The whole time I drove from my workplace to my house, countless thoughts occupied my head. Thoughts about her. I hated it, because until then and until this time that I’m in front of my house, I still couldn’t figure anything out. Just be yourself. The you that isn’t closing and pushing everyone away. Chanyeol’s words kept repeating in my head. So that’s going to be my mantra for the rest of the night.

I turned the doorknob and held it longer than I usually do, and closed the door once I had the courage to take a step inside. My steps felt heavier every time I’m getting nearer dad’s study. Chaejin was surprised to see me. Of course, I was MIA when she first visited.

I felt my breathing stopped for some time the second the back of hers came into my visibility. She’s wearing a knitted grey sweater over a maroon dress that could almost touch the floor. Next to her was another familiar face, “Noona?”

My smile to Chunji instantly vanished the time her eyes caught mine. I couldn’t completely understand her expression. “Hey, darling?” it was my dad’s voice, his expression told me he wasn’t expecting me too. The next thing I know, she’s in front of me, crying and asking questions I didn’t really hear.

It felt like my throat have dried, I couldn’t manage to say a single word. “Eunjee…” my dad paused for a brief moment, still with a puzzled look on his face, “this is…”

“Jieun? I should have known, please forgive me! My daughter Jieun!” she was the one to say my name. A name that meant silver and wisdom, a name my dad said she picked for me. It was the only thing she left for me, and I am more than surprised when it ended up sounding the same sixteen years ago.

It’s my time to speak, but what do I say? I still hadn’t figured anything out. And why does it still hurt? It’s been sixteen years. I was given more than enough time for me to forget. It shouldn’t be because of her again. She couldn’t hurt me. No one could, not after everything. Not anymore.

“We were just going to have dinner. Why don’t you join us?” dad offered, walking towards our direction.

“I already ate with Chanyeol. By the way, I’m meeting Mr. Park tomorrow, uncle Jaesuk asked me to. I’m… going to bed. Goodnight, dad,” I kissed him on the cheek before shifting my focus on Chunji.

“I’ll see you around, Chunji,” I slowly said, while forcing him a small smile. He gave me one last look before shifting his eyes on the ground. He figured it out, while I’m still lost in this reckless situation.

“You too… Ahjumma,” I whispered once I turned my heel to walk away. But I couldn’t call her what she expects me to. It’s been sixteen years, and I’ve chose to forget. I know that was going to hurt, because I think I heard a heart break through the silence… I just don’t know whose.

Choi Eunjee will be living in our house, with her children, starting next week. My dad said they decided to be friends, and that it’ll be the time to give her the life he’s deprived of her for so long. Of course, I didn’t understand what he meant. I think I didn’t need to. That’s why, I chose not to.

Me, on the other hand, has decided to live in our hotel. I realized I could be civil, but it’s never going to be the same way again. Family, for me, is my dad and I. It’s always been me and dad against the world, but if it meant staying in that house would just mean me suffocating, I’d rather chose not to.

“I’m serious dad. No beans and don’t skip your medicines,” I huffed some air, my fingers hardly gripping my phone. I could see Chanyeol grinning cheekily because I’m sounding like a nagging daughter, so I raised him an eyebrow.

“I’m not going to see you as much as before. Dad… just give me an assurance,” I rested my chin on my free palm and heaved a sigh. I hear him sigh too and I smiled because I am exactly my dad’s daughter, and he told me he’s just rebelling because he misses me and that I should just sleep at home and I told him an excuse (see: It’s less hassle for me to be in a hotel) and although he knew how lame my excuse is, he bought it knowing I could just invent alibis until I win him. I waited for him to hang up first before I placed my phone on my desk.

I realized Chanyeol has been staring at me with that handsome grin playing his lips. “What?” I didn’t mean to sound irritated, so I don’t know why it ended up sounding that way. But maybe, he didn’t seem to notice, or he didn’t mind or he’s just used to it because he chuckled while adjusting his seat in front of my desk. He rested his chin on top of his palms and he winked at me.

“Uh? What the hell?” I crinkled my forehead in disgust (see: I am lying). He shrugged, looking all innocent and after a few seconds he winked at me again. “Chanyeol!” I threw him a crumpled paper.

“Ow! What?” he acted all hurt, but winked again after. I clicked my tongue in disapproval and before I could throw him another crumpled paper he raised his arms in the air as if to surrender while giggling, “Am I too cute for you to handle?” I almost gape at him.

“You mean acute? I’m almost close to puking,” I shook my head, while he scrunched his nose.

“Hey! It’s the day after tomorrow,” he handsomely smiled at me, but I acted as if it didn’t affect me.

“Ah,” I nodded, now arranging my desk. I’m finally done with my load today, while Chanyeol has been pestering waiting for me fifteen minutes ago.

“It’s just going to be us and her, she doesn’t really like fancy. But still, wear something nice. I mean, it’s the first time I’ve dated someone—“

“What?” I raised him an eyebrow, waiting for what he’s going to say.

“Someone who’s absolutely beautiful, I could lay my eyes on her every single day and still won’t get enough,” he wiggled his eyebrows while I end up looking dumbstruck. It wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought he was just going to say something nice, but—

“…but has a really conservative taste in fashion. So I think we could work on that?” Just like that, I quickly threw him another crumpled paper! “Ow! Geez, I’m kidding, alright!” that’s what you get from kidding, annoying jerk!

Leaving my gift for Chanyeol’s mom at the passenger seat, I parked my car at the 12^th floor of Director Kim’s company. I still have four hours before eight, and I’m feeling very excited, I just want this meeting to be over.

“Director Kim,” I politely greeted. He looked pale though, is he alright?

