Two hours has passed since I laid my head on Chanyeol’s shoulders. I have always been a fan of stiff bed and stiff pillow, and maybe if not for the man lying beside me, I could have been in a deep and peaceful slumber.

For the past two hours too, he has been talking about random things and it bugged me to realize that I’m not getting bored. Not a bit. Not at all. Casually, he chattered about his untold life. He re-mentioned being an active drummer in an indie band until he entered college, and that was the start of his long-term friendship with Kai and Sehun.

The way he narrates his stories about his first fight and how he won over a senior bully when he was still a sophomore, and the fact that he was indeed in a fraternity during college is so detailed, it seemed like everything just happened to him recently.

“But the thing about those people,” we were talking about the media reporters, “is that they purposely miss out the explanation part,” he continued.

“They weren’t lying for only telling half of the truth but the thing is, they always end up only publicizing the scandalous half… always.” The timing of our decision to shift our heads and face each other were in perfect synchrony.

“Troublemaker.” Yes, that would be the best comment I could do in this pressuring moment since I can no longer think straight with his eyes looking so warm… so him. In response, he chuckled while nodding in agreement. But annoying, smart-, kind-hearted troublemaker, I wanted to add. But there are moments in life when what people want to say should just stay inside their little minds till the next opportunity, or till forever. So I chose to live in that moment as I let him kiss my temple instead, and before he has finally decided to rearrange the position of my head for my comfort.

“You’ll be surprised to know how hard I try to earn that title. It’s funny how my life was planned even before I knew who I was supposed to be,” after heaving a sigh, he tousled and then tidied my hair.

“What do we know right? What if I didn’t end up being Park Chanyeol?” this time, I felt his left hand playing with my right hand.

“For a guy who did so many activities back in high school and college, I don’t see the reason why you need to ask for what ifs?” I shifted my whole body to the side, so my back is facing Chanyeol. I’m feeling sleepier by the second. With his left hand still holding mine, I took it between my chest and my chin, ending up like he’s wrapping his left arm around me.

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I have ever known.” When I thought he was already asleep, I heard him whisper and I could smell mint and vanilla and his ever so strong perfume.

“Why are you suddenly reciting to me a line from Chuck Palahniuk’s book?” I whispered back. Having no clue on how long have I stayed in this position and figuring out I still won’t be able to sleep, I decided to start another talk with Chanyeol. There are days when my body’s plain tired but my brains too alert, I can’t successfully sleep. Unfortunately, today is one of those days.

“It’s uh, kind of my uh… mantra.” maybe I’m just over-thinking because it sounded like there was a hint of panic in his voice, but I see no reason why he should be.

“Can’t sleep?” suddenly, a curious tone escaped his voice, maybe he’s surprised to find out I am still awake. He’s no idea how surprised I am to know he’s wide awake as well.

It took me a few seconds to reply to him because what he said, all of a sudden, intrigued me. Of all quotations he could get from thousand of books in the world, he chose Palahniuk’s words to use as his mantra. Considering he’s one of my favorite authors, but there are two types of my kind of authors: the first types are either John Green or Mitch Albom or Paulo Coehlo whose works are the organized version of my muddled thoughts. The other type are authors like that of Palahniuk’s whose opinions and beliefs are so unfathomable that they would either desperately make me want to think and be like him or make me think how wrong his perceptions of life is. Very dangerous in the most abrupt way that his words could be a total foundation of havoc and damnation to the readers.

“What are you thinking?” as usual, I got goosebumps when his warm breath escaped his lips and trespassed the skin of my ears, and I just realized how his left arm is still enveloping my upper body. What am I thinking? Aside from his peculiar choice of a mantra, I am not really thinking of anything specific. Probably, I was just zoning out.

“Chanyeol, how’s your mom like?” obviously, I changed the topic. But I also wanted to ask that one question because 1) I have no idea how Mrs. Park is. Aside from that one night, I have never talked to her, and technically, we haven’t been formally acquainted and 2) I’m just really curious to why Chanyeol’s giving so much time and effort for her. I mean there must be a reason why he keeps on helping people, and there must be a deeper reason to why he’s taking so much responsibility with regards to Choi Eunjee.

“My mom,” he paused for a couple of minutes and I would question myself if asking that question was below the belt for some unknown reason, but before I could even think of anything else again, he replied, “I don’t really know how to put it. Stubborn? Fearless?”

“Lovely, you don’t even sound so sure. Good son, are we?” I mocked before I shifted my body’s position to face him again.

“But she’s the coolest. For the record, I’m at least sure with that. Just,” he paused, as if he’s cautiously trying to pinpoint the words to say, and I stayed enveloped in his arms, patiently waiting for his words left hanging.

“My mom, she’s… she’s just so full of love that she doesn’t even realize how much of time she’s missing for herself. And even if I say she’s the coolest, I don’t want to end up like her.” I kept silent, trying to further decode what he meant by the last eight words he uttered.

