No matter how much you travel, no matter how much you search, you’ll still end up going back home. And here I am, for some unidentified reason, standing in front of my Dad’s house. It’s my home… In the midst of suffocation, this home still serves as my sanctuary. I miss my dad, I miss him telling me that it’s just a bad day and not a bad life. I miss him watching old movies with me when we’ve got the sparest time in our hands.

A creak of the front door opened revealing a pair of once-familiar eyes that I thought I’d be cursing to death. But instead of hate, sadness took over me. Tears began falling on my cheeks, and there are no words to say.

“Jieun-ah? What’s wrong?” her sincere tone told me I should be convinced, and I am. I have no choice but to hold on to her, I just needed to hold onto someone that shared a huge part in my Dad’s life. Someone, who was all along, stronger than me and Dad. Or perhaps, I just needed to hold on to someone. Because right now, I can no longer hold on to myself.

Although I could not clearly see, I could feel her frail arms embracing me protectively. And all I could hear were my cries that seemed so endless. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. No matter how hard I try to control myself from crying further, it’s as if I have no ability. Mumbles of ‘it’s going to be okay’ and ‘I’m sorry’ inevitably calmed me after about what seemed like an eternity.

When I wiped the tears on my lids that were blurring my vision, I caught a glimpse of a familiar figure standing about five meters away from us. He looked as guarded as he always was, but staying in his position as if to give us some space…

“Can I sleep here tonight?” I believe Chunji heard the strain in my voice from crying too much. But I suppose it didn’t matter. Maybe things like this didn’t matter now… because I’m home.

---3 years after---

My tired eyes involuntarily lifted when the rays of sunshine, trespassing the windows of my room, woke me up from neverland. When my reality happened to be better than my dreams, I stopped wishing to sleep a little longer. Forgiveness, as my father said, is always the best remedy to a damaged heart. All along, that’s the only thing I needed to do for me to be really free. And yes, he was indeed a wise man.

On the other side of my room, I heard three knocks and a voice of a young man asking for me to join them for breakfast. Then pulling myself out of bed, I told Chunji that I just needed a minute. But of course, there was more than underestimation because I actually spent twenty times of a minute to get ready for work.

I took note of the white-gold encircling my ring finger. Although I have happened to see it for over three months now, I am still questioning how something so simple be so beautiful. But I guess the most beautiful things in life couldn’t be absolutely explained. So rather than wasting my time on trying to come up with a theory I know I shouldn’t really discern, I grabbed my phone which was at the right side of my bedside desk and texted the one person that came to my mind.

“Your flight’s in an hour. Good luck on your grand proposal. No matter what the outcome is, I believe in you! You’re going to be really busy, so I think it’s best to talk to you when you get back? See you in a week, Joonmyun!”

Walking down the stairs, the smell of French Cinnamon Toast invited me towards the dining area. “Smells good, mom! I didn’t know you cook continental—“

I stopped from my tracks when a certain man owning a rather familiar deep voice called my name. This man was sporting a plain blue polo-shirt with white thin line embedded on each side of his sleeves, white fitted pants, on his left wrist a brown leather timepiece and his footwear, some simple looking boat shoes.

But on top of it all, he was wearing a smile that meant more than just a show-off of his perfectly white teeth. Instead, it was more of Hi, Jieun. How are you? It’s been so long. You look great, I’m really happy to see you.

“Chan…yeol,” it ended sounding like a whisper. Still thinking if every little thing is just my mind playing tricks on me, because it happened for how many times the last time we saw each other. And I’m sure if it’s happening again, I’ll immediately call a psychiatrist to fix everything for me.

“I was not expecting him to come. This morning, I heard the doorbell ring, and there he was! I am so happy to see you, Chanyeol.” And that was my cue for me to believe. Of course, mom must be happy. Because she has no idea. That day when I cried myself to sleep and mom was there beside me, I figured it’s better to keep the details to myself. Because how can I stop someone from leaving when it’s going to be the only way to make things right?

He stood from his seat and walked directly towards me. There was no longer the smell of a strong perfume, or the sight of anything fancy. This man is between different and same. And when I say different, I meant it in a good way. He looked fairly blissful than the last time I saw him. No, actually, he doesn’t resemble anything from the last time I saw him.

Before I could even say another words, his strong arms enveloped me. It was brief, maybe just a split second or two, before he pulled himself away. “Long time no see.”

The thing about memories is that I can’t really fight them. The more I try to forget, the more they stay. All that’s left to do is to embrace those memories, no matter how painful they are and let the happy memories dominate. With Chanyeol, I had the best and the worst memories. Happiest and the most painful ones. Chanyeol, himself, is a memory and a really beautiful one.

But memories are nothing more but memories. They are here to stay, but they are out of reach. There isn’t anything that I could do to relive the past. There is no ctrl-z and this is the great reality. That’s why when I saw Chanyeol today, I couldn’t really hide the mixture of emotions that, all at once, washed over me. Like what I said, memories stay.