“Ms. Lee, what a lovely lady you are! Such a pity, you didn’t end up with Joonmyun,” he frowned but smiled immediately and gestured me to sit at the divan facing him.

“Speaking of Joonmyun, will I be running into him?” I asked, trying to make a casual conversation, and slightly because I wanted to see the man himself. I took note of Director Kim’s heavy breath before he answered my question. Joonmyun’s in Japan, attending a business meeting as his proxy because he isn’t feeling good.

“That kid…” he paused while I caught a small smile in his face. It was small, but it was bright which reminds me of someone I know. And I finally concluded that it must be the genes. “It’s a shame, he wasn’t even given enough time to decide what he wants in life. Oh well,” he shrugs as he flashed me yet another comforting smile. “I’d like to think he’s grown to like this company,” he finishes while I nodded in agreement.

“He’s a good son—“

“That’s why I tell you!” I was surprised when he cut me. “I really didn’t get why you broke up with him,” he shook his head while giving me a playful-slash-teasing smile.

“It was a really bad decision,” I remarked earning soft chuckles from him. It was warm and friendly, but he coughed for about three times, I started to get worried.

“Are you feeling alright, Director Kim?” I asked in a worried tone. He nodded his head, and ranted being deprived by his doctor of laughing too much.

“How could you deprive someone of laughing? I mean, you could deprive me of eating sweets, meat. But of all things, I’m deprived of laughing?” he sulked but after a second, he beamed at me.

For two hours, we talked about the project of their company which will be partnering with us. We’d find ourselves talking about our personal lives (minus the too personal), but would quickly concentrate on discussing the on-progress proposal. It was truly Joonmyun’s. I could not imagine anyone, other than him, that could think of something original yet practical projects. I’m lucky to be friends with him.

We were talking about the operations, which is very much my forte, when his coughing distracted me by the minute. I don’t know if it’s me, but the sound of his cough has gotten worse that I’m getting concerned.

“Let’s end it here, is it okay? I think I need to rest. I’ll just communicate everything with Joonmyun when he comes back. I’ll lead you towards the door,” he offered but I told him he doesn’t really have to.  And maybe he was really tired because he didn’t insist, which was really not a problem, until the next big thing that happened—

For the past ten minutes, I’ve been calling Joonmyun but his phone is out of coverage. I’m currently in a company’s car that almost looks like an ambulance. Beside me is an unconscious man who I was just conversing with ten minutes ago. The company’s medics are currently attending to him, while we’re driving on our way to the nearest high-end hospital. The scenario has been too fresh, it keeps repeating in my head.

Just when I was about to close the door behind me, I heard a loud crash coming from Director Kim’s office. Maybe if I’ve taken a step earlier than I did, I wouldn’t hear him. His office is soundproof, and maybe it was meant for me to hear. He had a heart attack right then and there, and maybe it was from my years of experience with my dad’s convulsions, that I didn’t end up panicking. But I’m not a doctor, so I did what I always do—I shouted for help.

Guilt and worry took over me while I witness the doctors and nurses injecting various needles inside Director Kim’s body. I should’ve thought of this, he doesn’t look so good when I greeted him. I tried reaching Joonmyun but after eight rings, I was diverted to voice mail, “Joonmyun, it’s me. I’m at the hospital… your dad had a heart attack. But Jonnmyun, please don’t worry, he’s going to be okay, I promise! Call me when you hear this, please?” I ended the voicemail and I heaved a deep breath.

I know it’s not my fault, but I just couldn’t leave Director Kim. Joonmyun isn’t even here, so it’s going to be me. Even if I know I shouldn’t be guilty, I feel guilty. It’s the thing I hate about me, even if I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I still feel bad when I find myself being stuck in the scenario and I end up deciding to take responsibility.

Thirty minutes has passed and I was left with someone named Kang Ryewook, who introduced himself as Director Kim’s personal assistant, and a driver.

“It’s okay Ms. Lee, you don’t have to stay here. We’ll be contacting Joonmyun as soon as we can, it’s not your fault.” He gave me a concerned look, but rather than being comforted, I felt worse, so instead, I insisted on staying at least until Joonmyun calls.

I got frustrated every time a doctor or some nurses leave and enter the ICU. As much as I’m familiar with the hospitals, I never learned to get used to this place. It’s always looked so closed; I’m starting to feel uneasy.

To make things worse, I have forgotten about Chanyeol’s mother’s birthday. When I woke up from a nap, which I thought took longer than what should, I immediately checked for my phone to see if Joonmyun has called only to find twelve miscalls from Chanyeol. It’s already eight fort-five and I know that calling or not calling Chanyeol would just result to some misunderstanding, but I chose to call him anyway.

“I’ve been calling you for the past hour! Where the hell are you?” sounds of frustration, desperation and worry escaped his voice as I feel more frustrated than how I was feeling hours ago.

“Chanyeol, I’m in the hospital—“

“Hospital? What happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me! What hospital? I’m coming over,” he was worried and he sounded like he’s panicking so I cut him and told my actual situation.

“Aren’t there anyone looking for Director Kim? Where’s Joonmyun?” he sounded monotonous, which alarmed me for a second. I told him he’s out of the country and that I decided to look for him until he return my call.

“I’m sorry Chanyeol, I promise I’ll make up to you, and to your mom. I didn’t expect this, I’m so sorry,” I apologized and he said ‘hm’, which meant he understood because he has no choice, and he was about to say something else but my phone vibrated and I saw that Joonmyun’s finally calling me, so I told Chanyeol that I’m sorry but I needed to hang up and he said ‘hm’ and he told me he loves me and I said ‘okay’ before I ended the call.