That’s the catch. I wouldn’t be the exception. Not me, not anyone. Maybe, Chanyeol and I would end up as friends, or worse, strangers. For a minute, I wanted to slap myself for believing the impossible because for sure, there is always the possibility to end up the latter.

“Just a piece of advice, love.” He cupped my chin as he stared intensely at my eyes, “Remember when I told you to believe in something?” I already did, Chayeol. I believe in you. I wanted to tell him badly, but ended up simply staring at him though my ears heard everything clearly, because my mind’s still stuck contemplating that four-letter word he metaphorically used to mean me.

“Do that. But don’t you ever, ever…” there was a few millisecond of pause when he repeated the last word with stronger vehemence, “believe in permanence. There is no such thing, you catch that?” as if on cue, I gave the same reply—I nodded. But honestly, I didn’t really catch that. What was he saying again?

Another month came by so fast that I felt like my time’s suddenly set to haste, especially when I’m spending it with Chanyeol. Also, she finally came to Seoul for a visit. My dad called me two days before their arrival, and I told him I’m really busy so I’ll stay at work for a couple of days.

Of course, he’s aware it’s my alibi. But my dad knows me well enough to act like I’m telling the truth when he told me to visit once I find the time. I don’t really see the point why I needed to hide from her, it’s my home too. But whatever the logical reason is (if there ever is, anyway), I still ended up checking-in at one of our hotels because I couldn’t comply with Chanyeol’s advice to finally face her. When he knew she’s coming, he told me to try.

“It’s not that I can’t, Chanyeol. I don’t. I can, but I don’t want to see her.” When was the last time we had a fight? Seriously, I can’t believe we’re fighting about her again. And I can’t believe we were just having the best night a few minutes before I told him about her arrival. I shouldn’t have told him!

“You know I’m not buying this crap you’re saying right now,” he said in his usual tone, but he failed to hide a disapproving façade.

“You murmur words in your sleep. You ask for someone, and it’s not my name, it’s not your dad’s name either… you whisper every night, love. You just have to see her,” he embraced my waist with a swift move of his left arms and then he cupped my face to kiss me slowly.

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. If everything comes out good, I’ll be happy with a thank you. If it won’t, I’ll be here to be your punching bag and then you’ll get mad at me until you’ve had enough and we’ll make love and we’re going to be okay again, is that a deal?” I punched him in his left arm, but his laughter filled the room and I can’t stop myself from smiling. But I didn’t say yes or no to him, I just stayed silent, and silence doesn’t always mean yes.

After arranging my things and realizing it was too early to sleep, I decided to open my leather briefcase to do some work Uncle Jaesuk handed me this morning. I don’t understand why it seemed like my time at this hotel is endless. Usually, I wanted to ask for more time.

Shrugging my unclear thoughts, I decided to take that certain black-bound folder. The second I lifted the first page, a familiar print in a sophisticated font printed in gold greeted me— A project of CKD Company in partnership with Golden Lee Company—and I instantly had one person in mind. Flipping through the thin, white pages that intangibly smelled of elegance and money, a small smile crept my lips as one statement continuously ran my mind, ‘I work better with friends.’

Even after reviewing Suho’s papers (I assumed it was his), it surprised me to know I still have time before my usual sleeping schedule so I checked my mail to see if there were any reply from our investors. Still, the time was frustratingly long, so I decided to finally read Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. Chanyeol has bought the book for my reading.

‘Productive’ is not the word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.

A call from Chanyeol was my alarm this morning, asking me how was my sleep. The tenor of his voice was my conclusion that he just woke up.

“Chanyeol, I’m not at home,” I admitted and he asked me where I was with that sudden worry in his voice so I told him my reason and just like how he always does and how he always is, he understood.

“How was it like, Chanyeol?” I started, finally getting off the bed.

“How was what like?” somehow, I feel like I can see him, also getting off from his bed.

“Having a mom?” inhaling a good amount of air through my mouth, I continued.

Before I received an answer, there was a soft chuckle on the other line so I immediately said that I was just curious in defense, “It’s pretty overwhelming. But, my life isn’t perfect. It’s not. In fact, I have a really hard time—“

“What do you mean by not perfect? Okay, you’re annoying, you’re smart but you’re clumsy, you’re too honest, you’re so handsome—I mean,” and there was a loud ‘what was that again’ from the other line and I just realized that it slipped my mouth, I couldn’t take it back so I said, “just let me finish! You’re such a great person and okay, maybe not perfect, but you don’t have a miserable life Chanyeol. It’s frustrating to hear from you that you’re not contented,” I sighed and a moment of silence filled our network.

“And no, I’m not starting a petty argument. I just… I’m sorry. I just don’t understand,” I sighed again. I don’t know how much oxygen has entered my system, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than what I should take.

I wanted to apologize again, but what for? I already did, and his silence frustrated me by the second. It felt like an eternity but what broke my heart wasn’t the silence, it was part of it and I realized it was a miniscule reason. What broke my heart was this uninvited information I swore I didn’t even see coming.

“I’m illegitimate.” In that moment, it didn’t even sound like him.

double-update for you guys. 'Cause I love you. lol <3