, by the way.” I laughed, realizing the suppressed excitement in my husband’s voice. He's wearing a white sando over his perfectly ironed chinese tuxedo, black pants and recently polished black leather shoes, while I wonder how it'll end looking grainish later once he starts walking for the entourage beneath the fined sand.

“Thanks, dad!” I looked back at Junah, who was currently smiling beautifully. Her smiles were effortless and I am absolutely sure she didn’t inherit it from me.

On my husband's side, I happen to also catch a glimpse of my favorite brother who peeked and murmured from the side of the door, “Junah, you look great!”

“Uncle Chunji!” she cried and waved happily while Chunji flashed her a grin. Afterwards, he signaled that he’ll be lining up for the entourage.

 “Let’s go, Jieun? We'll see you later Junah,” the eldest in the room gestured me to follow him and I said “for a sec, Jino” so he nodded and closed the door behind him. I just realized that we're the kind of couple who prefer calling the other by first name rather than some pet names.

I turned back to focus on my daughter who was looking and waiting for the interrupted answer. “Let’s just say that I end up choosing the person who I believed will make me the better woman I am now.  Your father and I lasted this long Junah, because even after a year, we remained good friends." I kissed her on the cheek and said I’ll see her walk the altar.

"Hey mom," when I stood from my seat, she called me again. I looked back at her and waited for her to continue what she wanted to say.

“What happened to Chanyeol?” so she finally realized. But more than that realization, her new question struck me more. I shook my head before giving her my honest answer which is “I don’t know,” and then she nodded before standing from her own seat and hugged me tightly.

I never heard from Chanyeol since. I haven’t even heard his ‘goodbye’ or ‘I’ll see you again’. Nevertheless, I am happy with that. Because goodbye or I’ll see you again could turn out to be a promise we’ll also break.

Chanyeol didn't even end up as my friend. We both know it’s impossible until both of us completely fall out of love. Even then, Chanyeol has contributed the greatest part in my life. He was the one who taught me how to love and how to let go. He was the one who loved me and hurt me the most. He was the extremes, the one that I've always believed in. He was the one who made me believe in love again, and not be afraid.

“Let’s stop this, Chanyeol. Once and for all,” I said, pulling away from his embrace.

“I love you…” amongst the noise of the busy streets, I heard him whisper.

“I know.” I murmured and I felt a slight curve tugging the side of my lips. Despite everything, knowing his love makes this bearable.

“You still love me too,” another whisper, and he was sure.

“I wouldn’t deny,” it was the time he raised his chin and looked at me with slight anticipation.

"But Chanyeol, it’s not enough... It’s not enough anymore…” a tear fell from his eye while I fought so hard to keep myself in place. What is it about the sound of the person you love crying? Is it set to a frequency that instantly breaks your heart?

“It’s all I got… Jieun, it’s all I got.” The strain in his voice was apparent. He was fighting so hard to keep himself from crying.

“Tell me you love me too, Jieun. Tell me you love me too, and I swear to God even if you push me away for a couple hundred times more, I’ll never stop fighting...” he captured both of my hands but I slowly reclaimed them.

For the most final of the last times I uttered “I’m sorry, Chanyeol…” before turning my heel and starting my steps.

“It’s worth it!” he shouted and it made me stop from walking.

“I’m thankful even for the heartbreaks…” this time, it’s in a volume tuned just enough for me to hear. That made me turn back to look at him. His eyes were filled with tears begging for an escape.

After about a second, he flashed me a smile, followed by a teardrop that fell from his left eye. Somehow it surprised me, because even if there was a hint of regret, his smile is nothing close to bitterness. It was pure and genuine, just like my prayer that he could find someone more deserving of his love this time. He nodded afterwards, “You’re worth it.”

I looked at him for the very last time. After one deep breath, I continued my interrupted pace and never again looked back.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I would find myself randomly imagining. If there would be someone challenging enough to consider writing about us, how would the writer narrate our exaggeratingly dramatic love story? During those times, I’d always like to envision how the story ends.

Should the author write a happy ending, like those in fairy tales, where the two lived happily ever after? Because I like that kind of ending. I like our story to end with something hopeful even if it will end up being unrealistic. I would like to imagine that on another time (longer than a lifetime) and on another place (simpler than this), there exists an ever after for Chanyeol and I.

Or how about our story that ends with no last page or four dots instead? Come to think of it, I prefer that kind of ending. Four dots or a hanging story that meant continuous future.

I would like a story about Chanyeol and me. A story about us… not having an ending.

Amidst the music of happy people chatting, autumn leaves falling, busy feet walking, car engines running and our bruised hearts once again breaking, his last words echoed clearly on my head.

And although I know that he will not be able to hear, I whispered back. You too, Chanyeol. You’re worth it.

....

A/N: "What is it about the sound of the one you love crying? Is it set to a frequency that instantly breaks your heart?-tumblr (c)

Finally, after a year and how many months, this story has come to its end. The last part of the chapter is inspired by the movie "6-month rule". I love you guys, and I hope you do tell me how you find the ending? I won't judge. lol. I'll be on a hiatus for probably two months to focus on my studies, but I'll be back on writing again when summer begins. <3 xoxo, inlovewithcheesecake

Heart Made of Steel | Copyright 2013