Chanyeol asked me if he could visit our old office, and there was no reason to disagree. On our way to the company, Chanyeol was quick to observe and ask the story behind the sudden white-gold ring around my finger. “Oh, this…” was my first response. It wasn’t the answer, but more like an immediate defense.

“I’m getting married… with Joonmyun.” I didn’t intend to whisper my fiancé’s name, but it ended that way. Awkward silence filled the vehicle for a couple of seconds and “Oh… of course… Joonmyun.” was his last statement for the duration of our ride.

Because of the inevitable uneasiness of the situation, we walked silently towards the elevator while the abrupt pang of nostalgia took over me. Yet surprisingly, I have easily shrugged the thought off. We took a step inside the elevator and it was him to press the button that’ll lead us to the 14^th floor. After a couple of seconds, we found our way towards the same old corridor, where things beyond conversing and fighting and kissing happened between us two.

“You know your way here, Chanyeol. I’m sorry, but I need to excuse myself now. If you need anything, I’m at the 21^st floor. West-wing, at the last door,” I slowly said, explaining that I have moved to another floor. Not giving him the rest of the details, he asked me the reason why. But Chanyeol didn’t get the answer from me when suddenly, three of my employees recognized and greeted me, “Good morning, President Lee.”

It was quarter to twelve, an hour later than my actual lunch break. But because of the things I needed to do, I stayed for another hour to finish reviewing the financial reports of the marketing, sales, and research and development department. Grabbing my wallet and finally pushing myself out of the President’s seat, I decided to attend to my complaining stomach.

When I closed the door behind me, I was surprised to see Chanyeol sitting on the bench beside Ms. Kim’s desk. He stood once he saw me and I caught a childlike half-smile forming his lips.

“How long have you been waiting for me?” I told him he could have asked Ms. Kim to tell me he’s there.

He shook his shoulders and said “It wasn’t too long,” and with a chuckle he added, “Besides, I could not just disturb the President.”

I raised him an eyebrow when he said I’m doing a really good job and he said It was a compliment and I said I know, idiot! and he laughed and replied You didn’t change while I casually responded No, Chanyeol. I did.

When Chanyeol suddenly became silent, it was the only time I realized he took it the wrong way. His lips were pressed into a hard line when I moved my head to look at him. “Chanyeol, I didn’t mean it that way,” I immediately explained and afterwards, he forced me a smile.

We settled on a fine-dining bistro near the office because I told Chanyeol I needed to save much time as I could. I ended up ordering Southwestern Cobb Salad while Chanyeol ordered Flat Iron Steak. I didn’t realize I was smiling when Chanyeol took notice and asked what I was thinking.

“This looks really familiar,” I said then I earned a youthful beam from him. When the food arrived, he offered me a piece of his steak to which I politely accepted.

“You want some of my salad?” I asked, pointing at a certain lettuce with my fork. Immediately, he scrunched his nose in disgust and said no thanks and I scoffed because apart from his looks, Chanyeol didn’t change as much either.

Later that afternoon, we talked about the unusual sunny weather of mid September. It sounded so cliché having to start a conversation with regard to weather. Nevertheless, it turned out to be a great idea. Talking about the warmness of fall happened to break some ice that formed between the two of us during the brutally cold winters of the past three years.

There is no use in refuting the fact that I love how Chanyeol could make me talk for more than my normal talking span. We could converse about infinite things and he would always include hilarious statements in between. This felt like our casual talks, back when things seemed so undeniably complicated. This is one of the best memories, and maybe I’m a little wrong on my early hypothesis. Perhaps there are some memories that could be relived. Some memories like this.

Chanyeol has been visiting mom for the past four days. It’s also one of the reasons why we’re constantly having conversations. I’d like to think we are friends again. I’ve forgiven Chanyeol a long time ago. I hope he’s forgiven me too.

This morning after eating breakfast, Chanyeol invited me out for a walk. It's a Sunday morning and from all the stress my work brings me, I thought getting some fresh air with Chanyeol is in fact a good idea.

“Jieun,” I heard him call my name so I said ‘hm’ without looking at him.

“Jieun,” he said, louder this time.

“Yes?” I asked, now turning to him.

He flashed a handsome smile until it became a playful grin, “Jieun. Jieun. Jieun.” This time I creased my forehead, realizing he was up to nothing in particular.

“Your name sounds so natural in my lips. I think I’m LNS by it,” he explained when I asked him if he’s overdosed himself with something sweet, perhaps sugar.

“LNS?” I asked, not having the slightest idea what it stands for.

“Last Name Syndrome,” he replied with a smile.

“Huh? I’ve never heard—oh, okay I get it!" I exclaimed, scrunching my nose before continuing, "You and your weird words.” I laughed softly and like a déjà vu, he looked at me curiously and giving me his innocent reply, “What weird words?”

But afterwards, I joined him in continuously calling his name, “Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Yanyeol.” I paused, pressing my lips. “Okay, your name is much of a tongue-twister if it’s on repeat,” I chuckled and soon he laughed. Our laughter sounded so effortless, so blissful.

We settled in front of our house when suddenly Chanyeol slid his right hand and held my left hand. “I’m happy to see you’ve worked everything out on your own,” he squeezed my hand but I couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“Chanyeol, this isn’t really necessa—“ but my words were cut by his lips kissing mine. I was stunned, but before I could even think of anything in particular, I found myself responding to his kisses. He was the one to end the kiss, but he gave me three chaste kiss before really pulling himself away.

“I still love you.”

Joonmyun returned from Japan yesterday, and now I am feeling as awful as it could get. I feel so dreadful in the most horrifying way because 1.) I’m engaged to Joonmyun and 2.) we’re getting married in two months, while 3.) I’m ignoring Chanyeol’s calls and ignoring the man himself but 4.) I’m back to questioning the absoluteness of my conclusion that I’m not in love with Chanyeol anymore.

“Oh my god! No, this is wrong. Chanyeol, it didn’t happen. You shouldn’t— I’m sorry, I shouldn’t— Oh my god!” I took two steps back, away from him. I realized the harm that we’ve done. It’s happening again. We’re going back to the times when all we’re going to do is pour each other’s love and need until everyone around us, including ourselves, will end up getting hurt by our own doing.

“Jieun, wait. Let me explain—“ he looked so worried, as he took a step forward.

“No, stop!” I cried, preventing him from saying more while taking two steps away from him again.

“Chanyeol, just go. Just—I’m going inside, you need to leave.”

“Oh, is that Mr...? Mr. Park!” upon hearing Joonmyun’s words, my thoughts crumbled down, replaced by the uninvited reality in front of us. Of all places, why is Chanyeol here?

“Jieun,” the hairs on the back of my neck when a stern deep-voice, more than too familiar, called me. I could sense that the obviously uncomfortable aura between me and Chanyeol has been hinted by Joonmyun when he started asking him what’s wrong.

 “Joonmyun—“ I heaved a sigh before continuing my statement, “Chanyeol just happened to return a few days ago.” I forced a smile at Joonmyun, explaining to him half the truth. Joonmyun offered to shake his hand, and after what felt like an eternity, Chanyeol took it.

“You’re back,” Joonmyun casually said before ending the handshake. Just then, he took my left hand and intertwined it with his right. Maybe it was just my ostensibly overanalyzing mind which made me think that Joonmyun’s tone changed and Joonmyun becoming a little stiff. Because in the first place, why would Joonmyun even offer Chanyeol a seat if he isn’t comfortable having him around?

I internally cursed the situation, while my eyes only landed on things that aren’t Joonmyun or Chanyeol. The moment I felt knees touching mine, it transpired to me that Chanyeol sat opposite me and didn’t decline. For the whole duration of our lunch, I didn’t even look at Chanyeol in the eye. Joonmyun was the one talking to him. And when Chanyeol would initiate asking me questions, I’d limit my answer to at most two words, and then again, it’s the end of our discussion.

But to make things worse, Joonmyun received a call from his father, urgently asking for him to come to his office. Even if we walked out of the bistro together, I couldn’t ask for him to walk me back to my company. Out of consciousness, I felt Joonmyun’s lips kissing my cheek. From my surprise, plus the awareness that another man have witnessed it, I wasn’t able to react or say anything.

As always, Joonmyun bid me goodbye followed by the three magical words “I love you,” that sounded as monotonous as it could. Then, I flashed him a warm smile and said, “text me if there’s anything,” sounding as awfully coerced too.

I took note of the slight tug that formed his lips. Somehow, every action of him looked controlled. He slightly squeezed my hand and when I looked at him, his eyes were diverted towards the man who I think, was standing meters behind me. “I should go,” he finishes and like how it’s supposed to be, our intertwined fingers loosened until we both let go.

When I turned my back, it appeared Chanyeol was just a feet away from me.

"Till when will you be here?" was the most brutal thing to ask of him, because it meant how it should. It meant I’m not comfortable having you around anymore, and his response was the obvious irony painted on his face. Next, "We’re getting married" is the uninvited peak of autumn followed by "Don’t do this, Jieun" and the hope of a possibility that everything that's happening would just be a lie and perhaps, the start of an impossible fine spring day.

His hands reached my shoulders, until my body ended up inside his warm embrace.

“I need you with me… Jieun, I promise we’ll make it right this time,” and it hurts so much not because I don’t want to let go, but because I should.

A/N: One last chapter to go... hang on, till the next update? I'm missing this story already, and of course, you guys!

Thank you so much to QuirkyDerpy of Creative CREATIONS for the poster <3